<p>My D is a transfer from a more selective liberal arts school. This year has been a horrendous one for her, (attempted suicide, serious depression, social issues) so my husband and I are in agreement that she needs to leave. She managed to get great grades and get accepted to great transfer schools, a few of which cost over 60K
Unfortunately, our financial situation has changed a lot in the last year, and it will be very hard to afford a college of that cost, however, we do make enough to not qualify for FAFSA help....</p>
<p>Our question: Should we take our daughter to see these schools if we know they won't work out for us? She was accepted to other schools that are of lower cost, but two of the schools she was accepted to were dreams for her...With her severe depression, we want the best fit, but we do not want to upset her more if they wind up being financially unfeasible.</p>
<p>You could run the net price calculator and see what it spits out. FAFSA does not give you aid, it just qualifies you to apply for federal loans. The need based aid actually comes from the colleges. The net price calculators are available on the financial aid website page of the college. By running those you can get a feeling for what the cost might be, although transfer students do not get as much aid at some schools as freshman. It would at least give you an idea… </p>
<p>I think if you can’t afford it, it is better to be up front and not go visit. Why give her a taste of something she can’t have, especially if she is in a fragile state. You would just be postponing the inevitable and making everyone feel bad if she loves one of the expensive schools when you visit.</p>
<p>thank you for the advice…we are definitely noticing that with transfer students an aid. THe hard part now is telling her…A hard situation either way.</p>
<p>It’s hard enough to let go of a too expensive school when the kid isn’t fragile. Visiting a school that you cannot afford won’t help her or you. Why dangle something unobtainable in . Help her face? Why spend the money to visit? Why waste your and the college admissions team’s time? Visit those that are a better fit college within your price range.</p>
<p>You better tell her now than after the visit. If it is not affordable, it is not affordable unless you are willing to take a huge loan (which still does not make it affordable). If she know it is not feasible to go there, she may tell you not to visit that school.</p>
<p>We have hinted at it although not outright told her…but she is still dying to go. It is hard either way.</p>
<p>It’s a tough situation, but delaying the truth will only make it worse. May not be able to afford and cannot afford are two different situations, so be clear which it is.</p>
<p>First, could you please clarify where you are with financial information from all of your daughters’ accepted colleges? Do you have the aid offers, or not? If not, then you should push the schools to finalize, especially if they need a decision in 3-1/2 weeks.</p>
<p>If you have the packages from the schools, but are waiting on some other, personal, financial factor, then, again, try to accelerate this process, so you can see where you stand.</p>
<p>May not be able to afford and cannot afford are two different situations, so find out which it is. Put off your visits until you know – even if it means cramming them into the last week of May.</p>
<p>I assume you’ve considered this, but unless your daughter is on a full ride at her current school, you can deduct whatever you’re currently paying from the cost of attendance at the transfer schools. Hopefully the net balance at the transfer schools is not $60K. When you know the actual amounts you can evaluate what is right for your family. </p>
<p>You say that paying for these colleges would be “hard to afford.” That can mean different things for different families. Tightening the budget or severe sacrifice; debt that is undesirable but still manageable or debt that is insane.</p>
<p>Talking about money is especially difficult and income changes that lead to disappointment are painful for all of us, but my experience is that kids understand more than we expect them to. You have to be straight forward though. When we say “maybe” we may mean “no” but the hearer often hears “yes.”</p>
<p>So, we have solid offers from 2 out of the 4 (18K per year at one, 22K per year at the other) Still waiting to hear back on the 2 costly ones. One we should know this week. The other we have contacted several times, and they are trying to get a response faster. D is not on a full ride…we will look into that further.</p>
<p>Gather all the information before you tell your daughter or make plans to visit. I think it’s fair to be (politely) aggressive with colleges’ aid departments as the deadline is near.</p>
<p>Of, if your daughter is anxious to make visiting plan, schedule tentative visits to all 4 for the last week in May. You can always change your plans – either to eliminate (bad news) or accelerate (good news). I know it’s stressful, but it’s time to hedge, until you have black and white figures.</p>
<p>When you do your final calculations, you need to subtract whatever you would have paid for your daughter’s current school.</p>
<p>I was leaning toward a No Vist recommendation. But… it’s possible she will not like the school, so not pine over them in future. Hard call. </p>
<p>Sounds like you need to tell her that unless they come up with some decent aid then it’s a no go. No reason to even visit unless they give her a good offer. She’s got to know you can’t afford 180K, that should be clear.</p>
<p>Amazing that while being suicidal and depressed that she still managed to get very good grades. Most people crash and burn in that situation.</p>
<p>@momrath I’m not great at being particularly aggressive, so I guess that will be my husbands job 
@colorado_mom We of course want the best for her…we are going back and forth.
