"Voluntary" withdrawal from HS under duress

Parents Forum
81

<p>Will someone please explain to me how making her go to a local college is going to prevent her from doing drugs or drinking? These temptations are everywhere and there isn't a leash long enough to prevent these young adults (if they are 18, they are adults in the eyes of the law) from getting into trouble if they are so inclined. You can't follow your kids around for the rest of their lives to make sure that they don't make foolish or dangerous decisions. Some of them are going to drink and drive and kill themselves or someone else. Living at home isn't going to prevent this. Some of them are going to OD, become addicted, get arrested, make unwise decisions about their sexual lives, put themselves in harm's way, etc. Living at home isn't going to prevent this. You simply can't control what your child is going to do no matter how hard you try. The best that you can do is bring them up with a good value system and hope that they make good decisions about THEIR lives. I think that a lot of parents have difficulty with the idea of relinquishing control but it is necessary if you want your children to grow up to be independent adults. </p>

<p>As for the notion that a "minor drinking infraction" (per the OP) as a sophomore and the use of a stimulant as a senior to help with studying as being indicative of an "addiction", that's simply absurd.</p>

82

<p>"Will someone please explain to me how making her go to a local college is going to prevent her from doing drugs or drinking? "</p>

<p>These are the reasons to keep her at home:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Since her going locally would be a direct consequence of the problems she had in high school, and since she would like to attend college away from home, she'd have more incentive to not continue breaking the law in terms of her substance use. </p></li>
<li><p>Her parents also would be in more of a position to see if she does have a CD or other problem, so would be better able to help her get any help that she needs. For instance, I know parents who were paying for their kids to attend college away from home, but the students had withdrawn from college and had done things like moved in with lovers. Easy to do when one's parents have paid for a semester of college, and aren't around to see if you are bothering to attend class or even are living at the college.</p></li>
<li><p>If she indeed is too immature or irresponsible to handle the college experience now, her parents wouldn't be wasting their money by sending her to an expensive private college. Even with merit aid, it's likely that a private college would cost more than if she stayed at home and went to a local community or 4-year public university.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>"I think that a lot of parents have difficulty with the idea of relinquishing control but it is necessary if you want your children to grow up to be independent adults. "</p>

<p>If one's student has demonstrated that s/he is too immature to handle college, then it would be foolish to use one's hard earned money to send them off to college away from home. If the student is ready to become an independent adult and they wish to live away from home even though their parent refuses to pay for that experience, they can be independent enough to fund their own independence.</p>

<p>"As for the notion that a "minor drinking infraction" (per the OP) as a sophomore and the use of a stimulant as a senior to help with studying as being indicative of an "addiction", that's simply absurd."</p>

<p>Based on the evidence, even a professional in the addictions field can't say whether she is addicted. Common sense, however, would indicate that it's highly unlikely that she was caught each time she used an illegal substance.</p>

83

<p>
[quote]
Question: how might a "voluntary" withdrawal just prior to graduation be percieved by a college? Surely it would require an explanation? Is it better than being expelled?

[/quote]
</p>

<p>That's from BayAreaDad's first post. I didn't see where in that post or in his subsequent posts on this thread he asked for opinions as to where or whether his D should go to school next year.</p>

<p>Might someone point me to such posts from him?</p>

84

<p>Qwlice, he did ask some other question(s) in post 48, but not specifically the question you mention.</p>

85

<p>BayAreaDad has posted several times on both threads his hesitation at this point in sending his daughter away in the fall. A deferral is certainly something he and his wife are considering while they assess the situation. After his initial post he got more information from his daughter, and now from the school. I suspect there will be a lot of discussion before anything is decided. Not to mention what the college might decide....</p>

86

<p>Greta, the questions he posed in that post have to do with how much the college needs to or should know, and how much should be kept private.</p>

87

<p>My post #84 is an example of an interrupted response...I posted quickly and then had to leave before finishing my thought. MOWC stated it better than I would have anyway.</p>

