We miss him, Maybe he doesn't miss us. ?

Parents Forum
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<p>No, it happens with daughters too -- I emailed my daughter a couple of days ago and asked her to call Sunday night... she just did, but said she was very busy studying and was anxious to get off the phone. Except last week, there were several very long calls when she was dealing with some class scheduling issues that upset her... and even tonight once we got to talking she asked my advice on a couple of things. One thing that helped is that when she said that she didn't have much to talk about, I said, "that's fine, I'll tell you about what I've been doing." I guess she got bored pretty quickly listing to that and decided that she wanted to talk about her life after all. </p>

<p>So that brings me to another point: fill the void in your lives with something else. Find some new activity, get reacquainted with old friends or make new ones, volunteer, start a new hobby or household projects... whatever. </p>

<p>College life is very busy with a lot of activity, and one aspect is that the kids are surrounded by people all the time -- they have their roommate, all their college friends, communal meals in the dining hall, classes, etc. So they are thrust into a new world where they are never lacking for company, and they are constantly in conversation with different people. They don't feel the need to share simply because they are so busy and have so many opportunities to interact with others. Because of that they tend to be in the mood to talk only during times they are feeling down or when they need something specific. </p>

<p>Meanwhile, we parents are home doing the same thing as always... which is why I say the best solution is to get involved with new people or new activities. It's easy to get lonely when you are home alone in an empty, quiet house.</p>

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<p>IMs are totally out of the question for our Son from parents. He would die if I watched his Away messages. He is a bit introverted by nature. Emails we get are also cryptic and rare. Although great friends of ours do this Away message monitoring. and it is welcomed by their kid. (reading his away messages would be too addictive for me so I don't go there.) </p>

<p>There is no right way, there is just the way that works for your family culture. </p>

<p>There is no way separation is going to be painless either. Personally I find CC is a good drug for when I miss my boys. I have a few other things to main-line too. My S is a sophomore and I have this gut feeling that he won't be calling on us for parental support this year and will be problem solving all on his own with his friends helping him sort out life. Which is to be celebrated as a good outcome of maturing and edging toward age 20 with friendships in place in your second year of college.</p>

<p>I don't think our S is exactly experiencing loss, he is experiencing fabulous fulfillment, stimulation and elation most of the time.</p>

<p>I definitely have a life tinged with loss now and my life is changing focus slowly.
But I think it is a parent's perogative to ask for and require common courtesy routines. </p>

<p>We got phone calls when he needed advice, help or something like money and I was pleased he could call to ask for input when appropriate when things did not go his way in health or a class. I predict you will be "needed" some this freshman year, so sit back and wait to see in what ways you can be supportive. </p>

<p>Re Common Courtesy...it tends to protect both parties as all manners do and it prevents you as a parent from getting wounded, shrill or from alienating your kid. I like to recommend setting up an expectation of a phone call with a little substance expected..no grudging pull your teeth conversations.. but a decent exchange phone call weekly. This relieves you of giving into impulses to contact him for trivia during the week, and it relieves him of being a clod by "forgetting" to call you over and over. We found that our S was very chatty in this format but if I heard from him mid-week, total surprise and likely only a new problem presented. </p>

<p>Son relished the independence of no parents six days a week most of the time. His gains in life are tinged with our losses. We will find our way to the next level of relating to our son as he finds and fills out more of his own identity, too.</p>

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<p>My S has been at his U since move-in day 8/16. He was very brief on his prior calls but last weekend, I told him I REALLY wanted him to call us at least once/week and really talk (more than monosyllables). Today (one week later), he did call and talked about the campout he has just returned from with the folks on the floor of his dorm. He sounded very happy and rested. I told him it was grandparents' day & asked if he could call back when we were all together at a party later that evening & speak with his grandparents. He agreed, but when the appointed hour came & went, I called him & he was happy to speak with me & them & his sister.</p>

<p>It does take a while for the kids to figure out how much they are willing to share with us & it helps if we allow them to choose the time & initiate the call (at least for my S). My S keeps in touch with his sister (who lives at home) via IM & sometimes she shares messages with us & tells him messages from us. I consider this "a work in progress," but am happy we are working things out & he's sharing a bit more than he did in the 1st few weeks.</p>

