What does it take?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>To make a very long story short, my father is very verbally abusive. He cannot get along with anyone and picks fights for minor reasons. He has fought with me and my siblings before (mostly arguments that involve tons of yelling and ignoring each other for weeks at a time) to the extent that it is affecting us as individuals. He can never go a few days without starting a fight with my mom. Most of us get involved in the arguments because we know what he is saying in the arguments are lies and can't help but blur things out. </p>

<p>Dad also does not contribute as a father. My mom pays everything in the household, rent, electric, water, etc. you name it – she pays for it. She has asked him to pay his part but he changes the subject every time she brings it up. It is like my mother is trying to raise another child in the family.</p>

<p>This has resulted in me and my older sister taking over his duties as the man in the house. My mom depends on both of us to the extent where is affecting my relationship with her. As a teenager, I have never had the freedom to be one. I am tired of it and want to separate from this dysfunctional family.</p>

<p>If I was in my mom’s situation, divorce would be filed the minute I’d get ahold of the those papers. She agrees that he is the problem (and consciously says it) but claims she can’t do anything about it. We (me and my older sister) have talked to her about him and how he is affecting us but she does not seem to care. We are losing a lot of respect for her. I have no respect in her as she continues to put us (her children) through all this verbal abuse and the act of depending on us to do everything my dad is supposed to be doing. She claims things will “turn around in the future” and to be honest, that is the s******* thing I’ve heard her say. Nothing is going to change without any effort of enforcing change.</p>

<p>I will be a rising freshman this fall and despite the financial issues we are having in the family, I chose to attend the cheapest state university. This is an attempt to get away from the whole situation as I will be dorming on campus. I will dread the days I have to go back home during breaks. I also feel bad that my siblings are being put through the issues my parents have. They are being put through the same events I have been through while growing up.</p>

<p>At the moment, I want nothing to do with either of my parents. I have kept that thought in my head since a high school freshman. This whole problem however, has been going on since my elementary days (as far as I can remember) but only realized as a freshman what the extent of everything is. Lately, however, it has gotten quite extreme and unbearable.</p>

<p>I want to move out permanently on my own but realize that I don’t even know if it’s possible (that is, not returning to live at home for good). I don’t think I have the time to work a full time job while I attend school. I don’t feel like I know what’s out there yet to be an adult. </p>

<p>What does it take to blank your parents out at an age where I am still considered a “young adult”? Financially, emotionally, etc.? Is it even possible?</p>

<p>*** I purposefully put this in the parent thread to seek the advice of actual parents to read their perspective. Please also forgive me if any of the above offends anyone, I have been through a lot and am speaking my mind as it is. I am fed up with the situation and feel like I’m ready to move on but the thoughts of doing so are scary (hope you understand what I mean).</p>

2

<p>Congratulations to you for persevering in the face of a very difficult situation. I don’t have direct experience with the situation you are describing, but strongly urge you to seek free or low-cost counseling–there should be something available on your campus. This can help you sort out the difficult emotional and financial challenges you have been facing, and choose the best path toward establishing independence from your dysfunctional parents.</p>

<p>I have no doubt that there are adults at your college–counselors, professors, etc.–who would help you if they knew the details of your situation. Seek them out. Good luck.</p>

3

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<ol>
<li><p>For financial aid purposes at college, I don’t think there is any way to blank out your parents until you are 24.</p></li>
<li><p>Certainly you can live independently of your parents. To do so, you would need to have sufficient income to support ALL of your expenses. This might mean working full time and going to school part time to get your college degree. BUT really, you would need to be self supporting to completely “blank out” your parents.</p></li>
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<p>Free advice, you are going to college, and you will not be home very much. Perhaps your perspective will change once you are not there all the time.</p>

4

<p>I do know how you feel. While my step father was not the freeloader your dad is, he certainly was abusive verbally during the years my mom was married to him, which was between the ages of seven and fifteen. She finally divorced him, but he left a lot of scars.
There also was the resentment you feel toward your mom as well, in that we felt she didn’t do enough to protect my brother and I from his harassment and abuse.</p>

<p>While you can’t “blank out” your parents, you can make yourself scarce. Once you are in college, you won’t have to spend much time at home. You can get internships on campus during breaks, work during the summer that takes you away from home, and generally consider yourself out from under their daily drama. It will be easier not having to come home every night to an unpredictable and unstable situation. You’ll gain strength and purpose, and find that life can be fun and rewarding- something that has probably eluded you for some time.
Your mom may leave your dad at some point. Right now she has other children at home, and she may feel overwhelmed by the possibility of going it alone. When the youngest kids are older, she may find she has the strength to leave. I know it’s not how it should be, but it is what it is.</p>

