This quote, found at the end of this recent NYT’s article about the stress of being a HS student in Palo Alto, will hopefully strike a cord in some parents hearts before it is too late.
Its not easy being a kid in this area, where college expectations are way to high.
In a similar vein, I cannot understand why some parents want their kids to apply to a school that is clearly above their academic aptitude just based on their own legacy or a connection they may have. They are putting their own pride before the kid’s well-being. I also feel that a lot of kids apply to early decision schools that are way above their heads so they can brag to their friends. Makes no difference that they get rejected, the impression is that the kid had the requisite resume to even apply in the first place. We all know that many qualified applicants get rejected so their friends are none the wiser. And the parents let them do it…probably so they can also brag…lol!
There are many sets of stressful high expectations for young people; one is to choose a major and a career that pays a lot. But that is actually pretty mundane and easy. The harder set of expectations is to be “interesting” and “creative” and “unique.” It’s not enough just to be a normal, average, functioning, self-supporting, ethical person. You have to astonish the the world, or you are a failure. I see this dynamic in places like Princeton, NJ, where it’s far more prestigious to have a child who is, say, a documentary filmmaker, than it is to have a child who is an accountant or a nurse.
I hope all the people on this site pushing their 12 year olds to take the SAT are reading this article.
My kid’s friends call me a slacker mom, so it’s nice to have a little validation. Maybe I should dial it back some more
“I hope all the people on this site pushing their 12 year olds to take the SAT are reading this article”
Eh, my kids both took it at 12 yo so they could go to Duke TiP. I’m fine with them going wherever they want to go, as long as they enjoy being there. They currently enjoy the heck out of TiP.
SAT’s are like a gun-it’s a tool. How you use it is up to you.
“SAT’s are like a gun”
?? The SAT’s are a weapon? I dont think thats a very good analogy.
tools arent designed to kill others.
Or in words I read somewhere on the internet . . . . “prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child.”
I read this yesterday and was so saddened by it. As a slackermom extraordinaire all I wanted was for my kid to live up to his potential - whatever that happened to be so as not to limit his choices in life. Basically this amounted to doing his homework and remembering to turn it in.
"why some parents want their kids to apply to a school that is clearly above their academic aptitude just based on their own legacy or a connection they may have. "
As a mother of two high-achieving children, and one high-achieving-for-her-capablilties child, I have had no choice but to learn to want the best for my kid–not the objective “best.” That said, living in a high pressure region of the country, what does make me despair is that colleges around here are themselves promoters of the “you have to be the best in everything” mentality. I sat through many information sessions at top schools, and they all said a version of this" We don’t need your student to take every AP that’s offered/AP level in every subject, but we’d like to see that he has challenged himself and taken a rigorous course load." But what they say and what they do are two different things. Just last week I was reading an article about athletic recruitment at a top 10 LAC. In it some coaches were quoted as saying they have learned that their admissions office distinguishes between the harder and easier AP’s, so they now check if their recruits took AP Stat instead of AP Calc. Really? What if the student plans to major in the social sciences and thought statistics made more sense for that field? Sure, I understand that the one is considered harder than the other, but the colleges seemed to be “saying” there is wiggle room based on the individual and his strengths and passions. Guess not. It’s one size fits all, and everyone has to take AP Calc., because that’s the best path for the best students.
My older child was very academically talented but that was never acknowledged by the school. She was the kid with the top grades who was ignored by the administration for any type of honors, award, etc. She was laughed at and told “oh no one get in there” by the schools career center person (I was there at the time) when she told her what school she was most interested in applying to. I had no choice but to be the one to encourage her. Not push, but let her know what she was capable of.
ETA- She was so discouraged that she would not have applied to the school she wanted. When we were home I pulled up the school’s Naviance and showed her that the students with her stats had been accepted to that school.
The best thing for my child is for them to be the best.
A million times yes.
It’s only gotten worse, in my experience, once I’ve started college. From what I’ve been told, I need at least one internship in the works, have a part time job preferably in engineering, hold leadership positions not only in my sorority but my other time intensive club, participate in engineering societies, have a cute little hobby, all the while taking 17 credits a semester chock full of work intensive courses. Oh, and to not forget to be a decent human being who is happy 85% of the time. Basically, “busy” is best.