@busdriver11 We are so proud of her and shocked. A cousin of hers went through a similar thing, and he tanked, She is a strong girl, and she is clearly quite motivated.</p>
<p>First, so glad your d is strong and motivated and sorry she (and you) were dealt this hand. What are your thoughts on the affordable schools? Do you see her being happy and thriving there? Is there anything that makes the unaffordable options much better choices? Did she know that aid was needed for her first college? If so, she should not be totally surprised that money is part of the equation. As others have said, much better to be up front now rather than let her visit and fall further in love with the schools and then be crushed. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, She did not need to worry about aid the first time around. Her other options were a lot less expensive last year, and our job situation had not yet changed. We can continue to keep paying for her current school without issue.
I do not know about this, honestly, all of her schools are so different. There is no way to know without seeing.</p>
<p>I would tell her what how much a year you can afford up front. Then if you visit, tell her that this college is only doable if they offer financial age. Then if they don’t, they are the bad guy, not you.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t do it, given her fragile state. IMO , it 's more important that things remain upbeat for her. I don’t know her and you do. What happens in such cases, given the way she is—a college is just exactly what she wants and you can’t afford it? Can she just take it off the table with that explanation? You can call the colleges and ask outright about transfer aid policies. Also is it even possible that the schools are going to be affordable? If there is no possibility, it’s a big difference between that and might not be affordable.</p>
<p>Frankly, if your daughter is that fragile that something like this can knock her into a downward spiral, going away to college might not be a wise thing. I’ve seen this over 15 years now on a personal basis, and it’s a rough go for young adults when those mood, emotional, imbalance and psych demons are out and about along with just the way college is. A lot of opportunity for relapses when someone is already having problems. I remember the sorrow a friend of mine suffered when she decided her daughter who was accepted to some great schools that most any parent, person would celebrate acceptance, and decide that risk was just too great, and that she really should have parental supervision for a while. And she was right. Now the young lady has an ivy PHD, is married with a child, and she will tell you right out that she, for all the grief she put her parents through for that decision, really had not had control of her condition, which unlike a lot of temporary demons is likely a lifetime condition for her, yes, she swore she was fine and that staying home would kill her then. Some kids did not make it. Talented, brilliant kids. You have had an early warning. Make the most of it. I don’t think sending someone who is at such risk away to a college which is a breeding pool for mental illnesses of any sort (thankfully most kids manage to grow out of it or control it ). It’s like taking someone with a compromised immune system (and I had such a kid for a while) into a active contagious disease scenario. I kept mine out of school for a while in that situaiton. </p>
<p>I’m just wondering how you know those dream schools will work out for her. If I understand correctly, she already got into and is attending her first dream school and that was a disaster. Shouldn’t you be more concerned about resolving her emotional issues, keeping her at home or at least close by, and ALIVE than about the finer points of campus life, whatever goes into that “dream”?</p>
<p>First year college was a good school, but not a dream school. We are not about to let her go anywhere without more stability. She is very well aware of that.</p>
<p>I think you guys need to retire the phrase “dream school”. Both for your D’s mental health and for your own.</p>
<p>Hugs to you. This is surely a year where you’ve had to earn your Parenting Badge big time. But I think focusing on Dream School is a short cut to disaster.</p>
<p>Try to explore with your D what the elements were of her current school which were sub-par, contributing to her issues, non-supportive, etc. I don’t know if she can have enough distance to do that- it’s all so raw. But if she can articulate where the school fell short, you’ve got a starting place.</p>
<p>Then evaluate her transfer options with an eye towards those concerns. It may well be that you just can’t afford a place which will provide a better environment for her- in which case, it seems easy enough to all agree that she’ll take a gap year and apply to a few more schools which will likely have those qualities AND give you enough merit aid to be able to attend.</p>
<p>With thousands of colleges in the US, don’t allow yourselves to shoehorn your family into a situation which says, “well gee, if we can’t afford to send her to Amherst she’s going to relapse”. Figure out what went wrong last year; identify if any of the affordable option will be significantly better, and then develop your plan from that.</p>
<p>But dream school? for a kid who is fragile right now? And you’re going to add a pile of financial worries on top of what she’s already coping with??? Can’t imagine that’s really the dream, can you?</p>
<p>I too am wondering about whether daughter is sufficiently stable to go away (again). I know this must be on yoru mind too OP. Think long term. </p>