We only had 6 guests at our wedding, which was held in a chapel on the Washington University campus. After the wedding, we went to the best restaurant in the area. The following week friends hosted a party for us. We received a Le Crueset casserole and a pottery bowl as gifts—still use these (41 years later). I also remember the gift givers!!
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I think it’s just fine that some people that can afford splurgy gifts/checks and want to do so follow their heart while others opt not to. And a mix of gifts and checks probably is nicer than all of one or the other. So follow your inclination.
Funny to see this thread b/c I just heard my mom use the expression “cover your plate” a couple of days ago when talking about some upcoming weddings. I have heard this expression occasionally before (I’m an East Coaster) and know what it means tho I have no idea where I originally heard it. Not sure where my mom first heard it either.
I honestly cannot remember the last time I was at a wedding (10 years?) but have three weddings in the next three months. A neighbor/former babysitter, my niece and one of my husband’s friend’s from college (widower, second marriage, and the wedding website specifically asks no gifts and suggests donations to two cancer organizations if we insist on giving something). Our wedding gifts to neighbor and niece will not be based on catering costs. I generally give a registry gift for the bridal shower if invited and money for wedding gift.
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Never heard of this until this thread.
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We do $500 from the two of us. If my adult kids are going I do $500 cash plus a $150-250 gift off the registry. For my niece wedding $1800.
New York, right? I’m from the NY area too.
Why $1800 and not $1500 or $2000?
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Is this related to the #18 and Jewish tradition?
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As @abasket surmised it’s Jewish tradition to give gifts that involve an 18. Either a multiple of it ( typical bar/bat mitzvah gift from kids friends is $18 or $36) or a figure that contains the number $118 or $1800 for example. All Hebrew letters have a number associated with them and the word for “life” is chai whose letters add up to 18. So by giving gifts of 18 you are making a blessing “to life”. We do sometimes give wedding gifts of $518 to friends who we know are into the tradition. We gave very close friends kids gifts of $324 for bar and bat mitvahs (18 x 18). And at @brantly, we are in the Chicago area.
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Wow, some of these gifts are really big, IMO. IF you go to two family weddings that would be 5K easily if someone is giving $1800 per couple and then add in travel and hotel.
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I do think it’s very regional. I’m married 29 years and even back then, we had a number of gift checks of $800. One colleague of my father’s wrote us a check for $1,200 (that was the biggest). I grew up in NY.
Even when we were in our 20s going to friend’s weddings, we gave something in the realm of $200.
When we were a bit older and moved to OH and starting getting wedding invites there, we upped the number some and people thought we were over the top gifting and we dialed it back.
I haven’t been to a wedding in a very long time now so I’m not sure what we would decided but I expect it will depend on the relationship. I’d be much more lavish with a family member than friends’ kids.
As an aside, I remember probably half of who gave us what in terms of gifts. Depends on how much I use it or how unusual it was ; )
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Does anyone factor in how much they think the couple “needs”? We don’t give different amounts to the nieces/nephews. But I could see some people gifting more to the teacher than the doctor. Has anyone done this or know if it happens?
The last weddings we’ve been to, all of the couples have been high income earners. The only thing they don’t have is a house. But that wasn’t the case several decades ago and I’m sure it’s not the case everywhere.
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No. To me that’s like the people who leave unequal amounts to their kids in their wills.
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These traditions are pretty old, back in the day, families tended to live in the same areas. My great grandparents/grandparents had big families, and generations lived within 10 miles of Ellis island for decades. There are still large multigenerational families here, with weekly dinners and frequent large celebrations.
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Agree. But I would just love in theory to give a lot more to my nephew who teaches kids with autism then I gave to his brother who never sent a thank you for the 1K we gave. Would love to do this, but never, ever would.
What traditions? I’m not sure what you are referring to. Thanks.
If you want to help along someone who is more financially needy, then feel free to do so. If you think it might create a family dust storm because you gave a more expensive wedding gift to one nephew than another, then do it at another occasion. Perhaps during Teacher Appreciation Week you send the teacher a check, or during Autism Awareness Month, or whenever. It doesn’t need to be a repeated gift, either. You could just say how much you appreciate what the person has been doing over his career and wanted to give him some extra recognition. The well-paid brother is not a teacher or doing things with autistic children, so there shouldn’t be any hurt feelings that he doesn’t get recognition for that, and there’s no particular reason why the brother would even find out that you sent something extra to the teacher.
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Pay your plate, most did not have to worry about additional costs like travel.
Yes, I would love to do that. But, it’s my husbands family and they can’t keep a secret even a good one.
I think when he eventually gets married we’ll do something like you suggested. Just hope by then, he can keep it quiet as we have many other nieces and nephews >10 to consider.
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I never think about “playing my plate” because it is the hosts, not me, who decide what to spend on the wedding. If someone chooses to have a crazy elaborate/expensive affair or a more modest affair that is their choice. I give a gift based on the relationship with the couple – typically around $500 for H and myself. If I attend an engagement party or shower I buy from the registry. My kids are grown and gift whatever they feel is appropriate.
When we hosted D’s wedding last summer I did not expect it to be a money-making or break-even venture. We had an affair that fit what D and SIL wanted and was within our budget. FWIW I did ask the kids to provide H and I with a list of gifts given from our friends/family – when we go to affairs that they host we would want to give a similar gift.
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The tricky thing with weddings is that often the bride’s family foots most or all of the bill, and about half the guests are people they’ve never met. To be honesty, being a spouse-date of a groom coworker who I have only met a few times can make me feel like being generous even though they are not close friends/family. It can be really fun to share the joy of a young couple celebrating, glad to give a few hundred dollars.