One of my son’s just got married last Saturday. Both families contributed money but the couple paid the majority of the cost. The guests were primarily their friends. It was an expensive wedding, so glad they were paying for most of it!
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Good point about registries. When I used my niece’s registry, I skipped over the items where “multiples” were wanted (place settings, stem ware, etc.). I thought if I got the “one off” set of bougie sauce pans, that they would remember who got them :). (As it turned out, I think they just reversed the gift and got the cash because I checked just now and I saw that they registered for yet another set (another brand, another store, that were about $50 more, lol).)
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My sister’s co=workers all went in together and bought her the flatware set she registered for, and she does think of them when she uses them at holidays. It’s been 30+ years (and a whole husband ago).
I was working with a woman who registered for some fancier everyday china, and when we went to buy something off her register, EVERY single thing was already purchased. We still went in together and bought all the matching pieces for the china (veggie dishes, gravy boat) and I hope she remembers us! We got a really good deal on them because a co-worker’s wife used her employee discount, there was a sale, coupons, etc. so she got a LOT of pieces.
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I’ve only been to two weddings in the last 20 years where the parents paid for everything. At least that I know of. Both families were wealthy. One family owns three car dealerships and the other the father is a CEO. The other weddings I’ve been to the bride and groom paid for part or all of the wedding. D’s friend’s dad (I didn’t attend) paid for her wedding, but it was a small wedding with only about 20 people, so he basically just took a lot of people out to dinner. We have never given an amount to cover the plate at a wedding. Doesn’t matter who is paying. We either select something from the registry or just give a check. How much we spend or how much we give is dependent on how close we are to the bride and groom. If they need help covering the wedding, that’s not my problem. It’s not the responsibility of wedding guests to cover their attendance. And a poor couple who scrimped and saved for a wedding in the church basement should get less than a couple who has a huge over-the-top wedding at the Four Seasons where money is no object? That seems wrong.
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That’s what we’ll do when our kids get married. We will do what we can afford. I don’t expect guests to cover their plate with their gift. And I don’t expect people to give based on what we gave to them for their weddings. It’s a wedding, not royalty marrying in the olden days so their countries can form an alliance.
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My reasoning is basically that we don’t want to be less generous to friends/family than people were to our kids. It isn’t a contest by any means – it just feels right to us. There was no gift given that we can’t very comfortably afford to reciprocate.
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Good point! Now that my kids are adults, they can give their own gifts, though for some weddings lately they went halfsies with us.
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Yeah, MN here and I’ve never heard of paying for your plate. In fact your gift is your business, so long as you accept the fact that there will be some gossip about any impossibly cheap or extravagant outliers.
You can express yourself a bit if you know the couple. Years ago I gave a co-worker three identical cheap toasters and the gift receipt. I gave another guy who needed the money a set of $20,10,5,2,1 bills when $38 was a decent gift. It was the sort of thing he’d notice, and later he said he used it for tips and taxis to get to the honeymoon spot.
But generally these days all we go to are family weddings, and everyone knows exactly what is needed, where they live, etc. But there’s no way most of us are writing multi-hundred dollar checks for cousins or nephews. My generation of our families doesn’t spend like that, for the most part.
Oh, and the best wedding we ever attended was for a very well-to-do family, one of my wife’s old college roomies. It was held at the Holiday Inn in the small northern MN mining town she grew up in about three hours from the cities. It was far enough away that everyone traveled, but it was cheap and laid back enough that everyone had fun and stayed out late. A perfect mix.
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“No boxed gifts please”. Although understand maybe thoughts behind it, but it almost screams ‘cash gifts only’ and really skirting on etiquette. If it is a destination wedding, or wedding location differing from maybe very tiny apartment/no room for traditional wedding gifts. Many communicate through family/friends - or people ask the parents or couple if they don’t know.
Many people traveling in via airplane typically won’t give a very large boxed gift; often gift of money.
I am kind of surprised people are unaware of wedding costs - nor of appropriate gifting. Agree that many young adults that come to a wedding don’t have the resources but can give something meaningful/thoughtful.
Two nieces had ‘no children’/adult only weddings - however one niece had very young flower girl and ring bearer that was best man/brother of groom’s two children flying in from far away. Invitations were only to adults, and only had plus one for fiancé or people living together, otherwise was Mr and Mrs or just the single person name.
Many young adults are excluding children altogether at a wedding so they have the adult type function they desire.
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I know some parents who don’t bring their kids to weddings even if they are invited. Some parents just want to have a kids free night out.
The no boxed gifts thing doesn’t have to do with wanting cash. It’s just to cut down on waste and trash. At least that’s what I’ve heard.
We just give what we can afford. It’s not my obligation to cover my plate.
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Maybe a gift card to a nice restaurant or say, Williams Sonoma? A nice potted plant. Do they like to cook? Maybe a nice cookbook? Or a gift card for an experience? Or just a nice card? We went to a luncheon to celebrate a second wedding and they requested no gifts.
True, but maybe the couple doesn’t want anything. It’s not that hard to give a check.
My D and her bf attended the wedding last month of D’s high school best friend. The bride and groom do not need anything so their wedding registry had experience things you could get them for their 3 week honeymoon through France. D and her bf gifted them a dinner they asked for in Paris. I think this is an awesome thing to do!
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The trouble is that most sites with “experiences” to gift take a good chunk of the cash spent. Better to just give cash and let the couple figure it out.
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@gouf78 - the kids may have just given cash and specified that it was for the dinner. I still really like the idea.
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Dancing with children at my wedding was one of my favorite memories from our reception!
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My son’s wedding was last month. No kids. 115 people, most in their 30’s (only about 18 of us were older than that-family and parent friends). Many of their friends have young children or are currently expecting. It was an expensive venue and a pretty adult atmosphere. Their friends made arrangements for their children (and many couples came from out of town) and were able to dance all night and let loose! I don’t think there’s any right or wrong with that issue. It’s definitely tricky!
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Re: honeymoon funds/gifts of events on honeymoon. One person I knew had a way you could pay for part of a gift. I don’t know if they tracked how much each person paid or not, but I thought it was a nice idea.
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From what I’ve heard, the money just Giles to the couple, minus the fee to the company, and they can spend it on whatever they want.
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