Very unhappy in music performance.

College Majors Music Major
1

Note: I am keeping my information as vague as possible to avoid identifying myself. It is also very late at night here,Mao I apologize for poor organization!

The end of my second year at a very good music school is coming to a close. It was my dream to come here, as music was my life in high school. Performing made me feel special, and I was great at it! Looking back, every competition was filled with crippling nerves, but the constant affirmation made up for it. I’ve struggled in music school so far. I failed a core class my first semester, and barely passed piano. I also struggled with suicidal thoughts throughout my freshman year and finally sought counseling near the end. While I struggled in core music classes, might I add, I finished all of my general education courses with high grades.

Performing is not fun for me anymore. I dread practicing, my lessons, and performing. I try to perform as little as possible. I try to tell myself that if I practice more often and more effectively, I’ll enjoy myself more, but it doesn’t seem worth it. Music does not feel important to me anymore. I am perfectly happy with not practicing for weeks over breaks. I always have to force myself to practice. I do not care very much about a lot of important details. I do not think I love it as much as my classmates or as much as I used to. I get very annoyed listening to people talk about music. Overall, my quality of life is awfully low. I am pretty sure that I do not want to live the life of a performer, and have been reassuring myself all year that I only have two more years before I can quit music forever.

I have been talking about my feelings with my parents since last year, but until recently, they’d been pretty set on the idea that I would get out of my “funk” and that I am definitely meant to do music. Mind you, performing was my dream, and I spent years of high school getting them on board. While I had considered transferring schools before, I had brushed off the idea because I knew that most of my music credits would not transfer, and I really wanted to graduate in four years. I am now unsure whether this is a good reason to stick with music. If I am truly unhappy, why should I continue to waste my time and my parent’s money? I do not have a large scholarship, and the money that I do get is not based on musical merit.

I stopped seeing my therapist because I was not making very good progress, and actually felt fine for a while, but I am noticing depressive habits creeping back. I go days without showering or cleaning, and I have been sleeping long hours but still struggling to get out of bed. Part of me is considering taking a semester to a year off to get myself together emotionally and to decide what I want to do. Part of me is thinking that I shouldn’t give up on what had always been. Y dream too soon, and another part of me is thinking that maybe switching majors out of performance will help me feel better without taking time off.

If I do decide to change my major, I have to decide if I want to stay where I am, or if I want to go to school in my home state. Going to school at home would probs ly be cheaper, but I hunk that I would have to take even more classes/ time to graduate, whereas I could probably finish a BA in another field in 2-3 years of I stay here and do summer semesters. I really dislike the city and the few friends I have here, but the idea of starting over completely and losing even more credits than I will already is sickening.

I am so sorry for this long rant. I think I am looking for input. Do you think I should stick it out with performance, or should I leave if I think that I am unhappy? If I change majors, should I go back home? Should I take a year off or try to finish a new major in two years? (I have AP credits and general education classes done).

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Also note that I typed this on my iPad, and am noticing some pretty gnarly typos! I promise I know how to spell!
–> I might also note that I don’t feel that I am growing very much intellectually as a performance major. I find myself wanting to read, write papers, and engage in intellectual conversation. I also want to have a stable career in which I can make a name for myself, and fear that by staying in music I will be behind all of the people that are already working towards success in the field that I may ultimately want to end up in.

3

A performance degree in music is a real specialty, one that only those who are absolutely sure they want the life of a performer should get. And it is not necessary to study peformance, or even music, to become a music performer.

Can you get a BA at your current school? Usually an English degree does not require many credits. Music majors (education or performance) normally require far more credits for the BA or undergraduate degree.

4

Are you being treated for depression with medication? It is possible (from your description) that your loss of motivation in music is rooted in depression. If the depression is treated and/or lifts, then you would be able to assess whether you want to continue in music with more clarity.

That said, it is fine to switch majors, switch schools, whatever you end up wanting to do. Again, I think depression makes these decisions difficult. It sounds logical to stay where you are if you can finish more quickly in whatever major, but if there are compelling reasons, financial or emotional, to be closer to home, then an extra semester or two is worth it.

Many musicians who did not even major in music manage to continue to grad school, or to perform, and there are many ways to have music in your life throughout your life. Perhaps you are just growing up in a way that makes you question former assumptions, and it is good for you to know that life is flexible :slight_smile:

5

I agree with compmom. Have you seen a psychiatrist? Or any doctor to see if you need medication. And have you looked at other ways to use music for a degree that isn’t performance such as education or music therapy or you could drop performance and do an academic music degree.

