My dad says he knew by our third date. That was well before we knew! We were 16 at the time and have been married 30 years.
My parents said recently they knew my sister had met “the one” when she told them he existed, but she was in her 30’s.
With our own kids I wouldn’t say we’ve known. Our daughter also met her husband at 16 and things looked promising then but they had to last through several years of long distance in college. We never had reservations about this guy though. He did seem a keeper all along.
Our other kids haven’t met “the one” yet, that we know of. We’ve had one “promising, but with reservations” candidate that didn’t work out. The reservations were hard to quantify because we liked this person a lot.
I’d say I’ll be looking for them to be able to be themselves and happy together at a deep level.
We only ever met one person that S was dating and no one D has dated. S is now engaged to the one person he introduced us to over 5 years ago. They are very happy together and we like her and she seems to like us and the extended family members she’s met so far and she get along well also.
We were delighted S wanted to bring the woman he had been dating to dinner with us when we visited him in DC.
My spouse and I always say how lucky we are that we love our in-laws!
I didn’t think about my now-spouses’ parents - maybe I would have had I seen any questionable behavior from them. But now I totally get parents’ concerns when they meet the potential in-laws.
I joke about how (now as an adult) I totally get arranged marriages.
I love my husband, but his family has been the bane of our existence almost from day one. Honestly, if I had been able to see early on the lasting damaging effects of his family dynamics, mostly from his mom, I may have moved on. We definitely warned our son about paying close attention to potential in-laws and figuring that relationship into the marriage calculus. It doesn’t go away.
We definitely warned our son about paying close attention to potential in-laws and figuring that relationship into the marriage calculus. It doesn’t go away.
My mom had serious issues with my dad’s parents (of course I don’t know how similar to what you have gone thru). My dad was told by a counselor he had to choose: his wife or his parents. He chose my mom. The upshot was my siblings and I never knew anyone on my dad’s side of the family. I have an aunt I’ve never met, ditto with 2 first cousins and any other relatives on that side, and my grandparents. So in some sense it went away although the resolution is hardly one to be happy about.
It’s very sad when a person is forced to choose between a spouse and family of origin. I’m grateful that none of us were forced to make that choice in my extended family and we all seem pretty close to relatives and in-laws.
I agree with the sentiment about in-laws. You marry a person’s entire family. My mil’s mil was a very cold person. I think my mil very much used the sentiment of, “you’re never useless if you can serve as a bad example.”
Now, my mil is NOT perfect - y’all have heard my complaints on here about her snarky comments, but she isn’t, “cold,” at all and has always been very accepting of me overall. If I am ever a mil, I won’t be perfect either! And what bugs one person will roll off the back of another.
The nuclear family dynamic of the now defunct gf ds brought to meet us in August was troubling. She was an only, but her parents had been separated a long time, and the dad had a, “gf” of his own. I certainly didn’t know all the details, but it was definitely not an ideal situation and one that could have been fraught with issues. Issues with parents can trickle down into one’s own relationships. Trust challenges, insecurity, etc.
You are going to have to deal with a life partner’s family unless all ties have been cut.
I think parents is a very important factor. Specially if they live in the same city as the couple. The long distance parents is a different story but the family dynamics growing up is still important. I also think it’s really important not to put a love one in the middle between MIL and DIL. If you really love your husband or your son you will do anything in your power not to make him choose.
My MIL did not like me and was not nice to me until she started living in a retirement home. For some reason she really mellowed after that and was pretty nice to everyone. She lived in Bermuda so we only saw her once a year at the very most when she was alive since we are in California. I never let it bother me that my MIL wasn’t nice to me since I have wonderful parents that live within an hour and a half of us and they were the grandparents that spent a lot of time with our girls when they were growing up.
