<p>Oh, of course it is on our minds, of course, she is very determined/does not want to come home…we did make her apply to 2 local schools, which is good. She basically will not take a gap year-she says if we won’t pay she will pay…such a complicated matter.</p>
<p>She can say that she will pay… but there is a limit to what she can finance on her own as you well know.</p>
<p>I understand that you don’t want to drive her into a defiant position right now, but it seems that perhaps this is something that her therapist needs to explore with her when you guys are not in the room. Basically- she wants something that you guys can’t afford right now. So her options are to thoughtfully evaluate the affordable options, or to take a gap year and apply to places which are similar to the places she is enthused about but which are likely to be affordable (plus she’ll be a year older, further along in her recovery, can earn some cash next year which will help the budget, etc.)</p>
<p>But for her to dig in her heels that she only wants a school for which there aren’t the funds available- seems like you need a professional’s help getting her to understand that those schools are off the table right now.</p>
<p>Where does she think she’s getting the money to pay for it???</p>
<p>There is a duplicate thread to this one on the financial aid forum. Similar advice is being given on that thread, and posters here might want to read it.</p>
<p>Basically, I’ll sum up my POV.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Consider the daughter’s mental health first and foremost. If you have even an inkling that she is not ready to go away, don’t allow her to (she can’t pay for college in total herself…unless the school costs $6500 or less…or she has a huge savings).</p></li>
<li><p>No college is going to have things going 100% the way your daughter anticipates 100% of the time. Being able to cope with disappointment is an essential life skill. She needs this before any college decision is made.</p></li>
<li><p>If the family finances are going to be impacted, then that needs to be considered. I would advices against going into a college situation which is financially on the edge for your family. I would make the same suggestion regardless of your daughter’s situation.</p></li>
<li><p>Make sure you also research therapists at the new location, wherever it is. </p></li>
<li><p>A dream can quickly turn into a nightmare. If your daughter had to withdraw from college 2 because of finances, how pretty would this dream be?</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Thanks for the advice, as i’m new here, i didn’t realize double posting is a faux pas. My apologies.
Of course H and I know she can’t pay for it…she works but she’s clearly not making the money for that. We are working with the therapists to explain, it’s just hard for her to grasp. Naturally, we don’t want to tell her about the financial situation, becuause the last thing she needs is more stress. As parents, we want to of course have the right choice made, ideally we would have her choose the financially safe one, close to home. For her, she thinks it would be showing defeat to come home (of course, there are problems with this…she is almost too strong sometimes.) My H and I have been in contact with D’s therapist at school…they meet otmorrow so we shall see. Wish she could be with her one at home so that H and I could be there…</p>
<p>No one doubts that you are in a tough situation. </p>
<p>OP- big hugs to you.</p>
<p>You may find that your D is less stressed out hearing that you’ve had some financial setbacks, than she is by feeling that you are randomly denying her choice to attend one of her top two schools out of spite or as a punishment for being ill. I find that kids deal with reality (“honey, we can’t afford it”) better than they do their own inner voice (“if they trusted me they’d let me go to college X but instead they want me at this clown college so they can keep an eye on me”).</p>
<p>She may do better with the truth.</p>
<p>I agree with blossom: tell her the truth about your finances, or she will invent an interior monologue to explain the situation and it is not likely to be pretty. Tell her that she can only attend the two schools in question if they give her sufficient aid. And yes, retire the pernicious concept of “dream school” immediately. :)</p>
<p>And I would not visit the two schools unless and until they give sufficient aid.</p>
<p>@blossom @Consolation thanks for the advice…we feel the same way. We will have to see what therapist and her discuss tomorrow. </p>
<p>Of course, we know that it will be hard either way. Just trying to decide what will be the best for her. She’s also mid exam prep, and we don’t want to over stress her. She is already stressed. Will have to wait and see!</p>
<p>Thanks for all of the advice, this is a wealth of knowledge that my husband and I greatly appreciate!!</p>
