Waitlist Essay-- Good enough?

Was wondering if anyone could read my wait-list statement & give some feedback…

Prompt: Write a brief 200 word essay of why you think you should attend UC Davis (something like that)…

 I was thrilled when UC Davis added Cognitive Science to its range of over one hundred majors. I have always had an interest in human behavior and specifically in how the mind works. I developed an interest in the neurological phenomenon called synesthesia when I was young and I hope to research this subject in the future. I have read several publications by Professor Bernard Molyneux dealing with consciousness, including “On the Infinitely Hard Problem of Consciousness”. I hold immense admiration for his work and hope to have him as a professor if admitted to UC Davis. As my sister is currently a sophomore there, I have become quite familiar with the campus atmosphere and feel that I would fit in perfectly, especially considering my love for biking and the outdoors. UC Davis’s location is ideal for my family as it is less than an hour commute. In fact, if I am admitted, my parents will be able to relocate to Davis, which will avoid future debt as well as offer convenience. This would allow me to focus on what is important: receiving an exceptional education from this university and caring for my parents in times of need.

I’m not sure if you should include the location being ideal and couldn’t your parents move near whichever college you choose. Your first half is pretty amazing imo. Just my 2 cents, I’m in the same situation as you.

bump

They aren’t going to care about your parents being able to relocate. They want to know about your feelings on the school and why you think you should be going there, and about why Davis would be important to your future.

I got off of the wait list last year and I honestly do not think that the ending mentioning that parents isn’t great. The beginning is great and you should not change it. UCD is looking for a student who is passionate about the campus, so instead of write about your parents, you should expand on your passion for the school and how you will be a benefit to the Davis community.