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<p>I have the same experience with my now soph son. Last year, he barely called and, when I called him, he was hardly "chatty". We do IM, though he rarely initiates that either. Whenever I ask him if I am bothering him, he reassures me that it is "totally fine" and I can IM him whenever I want. (Usually it is a few line conversation with one or two word answers but at least I know he's OK). Funny, whenever I express that I'd like to hear more about his life, he says he's already told me everything...(and I think he believes that). I definitely find that the best conversations are the ones where he calls me spontaneously--either when something good happens or he needs to ask for something. When he initiates, he clearly has more time to talk and more inclination to share. The hard part of course is waiting for those types of calls to happen!</p>

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<p>My S is the same way. Last year as a freshman he would usually only call if I had called him first and he saw that he had missed a call! Most of the time he called when he was walking across campus from a class or to his car (which was a hike). S refuses to email. He doesn't spend time on the computer much except to do homework. He's not a techie guy and hasn't done IM since 8th grade. </p>

<p>Now as a sophomore, he's living off-campus and life is even more exciting for him! We probably hear from him once every 8-10 days. He did call me last week to ask how to make soup! LOL. Maybe cooking questions will keep us more in touch this year. </p>

<p>One thing I do to sorta feel "in touch" is to read his school's student newspaper online. That way I feel sorta connected to what's going on in his world and it gives us something to talk about when he calls that is relevant to him. I find that he's not really too interested in the mundane day to day happenings here on the homefront.</p>

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<p>My S has been away for 9 days now... and I've either spoken/IM'd with him at least once a day. But they are far from satisfying communications! We are a very IM-friendly family -- we each have a computer at home (I work from home & my desk is in the dining room) -- so my boys & I IM eachother all the time in the house.... "walk the dog", "is dinner ready", "can we leave now", things like that... so I don't think he really resents the IMing at school, it's really a way of life for us. And I really try to let him initiate. This week there were a lot of logistical things to discuss -- packages to be sent with stuff he forgot.... a meeting he had to have with an advisor he wanted to tell me about.... a broken keyboard needed replacing.... BUT! and here's a big one... while my younger son (15) leaves his computer on all the time with a variety of away messages, the freshman doesn't! The one thing I know about him is that he always turns his computer off... completely... not just the internet.... every single night... and he has done so since he got his first computer at 12 years old.... so when he put up an away message Friday night at 5:30.... and it was still there Sat. at noon.... I was, needless to say, very concerned. My husband and 15 yo thought I was crazy. But... when I spoke with the freshman around 2 PM, while he agreed with his dad & brother (mom's nuts) he also agreed that given I know this pattern of his (turning off computer every night) he can understand why I was concerned. But he also told me it might (probably will) happen again, and I should deal with it.<br>
Yesterday, in an IM I casually asked, "how's your roommate"? He then blasted me for the question. I thought it was a fairly benign question. Apparently, his roommate isn't any of my business.
I know my 2 kids have been speaking with eachother... the younger one is taking a course his brother took 3 years ago, and is using some of his old notes... they've been IMing about that.... I guess its not so annoying when your younger brother IMs you.... less so than your mom.
It's challenging for me, because the computer is such a big part of my day.... I work from home, and am on the computer all day for business, and then sporadically through the evening for personal stuff. So I see him sign on & off. The temptation to say hi all the time is very great.
But then I remember.... (and please don't tell my parents I said this).... how I feel when I see my parents online.... and how often I intentionally sign off or put up an away message when I see them sign on.... just because I don't feel like being bothered with them right then. If I can react that way (and I'm almost 46 years old).... I can only imagine the pressure it must put on an 18 year old college freshman!
That's a sobering thought, isn't it?</p>

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<p>calmom: "One thing that helped is that when she said that she didn't have much to talk about, I said, "that's fine, I'll tell you about what I've been doing." That's very funny. :D</p>

<p>ebeeeee: "We do have IM and use it all the time but he often doesn't respond or will sign off when he doesn't want to talk." Same thing here. I finally asked my younger son -- why does son #1 always look like he's away? He told me he just has an away message -- he may, or may not, actually be away. Definitely avoiding me. Oh well. Take the hint, huh? :(</p>

<p>nymom2sons: I too IM my other son upstairs. It's better than shouting! (And gets just about the same response...)</p>

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<p>My kids (daughter and son) also had no clue about how much we were missing them here at home. As much as I wanted to talk every couple of days, once a week actually does work out. When my daughter was a freshman (now college senior) it was Monday or Tuesday evening the first two years but last year it was whenever it worked out - if we hadn't heard from each other in about a week one of us would call. Sometimes we talk 3 or 4 times a week and sometimes over a week will go by before I realize we hadn't talked.</p>

<p>If you go over to the Parent cafe, you'll see a enlightening thread entitiled "Getting college student to call home". </p>