<p>That’s a big gap there when you won’t tell her your financials. If she’s used to getting pretty much what she wants, and a our kids are. THey are good kids, deserve most good things and we parents want to give what we can for them. At this very second, I’m jubilant that my baby is happy about something he just got that he wanted. And, oh, how I want to give him whatever college he should choose. 'Hurts to even think about this.</p>
<p>BUT…it’s better he learns to deal with the realities of life, including that of our limitations, our needs. I’ve seen some sweeties grow fangs and turn ugly when they are deprived of what they want or feel they are entitled to get. That is a problem . You’ve seen already that your DD is having issues dealing with some very normal things in life that really should not have had such a drastic effect on her. My neighbor’s DD just went through the same thing at her college, and yes, she was down about it, but now she’s bounced back and is touting the school to my son and her sister and all is well again. It hurt, but she got over it. That’s what usually happens. Now I don’t go for that hurt that the Greek scene inflicts, and would get rid of the whole danged system if I were Queen of the World, which my kids say I think I am already. But I’m not, and it’s here, and a lot of kids got through this hurting. If she’s so fragile that she breaks over that and is in fighting stance over not getting to go to the college of choice, there are some challenges ahead for her Blossom is absolutely right about this whole idiocy of dream colleges. A recipe for a dream boat turning into a shipwreck. </p>
<p>It’s easy to enjoy success and getting one’s way. The challenge is learning how to deal with failures and not getting what one wants and still continuing to persevere in life. If you are working towards giving her more of what she wants to forestall a bad reaction, that’s not attacking the problem. Believe me I have lots of kids and years of failures in this regard. It’s tough to do the right thing in these situations because you hurt too and there is not that feeling of gratification one gets in giving your loved one what she wants. Yeah, that feels great. I agree. But that’s not what she needs. She needs to learn how to deal with NOT getting what she wants.</p>
<p>OP, if I understand correctly, you have a financial limit in mind, but have not made your daughter clear on it. It’s not surprising that she still has her heart set on things she has been allowed to believe are possible. A person cannot accept reality, and learn to work within limits, until the reality becomes clear to them and the limits are clearly articulated. Once she knows the limits, she can set herself to finding a school and making a plan that fits within those financial limits.</p>
<p>In your great (and understandable) sympathy for your daughter, and your desire to protect her and to see her prosper, perhaps you have been indefinite about the financial limits because you are privately wondering if you should push those limits. You may be tempted to take additional financial risks or overextend yourself. There is often a gray area when a family decides how much they can afford to spend on college, because they are forced to make educated guesses (and take risks) about how parental health and work will continue to go, how investments will go, and what other compelling family needs will emerge.</p>
<p>Nevertheless, to an outsider, it is evident that your daughter has ended up in a life-threatening situation, and it has set the original college financing plan awry. You may need to be more conservative about your resources, knowing that she may again find herself in a position of instability that will call more heavily upon your resources in the future. One must also question whether any one magic school is the answer to someone’s mental health. Her therapist may know of a college placement counselor that could work confidentially with all of you, using guidance from the therapist and your daughter about what she really needs in a school (and what triggers she should avoid) so that she can find a workable placement within your budget. But she can’t set herself toward finding a school that fits the budget, until she’s told what the budget is.</p>
<p>@cptofthehouse We struggle with this too. D has not gotten everything she wanted. She was a very sick child who has had over 30 operations (most recent being the end of her senior year, april 2013) While we do give D everything we can, there is a limit for almost everyone. D is a very strong girl who has dealt with a lot (I can never even remember her shedding a tear in the OR or hospital.) Because there are many things she has lost, we do our best to provide her with anything, and perhaps that was a mistake on my part. All we hope for her is that she is happy, mentally stable, and successful.</p>
<p>@fieldsports You’re absolutely right. Of course my H and I have been toying with the idea of going out on a financial limb…we had her therapist skype me in today, and I pretty much cut it to the chase, told her about money. Her natural reply is, we could still visit XYZ what if I get more money? We are trying to be firm, but she is VERY stubborn and has a way with words (that is why she will be a good business student, haha)</p>
