<p>We don't hear much from our older son - more from the younger. It is difficult. Felt like I was mourning for about 6 weeks after my oldest left. The younger is easier only because he is going to school in our town - so we see him more often. Anyway -- what I remember about being in college myself is that I didn't miss my parents AT ALL. Why would I? I was having the time of my life! Also, back then, there was no such thing as email or cell phones -- and long distance phone calls were expensive enough that we didn't call often or talk long. Remember letters?</p>
<p>I felt slightly guilty in college because I wasn't homesick (my brother & sister were). I had a great time, but did keep in touch via letters & phone calls as often as I dared (my dad thought it was very extravagant & didn't like me calling unless there was a BIG reason).
I think it will be tougher when our D is off at college (she's still a junior in HS now). She shares more with us--S was always more private anyway, so honstly we haven't "mourned." We just like to hear that he's out & about & feeling fine (he has some chronic health issues, which is the only reason we are curious about this current health at all).</p>
<p>D called a lot more when she first arrived last year, then got very busy, and didn't call as much. I realize she was adjusting. After a while, the phone calls got more frequent - not every day, however, but a couple times a week. I found that it was easier to e-mail, because she could respond whenever she had time. Funny, sophomore year, and I have had more phone calls already, along with e-mails. Next year, I know it will be less calls and more e-mails because she will be doing Study Abroad. When I went to college, calling long distance was a big deal, and parents used the watts line at work, so every Sunday, I was at the one phone in our dorm to receive their call. Things are definitely better now with e-mail and cell phones! But this is a rite of passage, as the child starts to detach and grow into his/her own. It's tough on us, but I get the weekly call about a TV show we both watch. Find something like that to start the phone process, and it will lead to other discussions, as well.</p>
<p>ejr1 - if she will be in a country with good internet access, try Skype. She can call as often as she does now for free.</p>
<p>I agree that email works best for us with our freshman S. However, he mentioned that he has at least 15 messages a day from professors with class info, other students trying to re-sell textbooks, the intramural department updates, etc. Now that I know that, I understand why he doesn't usually reply the same day.</p>
<p>Wow, 15 messages a day from pros, other students, sports & everything else! That sure is a lot! My S doesn't respond to our e-mails but because he eventually mentions the contents when we speak, I know he at least reads them. Main thing is there is communication, even if it isn't quite what we're used to.</p>
<p>This thread has focused on the parents' gratification. My H & I didn't make any specific arrangements for communication with our D because I didn't want to seem 'clingy'. And there hasn't been much! However, after reading this thread, I plan to arrange for her to call us every week, not only because I feel my clinginess 'validated' :-), but it made me think of something else. This is a good time to teach your kids responsibility for maintaining their long-distance relationships in general. It comes by some people naturally (but none of them are in our family :-( ). </p>
<p>Also my H reminded me that at orientation, the school told us that regularly scheduled communication (at least at first) was a good idea to help parents pick up on developing problems before they get big. Another good point. </p>
<p>So we can have our clinginess and eat it too! (or something like that..)</p>
<p>I appreciate the many many posts. Each one has been read by my wife and I, and i really appreicate them all.</p>
<p>An additional factor (not yet addressed) that i think is VERY important to add to the discussion. It was while we (my wife, my son, and I) were at Orientation, that it was brought to our attention by USC staff, that is IS very important to "stay in contact" with your sons and daughters. They (staff) were the ones who encouraged communication of at least once per week. They gave several reasons. </p>
<p>First, if you have not heard from your student, you can not always assume that everything is OK. You can not expect that others will be checking in your son or daughter - simply because you have not heard from them. Though it is rare, and unfortunate, there are occasions when people go missing. They (staff) indicated that it is better to pursue status/whereabouts of a student earlier - rather than later.</p>
<p>Second, college students commonly go through a multitude of issues (often new issues). New friends, new lifestyles, new eating habits, new boyfriends/girlfriends, new processes at school, and new problems. Their point was that it not unusual for some students to encounter new stress, and sometimes get depressed. (Part of the reason that the school has a fulltime 7/24 counseling center). They communicated the importance of not wanting a depressed student to go too long without contact with someone.</p>
<p>Those were the two main reasons. They listed others reasons, but i think those listed above are enough to stress the importance of "some type of regular contact being very important".</p>