<p>We too were having a hard time getting our freshman son to call and getting him to understand how important that was to us. When I talked to him last week and told him that I would rather have a nice conversation when he had time to talk then a quick question answer session, he seemed to understand. But, I really did have to tell him what we expected because he is NOT missing us (maybe his dog) and did not understand why in world we would be interested, or even should be allowed to know, what's going on in his life. His sister did not get that either. </p>

<p>We've moved a few times, they've gone to sleep away camp out of state, independent trips across the US, etc. I think they really get that we will be there for them no matter what so what's the point in missing us?</p>

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<p>My husband and I were talking last night about whether or not we thought our parents missed us when we were in college. Neither one of us recalls that they seemed to! (But I'm sure they must have - right?) We didn't recall any pressure to call (too expensive!) and we didn't recall a flood of letters either. Nor was there much to-do about holidays. Somehow we sort of found our way home without them sending us tickets or making any plans for us. Hmmm. I wonder if these are accurate memories or just our perception at the time.</p>

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<p>Weenie, I've been wondering the same thing. I think my parents were extremely tolerant. But I think kids and their parents (at least in our case?) had different relationships 30 years ago. Remember the generation gap? </p>

<p>I remember that somehow I got a ride home one weekend from college the first fall (it was about a 4 hour drive). I didn't tell my parents, I just walked in on a Friday night. My mother got so mad, she said she thought she saw a ghost. I thought she was going to have a heart attack. She said 'what are you doing here?' Of course after the initial shock, she was happy, but their expectation was that they wouldn't see me or hear much from me from August til the end of November. </p>

<p>I think kids and their parents have a different relationship today. We're closer with our kids than we were with our parents. And communication methods have made keeping in touch much more viable. So another case of 'do as I say, not as I did...'.</p>

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<p>I also have a freshman {a daughter} who will be starting this week so I haven't been through this yet, but I can only imagine how frustrating it must be!
My only suggestions at this time would be to just tell him that you would like to hear from him more and be given some updates! Also, emails, AIM and basically anything "computer" is the best way to keep in touch!</p>

<p>More than anything though, give yourself a huge pat on the back for having a child who is learning to be independent and is adjusting well to college-life!
;-)</p>

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<p>Great points by Calmom: "College life is very busy with a lot of activity, and one aspect is that the kids are surrounded by people all the time -- they have their roommate, all their college friends, communal meals in the dining hall, classes, etc. So they are thrust into a new world where they are never lacking for company, and they are constantly in conversation with different people. They don't feel the need to share simply because they are so busy and have so many opportunities to interact with others. Because of that they tend to be in the mood to talk only during times they are feeling down or when they need something specific.
Meanwhile, we parents are home doing the same thing as always... which is why I say the best solution is to get involved with new people or new activities. It's easy to get lonely when you are home alone in an empty, quiet house."</p>

<p>My daughter has actually articulated that aspect of college life, and now that she lives in an an apartment separate from her grad school, she has to be more pro-active about her social life. I also hear from her a lot more as well.</p>

<p>I also agree with much of what Faline2 says about working out a way for parents and kids to keep in touch that keeps the communication going without inducing guilt or making parents feel totally out of the loop. However, I do find that my son will call spontaneously not only if there is a problem, but if there is something good or exciting that happens that he is eager to share. </p>

<p>As for kids knowing how we're feeling, I try to avoid communicating that. I feel that my sense of loss would just present an unfair burden to him. I want him to experience that "fabulous fulfillment, stimulation and elation" that Faline2 so eloquently describes, without having to worry about me. And meanwhile, I have done the things Calmom recommends about working to expand the dimensions of my own life.</p>

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<p>thanks, Donemom.
I also ponder about what weenie brought up..whether our parents missed us. I found a little pile of letters typed on a manual typewriter by my father my early years at college although in my mind we had little contact. He tried to be very jolly in the letters and never reproached me. (I on the other hand have much more reluctance re letting go of contact with my son for longer spans of days with good grace. I do it but it is an act of will, and I have a much more honest and open "sixties-style" relationship with my son so the loss for me is greater when he breaks away. I know I will need to change my life focus with time to allow for our separation more and more.)<br>
I would also say that some of the rudeness we are kevetching about on this thread is evidence of children who were very attached/involved with their parents and are not sure how to break away gracefully. My son for instance guards most information about his friends and roommate like a hawk and seems to really need total privacy in his social life. I don't ask a lot of questions and although I am extroverted and highly social, I try to tone it down on Parents Weekends. The more I accepted a more backseat view of his new world, the more relaxed he became about sharing, and I think it may have to do with the fact that while he was growing up we live in an intimate town and he did not have any friends whose parents were strangers. All the families knew reams about each other. He doesn't want us in this new social fabric in the same old way.</p>

