Now that my kids are over 21, when we are all invited, I give a gift from my husband and I, and then I have my kids send their own gift (in some circumstances, I have fronted the money, but have had my kids order the gift and send it themselves). Common for a niece/nephew in my area I’d do about $400 for us as a couple ($300 for a friend’s kid). Then I think $75-$100 per person for my kids. So a niece would get $400 from us and then $150 from my kids. If a significant other was invited, I guess it’d add up to $225 from the kids then. They have not been asked to include a significant other yet, but then I’d have my kid tack on an extra $75 for his significant other. Most recent weddings had registries that were sort of really like cash (ie chip in for honeymoon fund or something similar). It seems more fun to masquerade as a “gift” even though really it’s just cash
I do think there’s a point when your kids are not under your gift. Perhaps the cutoff is when they graduate from college? And if they don’t go to college, maybe around age 20 or when they move out?
I fully believe no one should pay more than they can afford, of course. I also don’t really believe in this “pay your plate”. Does that mean a rich couple who has wedding at the Ritz gets more expensive present, and poorer friend (who can probably use a pricier gift more ) hosting a less expensive wedding at a banquet hall gets cheaper gift? I don’t like that. But I guess it’s useful to have general knowldege that perhaps the couple is spending $100-$300 per person, that may be interesting to think about.
Hopefully all of us have friends and family who are gracious and grateful and accepting of whatever makes sense to us!!
The three current weddings we will be gifting don’t have a gift/item registry. It’s all money gifting. But the couples, while recent college grads, are young professionals and already have a vitamix and all the towels they need. So money is for trip, home purchase/improvement etc.
I didn’t know the dollar dance was still a thing anywhere. There’s some hilarious stand up comedy on that. But to each their own!
I’d never heard of “pay your plate,” and this discussion is interesting to a Jersey girl who hasn’t lived in the States in a long time. Here in Japan, we have a kind of reverse phenomenon. First of all, there are no registries, all guests give cash to the bride and groom, fresh bills in a special envelope. It’s bad form to give a number of bills that are divisible by two, so it’s usually the equivalent of $100, $300, $500, etc., depending on the guest’s relationship with the couple, ability to pay and so on. Then, and this is the weird part, the bride and groom give gifts to the guests. It used to be that at the end of the reception, the waiters would come around and give each guest a shopping bag full of loot. We received so many expensive but useless things over the years, many mismatched sets of Wedgewood coffee cups, etc. Nowadays, the guess usually receive a catalog from which they can select their gifts. The system has gotten more sophisticated, as the catalogs are typically mailed after the fact, and a guest that has given more cash at the party will receive a catalog for more expensive things. In general, the idea is that the bride and groom give back a fairly large percentage of what they receive, more than 50%. The same system also applies for funerals. It’s an extremely strange feeling to be flipping through a catalog trying to decide how to remember Uncle Taro. A couple of times, we just didn’t request anything, figuring our hosts could keep the money, but that didn’t work and instead we received a default gift of - yes, yet another mismatched set of coffee cups.
I don’t think I’ve seen a dollar dance at a wedding in the last 25 years here. Maybe it’s still at places regionally? Most weddings I have been to lately the gifts are cash or contributions towards something. I’ve been thinking about what to put on my registry in the future and i’m 100% sure all that I can come up with would be bought up at a bridal shower.
I also don’t understand the idea that if a family is invited to a wedding that you would give a bigger gift based on how many family members are going. What if my kids are invited and they are 8, 10 and 12? I give more money than if just me and my H are going?! In my world, no. It’s not a per capita gift it’s just a gift!
Once our kids graduated college they would gift on their own. Whatever they could afford.
Growing up, it was traditional to gift the equivalent of the plate, more for close family. Immigrant Slovak family; it was always our guideline. My nephew is getting married this year; were estimating it will cost $2,400 for the 3 of us for flights, car, and hotel They’ve lived together for several years, so they don’t need anything. I was thinking $400-500 for a gift? I have no idea; we haven’t been to a wedding in many years. There are only 2 nephews on my side of the family. My niece on DH’S side is graduating from college next weekend; her twin siblings are graduating high school the same day. I have no idea what’s appropriate for those either. Having only one kid and 5 nieces and nephews, we’re always on the short end of the gift thing
I think so much depends on the financial circumstances. For young adults, just the travel expenses can be a burden. Now that we are older we enjoy sharing our good fortune with bigger gift checks (wedding, college graduation etc) than we would have done years ago.
I grew up in NJ and never heard of this growing up. When I moved to the NYC metro part of NJ, I had one friend who described it as a thing, but it’s never been part of my wedding going experience. I give according to closeness.
I went to one wedding in PA many years ago with a dollar dance. Eesh. I was also at a Greek wedding about fifteen years ago in NJ where older gentlemen flung flurries of bills over the couple as they danced a traditional dance (groom had to learn it as he wasn’t Greek.) For whatever reason, I found that sort of charming.
We are attending three weddings this summer…with three different price points for gifts.
Wedding one is a daughter if DHs work colleagues. The invitations say “no boxed gifts, please”….so we will give money…probably $300.