<p>Feedback? Did others hear the same at Orientation? </p>
<p>P.S. I did not bring up the above info with the intent of causing any panic. I do not (and I am sure that USC staff would not) suggest that everyone immediatley contact their sons and daughters. Probably 99.5% of the time, our sons and daughters are fine, and we need to give them some space, and allow them to grow. However, if we follow the recommendation of many, and set up a once/week phone call, then maybe we will solve a multitude of issues and concerns. We will have the contact with them (so we will feel better). We will have some contact with them (to insure they are ok). At, with it being minimal (ex: once or twice per week), then it will give them the room to grow (which they need). </p>
<p>Make sense?</p>
<p>Thanks</p>
<p>A kid's perspective: I will be entering college in a few days (quarter system--we start so late!), and it's interesting for me to read this thread because I'm obviously from the other side of the coin. I'm the oldest of four kids, and I've always been the type of daughter who comes home from school and gives a humorous narrative of my day. I love talking to both of my parents (and my siblings), even more than talking to some of my friends, and this has always been natural for me.</p>
<p>However, when I went to a summer program last year, I was careful only to call my family every so often, even though I enjoyed talking to them. One: I didn't want them to interpret every call as homesickness (because I wasn't homesick; I was having a great time), Two: I felt left out when they talked all about everything that was happening at home, Three: I felt guilty when they said how much they missed me.</p>
<p>When I go to college in a few days, I can imagine feeling the same way. My parents are used to talking to me a lot, but I don't think I'll want to talk more than once a week or so. I'll be busy, and I think it's very important, that although I love my family so much and love hearing from them, that I make the kind of friends who can stand in for my family (as I'll be around friends, and not family, for the majority of the year.) In order to do this, I can't always be holing up in my room to talk to my family.</p>
<p>One last thing: It is different to be away from your family and talk to them. It's not as natural as a conversation at home. You worry that they'll take you too literally. I was afraid to complain about anything, lest they fear I was miserable. I also had to continually reassure them that I was "having fun," that I was healthy, that I was okay...At home, they could see all of these things, and they didn't need me to verbalize them. It's awkward to verbalize these things. It's awkward to be sitting in a dorm with your roommate having a conversation along the lines of, "Of course she's nice! We get along great! Yeah, she's here right now, actually (hint, hint)"</p>
<p>So, basically, just because your kids aren't calling or sound more hurried or vague when they do call, it doesn't mean they don't miss you. It might mean they miss you a lot. They just realize that they're in a new world now, and they're trying to embrace it and participate fully in college. They might look forward to talking to you face to face, but they might feel "forced" during phone conversations to convey so many things at once. </p>
<p>As for the depression and stuff ^, I wouldn't try to actively discern your kid's mental state from a phone call. Prying questions would get annoying. But just try to have regular conversations, and you'll probably pick up on anything that's amiss.</p>
<p>I do a lot of work at my computer, so what worked for our family was to keep AIM on - if my son or daughter wanted to jot a quick line, then that was fine. I try not to initiate the IM (unless there's something that they really need to know immediately). If a longer "conversation" is necessary, one or the other will ask if it's a good time for a phone call. </p>
<p>Our students are more "into" IM-ing, and the phone doesn't seem to be as popular (at least as far as my DS is concerned). It doesn't make a difference to me how we communicate, as long as we respect each other's "space" and independence.</p>
<p>On a humorous note, my son says that although snail mail is "a thing of the past," all students LOVE to find letters on packages in their mail boxes! I like to send along news clippings from home, funny cartoons, funny pictures, etc.</p>
<p>I've been reading all these posts... and... as a 1st time college mom.... I think I'd be devasted if my kid only wanted to call me once a week! I'm almost 46, married 20 years with 2 kids, and I certainly call my parents more than once a week.... as a matter of fact, I speak or IM or email them daily. Occassionally we miss a day, but, ok, we check in often. Is that so horrible? I also speak to my sister daily. Is that "not normal?" Maybe. And I'm not going to say that every day I speak to my parents, I'm excited about it... sometimes, I wish I didn't feel the obligation to... but they're my parents. When I was in college we spoke several times a week.<br>
A good friend asked me a few years ago, why I speak to my sister every day.... and the only answer I came up with was, I speak to you every day... and she's my SISTER!<br>
