Recent weddings we’ve attended had the comprehensive websites (run by Zola, the Knot, etc) that in addition to sharing photos, story, and logistics, act as super-registries (have items from multiple stores, plus the “funds” such as honeymoon, etc). Several of them also had a choice to donate to a fund for their favorite charity as a gift to them.
With the “funds”, I don’t think they really have to use the money in the stated way. I think they actually just get the money, and can do with it as they please. I’m sure they really do want $ for honeymoon, house, whatever they say, but it’s actually flexible. I do think the idea is to give the gift-givers the feeling they are doing something more personal/thoughtful then just a check. The downside is that the websites charge 1-2 percent transaction fee, so a check is a tiny bit more money.
ETA oops, didn’t mean to respond just to bhs1978, that was just a thread response.
I like the registry idea… and when I opt to give a check the couple is welcome to put it toward their most wanted remaining idea.
Things I don’t like about registry:
sometimes a person will sign up for a few different small things…. I try to leave those for somebody looking for a low cost single item
we once bought 3 places of china, and there was huge shipping fee x 3
one nice store with registry once told us they just total the amount… and then the couple just picks what the want (it’s practical and prevents having weird mix of china etc … so I only partly dislike it)
Some registries allow you to let them know you have purchased the item, even if not from registry store, to reduce the couple getting duplicates. I always try to notify. Some if the cookware and kitchen items are MUCH cheaper at Ross or Costco and it’s the exact same item.
I like to choose a large, expensive item from H and me and our kids, if they’re invited. I have no problem giving a check if nothing is on registry or only small, inexpensive items.
The dollar dance was a staple in my husband’s family/culture. I found the concept “tacky”. It was very controversial that I flat-out refused to do it. My mother-in-law and her sisters still talk about it 30 years later (“Was she crazy? She could have made another couple-hundred dollars!”) My husband mentioned the possibility of my daughter doing it at her wedding and she quickly shut it down.
I’m not sure how “pay for your plate” became a thing since no one really knows the exact cost of the plate (does it include the open bar? The band?). It’s not like they print it on the invites (“Join us for a $200/pp plated diner at XYZ country club.”) My daughter and many of her 20-something friends have gotten married in the past year and a half, and most have included the opportunity to purchase honeymoon “experiences” via Zola, The Knot, etc., as a gift. For the weddings that we’ve attended, I have purchased those experiences (a dinner at a special restaurant, a Jeep tour, helicopter ride, etc.)
I am shocked at how much this generation of 20-somethings spend on each other’s wedding & shower gifts (at least the ones I know)! Back when I got married, our friends were BROKE (as were we). Now they’re buying each other Brooklinen sheets, Dysons & Yetis!
Side question: Any recommendation for second weddings? I’m invited to an “after-wedding” celebration in honor of the family member of a dear friend. They are getting married elsewhere in a small ceremony with family and close friends only. This is a second wedding; they already have a house (and most everything they need); I was invited to the first wedding (with gift at that time).
A nice bottle of wine? Something more? This is a new one for me.
I think for the ‘later in life’ wedding the gift should be an experience (theater tickets, a dinner at a nice restaurant) or a donation to a charity in their honor.
My friend who got married when she was 40 to a guy who had been married before and who had lived in their house forever (it had been his grandmother’s house) did register for VERY expensive china with the knowledge they might get a few cups and plates but not a place setting, but also included the option for a fund for trees for their backyard or a donation to Doctors without Borders. I thought it was a nice group of options and they received gifts in all three categories and were just as happy with a gift in any category.
Our S has a lot more money than we had at his age and is much more well-traveled than we are. He has traveled for some weddings and I believe gives very generous gifts. My niece has also traveled for many weddings and has been in quite a few.
Being in the wedding party is much more expensive than it was when I was in weddings decades ago. It may involve a trip for a bachelorette party and a shower and sometimes other events as well. My D has to buy 2 dresses and have them altered to have one that was wearable for the wedding when she was an attendant. The 1st custom dress didn’t fit at all the the vendor said so sad, too bad. Since we are supporting D financially, I notice when her money is running out faster than usual.
We went to a wedding years ago with one of the Asian postdocs. Not only was there and enormous banquet, but the bride wore three different outfits during the course of the evening. I ate a lot of thing that I had never seen before - I remember we kept asking what things were and they’d turn out to be jellyfish, or sea cucumber, I wasn’t sure I actually wanted to know!
