From what I have been told, yes.
I think it depends on the wedding. My sister recently got engaged and is mostly paying for her own wedding. My parents are helping her a little bit. Her future brother in law gave them almost 1000 towards it.
I’m guessing the same will be true for my wedding (aside from the brother in law giving money). We make a lot more than both sets of parents do. However, my mom likes to keep things even, so I’m sure whatever money she is giving towards my sisters she will also give towards mine.
I know my best friend and her now husband covered their own wedding and I believe it was about 60k, which blows my mind. They didn’t have that money and financed it all. It took them years to pay it off. That was about 15 years ago.
I think mine will be about 10k and even that seems extreme for a one day party. But, that’s pretty cheap for a wedding from what I’ve seen.
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On the flip side, my 2 kids are fast approaching marriage age and I plan to “write a check” (same amount for D and S), and leave it to them how lavish or frugal their wedding. The possible exception is if they do a “big” wedding and my wife and I decide to add our friends to their guest list. I would cover their “plates” on top of the base check. I don’t believe there should be any expectation of a return. These people are guests at our kids’ invitation.
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I have been contemplating the same things as you—giving a set amount to each of my two kids (one D, one S), hopefully enough to cover the bulk of a typical wedding in our neck of the woods. But I do go back and forth on the fairness. If, for example, my son marries a gal whose family pays for the wedding for their daughter (seemingly pretty common around me even in this day & age), my son will end up with a pretty hefty check that could go towards house downpayment, etc. It seems far less likely that our daughter’s future spouse’s parents would pay for their wedding, as it doesn’t seem super-common for boy’s families to pay for weddings here, so daughter would likely spend the check on the wedding, and not have it leftover for house downpayment or whatever. So sometimes this feels uneven to me. On the other hand, sometimes the evenness of the two checks feels very fair to me. 
. Just something I think is interesting to ponder and hear how it’s handled by others, because it’s not very clear or me what makes sense. Of course, I’m not agonizing over this…there are not even any prospective spouses lined up yet! 
Fendergirl, everything you wrote makes sense to me. In the case that the kids are making more than the parents, it certainly sounds logical that the kids would pay for most of the wedding. Since your best friend got married 15 years ago, I’m assuming you are well into your 30s and also have a strong idea of how you want your wedding to be, etc. Also, what a generous brother-in-law for your sister! I also am amazed that a young couple (your bf) would choose to finance such a pricey wedding. I sure hope they had an absolutely spectacular day to make it worth it!!
I think two equal checks from you is fair. You can’t control how the spouses’ parents will handle things. Who knows, maybe your daughters’ in-laws will just write a check to their kids, too.
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I take the view that “fair” is based on the way we treat our kids. We have no control over others, nor do we have control over our kids in who they choose to be with, what career they choose and lifestyle they want to maintain. I do think DS might give a bit more on the side in terms of purchases for my D in grad school vs S on Wall Street, but in things like estate planning and bigger ticket items, we aim for 50/50.
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So far, we’ve written one fairly substantial check and told the couple they are free to use the money however they’d like. I anticipate something similar to each of our kids, but I suspect my husband may decide to give his child more (said child want’s a huge fancy wedding).
I made it clear to all kids that having them graduate from undergrad with no debt was important to me, but paying for fancy weddings, not so much.
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Yep!
Double yep!
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We are in the NE too. In MA, so the level of education for almost all is a bachelors degree and most have Masters (both partners).
My spouse comes from a more traditional family. They give cash ( and a lot of it). When we married 20 years ago, the normal gift was $500 in cash. I thought that was a lot then. Still do. Some people gave 1K. My relatives gave pots and pans and modest gifts. So there was a HUGE difference amongst the families though both sides were about equal in wealth.
We have a large family and many many nieces and nephews. Some parts of the family (mostly the tech folks) have done very very well. They paid for private schools, college and some even paid for grad school. None paid for their kids wedding ( though the ones with $ mostly had boys). Don’t know who paid for the rehearsal dinner.
Most weddings have been destination, some small some large. None were less than 29, most were in their 30s, some late 30s. Kids had high paying good jobs and most had lived together. This could be the biggest factor.
I don’t plan to pay for my kids weddings. I don’t think they’d let us. They are pretty independent and want to do things the way they want. But we’d probably give them a large gift in cash. We paid for our own wedding and decided how we wanted it. Don’t regret it. But I’m very anti-waste. I don’t like the traditional type thing with lots of overhead. Like natural outdoor weddings, gourmet food and lots of fun. We didn’t even have seating assignments. People will sit where they want. We also had two parts: a gourmet luncheon for 40 of our closest family and friends at a restaurant in the woods with a fabulous chef followed by a low key reception with costumes ( halloween) at a country club. Costs were minimal based on choices we made and fun was high. People hiked between the events. To each his own.
I’ve been to great weddings and awful weddings. Nothing depended on the cost/venue. It was all in the way the couple treated others and each other. To me that’s a predictor of how the marriage will fare.
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Wow, this screams to me of nouveau riche. Who in their right mind would pay 7 figures for a wedding? More importantly, why would they spend this amount? We are fiscally responsible and my kids would laugh if we ever came up with such an idea. They know we wouldn’t. And they’d rather have that money gathering interest. We know a lot of wealthy families and no one would spend that amount. Are you on the West Coast? NYC?
