Waitlist essay - good enough?

Transfer Students UC Transfers
1

I need your feedback please!

–please briefly tell us why you feel UC Davis is the right place for you to continue your education. Please limit your response to 200 words."

I am very grateful for the opportunity afforded to me through position on your waitlist. I am working diligently on fulfilling the admissions requirements, including taking Calculus 2 over the summer. I feel very confident that I will do well. I would like to assure you of my intent to SIR, once admitted, as UC Davis is my top choice in pursuing a Biology degree.  Davis has always been my first choice to foster my growth as an individual toward a rewarding path of educational and moral enrichment.
I believe I am an excellent fit for the academic and ideological commitments the university represents. I can see myself succeeding academically, handling rigorous coursework and simultaneously being an active student  I intend to utilize every resource and take advantage of the ample opportunities offered at UC Davis. I will dedicate myself to the community and be an active student. My education at UC Davis will benefit society because it will provide me with knowledge, leadership and problem-solving skills necessary for my field. I sincerely hope to gain admission from the waitlist and be given the opportunity to share my talents at this university.
2

anyone? please?

3

“I am very grateful for the opportunity afforded to me through position on your waitlist”-- awkward sentence.
“I feel very confident that I will do well.”–they don’t care if you’re confident, all they want to see is the grade mark; delete it.

4

I think it’s ok, but impersonal. Anyone could have written that essay. There is nothing uniquely “you” in it. This is your last chance to sell YOU!

5

"I believe I am an excellent fit for the academic and ideological commitments the university represents. "

How exactly? I would elaborate a little.

6

“I will dedicate myself to the community and be an active student.”

Are there any specific clubs or student organizations at Davis that you could briefly mention in this sentence? Show that you are truly interested and have taken the time to look over student activities at Davis. Mentioning a club or organization that fits your profile is important.

7

Sounds a bit generic and an essay that has been written thousands of times.

Nearly every sentence starts with “I”. Be creative in your writing. If you have a writing center at your college, take it to them they’ll help you structure it.