It’s 100% okay not to be busy and to not have anything planned in the day. I’ve started to say no to different leaders and peers who ask me of things and I’ve never felt better in my entire college career.
Again, it depends on the family. We always wanted them to be the best and it has worked. It is great to find out how to handle the perceived “failure” as early in life as possible. If the goal is a first place and a kid happened to get a second place, it is psychological challenge to overcome certain level of expectations. To learn this process earlier in life is a great advantage. Many careers will require perfection, but many times this perfection is simply not possible. Striving for perfection is a must in many real life situation, "settling’ for 98% instead of 100% is a skill that is good to obtain as early in life as possible. If a kid is in sport, it is much easier to understood concept.
Overall, super protecting kids from “turbulences” of life will backfire in a future, “turbulences” are not avoidable, period. They better learn how to handle the disparity between expectations and results as ealy as possible. Learning how to walk involves falling, this is just as simple.
The title here says it all. Want the best for your child. As a parent, it’s your responsibility to know your child and figure out, to the best of YOUR abilities, what is best for YOUR child. Is the best thing for your child to take 5 AP classes? Chill out with headphones on for an hour every night? How much do you push your children so they reach their potential? How much do you back off and let your children make decisions on how they will spend their time? I think what would be most stressful for a kid would be to feel like they have no control, no say, in their lives. If the parent is making all the decisions, and the kid has no say, just imagine how stressful and hopeless that would feel.
The other problem is the lack of down time. Even things that used to be relaxing are now stressful. When I was a kid, sports were recreational. Pick-up games of baseball were fun. Even on organized teams, it was just for fun. Baseball was a few months in the summer and parents were never involved other than going to some of the games. Now it’s travel teams year round and parents pushing the kids to work with private trainers and showing up to watch practices. Yes, some kids want that and love that, but in some cases it’s parent-driven and very stressful. Kids need down time, some more than others, and different things count as down time for different kids. Parents should be cognizant of that.
When my kids were little, and other kids were probably taking a million lessons and going to a million activities, I used to get out big bags of blocks and random plastic toys, and just set them on the floor. Eventually my kids would notice them and create something wonderfully impossible, like army men battling dinosaurs in a land of giant block boulders. I thought this use of their time was what was best for them, and I think they turned out ok despite not taking bassoon lessons or playing in the Little League World Series. But I understand that those activities may well be what is best for other kids.
Sheesh. Sometimes I feel like some people are channeling Diana Moon Glampers, the Handicapper General. Some kids are naturally very competitive.
Surely, @Hunt, you’re not talking about my post, wherein I clearly state that what is right for my kids is not right for others. Yes, “some kids are naturally very competitive”, mine included. But what we thought was right for them was multiple sports, competitive but not select/travel teams, and lots of down time (to read, relax, fish). On the other hand, we know many kids who were interested in pursuing one sport (or instrument, whatever) to the exclusion of others and at a highly competitive level, and that is what they did. Good for them. Not good for my kids.
Hope I interpreted your Diana Moon Glampers reference correctly. Had to Google it because my parents never pushed me to read Vonnegut. Instead they let me (never forced me) to pursue my love of tennis in every spare moment I had. The day I decided to quit competitive tennis to play 3 other sports in HS, my parents basically said “Oh, that sounds like fun!”. I hope to be that kind of parent - my parents truly wanted the best for us. I think they only wanted us to “be the best” if and when they thought (and often they did) being the best was what was best for us. Does that make sense?
I’m just being grouchy. Maybe it’s not this thread, but a lot like it, in which the premise seems to be that anybody with a drive to excel is being manipulated by Svengali-like parents.
Um, yeah, you might just be a tad grouchy today. :)) That may be the premise of a few, but not the majority.
But, hey, perhaps a compliment will cheer you up! So,… good work on all the great allusions! You are THE BEST at LITERARY DEVICES! First place trophy for you!