Yes that is how it worked for my D and SIL.
Most of the people who used the online site to give a cash gift did not attend the wedding.
We recently gifted a bride & groom dinner for two and breakfast in bed on their honeymoon. It was listed on their registry and easy to click on and buy. They knew exactly what we gave them and thanked us specifically for it in their thank you note (which I received shortly after I made the purchase and before the wedding even took place).
In the age of online registries, I think the “no boxed gifts” is just an attempt to steer guests to buy through the registries and send directly to the couple. It’s a pain for someone to have to be a gift wrangler at the event, and as a guest, I am happy not to have to drag a gift box to the wedding and locate the gift table.
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Yes, “gift wrangler” chores after a reception can be a pain, especially if there are various locations involved for couple and family.
Don’t the etiquette rules say no gifts (versus money) at the wedding? If buying an actual gift, have it sent directly to the couple either before or after the event?
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I for one give cash at the event or send a gift from the registry in advance. But I have been to some weddings where there is a gift table with boxes piled up.
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It really is hard. We went to a wedding where people’s kids were invited and no one brought their kids…so even if you do include kids they may not end up coming. I think people need to do what is best for them and their budget. And if you’re a guest at the wedding, it’s not up to you to decide…
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At my niece’s recent wedding, there was a see-through collection box with cash in it. I saw some twenties but probably some lower denominations as well. Finger food, like off trays you’d get at Sam’s, with no forks. Plenty of soda cans, water bottles and canisters of sweet/unsweet tea. The sweet tea ran out near the end.
But who writes the “etiquette rules,” and who says you are bound by them?
I think it really depends on the wedding. My daughter’s friend got married very young. No one could attend the service (LDS). The reception was at the Ward Hall, and most people were local. There was a big table for gifts. She only lived about 2 miles from the reception site. NBD to bring gifts to the reception but we had bought off the Amazon registry so just had the gift sent to her home. It was not an elaborate amount, but since the reception was just finger food and no alcohol, it was much more the ‘cover the (3) plate’ amount and what we wanted to spend.
Another friend got married in Las Vegas, so there were no gifts brought to the wedding.
My other daughter tends to give cash. She’s been to destination weddings where of course physical gifts would be hard to tote there and tote home. Her boyfriend is going to a wedding this weekend and I’m sure it will be a cash gift. However, I think it will be the same amount as if both attended the wedding so more than ‘cover the plate’ of one plate. I think they give the same amount to all their friends, and don’t base it on how elaborate the wedding is, and some have been QUITE elaborate. They are invited to a wedding in the Dominican Republic next year and the hotel rooms are $600/night, the wedding takes place over 3 days, and I’m sure the per person charge to the couple is in the thousands range. I don’t think they will be covering their plates or in this case, multiple plates over multiple days.
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I agree!
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I just wrote a say it here post on this exact thing!
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Yes I specifically asked if the couple/attendants if they wanted the gift to be delivered somewhere before the wedding (all 3 weddings) - and they all wanted them brought to the venue. The first wedding had about a dozen gift packages and lots of cards/cash; the second had a few gift packages and fair amount of cards/cash. The Boston wedding, our package was the only one, and lots of cards/cash. All had over 150 in attendance and full dinner/dance receptions. Understandable that most traveled into Boston with bringing minimal extra stuff. We just drove to all 3 out of state weddings so were able to put together a gift package along with gifting with money.
We have received TY notes that are very generic (thank you for your gift for our wedding celebration); others have taken the time to thank us for our specific gift.
I do think young couples that are all ‘in’ on the celebration/wedding event kind of lose gas with after thoughtfulness. We gifted money to one couple (DD was in the wedding but we were not invited - and no problem with that, we just wanted to send a card and check) and received a TY note more than a year later. Yes check was cashed very quickly.
They often do not have a book - mine is “Wedding Memories” and has a section “Wedding Guests”. It did have a wedding shower section so I have attendees and gifts listed from that. Many do not have a wedding program (they often detail their attendees’ information on the wedding web site used like the knot) - all 3 couples did use the knot.
I had to bug bug bug my DD to get their TY notes out (SIL is even more of a procrastinator). They had a baby on the way by the time they had their delayed honeymoon, and thankfully they did have them out before we became extremely embarrassed for them.