<pre><code>You’re lucky in that you’re getting out soon. But don’t make it harder on yourself than it has to be by cutting them out altogether if your mom is helping financially with school. Find a job you can do part time while you’re in college so that you don’t have to depend on your parents for anything other than tuition assistance. This is very doable if you budget your time and don’t spend frivolously.
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<p>Good luck. Know that your life will only get better.</p>

5

<p>I was in your situation in the late 60’s, and chose to be on my own rather than remain tied to my family through their payments for school. I got myself a room in the city and a job in a cafeteria, then a bookstore. This decision has greatly affected my life, and still is.</p>

<p>If you can stand it, I suggest you let your parents (meaning mother, apparently) pay for your school, go to college, and finish. That is the best long term route to independence from them. During breaks, you can work on campus, or go home with friends, if need be.</p>

<p>Counseling is often available on campuses. I don’t know what your health insurance covers, but counseling is really invaluable at a transition time like this. You will find that as you are in the process of leaving, you will feel more aware of the family dynamic than you were in the past, when you could not really afford to feel or perceive everything. Having adapted to a bad situation out of necessity for many years, you will benefit from talking to someone as you start a new situation that is healthier. It is an adjustment.</p>

<p>One other thing: if, for any reason, the money is not there for full-time school, and after you have pursued financial aid, just know there are many ways to finish school. The grand majority of students are actually “non-traditional.” You can always take classes part-time. Once you are 24, aid will depend on your income and you will also be eligible for programs for “adult learners” that are very accommodating.</p>

<p>For now, let’s hope you can go f/t and live on campus, avail yourself of counseling, finish in 4 years, and start to heal well so that you can move forward. Eventually, you will be able to forgive, but it may be a long path. Good luck.</p>

6

<p>It feels much better that many of you can relate! Hopefully, I will have more options as I get older. Working on campus sounds like a great idea to avoid going home.</p>

<p>For FA, I was eligible to borrow $3000 in excess of the Sub/unsb loans for a total of $8500 because parents were not eligible to have any loans under their names (Parent PLUS). My mom is also using the tax returns of $5000 to supplement any costs I may need to cover in the so I know she is supportive of my education. On top of that, I received a scholarship that would cover tuition. I am quite thankful for the funds she is willing to give but feel bad that she has to sacrifice those funds with her financial situation out of the loop. She has offered to pay for the loans I needed to borrow but can’t see it happening as she lives from paycheck to paycheck. I am known as being the frugal one in the family and have been trying to teach her my skills as I observe where her money goes (too many wasteful spending). She is starting to understand but still has a long way to go. I think these skills could help my younger siblings in the future. My father is a different story, we have no idea where he spends his bi-weekly paychecks and we can only assume. He, no doubt, will be out of my life once I get older. No support whatsoever from him and can only think of himself and his parents/ relatives. He is not that good of a person and I wouldn’t mind leaving him behind.</p>

<p>I’d be willing to seek counseling once I get on campus. I think I’ll need the extra support and would like to free myself of the heavy load on my chest by talking to someone about the problems I have. Thanks, all!</p>

7

<p>Yes - see a counselor in college. You might also try the technique of telling both your parents you don’t want to listen to their complaints about the other one, etc. Your mom has put you in the middle of their marriage for a long time - relying on you to do your dad’s things and obviously belittling him to you and making sure you are on your mom’s side. While that might be quite reasonable, it’s still not right to put you in that position. So perhaps just say to her or him… when drama happens… this is really not my business, and try to be as univolved, distant from it as you can. Advise your siblings to do the same. You kids should have as little involvement in their problems as possible - not be divorce marriage counselors to them, etc. You could suggest your mom get a counselor.</p>

8

<p>^ Believe me, we have asked them to stop fighting while we are around but it still happens. It’s also difficult to ignore while we are in our rooms. We can’t really leave the house as we don’t really have any close friends, neighbors, or relatives to go to while they argue. Our neighbors think we are some crazy family with arguments coming from the house almost everyday, they rarely, if ever, talk to us. Many of our relatives and friends are keeping their distance from our family and many can see why. They have made us into anti-social beings with their actions. They also aren’t the parents who would be open to counseling; they think it is a waste of time and that it’s not for them - for lack of a better explanation.</p>

<p>I mean, he is a grown man and makes me wonder what is going on in his mind; he has a family to support! Is he doing everything on purpose? Does he not know his duties as a father? He needs to go back to his parents to mature, seriously. When I leave, I just hope he realizes everything. It’s making me depressed just thinking about it, I apologize for the rant.</p>