We miss him, Maybe he doesn't miss us. ?

Parents Forum
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<p>All,</p>

<p>Our son is a college freshman. He is our oldest, and our first child to go off to college, so this is all new territory for us. We miss him a lot, and it does not seem like he misses us, much at all. </p>

<p>We are not naive. We realize that he is now an adult (and has not been our baby for many years). We realize that part of the growing up process is letting go and allowing him to find his way. We realize that once they (students in general) go off to college they are not going to want to be calling mommy and daddy every day. </p>

<p>Initially, for the first week, he called us about every other day, with some question about doing laundry, or some administrative paperwork, etc. That was close to a month ago. Now, he does not call us much. We call him every 4th or 5th day, if we don’t hear from him. He does not seem interested to tell us much about the many things going on. He is not cold or ugly with us. He is just not as forthcoming as he seemed to be in high school.</p>

<p>In case it matters, he is at a well-known university with close to 20,000 students. The university is well known for good academics, and good social times.</p>

<p>During our brief calls, he says, and we believe, that he is happy and is doing well. He and his roommate seem close. (We met him during move-in week). He has a full load of 17 units, and seems to be doing fine in his classes. He mentions that he went to the movies with some friends. When asked what he has been doing, he mostly says, “just hanging out. His communication with us is brief, and almost like he is in a hurry to get off the phone. </p>

<p>We would love to hear about the food in the dorms, the new friends, what they have been doing, how he likes his classes and/or his Profs. We want to hear some of his comical stories about events with his friends. In high school, he would occasionally tell us some humorous tales about adventures with his friends. Surely now, being new to dorm life, and to college, he must experienced many new situations that "could be" communicated to us. I guess we are a little sad, and our feelings are a little hurt. My wife cried today, that he does not seem to miss her – the way that she misses him. </p>

<p>I know that there are surely families who have worse situations. There are probably some families who have had very stressful relationships, and (for whatever reasons) the students have no interest, and who refuse to call home. There are probably some parents who are glad to have their child move out (due to the past stress, arguments, etc). And there are probably many families like us, no major fights, and the typical teenage years of churn.</p>

<p>We have loved him all along. We did exert some parental control over the years, communicating the importance of homework, schoolwork, curfews, etc. He did not always appreciate our rules, but he mostly lived pleasantly within them. He is probably glad to have a new sense of “total” freedom, and that may be part of the reason for his lack of communication. Nonetheless, it still hurts, and concerns us.</p>

<p>I am interested to hear from other parents who have been through this, or who are going through this.</p>

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<p>I posted this twice (as a new thread each time), and i still do not see it show up as a thread, when i go up to the Parents Forum folder level.</p>

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<p>Why don't you just tell him? Explain to him that you are happy that he is busy and seems fulfilled but that you would like to share in the experience and would like some details. I think what you are experiencing is very normal and what he is experiencing is very normal. He is trying to balance his independence with his family and that can be very hard. My first son was very verbal and would call fairly often-sometimes on the way walking to a class he would call with a little update or anecdote. It may have only been for a couple of minutes, but I felt like I was participating in his life. My second son just started last week and we have spoken often and online, however I expect that to change as he gets deeper into his school work and social activities. The bottom line is, to understand that this is very normal, not to put too much pressure on your son, but explain to him that it is a change in your lives as well, and you would like to share some of his experiences. Perhaps he could have a set time each week-like a Sunday, where he could call and give you a half an hour.</p>

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<p>Talk through email. It's a lot easier. Your son will communicate with you a lot more, I guarantee it.</p>

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<p>do you use IM?</p>

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<p>Give him some time.</p>

<p>I'm not a parent, but I'm very close to my younger cousins. One of them just went off as college freshman this year, and I'm dyyyyyyying to know how it went. But he's really busy, too, so our calls are usually really short. He's in a whirlwind trying to meet people, get his classes straight, find out what clubs to join, etc. </p>

<p>As a soph., I'm MUCH better at handling my time so I find myself having a little downtime when I can call my mom and just chat for a bit. Freshman year, I call when I can but when I don't it's not because I don't care--I was just so caught up in something else. The college life is really a world in a bubble of it's own. And in many calls, I cut them short because something just suddenly popped up. </p>

<p>One thing I tried out in freshman year was what AudiB4 suggested: a scheduled call time. I'd really try to abide by it, but really.. things do pop up, and I always feel bad later on. I think it did help though. And maybe set it in the afternoon, because mine was at 9pm, and when I realize later that I missed it... it was like 2am, and that's no time to call your mother.</p>