DD2 has been thinking about her wedding as she believes her BF is ‘the one’. I am sure she will plan to do a lot w/o any input from her dad and me. I suspect geographically being close to BF’s family they will be more involved with planning or knowing about the planning.
Who says I should respect other people?
Who says I should be kind to others?
Who says I should help other people when I am able and be appreciative of those who help me?
Who says I should write thank you notes for gifts I receive?
Who says I shouldn’t show up to a wedding in torn and dirty daisy duke shorts and a halter top with holes in it?
Rules of etiquette develop and evolve over time. Some are more accepted than others. They can vary in different parts of the country. They don’t just apply to weddings but to every day life.
No one says anyone has to follow them. They are not laws. There is no etiquette police who will fine you or take you to jail for not following them.
At one point, Miss Manners was very popular. Not sure if that is still the case.
You can find others. Here is one from Good Housekeeping for weddings (slide 9 talks about gifts at the wedding):
Again, no one is bound by any such rules.
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Well, yes some etiquette is essential. We sent a wedding gift off the registry for a wedding we were unable to attend. And we never heard anything. I’m not fanatic, but it would’ve been nice to know that they at least received the gift…
I get that people are busy, but it’s not that hard to send a thank you note. If you can take the time to throw a wedding…
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Maybe the bride and groom are in the “who writes the etiquette rules and who says we are bound by them” camp. 
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Very true. I do think some “etiquette rules” are up for interpretation. The “pay for your plate” is a perfect example. It’s not up to the customers to pay for their plate. Guests should give what they can afford. And the couple should throw a wedding they can afford. They should not count on the guests to cover the cost.
As for the no packages, no wrapping rule. I think that’s totally fine. Wrapping and packaging just creates waste and makes it hard to transport gifts. Totally up to the couple.
Not having a registry is totally fine. Why have a registry if there is nothing you want or need? If there is no registry, people will just give cash or something they think the couple will like.
Asking for cash and/or having a honeymoon gift fund. I don’t think it’s ok to flat out ask for cash. But, I think setting up a honeymoon registry or honeymoon fund is fine.
That said, I do think writing thank you notes (that aren’t just generic), showing appreciation to those who helped you, respecting the wedding dress code, and being respectful to other people are basic courtesy. Those rules are NOT up for interpretation.
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Emily Post. Miss Manners. Pick one. There are plenty of etiquette books. All made up (or rather curated) over years. Well worth reading even if you don’t subscribe to everything.
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I think the not bringing gifts to the reception is more along the rules like “don’t wear white after Labor day.” Okay to have guidelines, but are you going to throw out a guest who shows up wearing the wrong (according to you) color? Where I grew up (long before the days of Amazon and even department store delivery to our town (long way from any department stores), people brought the gifts to the wedding. Sometimes stores would gather them for the couple and make one big delivery. I like to give a more personal gift so often it isn’t on the registry and more often than not, I lugged it along to the wedding.
If the hosts don’t want you to bring gifts to the wedding, they should say ‘No gifts please’ on the invitation or on The Knot or other website. Some will interpret that to mean NO gifts and they might not get a cash gift either. If you are going to follow the etiquette books, you must follow them all, and they say you should not mention gifts, where you are registered, ask for cash only, etc.
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I think in most cases , you do the couple a big kindness by not bringing gifts to their wedding. At my son’s recent wedding, I didn’t even see any table for gifts. They had enough things to transport in their cars after the wedding without also having to worry about boxes of gifts that could have been sent either before or after the wedding. They had an online registry with gifts of various prices (the majority of which were purchased) that also included a honeymoon fund.
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Thank goodness our kid’s wedding was local to us…and our neighbors were there. Those wonderful neighbors shuttled gifts, flowers, and other things that belonged to us back to our house. We were staying at the hotel for the night so we could host the brunch in the morning.
We had someone assigned to watching the gift table…and everything was moved into the dining room once the reception started.
For us, it was fine.
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We gifted my husband’s money for the honeymoon, we didn’t even attend the wedding. We figured it would have cost us a lot more money to attend in person, this was almost 10 years ago, we gave her £500, we were still working so we couldn’t afford to be more generous.
My recently married niece never cashed our check, nor did she cash my other brother’s check either, it’s probably peanuts compare to what her husband and her make per year. Who knows I don’t really care.