Visiting colleges with dad versus mom

<p>Thanks, 07Dad. I figured I’d get a faster answer here than calling up the airlines. :)</p>

<p>jazzymom,
S1 did not turn 18 until well into his freshman year of college. He did several solo college trips while 16 and 17. He has a learner’s permit and a passport, either of which work fine for travel. In fact, he flew back solo from overseas in June (while still 17) and did not have problems – and without a letter from us saying it was OK, too. He did his first solo flight at age 15.</p>

<p>Our one concession to any potential travel issues is that he has a debit MasterCard which he funds with his own earnings for books, expenses, etc. instead of carrying cash. When we buy his plane tickets to come home, we load the cost of the ticket on to his debit card and he pays it with that card – just in case he gets rerouted and credits need to be issued back, etc. He also makes sure that he has enough on the card for food and a hotel if necessary. So far, we have never had a problem.</p>

<p>My D flies alone all the time. BTW, my understanding is no ID required for under 18 – which means if you have to switch tickets from siblings as long as unisex name, can be done.</p>

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<p>jazzymom–here is the info off one domestic airline’s website. I’d strongly suggest that your S have an id that matches his ticket. A “foul-up” in airport secirity could be a disaster.</p>

<p>I (dad) did one long weekend trip with each kid, four colleges for one, three for the other. My wife (who didn’t enjoy it nearly as much) took each to see one college (although the one she went to with child #1 turned out to be The One), and with our older child we all saw two colleges together. The kids also each visited 3-4 colleges without us (albeit in some cases with a friend’s parent in tow).</p>

<p>I thought it worked pretty well. Being on some visits gave each of us an opening to talk to our children about what we and they thought was important in evaluating a college. Letting them go to some places without us (after the first few trips) let them feel like they were in charge of the process, not their parents.</p>

<p>My son did two flights for college visits alone and took his license, but all my kids have flown alone under age 18 and haven’t had any trouble. I just made sure they had a school ID if they didn’t have their license. Something that was slightly disconcerting to me though was a trip we took as a family last summer. My oldest son is 21, shaves regularly and doesn’t look like a teenager. When we checked in, they didn’t even ask him for proof of ID. Son has said that when he flies solo he’s always pulled out for a wand and carry-on bag check.</p>

<p>Mom (me) went on most. Some Mom and Dad. I really enjoy going on them. I was also the parent who drove with son for nearly all of his Driver’s Ed hours, too. I wonder if there is a correlation there?</p>

<p>I, the mom and chief researcher, went on all visits. Dad was with us for about 75% and did attend all final visits to the top contenders. H and I loved every minute of touring the schools with our kids. </p>

<p>I agree with letting the kids handle the travel. Even though we accompanied the kids on all trips, we had them take the lead and navigate with mom and dad just tagging along. I even followed one onto a DC metro I knew was headed in the wrong direction to see how he would handle it. He quickly realized his error at the first stop and we then talked through a solution. It made us all much more comfortable and confident in the kids’ abilities to handle the travel involved with long distance schools.</p>

<p>I went on all of the college trips with S2, primarily because he was looking at schools on the other side of the country and I have a much more flexible work schedule than my husband. But it was also more comfortable – and more informative – for my son that way. (He and my husband are both the strong silent types who would never, ever ask a question of a tour guide or even share their thoughts on a particular school with each other, lol!!). For his safety schools – in-state universities within driving distance – both my husband and I went with my son.</p>

<p>If your S wants Dad, let Dad go. I had a conflict w/ hs senior D in the fall and was not in the mood to travel with her on a scheduled college visit. If I went, Dad had to take off of work anyway to deal with other kids at home. Dad is an excellent and fun traveler, whereas I get totally stressed out, so I put Dad’s name on the ticket without telling D. She was not happy,but didn’t really want to travel with Mom, either. It turned out to be the best thing. Dad is very outgoing and helped D meet the honors program director, dept. chair for proposed major, etc. He even charmed his way into a private reception that included board of directors, wealthy donors, etc. (Smooth operator!) How different the visit would have been if (shy, stressed) Mom was there. Older S goes to a school neither of us has seen, and I am perfectly fine with sending kids off to a place I’ve never visited–as long as it is the place they’ve chosen. I saw the virtual tours on the websites from the comfort of home, and that is good enough for me. I hope to visit the colleges for graduation.</p>

<p>For us, it was mostly me, except for one very close to home and one that dovetailed with a ski weekend. (Duh!) I also valued the re-visit in April of his senior year to his top two choices for a direct comparison and final decision, but I did that one too. DH didn’t see the final selection until it was time to move him in in August (without me–work conflict!). But if your DS has a preference and your DH is willing, I’d let them go. There will be plenty of time for you to make a visit to where he ends up just to see the place–if not before, then perhaps summer orientation. (You can also make DH take a camera–I have online albums of every campus we visited.)</p>

<p>The dynamic here was that my D did not want her dad to come and wanted me to take her. He went along on some of the early visits, and it didn’t go so well.</p>

<p>She loves him plenty and he means well, but his “way” of doing campus visits causes her tremendous stress and is unhelpful to her.</p>

