So while searching for the title to our 2007 odyssey (to give to the mechanic, it’s toast) I found the spreadsheet my dad made of our wedding gifts.
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We made a spreadsheet of our 1986 wedding gifts. It’s no longer in any readable format but we printed it out. We are still friends with many of the attendees b
We logged everything in our Wedding Planner (likely received when we registered). At the time, I added up the totals on another page, subtracted items we bought with the gift money (including an expensive for the time video camera), and shows the amount remaining. I also have all my Mom’s paperwork/receipts. The cash gifts were about 27% of the hotel estimate, and that doesn’t include flowers, photographer, etc. It was not in any way a consideration for us.
(The $300 check was from an aunt and uncle.)
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I had one of those books but I have zero idea what happened to it. It disappeared in one of our many moves.
We even forgot to open a wedding gift, my husband best friend gave him a nice espresso coffee maker, something we asked for, but I guess we were busy so we never opened it. Recently we cleaned up the garage and donated to my daughters business partner, he opened the gift and still had a card about the wedding,lol.
When my husbands best friend asked us recently about it, my husband has to fudge an answer, but we were busy when we were working. Same for one of my friend’s gift, she gave me a very expensive gift and I didn’t get to open it, by the time I did in retirement, it’s so confusing to use it, I like a simpler life, I gave it away. I know it’s embarrassing to admit this.
We kept a log of gifts. Our parents wanted to check what they were giving for weddings to adjust their gifts if needed. Kept the note book with cards we received. Ran across that box a year or so ago cleaning out a closet. Some of the cards were pretty funny several decades later. Took pics of several of them, kept a smaller number for keepsake purposes and tossed the rest.
The idea of checking to see what other people gift so you know how to adjust seems odd to me. I remember a friend of mine (in the 80’s) saying her mother-in-law expected to get a toaster back for every toaster she ever gave or something like that, so she wanted to know exactly what she got from each of her (MIL’s) friends. We just give what we give, primarily based on how close we are to the couple.
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My friend went to something like 14 weddings one season, and that meant 14 bridal showers and, yes, 14 salad spinners. She said the woman at the department store would just grab one from the stack when she approached the counter.
She expected to get at least that many for her own wedding shower - although she was many years older when she got married and most of her friends had real jobs and made more money so the quality of the gifts had gone way up.
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I think the checking would be to be sure you don’t under or over gift someone. Like if that distant rarely seen nephew gets married, and that family had spent $100, perhaps you would not choose to spend $1000 because the other family might feel weird about it.
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My MIL demanded that we make and keep a list for that same reason, and she consulted it every time she had a wedding to go to. Apparently, it wasn’t an unusual practice among her friends. I’ll never forget having a casual conversation with one of them prior to my wedding and her saying “Now, your future mother-in-law gave my daughter $XXX, so that’s what I’ll be giving you.”
I guess I’m guilty of doing the same thing because when I’m invited to my daughter’s friends’ weddings, I do casually ask my daughter what the parents gave her for her wedding (and sometimes for a shower gift too). If she doesn’t recall off the top of her head, I don’t press her about it, or make her keep a list for me. I don’t try to match anything dollar for dollar, but it is helpful to have an idea.
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How much we spend depends on how close we are to couple, if we’re going to be attending the wedding or not, what we can afford, etc.
I don’t do the pay for your plate thing. My cousin’s granddaughter got married and they had a tiny, inexpensive wedding (that’s all they could afford), I’m not going to give her less because her wedding cost way less, and I’m sure they could use the money. And why should a couple who is very wealthy get more? Or what if their parents paid?
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When did wedding expenses get so out of control, for both guests and the hosts? I recently attended a wedding that cost more than my kid’s private 4 year college education. It was lovely, but really, for one day’s event, this seems absurd. As a guest I had to fly there, spend 2 nights in a hotel, rent a car-attending this event was expensive even before the gift cost was added. I am grateful I didnt have to attend the bridal shower or Bachelorette party. Plus the couple had lived together for 5 years, so nothing in their daily life really changed after the wedding
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Where I live it’s been like this forever, I blame social media for spreading traditions. To be honest, I’m hoping it works in my favor and my kids see that weddings don’t need to be lavish events. My oldest is 26 and only has one married friend who got married last month. Most of my friends didn’t get married until they were in their 30’s, which I think is smart (I was 28 but had been dating my husband to be for over 5 years).
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I am encouraging eloping.
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If you don’t want to spend the $ there’s always the choice of not attending. When the pandemic hit it made me so sad to not be able to attend these happy occasions.
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I was thinking more of the 20-somethings who are asked to spend thousands of dollars to attend all their college friends’ weddings. I already am choosy in selecting which weddings to accept; I just envy those in a prior generation who attended weddings which were local and less ostentatious affairs.
With the high prices of rent and servicing student debt for many gen Z, I can’t help but think this trend doesn’t make a lot of sense for most, but occurs anyway.
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Weddings now are also not just one day. Went to one over the weekend with a welcome reception on Friday night, wedding and reception on Saturday and a brunch Sunday morning. There were a lot of young adults there.
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We are hosting welcome drinks the night before. It’s not an easy travel destination for my family and friends and we can’t invite them all to the rehearsal dinner, so we thought welcome drinks after the rehearsal dinner would be a nice gesture for the efforts our family and friends make to join us.
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Agree!
D was a bridesmaid a few weeks ago. Had to fly in for bachelorette party and then for wedding. Will be a bridesmaid again early next year, with another one “gig” likely. That plus being invited to several weddings (they come in bunches at this time in her life) is wrecking havoc with her budget as a grad student. She was recently invited to 2 showers (bridal and a couples) and asked about the gift etiquette. Very hard for her to snub friends. W’s very practical suggestion was to set an overall budget and allocate between the wedding gift and the pre gifts.
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There was also a welcome party after the rehearsal dinner at son’s wedding earlier this year. I think that’s pretty common these days with lots of people traveling a distance to a wedding.
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