<p>I really enjoyed this thread and wonder if I will still be a bit at sea without my son in his Junior year..let's hope for progress for us all and courteous routines with our young adults with time. It is nice to see that other Moms have the same feelings. </p>

<p>I think it is rare for any young adult to want to keep up with parents on a casual basis throughout the week and perhaps is a goal that needs to be relinquished for most of us, although I certainly see some kids (with a little envy on my part) who are just open hearted and have zero problems with constant updates with parents and are not threatened in any way by little daily IMs or chats. </p>

<p>But for me, if I talked to my son every single day, it would just not be "enough information" if you know what I mean. It is me that has to change and regroup. So I have to learn to let go and celebrate our time together which has been pretty rich on all holidays so far. In the mean time, I intend to continue posting and reading your posts for perspective and comforts.
But I looked forward to the letters in the old days..everyone went to the mailboxes with anticipation and getting a card was a treat. It was a simpler time. One other thing that sticks out is that my parents and my husband's parents didn't even feel interested in how we got home for holidays and we caught rides with near strangers, got acquainted with every small town in the US on the Greyhound buses and moved ourselves around many times with zero parental assistance. If they thought we could share a ride, they wouldn't dream of spending the money on gas or a hotel to come fetch us. I was left by the side of the road halfway home more than once waiting for parents to come "part way" to some gas station or another where another student dumped me.
But in general, my parents did not feel there was any access to me, phones were only an occasional Sunday treat and it was easy to miss the call since a whole hall shared a phone and I recall my GFs and I felt some obligation to send them little update letters with emphasis on the positive. I can only think of a couple girls who would call home to cry or get support when things went awry with grades or romance..I felt that I always had to show strength and that a college education for a girl was a privilege. It is hard to realize this but Davidson and UVa were just admitting girls when I entered college, and no women in my family had a college education. I would never have blown off class or been rude to my parents who paid the bills. Fewer kids felt entitled in that way, IMHO. Even my parents were a bit awestruck about college and I think it is because they never experienced anything like it themselves...in my case my Dad had a military and engineering education but no one had every had four years to burn on a beautiful liberal arts campus (mine was Furman.) I viewed my education as a privilege and almost as a miracle opportunity.</p>

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<p>Things went quite well from the git-go for our son his freshman year and between classes, study, a few extra cirricular activites and socializing we rarely heard from him. Even though he had the ubiquitous cell phone, we did not talk more than once a week.</p>

<p>The funny thing was that the conversations were much better when he called walking back to the quad from classes rather than when he was ensconsed in his room. I think that is the way it works with boys.</p>

<p>Quite frankly we did not feel the urge to talk every day or every other day to go over the banalities of the day. Talking once a week allowed him to catch up with "big" news from home and take about how things were going in and out of class.</p>

<p>He is now a junior and we are still on the once per week plan and it has worked out fine. However in the move to signal his new independent life he moved off campus(just barely-3 blocks away) with a group of friend soph year and is now a NY resident.</p>

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<p>All, </p>

<p>My wife and I have read each and every response. It IS very helpful, and reassuring to read your thoughts. If nothing else, it is helpful to hear that others are going through (or have been through) the same situation. </p>

<p>A couple of responses to posts.</p>

<p>Yes, now that a couple of people have mentioned it, we would rather not hear from him very often (thought it saddens us at times), then to hear every day that he is unhappy and wants to come home. It does tell us that he is doing well, that he is busy, etc.</p>

<p>After the many posts about IM, we have mixed thoughts. He used to IM, a few years ago. We haven't seen him use it recently but he can easily download the software (if he doesn't already have it on his laptop). On the negative side, the last thing we want is for him to think that we are hovering (watching when he is online, when he signs on and off, what away-from-office messages he leaves). On the postive side, it does seem like an easy tool to have use for quick and painless chats. We will probably mention it to him, and go with his preference on IM. A couple that we know mentioned that they (and their college daughter) both have webcams, and that they are able to talk and see each other. We might mention that to him as well, and see what he thinks. </p>

<p>As i indicated earler, Email, for him, does not work. He is a very social animal, and loves to hang out with his friends. But for whatever reason, email is not his prefrred means of communicating. </p>