Well, its kind of the same thing now that my kid is in college. I don't mean to say that we should have these lengthly heart to heart talks every day... nor do I need to know, or feel I should know, exactly what he's doing every moment.... but, a quick phone call, or a 10 minute IM chat, isn't so terrible. He's been checking in with me, mostly to ask me to do favors for him, wrap up some stuff here.... but a quick IM to tell me how his class was, or that his Prof. was impressed with something he said/did... keeps us connected. Truthfully, I'm glad he feels he can talk to me, and that I'm not the enemy, or someone he has to hide things from. I'm his mom. I want him to know that I'm on his side, now that he's becomming an adult, just as I've been on his side all along. And I'm still interested in what he's doing. It's my job to continue parenting him, just in a different way, from a distance now.<br>
I'm determined not to be afraid to contact him, via computer or phone, if I want to know what's going on in his life. It's college, not an endurance test in separation.</p>
<p>Nymom, that sounds a lot like us. We talk constantly, several times each day even. However, when D first went to college, through much of first semester and even the early part of second semester, it wasn't like that - it was more like what the OP is experiencing now. </p>
<p>The one difference is that I do use IM but a totally different software than hers - at first I had the same (AOL?), but, early freshman year, I found that I did not like knowing when she was online, especially if it meant that she was online, and that she could see that I was online also, and she was choosing not to reach out to me. I also felt like I was stalking her electonically, so, I deleted my AOL, and began to use Skype (love the features). I preferred not knowing what she was doing; I like it better when the information comes because she wants to include me. Probably isn't appropriate for everyone but in our case, it seemed to me at the time that the best thing to do was to "stand still", and let her come to me. It kept me saner, etc. </p>
<p>Now, four years later, she calls constantly, and is begging me to get on the same IM platform so we can chat all the time. As soon as I get a minute, I'm going to do exactly that. So I think the separation is something sons and daughters need to go through at first; then, the relationship springs back to normal levels of communication.</p>
<p>Latetoschool....I agree with the AIM thing. He's using AIM most of the time, I use AOL.... and it's definitely a lesson in self-control... not to IM him every time I see him on. I check his comings & goings frequently, but, he doesn't really use his IM as a message board, the way a lot of college kids do. Like right now, he's completely signed off. Last night, he was at a "House" party, watching "House" on tv.... and the IM said so. I try to let him come to me.... but, if I haven't heard anything by this time of day, I'll usually do a quick "how were your classes"? But we've been sending him packages (last minute items), so he tells me when he gets them.... stuff like that.</p>
<p>But I have to tell you, I'm reading this board, and I'm finding out that most families don't speak as often as mine does... is that really weird? I even call my 5 yo nephew now that he started kindergarten to see how his day is going.... it just seems to natural.... maybe we're strange.....</p>
<p>As Countingdown mentioned (and maybe others have too.....I only read the first page of posts...) they seem much more talkative when they are alone and there isn't a room full of people. Because as you know, college kids aren't much different from high school kids.....none of them have parents ;) . Or at least, none of them want to admit that they do.</p>
<p>For my kids, it seemed important to them to feel some greater independence and sense of being separate. I think it's different for us as adults, as far as how often we might speak to our parents, since we've presumably gone through that developmental phase that the kids may need to go through now. The best advice I can give is let your kid initiate the contacts. At this important juncture, I think, our interactions should be more about their needs than ours. (That being said, I think that it is not unreasonable to expect them to keep in touch at least once a week).</p>
<p>My kids both eventually blocked us on AIM but I admit I ran to the computer whenever my husband said they were on. :)</p>
<p>old person question:</p>
<p>pls explain blocking on AIM!</p>
<p>Thanks.</p>
<p>You can customize AIM (Instant Messaging software) to block (or refuse) conversations. Anyone added to the blocklist, will never be seen again to the person that you are trying to "chat" with (unless you un-block them)..</p>
<p>Interesting - my son did NOT want us on his IM buddy lists. He was an IMer in high school - only with his friends. I also thought it might be a bit invasive for us to join when he went to college. Plus I don't think I could stand the pain of being blocked!! He now uses Facebook most of the time anyway - and we have nothing to do with that. He responds to SOME emails and I know from our calls that he reads them. That's enough for us. Hope he keeps it up!</p>
<p>Thanks, lovetocamp.</p>
<p>Would the blocker then be "invisible" to the blockee?</p>
<p>Just wondering-- hope to never be sufficiently obnoxious to earn the above!</p>