<p>Problem Number One seemed to be that he insisted on forcing her to interact with any students she met. We were visiting over breaks, so there were not many students. D didn’t wish to interact with the few students we did stumble across (who knows why?). Dad would deal with this by going up and shooting the breeze with the students himself. He also asked questions during tours. But when she asked him for his opinion of the school after the visit, he would go all Socratic method on her: “What did you think?” because he didn’t want to bias her with his opinion. That he wouldn’t offer an opinion in particular drove her nuts, as she often didn’t know what to make of a school or have any insight on what was normal or desirable in a school.</p>

<p>Me, I kept my mouth shut during tours, followed D’s lead about meeting students, and answered directly when asked. </p>

<p>I think he was a little hurt when she didn’t want him to come, but we muddled through somehow. </p>

<p>I guess the moral of the story is it pays to follow your kids’ lead on college visits?</p>

<p>In our family, I accompanied both kids on all the college visits because my husband hates to travel and didn’t have any interest in doing it. Having the kid go alone would not have been workable because these were driving trips, and both of my kids (for reasons I have never understood) got their driver’s licenses remarkably late. They either didn’t have their licenses at the time of the visits or they were too inexperienced to handle the extensive highway driving alone.</p>

<p>If our kids had to choose, I suspect they would have chosen whichever parent they thought would be less likely to embarrass them on the campuses. I’m not sure that it would have been me!</p>

<p>I (father) have made the only two trips thus far and my son has tactfully arranged it so that he could have me make the trips and not my wife. There are probably some good reasons for this. I’m a former academic whose attended three of HYPS and taught at one and know a lot about universities. I also have been the one leading the charge on handling disabilities and medical issues for both kids and so am much better able to talk with Office of Disabilities Services or its equivalent. My wife is quite dyslexic and though very bright became an artist (she never got the training my son got) so neither kid thinks she can help with academics, which is not true in literature where she is brilliant or art (she guest teaches at local colleges and talks about her work at museums). I’m sure my son will want me to do all of the visits in April if I can (I travel quite a bit). He has asked my wife’s cousin, who is very close, and me to help him prep/debrief his interviews but doesn’t really talk to my wife about them. </p>

<p>However, my wife would add a lot to a college visit. She is 400 times more social than I am and can start up a conversation with a gargoyle (a useful skill at some Ivies) and get information. Most random students are easier to converse with than gargoyles. She has terrific Emotional IQ, although I think he may fear that she’ll dominate the conversation and be embarrassing.</p>

<p>For my daughter, we’ll see. She comes to me and not my wife for academic help, but she finds me too critical. But, she thinks her mother is the most embarrassing human being in the history of the universe, which might make it hard to take her on college visits. But, we have a couple of years.</p>

<p>On travel, people have said this but get your kid an ID (we use a passport for below driving age). Both my kids have flown on their own for quite a while. My son flew from Boston to meet me in Sydney, changing planes in LA, when he was 15. They are typically being picked up in the end. But, this summer, my son will be traveling in Europe and possibly Asia with a friend. I trust his travel judgment and common sense. Plus, I don’t figure people will bother him as he is 6’4" if he hasn’t stopped growing and probably 215 lbs.</p>

<p>College visits, the process of choosing “the list” of where to apply and the infamous “freshman move-in” are all times when the near-adult kid probably will have significant preferences as to who is involved and what that involvment consists of.</p>

<p>I found that it worked best for me and my S to get it out in the open in the beginning. My deal with my S was that I’d assist (or offer advice) when asked and I’d offer opportunities (like pre-application campus visits), but he was free to decline.</p>

<p>The pre-application visits were with me. He did the list of schools by himself (with major input from his superb GC’s) within the financial commitment we gave him. Post acceptance campus visits he did alone.</p>

<p>He asked me to make the 750 mile drive to college with him. It is one of those times that I cherish as we talked very little about anything, but communicated volumes about what mattered most to us.</p>

<p>The freshman move-in had both parents. I suggest that any parent who goes to the move-in come to terms in advance that this event is all about the student, not the parent. KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE. </p>

<p>Believe me, if a parent isn’t so wrapped up in his or her own emotions and feelings at these times, the parent can probably pick up on the student’s preferences even if they are unspoken. But, I found it easier on me and my S to be up front about it.</p>

<p>We’ve always sent Dad out on the “summer before senior year in high school trip to see colleges back East” trip. It’s a good time for some daddy-daughter bonding.</p>

<p>Junior year we both took our S to visit some colleges but he and his dad went to see the coaches without me. This year S wanted to take recruiting trips alone, and he chose the college he wanted to attend. (I did lots of “behind the scenes” research, etc.). I think it helps him take ownership of the process and the choice. I took D around to more colleges than H did, but H is great at it. I would take into account the child’s preference on M v. D, but ultimately it is a family decision.</p>

<p>My H and I split up the out-of-town college trips. The problem with this became apparent when our D was trying to decide between 2 schools, one that she visited with my H, and one that she visited with me. Neither of us could give her our observations/comparisons of both schools. It would have been helpful to have had one parent go to all the schools with our D. As it turned out, she chose the school we were hoping she’d choose and until last week, when the “honeymoon” finally ended, she was very happy with her choice!</p>

<p>My S has only visited three colleges, always with just me. My H had the opportunity to go see all of them, but didn’t want to. S didn’t want his dad to come, which was fine with me because I wasn’t thrilled with the prospect of spending the whole day with my ex asking inane questions and photographing everything in sight.</p>

<p>stevensmama–you have any problem with your EX helping pay for college?</p>