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I hope you are getting good treatment for depression. This is such a major issue for college students today especially. I’m not sure why but it seems the number of students I hear of who are having mental health issues is higher than ever. I am glad you are getting therapy, please stick with it!
That said, changing majors in college, even when you are so sure you know what you want going in, is so common. I wish more students realized this fact. Its probably much less common not to change majors. I speak as someone whose oldest D switched from music performance at an LAC with a music school which functions much like a conservatory. And it took her dad and I very much by surprise and took some adjustment in our own thinking / perspectives. Wasn’t this the girl who traveled to Europe to sing in an opera program? Hadn’t she been talking for years about performance? But it wasn’t right for her anymore, she didn’t want to perform or to teach music.
Finding the right major took some experimentation on her part, and we have been helped in that by good financial aid so her extra year in school won’t be the financial hardship it might be for others. Unfortunately that’s not always the case, but one good thing to recognize is that many ( perhaps most) career paths don’t care about what the degree is in, just that you do have a college degree.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, trust yourself, trust your instincts, and try to be gentle with yourself as you continue in the process of discovering what you truly want out of life. We all are on that journey, and the right answers often change over time.

7

I agree with everything above. 1) you need to be in good treatment for your depression, which is absolutely not your fault, and which is something that you are better not handling on your own. 2) your unhappiness with music performance might be exacerbated by the depression. It’s a classic symptom of depression that you would stop enjoying the things that make you happy. 3) but your depression my be exacerbated by your position, being stuck in a program that isn’t making you happy. It’s like snake swallowing its tail.

With regards to switching your major: as mentioned above, many many many people change their focus in their late teens and early 20s. Some do it many times. In an academic LAC or university it would not raise any eyebrows if you switched majors from English to bio to psychology to legal studies and back.

A performance degree is more of a pigeonhole-- you put so much work into getting where you are, so it seems like a betrayal of yourself not to continue. But, in reality, it’s no betrayal to allow yourself to explore the wide world of options. Even if you don’t go on in performance, all the work you’ve done and all the learning you’ve achieved will undoubtedly inform and strengthen your future career, whatever it is.

One of my daughters studied music very seriously but changed her focus due to an injury. It was very difficult to let go, but she could not be happier with her new focus–and she often cites the habits and knowledge gained through her music education as being the foundation of her current career.

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It is possible that your feeling so stuck is causing the depression and not the other way around, but I don’t know. Either way, getting help from a professional that you like and who works well with you is essential. Also, really and truly, it is more than OK to change your path.

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Bigdreamer, I sympathize with you. I experienced very similar feelings as a graduate student in performance. I had been a bit of a star as an undergraduate, but found out in grad school how much bigger the world was, and how many amazing performers on my instrument there were, and how they seemed to care about it in a way that I didn’t. I was also depressed at the time, having been through personal trauma. I soldiered on to grad school, mainly because I didn’t know what else to do. I had other interests, too, like you have, and it is tantalizing and appropriate to consider other options. But I would suggest to you that there are so many ways of approaching the field of music. You don’t have to be like everyone else. I heard an orchestra violinist give a talk in which he, too, felt separate from his music school colleagues because he wasn’t constantly thinking and talking about music. He liked to think and talk about other things more! Most of his closest friends now are NOT musicians! But he is a full-time orchestra musician today, and he does love his career. He does it on his own terms. What I’m trying to say is that you may have to give yourself a little time. If it’s too painful right now to play, give yourself a break. We tend to think we must arrive at a certain level by a certain age, but some of us just need more time. Some of us question things more. Some of us are skeptics, and that’s okay. It may seem like everyone else is so certain, but is that such a good thing? Maybe, but maybe not. Some of us take the hits in life a little harder than others. That may be you. It sure was me. But taking those hits, learning from them, accepting that the world is a little tougher, more complicated and demanding than we thought in our innocent years, will give you much wisdom and compassion for others. There is no right or wrong decision about your next step. You can change your mind a few times. You’re young. You have time. Take care of yourself, and remember that everybody, in his or her own way, is struggling to find meaning, some kind of success and contentment. It may not look that way, when you see others. They may appear carefree and sure of themselves, and a few actually may be! That’s okay. The twenties can be tough, but you will figure them out. You sound like a thoughtful, sensitive individual, and that can make the 20s a little rough, but they don’t last forever! know now that if I had stuck with it after getting my master’s degree (instead of quitting for 10 years), I could have had a good music career. Not a full-time orchestra gig, but a career filled with performing, teaching, gigging. It’s okay, though. I went a different direction, and it worked out. I have also played now for many years in a really good part-time orchestra, and it is a huge part of my life. It’s hard adjusting expectations and dreams, but we all have to do it. Someone else said it’s part of growing up, and I agree. But you don’t have to give up your music dream if you don’t want to. Life can feel like a conveyor belt at times. It can really hurt, but that’s just the way it is. Take some time to reassess and explore. Be kind to yourself, and patient.

