<p>We dropped Lafson off at college yesterday (sniff sniff). During the freshmen parents' meeting, they strongly encouraged us to let our children take the lead on when and how often to call home, and not to pester them. But to wrap up,the parent coordinator told us a great story about a friend who wanted her son to call her.</p>
<p>It had been 2 or 3 weeks since she heard from her son. Emails and messages went unanswered. So she bought a card, and in it she wrote, "Dear Son, We haven't heard from you in a while, so I assume everything is going well. We are very proud of you and love you. Here's a check so you can take your new friends out for pizza." Then she mailed the card... but NOT the check.</p>
<p>Sure enough, 3 days later, the son called to let her know she forgot to include the check.</p>
<p>Mine is about to enter his 3rd year, and I think it may be time for me to resort to such tactics. Known as one of the Cone of Silence boys by some of us MOS (mothers of sons), he never (did I say NEVER?) calls just to talk.</p>
<p>IM is a good option. Have your kid upload it for you if you don't already have it. Keep it logged on. Do NOT always be the first one to start a chat. Some days, nothing will happen. But some days, the kid will ping you. Some of us treasure any teeny morsel of communication.</p>
<p>my son wrote for the newspaper - whenever I would see a by-line in the on-line edition, I would e-mail and tell himhow much I enjoyed the article because I knew that as of 11:00 PM the previous evening, he was still alive and well - that usually got an least an e-mail!!!</p>
<p>I avoid calling unless it's truly necessary because I always seem to interrupt something.</p>
<p>But neither of my kids seems to object to e-mail, and often my son (who is now in his last year of college), is the one who initiates the conversations. I'm not sure about my daughter yet. She's only been at college for a week, but so much has been going on during that week that there hasn't been a single day when we haven't communicated by e-mail (and she even called once to say that she was able to register for several classes she wanted -- she must have been away from her computer and couldn't wait to share the news).</p>
<p>MOS members- keep reminding yourself that "no news is good news", and bug him (it takes multiple attempts, starting with e-mails and escalating to cell phone messages to get a decision) when you need to know what time, of which day, you need to pick him up... Get his schedule so you can find out the final exam schedule online and predict when to think transportation... And don't put too much money into his account, needing funds gets them thinking of you.</p>
<p>Oh man - reading these posts is BRUTAL. I have a rising junior D. Is it really going to be like this? So, we pour our heart and souls into these kids and then wait for them to call? All of the parenting books I read to improve on my mom's performance still leaves me right back where she was? Man, reality bites. I am already seeing the change, though. Just this summer, for the first time, she just started to look predominantly outward from our home life (and she isn't looking back). Sniff, sniff.</p>
<p>In any case, the IM option is a good one. At least you can see when your S or D is online. You can also get them to add you as a friend on Facebook or Myspace - if they'd be willing. Then you can stick a picture of your face right in front of them whenever you want! :)</p>
<p>Here's the thing... Do what you want to do. </p>
<p>A suggestion, when you call especially with boys, keep it short. I often call my son for 5 to 10 minutes.. "Hey how's your day going?" A little chit chat and bye. Sorta like home. When your kids are home and busy, you get chat time for usually a few minutes on their way in and then out again. I just try to keep it as normal as it was. With us it's like he pops in the door, say hi and heads upstairs for homework. The only difference between then and now is he doesn't come down for dinner. Now, that's an extra call every so often.."whatcha doing for dinner?" ... "that sounds good." </p>
<p>I don't know works for me, little bits instead of big chunks of their time. Neither (S or D) seem to mind talking with Dad a few minutes a day. Keeps it normal I guess. Thank god for cell phones, email and national calling plans.</p>
<p>I don't know if it's a difference with boys and girls or not, as we have just the one ... a girl. She calls frequently and e-mails occasionally. Sometimes she calls just to say "hey" while walking across campus or she'll call to share interesting news. Our cell phone plan allows for the three of us (DH, DD and me) to talk free between our cell phones, so it makes it easy. OTOH, my sister has three children ... all boys. Two of them are in college and she is the one who calls them. I think she gets one or two grunts and a "goodbye" and that's about it.</p>
<p>My d is one of those independent sorts who doesn't call home, but will respond to text messages. She checks in fairly routinely with her bf, so I know if something is amiss, he will call us. But, dang it, I'd just like to hear her voice every once in a while...lol!</p>
<p>My kids are seniors and will graduate from univ. this December. We've yet to find an answer to this question. </p>
<p>Dd will sometimes call 3 times a week if she needs our help or has really big news to share. Other times, she'll go two weeks without calling before dh freaks and needs to be reassured that she's okay. </p>