Yinz here and dollar dance weddings when I was young. Haven’t seen it since, but I also haven’t been to a lot of weddings. I do recall the last wedding I went to in that culture I must have been around 18. After dancing with the bride? Or groom? Not sure. And the girls got a piece of cake and the guys a shot of whiskey and I said I wanted the whiskey not the cake.
I haven’t been to a wedding in the last twenty years where the parents paid. Have one next year where our good friends the brides parents are paying. Honestly, I find this really a bit outdated. The bride and groom are much younger than the ones we’ve been to though and the parents own an established company and the couple doesn’t have much money.
Most couples are in their 30’s (30-37 is common). Most are established professionals and do specific things related to their interests.
Interesting maybe it’s the part of the country we live in. Will be interesting to see what people give in this thread.
FWIW: We give 1K to family members and $500 to friends. Check not cash. We often gift before the wedding. I personally find people asking for $ only to be very tacky and entitled and might be tempted to buy them a gift of my own choosing. LOL> My SIL recently was stressed because she’s having financial issues and the bride told her directly she wanted $ only. Don’t be that bride.
Oh that’s so interesting! We’ve been to tons of weddings lately (some older friends kids are getting married, we have loads of nieces & nephews, a couple of employees, etc), averaging about 4 a year for the past 6 or 7 years, and I think all have been paid by parents, primarily brides’ parents. I thought that things would be more frequently split between bride & groom parents, but that’s not what I’m seeing often; it seems more like the the traditional—grooms family responsible for the rehearsal dinner, brides for the wedding. But I’ll also say almost all these weddings are people approximately 26-29 years old. I’ve been curious about this as I have one boy and one girl (not yet marriage age). With one of each, I don’t really care how traditions have been kept up or changed; it’s all the same to me but very interesting nonetheless. We may live in a part of the country that’s more traditional (northeast). I’d love to hear what others have done if your kids have gotten married, and/or what you are seeing among friends and relatives—who is paying for the wedding? Of course, if this is too far off the topic, no worries, but I think it does tie into the them about wedding customs and paying!
ETA: I find it very helpful when people mention the size of the gifts they give in their region. I realize I may need to up my game , and I’m grateful for this real information. It’s kind of hard to suss out what’s appropriate (although of course I agree it should always be within affordability for the person) unless people are willing to share this info!! So thank you, posters, who have shared.
I’m surprised people know who’s paying for the weddings. I know sometimes parents give the kids money to do with what they want, and they don’t necessarily get recognized as the ones funding the wedding. And sometimes the kids pay or a lot, and still acknowledge the parents as if they paid for the entire thing.
My S just got engaged. We wrote the 2 big checks for S to do with as he wants—it can be used toward wedding, honeymoon, place to live, whatever. No strings on the money but so far he hasn’t cashed the checks (as he hasn’t cashed prior checks we’ve given him).
Honestly I don’t know who has paid what for weddings that have happened that I’ve attended. My sister had 3 daughters that all got married at the CClub here in Honolulu. I don’t know whether she and her H paid or if the B&G did or if parents of groom did for any of wedding expenses. It never came up.
My nephew us getting married after Covid called off hi 4/2020 wedding. I know that $60k was put down so far in deposits but no idea whose cash that was—believe it may be B&G but never asked.
From what I have seen (and I am not an authority by any stretch) is it depends on the circumstances. First gen college grads or first gen professionals are more likely to pay for their own weddings. Parents who make significantly more money than bride/groom are more likely to pay. And younger bride/groom are less likely to pay.
Sometimes you know who is paying based on relationship you have with bride/groom or their parents. Sometimes its easy to tell. Summer seven figure wedding involves bride/groom who are both in grad school so unless they are going into huge debt (which no lender would provide) parents are paying (also good friends with bride’s parents who offered to pay a not insignificant amount for wedding but groom’s parents said that just wouldn’t work in their friend circle). Venue can give it away too. Recently minted teachers are not paying $100k+ for their own wedding.
Seems surprising to me. Had the bride had a registry, your SIL would have felt better about getting gift? Often times, registry is filled with luxury models of items and items that are not truly necessary to live. Will people struggling financially feel better about those gift options?
, and I’m grateful for this real information. It’s kind of hard to suss out what’s appropriate (although of course I agree it should always be within affordability for the person) unless people are willing to share this info!! So thank you, posters, who have shared.