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“Be kind to yourself, and patient.” THIS

Just know that plenty, if not most, people do not pursue the path that they imagined themselves on in HS. You are learning and growing. Maybe you have learned that music performance is not what you imagined it to be. That’s OK. Keep talking to your parents. And get some third party help in the form of a counselor or therapist. Transitions are tough for everyone involved. (ESPECIALLY tough for parents :-SS )

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I opted not to go on medication after meeting with the psychiatrist at my school. I feally didn’t like the counseling department at all and so I quit going altogether. I think that I will return, however.

I think that my feelings about performance are justified and not clouded by my mental state. I know that I want stability, that I want a family, and that I am a nervous wreck befor performance and feel empty afterwards. When I imagine getting out of performance, I imagine a weight being lifted off of my shoulders. At this point, I’m not sure if I want a career in music at all. I’d love to live in a major city and be able to buy season tickets for the opera, but I don’t think I want to live the lifestyle of being onstage. I’m over 90 percent on that. I will drive myself crazy. I am not interested in teaching music, and I perform much better in non-music academic courses (theory and ear training are my worst classes by far).

I’m glad that my parents have come around, but now I’m on more of a time crunch as the semester is ending, and a lot of classes I might need for a new major will be filled. Then what if I decide I do want to be in music after all? It is a really difficult decision when you’ve worked so hard, and you’re in one of the best places you can be for what you want to do, but you are so unhappy.

Thanks so much for he great advice and kind words. It helps so much.

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Why did you decide not to do medication? Was that your doctor’s opinion or yours?

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Ask your psychiatrist to recommend a therapist as well. They can give you some strategies for working through this transition. Good luck.

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One of my kids, a dancer, danced all through high school and everyone expected her to continue at the college level. I don’t think she liked doing what she loved in a structured, graded, pressured environment. In fact, she stopped dancing entirely for a couple of years, left college for a bit, waitressed, and followed some new interests She now dances in a small company, and goes to school in a program that suits new areas of focus but integrates dance and psychology in an interesting way.

You have to allow yourself to zig and zag a bit, and it takes faith sometimes that is hard to come by, especially at your age. The thing is, if you keep at it, and take the risks you might need to take in terms of trying things out, it really WILL work out.

If you are depressed as well as unhappy (and there is a difference), or see a pattern of depression over time, please please consider medication. There was a great post on here a year ago from a young person who resisted and resisted and when she finally got on an SSRI, it was life-changing. I have seen it many times. Exercise, yoga, Tai Chi, meditation can all help but medication can really get you over the hump.

It really sounds to me like you should get out of performance for awhile. Maybe you will return to it, but not in a college major program, who knows.

Whenever I have gotten a job in an area that I love, whether baking or giving tours in old houses, I end up hating the job for making me lose the passion I had. The best way to ruin something we love, for some of us, is to have to do it, whether for work or school! Maybe you are like that. Maybe once out of a performance program you can pick up your instrument, play when you want to, and enjoy it again.

15

After much discussion with my parents, we determined that I would go home instead of continuing in summer school here for the summer, and that I would try to apply for transfer for fall of 2016. (So essentially I’m taking a year off to get myself together and to take some more academic classes before trying to transfer as a junior). I am nervous because I do not know if I will graduate in 2018 or 2019. I have to remind myself that this isn’t a race.

However, with the decision made, I am awfully nervous. While staying here and switching majors saves time, my parents are pretty against it from a financial standpoint. I do not care too much for this city, but as I look at recent graduation photos from some of my friends, I get sad about the idea that I won’t be sharing that experience with my class. I know that that’s a silly reason to stay somewhere, but it makes me scared.

Also this might be TMI but I just started my period for this month and am now wondering if this is just a major life decision that I’ve been allowed to make while PMSing. Granted, I’ve called my parents crying and telling them I wanted to come home almost every week for the past year and a half, and I’ve been looking forward to quitting and fanatisizing about getting injured in such a way that I cannot perform anymore. I’m just nervous as I’ve decided to walk away from everything I know. I’m excited and nervous about moving back home. I think I might need it, but what if I decide it was a mistake later?

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Some of us have kids who have done this, and believe me, it really can work out so that you are on a better path. It isn’t easy, necessarily, but in the end this kind of change can be worth it. Congratulations on your resolve and bravery!

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Life is too long and you are too young to be making a “mistake”. There is no right or wrong path in life. Just take things one summer, one semester at a time. And open yourself up to the many paths in life. In other words be careful with black and white thinking. Live in the gray for awhile. It might suit you!