88

<p>I have seen several kids who acted out in HS, some went on to their 4 year school and did "fine" others crashed and burned. It is difficult to decide which will be the case with your child, especially with the imperfect knowledge of not knowing what is truly the catalyst for stupid choices.</p>

<p>It is very difficult to consider not following ones hopes and dreams; the decision to force a gap year or CC would weigh heavily on any parent. I think we do Bayarea Dad and any one else reading a favour by reminding them to consider that,by pointing out it may be a reasonable option.</p>

<p>It is the offering of all the anecdotes from the varied CC experiences that helps every one else ensure they have considered all facets and potential outcomes of their decision. This is a girl's life and future- college, addiction, family relationship; all of those things are potentially at risk.</p>

<p>I respect every one posting their thoughts about taking a gap before school; I think it would be smart, based on the limited info we have.</p>

89

<p>I don't know if we are missing the point or what: this girl has a drug problem. Exactly what we don't know, but covering it up so she can get her scholarships is not the answer. There is nothing like picking up your child from the police station, or worse, I don't even want to say. The dad OP already has issues with sending his child away to school, where he can't keep his eye on her, so what is he going to do when she is far away and he can't get to her quickly enough or bail her out of trouble. Maybe she needs to stay home and deal with the issues she has right now before she is in a place that she cannot get out of. Edit: just read other thread on this and it seems like BADad is keeping her at home for awhile and tending to her needs there.</p>

90

<p>Does anyone know the outcome of this story? Its pretty intense, and I feel for the parents going thorugh such an ordeal.....I can't read through all the posts,but am curious to know the final outcome.......OP if you are reading this, please share with us what happened.</p>

91

<p>OP posted an update on his other thread.</p>

92

<p>Changing the subject a bit...</p>

<p>I am cynical, so read this in that light. For many college prep schools (and OP's D's former school seems to be one), the most important fact is where their graduates (emphasis on "graduates" -- and graduation rates don't seem to matter to them) matriculate (emphasis on "matriculate"). Perhaps, knowing that disciplinary action could imperil the student's matriculation at a prestigious school added to the weight towards expelling her (so that she did not enter the stat) rather than suspending her. It seems that the Bay Area family will have to have discussions with the high school in the future over the diploma, and I'd urge them to think about these "Where are you coming from" possibilities. It's always best to understand the other side before a negotiation. It could be that knowing that the admission is not jeopardized, combined with a record of taking responsibility, counseling, and doing useful and laudatory things will make it much easier for the school to come to the answer the family wants and, eventually, award the diploma.</p>

<p>As I think about the situation, one important step toward healing would be to help the D find and pursue something to do that makes her proud of herself (and, cynically, that can't hurt with the high school and college either). Once she has taken responsibility, she needs to be able to regain her trust in herself, her self-confidence, and her trust that she is a worthwhile and competent person who can turn this situation around.</p>

93

<p>I thought I would post a follow up regarding the question that launched this thread: "how might a 'voluntary' withdrawal just prior to graduation be percieved by a college? Surely it would require an explanation? Is it better than being expelled?"</p>

<p>Now that we have firsthand experience on this topic, we can eliminate the conjecture.</p>

<p>Some of you may know, from my other thread, that there wasn't really a voluntary withdrawal: my d was expelled from her h.s. without a diploma. But it may be helpful to learn what her college had to say about it.</p>

<p>Last spring, when we conferred with my d's h.s. college counselor, we were informed that her college of choice would not actually require a diploma. As a family, we elected to not volunteer the information about her explusion to the college. It was a tough call, but in hindsight, I wish we would have: Someone in my other thread mentioned that the college/private hs school world is small, and chances were the college would find out..</p>

<p>Late in the summer, the college called the h.s to seek clarification on my d's transcript. Someone at the h.s. mentioned the explusion, and there it was.</p>

<p>We arrived on campus for freshman move-in day, unaware of this most recent event. While we were moving her things into the dorm, my d received a call on her cell phone. She was asked to report to the dean of admissions' office, immediately.</p>