My sister had a black tie wedding ( at one of the Newport mansions). She and he husband paid for it. It was very expensive at the time. One of the worst weddings ever. Everyone had to do things in a particular manner and spend money on black tie clothing. Only the Wall Street people were at ease. It was just uncomfortable for all.
Not sure. I put lots of low cost items on my list. Didn’t want anyone to feel they had nothing to chose. I got some of the low cost gifts. To me, it wasn’t about collecting things but about having the people I loved there and making sure they were comfortable. Some of the best gifts I ever got were very expensive pans. At the time I thought it was an odd gift, but I have used them for 20 years everyday. We bought a nephew a set recently.
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This is another thread that has me feeling like this song. To be clear, the “other” thing is me!
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Neither on the west coast nor in NYC. Wedding will be in the south. Cost of a wedding, like so many things, is relative. Seven figures may be as significant to some families as $10k, $25k or $50k is to other families. Someone spending $10k on a wedding may struggle to figure out why someone spending $25k or $50k would spend so much.
The wedding this summer is black tie (may be white tie, I am not sure). But it will definitely be a tuxedo event. I own one so I am good.
If there is no registry, not sure why anyone would feel pressured to give any specific dollar amount. Give what you can afford. And that analysis will be the same if there is a gift registry.
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I was just interested in the huge number as a matter of curiosity. We have two family friends (one very close and one more of a business associate) both are early tech billionaires (have sold multiple companies in the hundreds of millions) and have given millions in philanthropy ( sometimes silently, I know as I was on a board so knew who the donor was).
Neither had an over the top wedding for their kids. Both were self-made and not from wealthy families. Both weddings were tasteful and normal. Other weddings, I’ve been to were also pretty mainstream fancy. At a nice hotel, for example but not with a famous band or anything.
In our area, there’s a lot of financial wealth but sometimes you’d never know who had it. I once saw a neighbor at the dump taking his trash out of his Rolls Royce. Funny, in a weird way. And some of the wealthiest people dress very casually.
I guess that spending and wealth is a matter of what people think is important. And how they raised their kids. Some kids might want something very showy and others would prefer a simple beach wedding/with a small number of people.
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I’m in your category!
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Our dear niece is getting married next month. 2 of my DSIL’s and I went together for her shower gift and her wedding gift. We gave her a place setting of her good china ($200 a place setting before coupon). For the wedding gift we could have given her 2 place settings however, Bed Bath and Beyond did not accept coupons for the china pattern. So, I ordered 5 dinner places and 5 bread and butter plates from Belk. At the time Belk did not have any place settings in stock. Now she will have enough dinner plates for a dinner party and can use the bread and butter plates for salad or dessert. The total was a bit over $400. I know that she will be thrilled. In the past, the 3 of us have given a Kitchen Aid mixer as the wedding gift. So, we spend about $100 to $150 each.
My D2 only gives money. She said that is what the couples want. Then why register, I asked? I will only buy from the registry or send a check. Her registry had a huge variation in prices. Her grandmother loved her pretty dishes and it has been passed on to her granddaughter.
There are 34 grandchildren on my DH’s side of the family. Less than half are married.
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I have been on all sides of this. Most of my friends got married in their early to mid 30’s (San Francisco). I think when I went to give a gift I would think about the lavishness of the party I was about to attend, and that was part of my formula. I DEFINITELY tried to cover the cost of TWO PLATES if the bride was generous enough to give me a “plus one” … (in my friend group if it was $300 a plate you would usually not be given a plus one if you had just started dating someone-- the bride and groom didn’t particularly want to pay for them AND they didn’t want to meet them for the first time at their wedding).
Now that I’m a 50-something, I try to give generous gifts, especially to young relatives or friends’ kids whom I’m fond of. I definitely got a little stung recently, though, when I picked the 2nd most expensive item on a niece’s registry in the hopes that they’d use it (a set of sauce pans) and think of our family. Not only do I see them using a different set when I visit (their prerogative), but the thank you note I gotjust said “thank you for the gift.” The set was $600+ and I have to be honest with myself that I obviously wanted some kind of brownie-points or “credit” since I felt stung not to have the item specifically acknowledged. I have since adjusted my expectations and just assume the couple won’t remember what I got (and that does affect what I get them, too!). Complicated stuff, this wedding gift thing:)!
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This was a fun read to return to after the weekend wedding! So many varying thoughts and ideas, and I enjoyed reading all of them. I did a registry gift for the shower, but we generally dont for the wedding. We landed on $750 for the 5 of us and that felt right. Had a great time!! Partying with the “kids” was fun!
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I actually think one of the problems with registries is that the gifts become much more impersonal. I don’t know who gave me the Dansk bowls, or the placemats I picked out, but I know exactly who gave me the bud vase or the wacky 1950s coffee set. The bud vase lives on my kitchen window sill, the coffee set gets brought out only for parties, but is on open shelves in the kitchen where I can look at it every day.
This thread is making me feel guilty about our usual amount for wedding gifts, but I know that when I give a party I don’t expect my guests to pay for it.
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It’s funny, but I DO remember that my concrete design professor gave us the Paul Revere kettle, my high school guidance counselor gave us a flatware place setting, my dad’s close friends gave us the standing electric fan, etc. 
We’re still using a lot of the presents and we celebrate our 36th anniversary on May 31.
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“Goodfellas” is playing in my mind when I see this thread.
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