Also you have permission to mourn your old dreams. It’s not silly to feel sad about potentially not graduating with “your” class. It’s just something you may have to face to get to a happier place. And many people take more than 4 years to graduate. Again there’s no right or wrong way to do college.

I’m glad you said you sometimes feel excited. That’s your new dream just poking it’s head out. Funny thing about dreams. There’s always a new one right behind the old one. You’ve made space for that new dream. Congrats on being brave.

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Hi, I am a young college music professor and I seem to come across several students that confide similar things that you mention (unhappiness, loving music in high school and hating it in college, anxiety over possibly developing repetitive strain injury, suicidal thoughts especially when facing master classes, performances, etc). The students I am referring to are intelligent, creative, musical, and are not losers. One damaging thing that has been told to my students is that if they change their minds, they are “quitters”. I am guessing you are in your early 20’s and having anxiety about “quitting”. What people forget is that to get a music degree at a reputable school, students must practice 3-5 hours A DAY and keep up on other responsibilities and the pressures for a music student are real. These pressures can cause serious stress that can alter the chemical makeup of your brain and cause depression, making treatment from a professional necessary. Most of my music students haven’t experienced the solitude of long practice and hearing more necessary criticism than praise after making an effort. They are unprepared for this stress–they do not know how to manage it and they enter into depression. I actually believe if a young person is so unhappy that they hate it, they need to do something different and find other musical ways to express themselves in a low pressure environment. The shortcomings of most college music programs is that a whole music program of study is predetermined while the young music student still believes music is to help them be creative; they don’t realize a music program is usually not designed to teach creativity and expression; it is designed to push a student through technique developing repertoire–then the student becomes confused toward their negative feelings about music. If you are worried about regretting “quitting”, get yourself a teacher “outside academia” that can help you feel good about practice and dedicate your time to something you do like. If you want to go back to music, music is always there. This whole idea that a music degree is for the “music winners” is a lie. True, musicians don’t always feel like practicing, but there is a difference between a momentary feeling of common laziness and a true persistent anxiety driven nagging misery. Once a student enters that state of intense anxiety that requires therapy, they need to look at what will give them satisfaction in life. Is it a music degree? Only the student can decide. I wish you well.

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It can be hard to tell if you are depressed because you don’t want to do performance, or you are depressed and that makes you feel like you don’t want to do performance. There are options, if you feel it is just a depressive bout then you potentially could take a leave of absence, and see how you feel away from it all, you could also maybe take some time off, maybe take courses locally to where your folks live, and then head someplace else. You may find you don’t want to do performance, but rather would like to do music while pursuing something else, I don’t know if your current music school is a conservatory, or if you are at a music school in university, you could transfer to a ba/bs in something else at the same school if that is the case, or a different school.

The one thing I heard you say that I wanted to comment on is try not to make this into some thing where in your 20’s, you can’t decide to do something else.I understand how it can feel, that there is some miracle age you have to get out there and do things, that if you ‘miss the window’ it somehow is going to hurt you, but that isn’t true, people who tell you that quite honestly are full of donkey poop. A lot of people find their true vocation after doing other things, there are people who went to med school who did other things (Michael Crichton, the writer), there are people who thought they wanted to get an MBA and go work in investment banking and found out that would drive them to distraction, performance majors end up going to med school…a lot of times people don’t settle down into what they want to do until their 40’s. One thing I can tell you from a lot of years of experience, that the idea that moving ahead is all a matter of time, that you get started at 22, and slowly move your way up, simply isn’t true, a lot of people during that time change areas they work in, or change companies, and advancement often is a matter of how well you do the job and quite honestly, like it. Those friends of yours who get out at 22 and get a job may find themselves in a job where they don’t move up much, you might finally find something when you are 25 and fly…what I am trying to say is try not to fret that much about the future, whether leaving performance is a mistake, whether you have ‘wasted’ time, in the end I can almost promise you with 100% certainty it likely not only won’t damage your future, that your experience with music likely will give you unique perspective in ways you might not think. Success comes from a lot of things, and knowing what you don’t want to do can be a lot more valuable than you think. Careers and vocations are not necessarily linear things, I can attest to that. I got a job out of college that came about by a fluke, it was posted in miscellaneous jobs and was in a field at the time wasn’t even a formal profession (software testing, which they never, ever mentioned in my CS program), I took it and have had a career for 30 years in it, because it stuck with me, and if you had asked me before i took the job, I would have looked at you like you are kidding.

If I can suggest anything, in getting yourself together find someone to work with, a counselor, a psychiatrist, it can be a big help, been there personally, and it makes a difference:)

20

Depression is a chemical/biological disorder probably not caused by feeling stuck. Rather, it is the other way around. It can cause you to feel stuck. The decision to take time off and feel better is probably a great one. Good luck.