<p>We like the Weekly Call arrangement. We are planning to discuss it with him, setting up a day (or night) of the week that is convenient for him, wherein we can have a 10-20 minute "conversation". </p>

<p>I can't express enough how helpful it has been to read your responses. My wife has filled with tears, on a couple of different occasions, after reading some of the respones. (and i'm not too far behind her in that area. I guess when it comes to our kids, we are all big softies). </p>

<p>We expected to feel a lot of emotions when we helped move him into the dorm, especially when we had to leave. But, surprisingly, there was no crying at that time for anyone. (It probably helped to minimize the emotions, when we sensed his eagerness to get started. He hugged us, but we could tell that he was ready to start hanging out with his roomate, and others. It was like holding a dog on a leash at the beach, when they want to be let loose - so they can run). </p>

<p>It took a few weeks for things to really sink in. As more time goes by, and less phone calls occur (from him) the impact has heightened. It was really just this weekend, when it started to hit my wife and I pretty hard. So, again, your responses have been very helpful.</p>

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<p>I have talked with my mother about how she felt when I (the youngest) went off to college, and she said it hit her very hard. I can honestly say I had no idea! I give her credit for being able to keep me free of that. I do remember that we corresponded by letters, with phone calls kept to once every week or two. What a different world it was....</p>

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<p>originaloog: "The funny thing was that the conversations were much better when he called walking back to the quad from classes rather than when he was ensconsed in his room." This is so true. When I do have that rare cell phone conversation he is always walking somewhere --- and I can always hear that he is huffing and puffing -- Denison is hilly! Ha.</p>

<p>Helms2Lee: I remember last year, when my son was a freshman, that I missed him really badly the first few weeks -- and it seemed like it sort of peaked after a few weeks, and then, before I knew it, it was time for Parents Weekend. I liked your analogy to the dog on a leash at the beach!</p>

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<p>I know my mom missed us. There were 7 kids & all of a sudden, she had 3 of us away at college. She would write us long letters many times/week. I would call long-distance, but my dad was always nervous about the cost & would always abruptly end the call (even tho it was at my expense). </p>

<p>I was very happy in college for the most part & never told my parents any of the bad or difficult times until years later (I had a very trouble triangle going on for a while & also got mono at one point, complete with overnight in the Student Health Center & getting an incomplete because they wouldn't release me to go take my final). I didn't want them to worry, so I never told them until years later when everything had been resolved. In my mind then & now, what would be the point of telling them about things that were being properly handled & no one could do anything about?</p>

<p>I'm hoping that having S call at the time most convenient for him & when he's in a tolerant/"chattier" mood will result in more satisfying conversations than the monologues he's otherwise prone to. It worked well this week & I'm keeping my fingers crossed this is the beginning of better communications.</p>

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<p>I am positive my Mom missed me a lot. I'm the youngest of 3 (brother and sister 7 and 10 years older). My Dad died when I was 12. Brother and sister were out of the house by then so it was just Mom and me for the next 6 years. She cried the night before I left and I felt very guilty for leaving.<br>
The 18 year old part of me though couldn't wait to get there (boyfriend of over a year was already there) and felt it very unfair that she should be falling apart at what should be such a happy exciting time for me. </p>

<p>I have thought back to that night many times since my S left for college. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, I can understand her feelings completely. But remembering how I felt back then has caused me to bite my tongue more than once to give my S some space to have his big adventure without having to worry that Mom is falling apart.</p>

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<p>My daughter is still in HS, so I'll be rereading this thread next year. A good friend of mine, whose daughter just started college, said they are communicating primarily through text messaging on cellphones. My friend said it means she has to learn a whole new way of communicating.</p>

<p>I still vividly remember my freshman year. My mother was very very upset that I didn't call all the time and have lengthy conversations with her. I was having the time of my life, meeting new people and in challenging classes, and I wasn't the least bit homesick. This bothered my mother a lot. It resulted in a tremendous amount of tension between us. I know I called at least once a week and wrote letters, but that wasn't enough. I wasn't trying to hurt her intentionally -- but college really is an intense experience, crowded with new people, new ideas, new stimuli, and my emotional energy was concentrated on that. Our relationship never recovered from that tension the first year (there were other issues, too, and my mother has other problems). </p>

<p>Lastly -- when my husband is on a business trip, he rarely calls home. That used to bother me, but then I went on some trips of my own and realized how hard it is to fit in a telephone call when so much is happening. College -- especially the first few weeks -- is like an extended business trip. I'll bet it's hard to figure out when is a good time to call.</p>