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<p>We have freshman son who started two weeks ago - he's not communicating as much as we'd like but we kind of expected that. He responded to a couple of emails- once with a very friendly tone and some nice details about his life. In one of our emails, I gave him some updates and then tried putting in a note (with a smiley face) that we would love to hear from him - and that a phone call would be really nice. He called the next day with some details on the first week of classes. Said he's doing fine and having fun. Lots of friends in the background. Didn't share much else though. He has not responded to the last two emails I sent him - but then again - it's the weekend. I think they are more likely to communicate with parents during the week (when parties are hopefully out of the way). I'm trying not to get to upset about this - but it IS hard - and I also feel like we miss him more than he misses us. But that means that he's growing up and finding his own way and that's a good thing. Think about the parents who are hearing from unhappy kids who want to come home. I prefer our situation and we'll just keep trying to help him understand that WE need him to check in with us once in a while. So - you're not alone! And I think this is more common with boys - who are just not wired to communicate as much as girls (see the NY Times Book Review for an interesting article on this).</p>

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<p>He loves you, he's just being a normal boy. He probably doesn't "miss" you as much as you miss him -- he's having fun! Life is good! I know it's hard to not hear from him. (I don't hear from my son either and we are very close.) Take my word for it -- you will get used to it (or at least it won't bother you as much).</p>

<p>Definitely get IM. Is there ayounger sibling at home who could set it up for you? It is almost the only way I talk to my son. (Well, I usually call him once a week or less.) But it's good because it's nice to just get in a quick "Hi how are you?" and not feel like I'm bothering him. It also lets him off the hook because it isn't like he has to get in a big conversation.</p>

<p>Detailed accounts of his life at school -- Ha! Don't hold your breath. Try to go to Parents Weekend if they have one. You might glean some information there.</p>

<p>Anyway, hope that helps. AND REMEMBER -- it could be worse!!! My friend's daughter calls her crying several times a day. Yikes!</p>

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<p>OP, I hear your pain! My 15 yo son went to a summer program for six weeks, his first extended time away from home. Hardly heard from him at all, and when we got through on his cell phone, he was generally uncommunicative. As you said, not rude, just not very chatty. </p>

<p>When he got back, he and I were sitting and talking, and I said that one thing I learned this summer was that we should set some expectations for communicating up-front when he goes off to college, in part because I felt hurt that he seemed to be avoiding us.</p>

<p>What he said blew me away: "Mom, it's not that I'm trying to get away from you guys. It's that I'm running TO something new." I will admit, he made me cry. But boy, what a lesson, and one that I will carry with me as he heads off to college in two years, and my other son leaves two years after that.</p>

<p>All that said, we did get a lot more response from emails. He could "talk" without roommates and friends listening in. He still tended to reply in short sentences, but then I realized that's how he communicates via IM. Got myself an IM account and we were actually able to have conversations.</p>

<p>Hang in there!</p>

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<p>Thanks for the responses so far. </p>

<p>We don't use IM. He used to use IM quite a bit, not much anymore. (Good idea though, i think we will ask him if he still uses it, and offer it as a means of communicating. I would not want to just suprise him, in case he considers it his private space, so to speak. When he used to IM, we would never approach his PC, because we wanted him to have his space, with his friends.)</p>

<p>Just before going off to college, he was learning and using Facebook quite a bit. I think that may still be his main method of communicating with his peers. </p>

<p>He does have a cellphone, which we pay the bill for, and receive the statement for. Consequently, we know that he communicates very often with friends. It is surprising to see the number of calls to many states around the country (we realize the person may just be down the hall, or in another dorm, but the phone was registered in the state where they live. Funny to see calls from all over the country).</p>

<p>We have emailed, and he does not respond much to emails. He has never been one to respond to emails (for high school activities, relatives, and even friends). Just isn't his preferred choice for communication. </p>

<p>I also like the suggestion for agreeing upon a certain day of the week, and attempting a longer call. 30 minutes would probably seem like an eternity for him, at this point, to talk with mom and dad. I would settle for 10-15. :-)</p>

<p>Thanks for the great input.</p>

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<p>I would suggest you NOT call your son, but ask him to call you once a week (if that's the frequency you want.) As adults, we have fairly predictable schedules - while college students do not seem to do so. My DD can predict when to call me at a "good" time - but I haven't a clue when a good time to call is, because her schedule changes all the time. (And, she's in Chile... LOL) When you let him call you, it's more likely to be a good conversation. :)</p>

