Going through the college admissions process this year with my high school senior, I have noticed the subtle and not-so-subtle ways that parents, school admins, and peers do and say generally well-meaning things that likely contribute to an overemphasis on college admissions. To wit…
Parent: “Where did Buffy and Biff decide to go for college?” (Guilty of this one)
Parent: “I heard from Lydia’s mom that Lydia got into 3 Ivies and MIT!” (Guilty)
Admins: “Dream College Day”… Seniors wear your college destination t-shirt, and underclassmen wear your “dream college” garb
Admins: “Senior Honors Night” assembly, in which each graduate’s name, cumulative GPA, awards earned, and “future college destination” are announced and printed in a booklet handed out at said assembly
Peers: “College decision” tik-toks / insta / snap / youtube decision vids / you name it… most kids live their lives on social media, and so acceptances (and rejections) are magnified from mid-Dec thru early April of senior year
Peers: “Senior ditch day” – skip school, and don’t forget to wear your new school colors
Just looking back at this year, these things are rooted in natural human curiosity and are mainly intended to be a fun way to celebrate “next steps” for the graduating seniors. But I wonder if all the innocuous parental questions and school-sanctioned events add a level (or levels) of unnecessary stress in the lives of our high schoolers. I don’t remember college destination being such a prevalent part of my senior year experience waaaaaay back when, and frankly, I sort of wonder if it were better that way.
Yes, these things absolutely add stress. Especially in high schools that have an “Ivy or bust” mentality (prevalent in places like NJ and CA, for example).
Ways in which I’ve changed my own behavior:
At parties and other social events, I won’t ask a HS senior (or their parent) how the admissions process is going, where they got in so far, etc.
Instead, if it’s after May 1, I’ll ask where they’re headed. If before, I’ll simply wish them good luck.
I always provide an enthusiastic response, no matter which school they mention. If I know something interesting or cool about that school, I’ll mention it.
High schools too, should do much better. Especially at the type of schools I mentioned above, a lot of kids are dealing with depression following results that don’t match their dreams. There’s no need for the HS to read out (or publish) who is going where.
I’ve switched my standard question to “What are your plans for after high school?” (if it’s a student I’m talking to) or “What are your kid’s plans for after high school?” if it’s a parent I’m talking to.
That way, nobody feels bad if their plans are to go to community college part time, or to join the military right away, or to attend a trade school, etc.
And HOWEVER the student or parent responds, I always try to reply back with something like, “Oh, that sounds interesting! Tell me more about that.”
I strongly believe that there are multiple paths to success in life and not all of them are a straight line to a 4 year residential college experience AND if you’re not going to a top 25 college/university, it doesn’t mean that you’re a loser or that your adult life is over before it’s started.
There is nothing like this at our school. The only thing is that one day in May all seniors wear shirts from where they are heading. Both my kids (not even close to Ivy types) happily participated.
I live in MA and haven’t seen the type of pressure you describe but maybe that’s because my kids were not near the top 10% of the class. I sometimes feel that the top kids get pressured but not the rest of the class. If there’s no chance of going to an Ivy then no one pressures you to do so.
One incident I remember- my daughter was at a doctors appointment in December of her senior year and the doctor asked her where she was going to college. She said she didn’t know yet but listed some of her acceptances. The doc then announces that he has twin boys and they both just got into Princeton. After we left my daughter was ticked off. She said that he didn’t care where she was going. He just asked the question so he could brag about his kids. It really left a bad taste.
It’s very off-putting and very obvious when someone pulls the old “ask a pseudo-question as an opener so I can share my own not-to-subtle brag.” That would definitely leave a bad taste. Kids can see that sort of nonsense coming from a mile away.
Another terrible type of adult: the ones who hear the name of a public flagship, or lesser known school, and say “what happened? Didn’t you get into any Ivies?”
Or the ignorant, but well-meaning, grandparent or relative who says, “But what do you mean Grandchild is going to School X? I thought he/she had good grades! He/she should be able to go anywhere!”
The ones who do not realize that the college that anyone with a 3.3 HS GPA could get into when they were in high school or college is now highly competitive for admission so that even those with 4.0 HS GPA find it nowhere near assured? Seems like many parent-age adults perceive college admission selectivity based on how it was when they were high school or college.
This is truly shocking to me. If our school did this, I would have protested strongly. I discouraged any conversations about GPA’s to discourage competition and keep the emphasis on learning and hard work, not grades (my third didn’t do as well as the other two but worked harder!).
And the idea of a “dream school” is toxic. Unbelievable.
Also, schools need to support kids who are not going to college at all, or are going to community college, whether for fire science, medical assisting, or to prepare for a 4 year school to save money.
One of our local private schools does this. They also announce their college destination after their name at graduation and publish every college they’ve been accepted to and merit awarded on their school website. Just one more reason I’m glad my kids had no interest in attending that school.
My D’s HS published honor roll in GPA order, and the graduation bulletin had all awards, scholarships, and where students matriculated. They’ve dialed that way back now. Now honor roll is in alphabet order, they just announce total awards given as a class, and students can opt in/out if providing their college at graduation. (Private college prep HS).
The absolute worse were the school counselors at our school.
First counselor knew zero about music majors. Told older kid he would never get accepted to the college where he subsequently matriculated with a sizable scholarship.
Our school assigned school counselors by alphabet based on your last name. The assignments had been the same for many many many years. The year our older kid graduated, they switched the letters and our younger kid got a different school counselor. That was a good thing!!
Kid 2. That counselor told the kid not to waste time applying to the school she matriculated and graduated from…at the same time telling her he had never heard of the school before. Ok…it was 3200 miles away, but still…kid got accepted early action and had that acceptance before the middle of December.
The stress doesn’t just end after kids graduate from high school.
Many— most?— high schoolers will experience some stress both before going to college and once they are there.
Guilty mother: Wow, I can’t believe in just one month/week/day, you’ll be at college. How exciting!
Her, secretly: I’m scared.
In hindsight, I should have been more attuned to her concerns about moving 5 hours away from home for the next four years at the ripe old age of 17.
Once they begin college, there will be a ton of stressors from their friends on social media.
Everyone will post pics and updates about their amazing new friends, and red solo cups galore! Everyone is having a great time! Except your kid, who feels they should be like their friends, who have all found their new bff’s. Most kids do understand that social media is largely fake, but it definitely adds pressure.
Help your kid understand that it may not be smooth sailing at the start and that this transition in their lives may be bumpy. In a few months, I guarantee some parents on this forum will seek out this long running thread:
How about the state of Texas where class rank is the main criterion for admission to state universities? While it can make some aspects of admission transparent, it also can increase some cutthroat competitive behavior and rank grubbing stories that have been told on these forums.
Perhaps it is better to learn to manage the stress, as it will continue both in and after college. People frequently compare themselves to others. One learns to deal with it.
Yep, we have an invitation-only senior awards night at our competitive public high school. In addition to the various departmental awards, students who earned all As during their high school career are also recognized.
“Dream College Day” is weird to me, but I support wearing swag on College Decision Day.
