<p>Hello CC'ers,Merry Christmas!!!!!!!, this is my essay that normally gives me a 10! In fact I use this same 5 paragraph format, with an intro, 3 body, and have receives scores of 10, 10, and 9 on the past three SAT examinations. What changes/improvements could I make for a score of 11/12? Because I really want a higher essay score as it makes up for the few MC questions i get incorrect.</p>
<p>Here is a copy of my essay: Prompt: Are heroes defined as real people who say what they think or not?</p>
<p>Heroes should be defined as people who say what they think.
In other words, the ability to formulate and express inner thoughts when others lack the courage to do so, can be a betterment and be beneficial to the world and society. Throughout society, life, and literature, the evidence to support this statement is pervasive.
Consider the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court is the place where laws are propitiated and enacted to be passed by the Senate and Congress by a vote according to the House of Representatives who either agree or disagree with the law presented. In order to pass a law, people who are heroes on the panel will speak out as to why a certain law should or should not be passed; when others will lack the brevity and courage to do so. Because of this act of heroism, the law has passed, because he asserted his position, took a stand for what he believed in, without caring about being penalized or beleaguered by his colleagues. This law made the world a better place.
Next consider the literary classic The Grapes of Wrath. In his novel, F. Scott Fitzgerald introduces us to his fearless and assertive character Ma Joad. Throughout the course of the novel, we see how Ma Joad steers the family through numerous hinderances and impediments, specifically, the one in which the men are looking for jobs. Ma is never disheartened and makes family decisions constantly for their betterment and to ensure that they find jobs farther West. Ma is essentially a source of inspiration for the family because she speaks her mind and no one else has the courage to speak and goes along with her. Ma is a headstrong, steadfast leader. She makes the decision to leave the Weedpatch camp in search of jobs for the men.
Lastly, throughout my personal life, heroism has been a key factor to my success on cross country. Being captain of the varsity team at my school, I put my confidence and vigor into perspective. I speak my mind during meets. I come up, and formulate conniving tactics, and maneuvers to vanquish my opponents in every race and instruct my fellow teammates to do so as well, to ensure that we will win the championship. Others may lack the courage, but I speak my mind openly.
Clearly the above examples show that there is an increased need for heroes in the world today, more than ever. Due to the new laws being pased, heroes are needed to ensure that proper laws are ratified to the U.S. Constitution, and not faulty, fraudulent laws. In additon, heroes come in handy during atlethic competitions during cross country where a person needs to step up to gain a victory by means of stratagem, and in times of crisis such as in the The Grapes of Wrath. All in all, heroism leads to a more harmonious and progressive society.</p>
<p>Some reasons I think you didn’t score an 11 or 12/suggestions for improvement:</p>
<p>-I would consider rewording your topic sentences. I think the way you have them now makes them seem sort of informal.
-Some incorrect word choice, like “brevity” and “propitiated”
-Some awkward sentence structure/fragments: “should or should not be passed; when others will lack the brevity and courage to do so.” (the clause after the semicolon should be independent), “proper laws are ratified to the U.S. Constitution, and not faulty, fraudulent laws” (awkwardly worded)
-I would consider directly referencing the word “hero” in all your paragraphs; you neglected to do this in your 2nd and 3rd body paragraphs even though it’s a key element of your thesis.
-I think saying “clearly the above examples show…” is a poor way to conclude the essay…I just think it’s really amateur and could be reworded.
-A small thing: even though I always use a personal example for one of my paragraphs, I avoid using the 1st person in all paragraphs except that one. I just think it sounds more formal to use the 3rd person as much as possible. You don’t do that here.</p>
<p>Overall, though, it has solid ideas. Fixing the few minor things would probably give it an 11 or 12. :)</p>
<p>hey thx for taking time to read my essay
i will fix those minor things,</p>
<p>i really want an 11 or 12 because with a 11 i can miss 1 and get 800
and with 12 i can miss 2 and still get 800! wohoo!</p>
<p>wait invisible i used 3rd person the whole time except for the personal example i dont get what u mean</p>
<p>Informal how do i make it formallllllllllllllll</p>
<p>“F. Scott Fitzgerald introduces us to his fearless…”
“we see how Ma Joad steers the family…”</p>
<p>Both of those are examples in which you used the 1st person. Avoid using “we” and “us.”</p>
<p>To make it more formal:
-As I mentioned, change the format of the topic sentences so that they are not commands. I wouldn’t use any commands in my essay at all.
-For example, “I come up, and formulate conniving tactics” is unclear; it would be more formal to change “come up” to another word… (you meant come up WITH, right?)</p>
<p>Overall, formality increases as awkwardness decreases and as clarity increases.</p>
<p>The College Board’s example essays that received scores of 6 (from each grader) had lots of colloquialisms and uses of the first person.</p>
<p>Well I’m not saying you can’t use the first person or colloquialisms, but I think essays sound better without them and are more likely to receive higher scores. Like saying “I came up with a plan and went through with it” could sound better as “I formulated a plan and executed it immediately” or something. Idk…I got a 12 without 1st person/heavy use of colloquialisms.</p>
<p>I agree with Invisible Monsters comments. Also, I’m sure this is just a typo, but John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath.</p>
<p>please help me edit this i made some significant changes i hope it works out!!!</p>
<p>Here is a copy of my essay: Prompt: Are heroes defined as real people who say what they think or not?</p>
<pre><code> Heroes should be defined as people who say what they think.
</code></pre>
<p>In other words, the ability to formulate and express inner thoughts when others lack the courage to do so, can be a betterment and be beneficial to the world and society. Throughout society, life, and literature, the evidence to support this statement is pervasive.
The Supreme Court is the place where laws are enacted to be passed by the Senate and Congress by a vote according to the House of Representatives who either agree or disagree with the law presented. In order to pass a law, people who are heroes on the panel will speak out as to why a certain law should or should not be passed, when others will lack the courage to do so. Because of this act of heroism, the law has passed, because he asserted his position, took a stand for what he believed in, without caring about being penalized or beleaguered by his colleagues. This law made the world a better place. The hero in this scenario is the man who voiced his opinion on whether the law should be passed when others feared to do so.
The literary classic The Grapes of Wrath. In his novel, introduces us to his fearless and assertive character Ma Joad. Throughout the course of the novel, we see how Ma Joad steers the family through numerous hinderances and impediments, specifically, the one in which the men are looking for jobs. Ma is never disheartened and makes family decisions constantly for their betterment and to ensure that they find jobs farther West. Ma is essentially a source of inspiration for the family because she speaks her mind and no one else has the courage to speak and goes along with her. Ma is a headstrong and steadfast leader. She makes the decision to leave the Weedpatch camp in search of jobs for the men. Ma Joad is the true hero of this novel.
Lastly, throughout my personal life, heroism has been a key factor to my success on cross country. Being captain of the varsity cross country team at my school, I put my confidence and vigor into perspective. I speak my mind during meets. I come up with ways to vanquish my opponents in every race and instruct my fellow teammates to do so as well, to ensure that we will win the championship. Others may lack the courage, but I speak my mind openly. I think of myself as the hero of this varsity cross country team.
There is an increased need for heroes in the world today, more than ever. Due to the new laws being passed, heroes are needed to ensure that laws are properly passed and that the laws are passed by a bicameral legislature. In addition, heroes come in handy during athletic sport competitions such as cross country where a person needs to step up to gain a victory by means of leadership and strategy, and in times of crisis such as in The Grapes of Wrath. All in all, heroism leads to a more harmonious and progressive society.</p>