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<p>My daughter has been gone about 3 weeks and I miss her so much! This letting go stuff is hard, and I am trying not to smother, but I really want to share what is going on in her exciting new world. We are fortunate that she does call occasionally. However, I agree with the parents who suggested you and your wife get set up with instant messenger. The "conversations" seem weird at first, but it is perfectly natural to them. We "im" each other daily---here is how hubby and I do it---when we check our e-mail at home, in the morning and evening, we also activate the AOL Instant Messenger. Her name will be highlighed in our "buddy list" if she has signed on. We do not immediately click on her name to instant message her. We do our normal computer stuff, such as checking our e-mail, news headlines, weather, etc., and within a very short time she will instant message us to say "hi". We try to let her take the lead so that she knows we are giving her some space, but it is really comforting to us to be able to regularly stay in touch with her in the way that is most natural to her. Good luck to you and your wife, and if you havent done so already, pick up a copy of "letting Go"</p>

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<p>Another nice thing about IM -- You can say, "Is this a good time to call you?"</p>

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<p>Just finished "Letting Go" and "Almost Grown" -- both of which I recommend. Made me feel like I was not alone in this!</p>

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<p>Same story w/ my son. Things are going well for him but I'm not getting the communication I desire. I'm going to try setting up IM. That should at least keep me busy and distracted for some hours : )</p>

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<p>Same with my son. We do have IM and use it all the time but he often doesn't respond or will sign off when he doesn't want to talk. I find it frustrating and you have to remember that when you are on the computer sometimes IM is annoying. I told my son when he left that I would not call him (remembering a bad timing thing with my own father from my college days...suffice to say he called during a major party in my dorm room and someone else answered the phone). I asked that he call me once a week when it was convenient for him. So far he has sort of done that but they have been short calls with little information.
I tried emailing questions survey style...got back some one word responses.
I have been very upset about it. My husband and others keep telling me that he needs to do this in order to establish his own life. Once he feels more established he will probably share with me more.<br>
I am holding on to that thought right now but I definitely have shed some tears over the lack of communication.</p>

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<p>We had the same experience with our son as a freshman. He was fine but he was also homesick now and then. If he was busy and happy, he didn't need to call. If he was a little homesick, he didn't want to call because hearing our voices would make him more homesick. </p>

<p>Of course, we didn't find any of this out until the summer after his freshman year. By that time, he had adjusted and was comfortable with being away from home and living on his own. He called far more often his sophomore year, including several calls where he wanted to talk longer than we had time for! </p>

<p>Overall, trust your instincts. We also had concerns during our son's freshman year and it turned out our gut feelings were right, even though nothing was seriously wrong. In the typical kid, it's something they have to work out for themselves.</p>

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<p>I have to say that I was very frustrated after the first week with the lack of communication (and this is after going through heck and back before he left and feeling like I couldn't WAIT for him to leave). I could call him or he'd call me, but I'd get one word answers to all my pointed questions.</p>

<p>I then wrote him a very candid email about how I felt about our communication. Perhaps this was not what is recommended, however, it worked for us.</p>

<p>I explained that I understood that it was an exciting time for him and he was off on a great new adventure. However, he has a family at home that loves him and is working beside him to support him (financially and logistically as well as emotionally, which I'm sure will come). Part of the deal is that in order for us to treat him as the adult which he is becoming, he needs to act like that adult. That means communicating to us about his life. I explained that it hurt to drag information out of him. </p>

<p>I then didn't call and I sent a care package. Three days later I received a wonderful call in which we talked for an hour. And it was a conversation. Since then we've been on much better terms. </p>

<p>I think it takes an adjustment on everyone's part. In our case, I think I explained to him (using the ol' <em>I</em> messages) specifically how I felt and what I would like to have happen. I set down my expectations. We'll see what happens next...</p>

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<p>I think it is reasonable to expect weekly calls from a child at college, especially if you are paying the bills. We ask our children to call twice a week - once on Thursday to tell us about their classes and again on Sunday so we can hear about their weekends. Both seem fine with that arrangement because they can call at their convenience and they always have something new to tell us. Our son is far less communicative than our daughter, but the contact is always appreciated.</p>

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<p>We felt the exact same way as the OP when our son went off. At the risk of sounding sexisit , I think this is more common with boys than girls (our daughter and the d's of many friends seem to maintain much more frequent contact). We do not use IM with our son unless he initiates it, because we don't want him to feel that we are breathing down his neck. However, I do agree with others that it is not unreasonable to ask for a once weekly phone call. My son doesn't like to be on a specific schedule, but he does usually try to keep to that general frequency (except during really academically stressful periods). While I still find it hard when we haven't heard from him much, I am comforted by two things: 1. when we do talk, he is very open and sharing about his life and still the same sweet kid and 2. He has been extremely happy at school. Nevertheless, this whole separation/letting go phenomenon has been a tough parental challenge.</p>