<p>BAMom and I accompanied our d in the walk across campus to the administration building. I, in turn, was accompanied by visions of moving her effects back out of the dorm, and yet another long drive home.</p>

<p>We all met with the dean, and he wanted to know what had happened. My daughter shared an abbreviated vesion, and he asked that she write the episode up and submit it to his office that week. He was kind, and said he thought she should not be too concerned, but did say they would make a decision upon recieving her write-up.</p>

<p>Since neither the dean nor campus security asked us to remove her things from the dorm room, I assumed she could stay, at least for a few more days. So we went back to her dorm and completed the move-in. We went out to eat, and then left my d at college with her task of writing the report.</p>

<p>Later that week, she called to inform us that the college had accepted her report, that it was going to be ok. In their opinion, she had already had appropriate consequences, and they wanted her to have a fresh start. We were humbled and relieved upon hearing this news, but there was a glitch: while the college did not actually require a diploma, the student loan program did. And since BADad was not going to make up the difference out of his own pocket, she would have to find a solution.</p>

<p>She learned that a GED was an acceptable substitute for the diploma, at least with respect to the student loan program. She is still dealing with the paperwork to obtain the GED, but it looks like she'll be sitting for the test over the winter break. I assume she'll have no trouble with the test, but the irony of settling for a GED after 4 years in a top-tier private school does not escape us.</p>

<p>There is still hope, in that her h.s. could award the diploma if she completes a year of college with no, um, bad news. At this point, we have done what we can and now the ball is in her court. We hope the best for her.</p>

94

<p>I was just thinking of you yesterday!!! I haven't read the update yet, but thanks for coming back!</p>

95

<p>Wow, what an emotional rollercoaster. How did the summer go? How do you think she grew from this experience?</p>

96

<p>BADad--</p>

<p>You truly are an inspiration to all of us. I'm glad things worked out.</p>

97

<p>Last year during March break, the school administration review every senior's record and decided to NOT offer graduation to 12 seniors. Tuition paid, College admissions accepted. Most were for a variety of offenses that the students has though that were done and over. It sent shivers through the school. </p>

<p>Offense included an off campus party where alcohol was served. A school official showed up at the beginning of the party, saw the open bar, and shipped everyone back to campus. Second event that snagged several students was emptying a six-packo of soda in grocery store bathroom, refilling them with beer. The Grocery staff nabbed them before they left the building. $40,000 in annual tuition down the drain.</p>

<p>Although My D's school does not do it, many preps will hand their semi-pro athletes their walking papers (diploma arranged with home area public) in order to protect their reputation. Athletes who skated academically would taint the school name. Be warned: an athletic scholarship does not entitle one to a diploma from a top Prep school.</p>

<p>Eleven 9th-graders at my daughter pre-prep school got caught smoking pot on the school directors' roof. Varying effectiveness a parent's negotiation resulted in 5 expulsions, 3 out for the rest of the year, but allowed back then next, and several with not a blip.</p>

<p>The school was very public about it. Better to admit that a problem has been dealt with then to deny that the problem exists. </p>

<p>And you may be denying that your daughter has a problem. Get a lawyer and negotiation. and then get your daughter into rehab.</p>

98

<p>Thanks for the update. I read this thread when you first posted and it is so good to hear that things turned out OK.</p>

99

<p>Thank you so much for the update. I'm glad that your daughter has the opportunity for a "fresh start" and it is heartening that the college is willing to give her this chance, especially since she did not make the report. It would really be too bad if one mistake at age 17 or so completely derailed a student. </p>

<p>Best wishes to you and your family!</p>

100

<p>toadstool- Have you read the whole thread? The OP is not in any way denying that his daughter had a problem and he and her mother addressed it in a number of ways. Yes, these situations occur frequently, but we all appreciate the willingness of BayAreaDad to share the story from the beginning because we can all learn from it.
I, too, am glad BayAreaDad's daughter is in college and working through the consequences of what happened in her final weeks of high school.</p>