Our two daughters (ages 28 and 30) recently told us they have boyfriends. In each case, they’ve been dating for about two months.
Neither daughter is the type who “always has a boyfriend.” I’ve never really expected any of their prior relationships to be long term, due to hesitations they’ve expressed more or less from the beginning.
I have the sense that these boyfriends fall into a different category and may end up as life partners. (We’ve met one of them and had a very good first impression.)
Have you been able to sense when your child found “the one”?
I finally understand those stories of fathers warning suitors that they had better not break their daughter’s heart!
No, I have 5 adult children (19 - 26) and 3 of them have had SO’s pretty much all of the time, relationships lasted at least a year. My 26 year old has been dating her current boyfriend for 6+ years, my 24 year old 2+ years, my 21 year old 3+ years. They’ve always had SO’s since starting HS. Actually my husband always had long term relationships starting in HS. We dated 5 years before getting engaged.
While there can be short or long “long term” relationships I think if someone has been around for a year, two years, starts attending family events, your child largely totes them along for family events and vice versa…then indications are TOWARDS long term? But really you never know.
I say don’t worry about. Definitely don’t put any pressure or even comment on “is this the one”?
I just know when I secretly think, “don’t let this be the one.”
I thought of that of D2’s ex boyfriend of 5 years. It was a sigh of relief when they broke up.
My kids haven’t really dated much, but I think my sister knew when her kids found “the one”. I met one or two of the ones who was not “the one” and I could tell from my sister that they weren’t serious about each other.
D started dating a guy at the end of her sophomore year in HS. 15+ years later they are together, married almost 7 years and are parents of a baby. I guess I never had to think about it. OTOH, S is single and last I knew was not seeing anyone. But then I would be the last to know with him!
I think my son has met “the one” but I didn’t recognize it or take it seriously for a long time. They’ve been together since he was 15, and while he was still in high school, I just assumed it would fizzle out. I know what they say about assuming, haha. My D had a long term SO for years, but I knew he wasn’t the one, despite him being a lovely guy.
my oldest is getting ready to propose. i knew he had it bad years back one time walking through the grocery store and he was smiling and grinning while pointing things out his GF liked. i’m not surprised with him. the others . . . no, can’t tell anything!
My D lived five hours away when she met “the one.” I didn’t have to wonder, because she told me when they became quite serious. That happened relatively early in the relationship, but they were committed to taking things slow. They got engaged 4 years after they met & married 1.5 years later.
S was in a 5.5 year relationship, but they had no interest in marriage or kids, so I never thought about whether she was “the one.” In hindsight, knowing what I know now, I realize they weren’t each other’s “one.” It also showed me that what I might see in their relationship is just a small glimpse of its totality.
This is sentimental for me because my mother-in-law felt this immediately. My husband was 45 and had a very unhappy first marriage and difficult divorce. Right after we started dating, she told me, “Thank you for giving me my son back. This is the son I remember.” She told the same story as a toast at our wedding.
We have essentially lost her to dementia. I’m glad we have that toast on video.
D19 just ended a serious 2 year relationship which had potential to be longer term. However, considering divorce rates, the fact that we never actually know what’s going on in other people’s lives, even our kids’, I would say that I will able to tell that the person that she finds is “the first one” when they are together as a couple for about a decade and have a shared house, kids and/or pets, and are making plans for the following 10 years.
Hopefully, I’ll not be around to tell whether that partner will be “the only one”, unless there is an afterlife, and they will tell me when they join me.
Our son has always been happiest when he’s in a relationship, and he has been dating his current GF for a year and a half now. Though we’ve only met her over FaceTime, she is very easy to talk to, and they appear to be quite compatible. However, he told us early on that he doesn’t think she’s “the one.” I thought that was an odd comment and that he was implying a breakup. That was over a year ago, so I’m not sure what he’s thinking now.
He proposed to her last month after almost three years of dating and, although we are thrilled that he is happy, I did ask him point blank, “So, she’s The One?” He beamed with an unhesitating, “Yes!” That’s all I need to know. She will be our DIL, and we have welcomed her into the family with all our love.
But, she is very different from his other GFs, and that early comment kept me wary. Their relationship seems to be built on easy companionship and shared interests rather than the irrational thunderbolt that bound me and DH from the first. I guess I was looking for those special fireworks which they may have but aren’t easily apparent to outsiders and, of course, aren’t a requirement for a successful marriage. I just thought I’d know when he had found the absolute love of his life, but I didn’t.
ETA:
Definitely can relate to this. Thank goodness that one did NOT work out.
I had zero lightening bolts with my husband, we initially met in middle school and got together after college graduation. When we starting dating I discovered he still hadn’t broken up officially with his girlfriend from college and I was happy, didn’t want anything serious. After about a year I realized that he was the one, took him longer, but we got engaged after five years. So we’ve known each other for 43 years, have been together for 33, and married for 27.
I am more likely to think “the one” has been found when the two are completely comfortable and loving with each other – not really looking for evidence of a “lightning bolt” having hit.
Yes, Not by being around them but by looking at photos of them together. Both H and I knew it was a done deal. Everybody did. We were looking at facebook photos and everybody just cracked up-- there she is! That’s the one!
And photos gave my cousin away also–it was SO obvious that they were a couple after him being a long time bachelor. And with age difference too which is usually a red flag. The entire family knew long before the announcement was made that they’d be married. The happiness was glowing.
With ds2, he hasn’t found the one, but I knew who wasn’t the one. She had been a longtime friend while he was with someone else in college. When he broke up with the first girl, I knew he and the second girl would get together and knew it would be a disaster. It was.
I was not sad when ds and the gf who flew down to meet and stay with us for three nights broke up only a week later. I was sad FOR him, because he was sad, but I just couldn’t see it after meeting her. I said not one disparaging thing about her because one ever knows if they could circle back to each other. However, when we moved him to grad school ten days ago, I asked how he was doing with the break-up, and he said he had gotten over it pretty quickly. So, I don’t expect any circling back.
DD2 spent most of college dating HS boyfriend but best friends with current boyfriend. When they finally started dating each other, all their friends thought it was about time, with one saying he never knew two people so fit for each other. Before that, DH had been wishing for her to have current boyfriend because he felt he would be like the son he never had. And after the two of them spent the summer in DD1’s city this year she declared that he better never leave. We all think this is it. I like that they spent a couple years as just friends.
DD1’s current relationship is too new but there have just been some specific things that have really struck us already, in a good way.
It helps that both girls talk about this stuff all the time- gushing or complaining as the case may be, and asking my thoughts, so I’ve been very clued in to their feelings on the various BFs.