<p>OP- don’t get into a dynamic where you and your D are unwittingly using the financial situation to emotionally blackmail each other. She’s a teenager who doesn’t really understand what the loan repayment schedule on, say, 80K will look like for you. And that’s fine- she’s a teenager. And she thinks that you’re overly protective and don’t realize how much her life will be “fixed” if she’s allowed to attend dream school. And out of a little guilt and a desire to help her through this very rough patch (after a childhood of rough patches) you want to do this for her.</p>
<p>But visiting in the hopes that “more money” comes through- unless that money actually comes through, and you’re talking about piling on debt after a rough year financially- you’re heading to a parenting blow up. Every bad day she has (and even at “dream school” kids have bad days) becomes acrimonious for you and your spouse. “Why the hell are we paying through the nose for her to be so stressed or aggravated?” Every bad day SHE has becomes more guilt for her (my parents are sacrificing their financial future for me and here I am not loving every minute of it).</p>
<p>You are setting up a lot of catastrophic thinking and guilt-inducing conversations with everyone so focused on the idea that there are one or two colleges out there that are just so perfect for her that her recovery will be swift and easy. This is not reality!!! Her demons travel with her. Certain environments may or may not be more conducive to her recovery, but to be brutally honest with you, that has more to do with the type of support available (and easy to access at a particular college) than whether it is the “dream” or not.</p>
<p>If your D is unhappy where she is than transferring is a great idea. Starting fresh is a great idea. Being in an environment which doesn’t trigger last year’s unhappiness is a great idea. Adding new financial stressors on top of everything else is a terrible idea for both parent and student.</p>
<p>It’s not about being firm and it’s not about your D being stubborn. She is pinning her hopes on the dream school “fixing” things. And so are you. And that is a very unrealistic way to make this decision. She needs to be somewhere with fantastic mental health facilities on campus, with a no-bureaucracy way of getting referrals to a local hospital or provider, where her current therapist can speak to the referring physician when need be.</p>
<p>And if she doesn’t need any of those things next year- fantastic. She can apply to “Dream School” for grad school in three years when her recovery is complete.</p>
<p>I completely agree with Blossom. </p>
<p>The only addition I would make…look at your finances first, then look at your daughter’s mental health situation. Both need to be healthy for this transfer to work.</p>
<p>I say do the math on the numbers first. Don’t take her to any school without doing the numbers first.
Don’t get her hopes up, then have to say- Sorry, we took you to the school without getting info, and now we see we cannot afford it.
Find your max number and tell her so. She could go to school A, B, C, D, etc., but your max is X dollars regardless. So unless she finds a school within your budget, she pays the difference or she doesn’t go.
Be clear. Be straightforward. Be firm. Don’t shop for new Cadillacs if you can only afford a used car.</p>
<p>Blossom’s point about the demons travelling with you is all too true. </p>
<p>H and I are getting some final numbers back from our financial advisor…in the next few days, we are going to hear back about the $$$ for “dream” school. Told her that if she foes not get XXX than the visit will not happen.</p>
<p>She seems to be doing ok, I think she is more open (thanks to therapist) We shall see. We will also hear back from another more expensive option on scholarship and FA. D likes the school but does not seem to be as passionate. </p>
<p>At the end of the day, D just wants out of her current school, which is what she has been saying. Will update once we hear back on numbers from the other school!</p>
<p>Good luck. I hope you get some good news on the “dream” school. But sounds like she will accept reality and hopefully fall in love with an affordable option. </p>
<p>Hello everyone-
I just wanted to update this forum as you all have been an invaluable source of help. We received FA, one of the schools (expensive but not dream school) gave her a whopping $0, in which we were not surprised. H and I told her we would not visit. D said she didn’t want to go any way. Dream school gave her some money, which was good. We went to visit, and she ultimately decided dream school wasn’t a dream. D will attend the school that is close by with a significant scholarship, in which we will have money left over to pay for study abroad expenses and other expenses. Things worked out in the end, she will be nearby and we will not have a financial burden. Thanks to all of you for your help, I look forward to coming back to the forum when my younger one starts the college process!</p>
<p>Congrats!</p>
<p>glad to hear that she likes her choice and will be close-by.</p>
<p>:)</p>