Ha ha ha! Been there. I remember thinking about my oldest and both her HS and her first college boyfriend. We spent time with both families. I remember thinking to myself, “keep your mouth shut, but PLEASE lord don’t entangle me with this gene pool.”
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Y’all’s kids’ poor matches must not have been nearly as bad as my son’s.
When he told me that they were going to start dating and asked what I thought I was honest, as I always am with him. I said, “The advance billing on (girl’s name) is not good. All I can think about right now is what’s going to happen when you try to extricate yourself from this relationship.” Of course I was welcoming to her when he brought her home, but I knew it was a matter of time before things went south.
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Consensus so far seems to be many were able to tell almost immediately when their child had NOT found “the one.” 
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Most of the time if the kid is happy, we are happy. There was one that I was so happy when they broke up. It was never going to be good and the SO would have made the kid miserable.
Some of it was meeting the SO’s parents. We’ve met 4 sets throughout the years. One was a nightmare, a true awful experience. One set I loved, the kid loved them also but it wasn’t the one.
The current in laws on both side are very nice.
But seeing my kid’s interaction with the SO’s parents is an experience and I knew that when they loved my kid that relationship was going to be ok.
I think I would’ve never thought about that part except that one set of parents were so awful.
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Not really, but I was surprised by my relief when my DD called off the wedding with 3.5 months to go. She never looked back! And, YES, the parent situation did ring some alarms.
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I agree that the parents make a big difference. We were so glad DD ended relationship with her previous long term boyfriend. The dynamic in his family was not something we wanted to see in their relationship. Very strong patriarch dynamic was alarming. The parents of her current boyfriend adore her and they have similar family dynamic as ours.
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My kids don’t seem to believe in the concept of “the one” at all. They also resist the idea of a “better half.” They seem to be thinking about alternatives, including platonic co-parenting. One of my kids is transitioning to non-binary and has a non-monogamous but committed partner. The other two have deep non-romantic connections that sustain them, at least for now. I have no idea what the future holds and don’t tend to assess how long term these relationships might be. I just don’t want them to be lonely. There are many ways to avoid that and I try to be as open as I can be.
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I remember when our D wanted us to meet a young man that we didn’t know she had been seeing. We met at a restaurant. The attitude was different. It was almost like she wanted our approval. We left that meet and greet feeling that this relationship was one that could lead to marriage. They were engaged within a year of our first meeting him (he asked our permission to aske her to marry him). They have been married for 4 years now.
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Interesting to see the comments about how parents make a difference. I guess this makes me sad for kids whose parents are less than stellar - my guess these kids have already paid the price for these parents to a degree but doesn’t have to mean they will be a repeat product of their parents!
I wonder if the “what are the parents like?” perspective makes more of a difference when there is little distance between couple and parents.
I am someone who doesn’t believe that there is “one” perfect match out there for anyone. Lots of fish in the sea that could be great partners for any individual. Maybe there is a type? Maybe not.
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For me, parents are an interesting piece of the puzzle, but I wouldn’t want to hold a kid responsible for the parents’ dynamics or attitudes or beliefs. I will say that in each kid’s most successful relationships I did adore the parents. I finally read the book Educated this weekend, and I admire the author for breaking from the family of origin. I wouldn’t want to hold her upbringing against her.
Also agree that there is no single “one” for anyone. I took the question to mean “the one” with whom they ended up in a long-term relationship.
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Since I was the one to mention this I’ll put a little clarity on this particular situation.
The parents were together, the father was a bully. The family dynamic was heavy drinking, the mother wasn’t drinking and was made fun of.
The son didn’t want to confront the father and so everything the young couple did was to please the father. Including spending all of their weekends with the parents.
The greatest part of our weekend visiting them was the father slapping the mother on the side of the head. Only I saw this and the utter humiliation in the mother’s eyes.
The problem was the parents and the son’s utter inability to ignore or break away.
I knew some of the things that were happening such as spending an inordinate amount of time with the family and that the dad was very intimidating. A visit confirmed some of what I was told but it was a thousand times worse than I thought.
I don’t blame the son but he wasn’t able to break free. That was the issue. I don’t think I could have imagined what a horror it was until I experienced it.
This is only some of what happened.
I was so happy when they broke up.
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My goodness, I would call the police.
@deb922 - Wow! That’s a lot of red flags. Glad that did not last.
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With my son (getting married next year) met his fiancee we pretty much knew she was the one (if he was smart!). We never said anything but I’m really happy they both saw it too. For my daughter, I have known that most of the guys were NOT the one, including her baby’s father. We had one that I thought was a possiblity but no, the newest one not sure one way or the other.
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I really hope D’s current BF will be the one. We really like him and they seem well matched. She met him summer of 2020 and was just “having fun” after a bad relationship ended. The only thing is that he has years of Med school to go, and she is starting her career. Her attitude after 2 years is that they love spending time together right now, but who knows what the future holds. My fingers are crossed. Such a good kid from a good family
If S ever in his lifetime actually dates a girl, much less gets a GF I will jump for joy. He still has not figured out how to make friends. :(. Yes ASD sucks.
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So far, no significant others for both D and S. So, no clue if I can tell if they’ve met the “one”. I don’t believe in the “one” person theory - but I would love for them to be involved with someone they could see themselves getting serious with.
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Now looking back, the subtle acts I saw showed a kind hearted and supportive partner.
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For religious reasons, my parents were not thrilled with my first long term love. I moved on, but he was , even 40 years later, the most compatible man for me.
I was very supportive of my sons long term relationship with a gal in grad school. To me, her family and she were great. He moved on, and seems extremely happy in his marriage. I have no idea what goes on below the surface. I just try to greet each GF as though she may be my future DIL.
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I married my HS sweetheart (just celebrated 25 years of marriage) and my MIL was a good lesson in what not to do. She wasn’t accepting of me at all for many, many years. I think she thought I would be a flash-in-the-pan GF and she treated me accordingly. By the time she realized I was sticking around, our relationship was cool–and more or less remains so today (although it’s certainly better than it was). My D has had two long-term relationships, including one that lasted all of HS and another that she’s been in for two years of college. I wonder sometimes if I’m “too easy” on her boyfriends–both have/had some characteristics that could be problematic long-term or that I might not pick if I were choosing her future husband–but the truth is that no partner will be perfect and I want to give her BFs room to grow, mature and evolve as young men. In the meantime, I try to follow her lead. If she seems to be serious about a BF, I try to get to know him and build a relationship. Ultimately, I want to be included and involved in her adult life, and having a relationship with her partner facilitates that. So far, I haven’t had a “he’s the one” moment, but nor have I had a clear “he’s definitely not the one” moment.
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Good point! People are not carbon copies of their parents and I wouldn’t necessarily hold someone’s upbringing against them. Not every person comes from a super close family.
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