<p>Ds has called an average of once a month, and at least half of those calls have been in response to our request that he phone us when he returns safely from a trip or has dealt with some problem (such as a traffic ticket.) We have a family plan, and the bills show that ds uses his share (or more) of the minutes calling friends. </p>
<p>When we call ds, he's usually playing WoW or about to go out and he rarely calls us back. For the past year, I've made a serious effort to limit my calls to him to 3 mins. max and have reduced emails in hopes that perhaps he will be more inclined to call when it's convenient for him. So far, no luck. </p>
<p>It's gotten worse over the years, and sometimes I wonder if we'll hear from ds once he's on his own. Dh gets more upset about the lack of communication than I do, at least these days. Ironically, he's horrible about staying in touch with his own parents and siblings. For years, I wrote letters, sent thank you notes, telephoned, etc. to maintain contact with his parents. But his father hates to talk on the phone & only rarely writes a one line note on a card. His mother hasn't been able to communicate with us for several yrs. due to Alzheimer's. With the exception of one sister who takes care of their parents (& who dh calls maybe once a month), he speaks with his other sibs no more than once a year. It makes me sad to think that we'll end up that way also, but I'm at a loss about what to do.</p>
<p>We ask that our D call once a week, on a Sunday perhaps. Turns out to be about twice a month. When she does call, she is usually walking somewhere, multi-tasking--plus it keeps phone calls to a certain length (Well, I'm here at the science building. Bye)</p>
<p>I didn't call my parents much when I went away from home. Guess what goes around comes around...</p>
<p>For some reason, my oldest calls quite a bit. Never talks for long, and it's always en route somewhere. I think he's just bored (he's a multitasking social butterfly) and wants someone (anyone!) to talk to.</p>
<p>On sure fire way to get them to call is when they need money.</p>
<p>We try to go to football games, at least two or three, per season at our kid's school (it's H's school too). We have a standing halftime meeting place within the stadium, and can always count on them being there, along with some other cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. They always ask for money ("hey, can I have a few bucks to get a frozen lemonade...").</p>
<p>Oh well, it's fun. Seems like from the age of 16 on they have a perennial position- hand out, palm up.</p>
<p>Yeah. D calls walking - interrupted by sounds of people saying Hello AluD! S does not call unless he has been ordered to do so, i.e. to do with airplanes. I IM him - he responds with one word. I asked him the other day if he was trying to break the record on fewest words used.</p>
<p>Answer? "Yeah".</p>
<p>On the other hand my mother has ceased to chat on the phone when she calls and now does the WASP version of the Italian grandmother.</p>
<p>"Hello?"
"Hi dear. It's mother."
"Hi mom, how are you."
"We want to see you dear, whenever you can come down."
"Um, well, I'm going to China next week."
"Oh that's nice. Come down after you go to China."
"Um, then I have to do XYZ."
"Well we want to see you. Maybe the next weekend. We miss you."
"Um, I will try mom."
"OK darling, we would love to see you. Bye bye. Love you."</p>
<p>What goes around comes around is right I guess.</p>
<p>jmmom, I'm with you. If I can get 3 minutes out of DS, that would be a miracle. I've resorted to IM, which is actually better. I certainly get more information out of him this way. DH tries email, but more often than not, does not get a response. </p>
<p>Does it get any better when they've graduated and are out on their own?</p>
<p>Had not heard from my S since July 30 when H and I made the trip to his college apartment(2.5 hours) to see him, take him out to lunch and hear about his overseas trip he had just returned from (the whole month of July).</p>
<p>Day before yesterday he calls (so that's like 3 weeks since we spoke to him last). I answer the phone...
me: hello
S: hey Mom, just thought I'd call to let you know I'm alive
me: How is everything?
S: Fine</p>
<p>After about 2 or 3 more minutes of scintillating conversation, he yells to some one else and then comes back on the line and say "Gotta go now. We have to pick up G. at the airport. He's flying in today from Chicago. Bye, Mom.</p>
<p>All in all a pretty typical conversation.</p>
<p>What a coincidence that it would be time to go to the airport four minutes into our conversation!</p>
<p>Third kid in college now and calls/emails regularly, often just to talk. Sweet.
It's my MOM that won't call. Or talk when I call. Dad never would and won't now either. They're frail elderly, thousands of miles away, and the two of them live alone. Nobody is checking on them (unlike my kids, who have friends). No IM. No emails. No computer.
I stalk them. I get email alerts when one of them pays a bill or goes to the bank. I scan their phone calls (I get the bill). I call their doctor's secretary to see if they've been there lately. This is really, really creepy.</p>
<p>I have two friends with daughters that called every day. Sometimes that was several times a day. One came home after one semester. The other has been at school a week and is angling to come home. So I'm thinking if I don't hear anything thats good.</p>