Wedding two is a very very close family friend’s daughter. We have known the bride since she was born, and her parents for about 40 years. The wedding couple has just about everything (including a house)….so we sent them a case of selected wines (which I detailed in another thread).
Wedding three is our nephew and his wife (this is actually a wedding celebration). Not quite sure what we will give them. They will be moving a distance from where they currently live…so probably money there too.
In all three cases, there isn’t anything left in the gift registries except things like can openers and cutting boards. I guess everyone else bought their wedding gifts off the registry in 2020 when these events were supposed to take place.
I never heard the term “pay your plate” until I read about it on CC. My folks were immigrants from Croatia and the weddings I attended as a kid were weddings where there was a church ceremony (Catholic) early in the day (11 am) and then a reception later in the day (6pm). From what I remember, my parents gave cards with money as a wedding present. I never saw a money dance.
I prefer to give a gift from the registry rather than cash. However, I have been invited to weddings where there is no registry or there’s a honeymoon fund (which is just another name for cash). In that case I give cash. The amount depends on how well I know the couple or their parents.
It has been very eye-opening reading this thread. The pay-your-plate thing is a foreign concept to me. Also, perhaps because most weddings I’ve been invited to are at a distance, there is the cost of airfare, hotel, etc. So my presence is often the main part of the present. And yes, the price of the gift will often reflect my closeness to the individuals getting married. I prefer to get items off the registry, even if it is a can opener or cutting boards. I’m one of those people who thinks about who gave me an item whenever I use it (whether earrings for a birthday or a serving dish at my wedding), so giving an object serves as a memory-keeper that I am in support of their marriage and cared enough to come.
I will say that the cost of the gift might also reflect an exchange of presents. For instance, when we went up for SIL’s wedding, they let us stay at their house, saving us lots of money on lodging. We then increased our gift substantially (essentially adding what we would have spent on lodging to the gift).
When our nephew graduated from high school we ended up giving a check, and of an amount that was far higher than I was accustomed to ($350 or $500, I can’t recall). But, that was only the second person to graduate from high school on my spouse’s side of the family (spouse was the first), and thus the special significance of that occasion merited a more generous gift.
My daughter has been to a number of weddings and sent gifts to others she couldn’t attend. She and her boyfriend make nice salaries, but are still young and have bills (just bought their house). Recently she attended a wedding at the Four Seasons at WDW. We looked online and I think the cheapest per plate price was $240, and since they had filet for dinner, I don’t think the bride chose the cheapest ‘plate’ available (I think the per plate price included more than some other venues include, like the cake, some flowers, etc.).
She did not give that friend a better gift than any of the other weddings they’ve been to for their friends (and not a particularly close friend, just another teammate). Most of the weddings involve them traveling to the wedding, sometimes renting a car, a hotel, taking time off work. Ridiculously expensive. They aren’t going to give a $500 gift on top of that.
In general, I gift more to closer friends or relatives. At this point pretty much all the weddings we attend are fairly close friends or relatives. I’ve been giving about $200 to close relatives. Sometimes my kids ant to give their own gifts and sometimes they want me to give for our family. If the latter, I increase the check.
The last time I went to a wedding, plates were no more than $60, so many, many years ago the pay your plate rule will no longer be in effect in our house. $240 pp, holy ■■■■
I can’t think of a weddingg we have been to that didn’t have a dollar dance…but one of them was collecting funds for a charity close to a relative who had recently passed away. DS was married in 2019 and we had to specifically announce it was time to dance with the bride/groom if you’d like that chance (MIL rreallllly wanted a moment alone) but under no circumstances was $$ to be exchanged. I agree , it’s a very icky custom. I think of the reception as a thank-you-for-coming, not a chance to collect more stuff.
But imagine, back in the day when you were expected to open gifts at the reception! Yikes!!
Wow, you guys attend a lot of weddings. Like @Tigerwife92, we haven’t been to a wedding in ages and have never traveled to one. The few we’ve been invited to in the last decade or two have been for children of friends, none local, so we just pulled up their online registries and made a selection Amazon-style. Done. Because I assume that everything on the registry is something they want, it doesn’t matter to me what I select. If all that’s left on the registry is a cutting board, then that’s what I’d give. I wouldn’t feel any need to supplement. I hope my own kid elopes.
My daughter (age 25) has been to a ton. I think their friends like to invite them because most of them were teammates of D or her BF, some are marrying teammates, so they get a two-for-one as they don’t then have to issue a ‘plus one’. She’s even turned down several and I still think they’ve been to 6-7 in the last year. If they still lived in Florida they’d go to even more.
This month her BF is going to one alone (I think it is a high school friend) because daughter is playing in her tournament. They also declined one in Annapolis on Memorial day weekend because the flight was just too expensive. Annapolis during graduation week? What were they thinking?
My other daughter (age 26) is ‘always the bridesmaid, never the bride…’ Been in three, on deck for three more.
They’ve lived together for several years, so they don’t need anything. I was thinking $400-500 for a gift? I have no idea; we haven’t been to a wedding in many years. There are only 2 nephews on my side of the family. My niece on DH’S side is graduating from college next weekend; her twin siblings are graduating high school the same day. I have no idea what’s appropriate for those either. Having only one kid and 5 nieces and nephews, we’re always on the short end of the gift thing