We have one child, and this fall she will may be going to a college far from home. And even if she stays close to home, we know our life’s about to dramatically change. She has been the center of our universe for the past 18 years, and although I know she’ll still be a huge part of our lives, we know it’s going to be different. Right now, we’re focused on the sequence of anxieties that defines senior year, and so far, we’ve managed to avoid having to face the sadness that awaits. Already we feel her impending absence.
So… for those of you who have lived through this, how bad is it? What do you do to make it less bad?
focus on the positives. Do you work? I have found it so helpful to throw myself into work a little more. Also as I tell people for me the best part of bring an empty nester is this: Guess what I’m having for dinner? I have no idea!! ( and don’t need to, is the point)
Am I the only one who is looking forward to it? All of my empty nester friends are having FUN! Time to make your spouse the center of your universe. I’m also looking to some peace and quiet with my dog! She doesn’t talk back and treat me with disdain! I LOVE my kids, devoted myself to them, but I’m ready for the next chapter. And more importantly, they are ready for ME to move on. I know everyone is different but my friends who I expected to have a tough time with it( one with an only child) are having a ball!
It is not “bad” but it is an adjustment. You do have to focus on the pros and the excitement that comes from hearing about your now adult child’s life unfolding. No matter what the distance (our only daughter goes to school on the east coast US and we live in Asia) texting and Skype video chats really help.
The pain and joys that come with the process are all part of being in a loving relationship.
Mom of an only here… TBH- the 1st year was a true adjustment period. I don’t think there IS a way to avoid a sense of sadness that comes from change, nor do I think you SHOULD avoid it. It’s a transition, and deserves respect. BUT- change isn’t necessarily bad. It has been fun to rediscover some of my “not mom” parts of myself
Thank you all for taking the time to respond and share your insights and advice. Yes, I do try to focus on the opportunities that come with change. And I look forward to redefining my relationship with my child as she ventures into the next phase of her life, and I into mine. For me, every phase of our life together has brought its own set of challenges and adjustments, and that’s been one of the great joys of being a parent. I’m just trying to steel myself for what lies ahead, so I’m not a complete wreck when it comes.
There are a lot of feelings bundled up in this experience and it is helpful to try to separate them. First is the sadness of missing your kid, which you get used to, but for me didn’t totally go away. Then there is a feeling of a new transition in your life, but you may not be exactly sure what this brings, or you may not even want it. To address this, it can be a good idea to find a little thing to transition to. Someone mentioned throwing yourself more into work, or it could be reading more, taking a class, setting up a regular lunch date with friends. Then there is this melancholy feeling or sense of ennui, that you are getting older, accompanied by perhaps a little sense of longing for your child’s childhood years. It’s one of those where did the time go moments. For this feeling, it’s nice to focus on your child as an adult and look forward to the relationship you can/will have with him/her as an adult vs child. Then for me, I had this other feeling that my child was going on a wonderful journey and it was really the first time that I wasn’t going on that journey with her in some way too. That one, for me was hardest and I’m still grappling with that. But I try to relish in the moments where she does lean on me for advice or call with a fun story or a successful accomplishment, or when I hear her say she is so happy with her college choice - then I know that I did a pretty good job raising her, and that helps.
For me, knowing that it was time to let my birds fly and have their own adventures was important. You’ll still see them for breaks and if you are lucky they may be around summers. (My oldest got internships on the opposite coast from sophomore year on.) Our youngest graduated from college a year and a half ago and has been in our attic for the last year. Internships don’t pay NYC rents. He’s actually about to head off to Officer Candidate School, and now we really will have an empty nest.
My job and volunteering kept me busy. DH and I try to do more stuff together.
I love having the kids out of the house. LOVE. IT.
Some of it is “absence makes the heart grow fonder”.
Some of it is a thousand little irritations gone — mostly having to do with sharing a house and yard with young adults who do not care to contribute to its cleaning or maintenance. I come home from work and there are not 20 pairs of womens shoes strewn about the mudroom, no dirty dishes in the sink, no one has eaten the last something in the fridge and failed to replace it, laundry is under control, the cars have gas, etc.
This feels like ME time, after a long hiatus of taking care of others. No only do I feel like I have more time to myself, but I can see that in a few years, the money we earn will be ours again too, instead of going to the kids. It brings exciting possibilities.
Lastly, with my youngest off to college for the first time this past August, I sense my nerves are getting a chance to heal. I worry less. I feel less anxious. It’s nice to not be “on call” 24/7.
I have 2 high school seniors, and one 20 year old who is still living at home. They have all been difficult lately and I am so looking forward to August, when they will all be leaving for college. Actually, my 13 year old and I can barely wait. @Midwest67 I “liked” your post once but would do so 100 times if I could!
I don’t have an only, but when my last went off to college this fall, he was the last departure in a period of months that included my mother and sister’s deaths and my daughters both leaving home for good reasons.
I was absolutely destroyed with grief and fear and loneliness before he left. Could barely function.
But when he left, I remembered what I should have known from my older girls, which is that there is a whole new and exciting relationship with the student. It doesn’t involve the day to day things, although sometimes it can. It involves sharing his new life and cheering him on with all the good things. My kids and I are very close, and I hear from all of them in various ways every day. Sometimes my son will text me a photo of the food that he is eating or Facetime me in the morning to ask “does this tie go with this shirt?” My daughters did similar things.
And the empty nest with my husband turned out to be fun. It’s cheaper to go out for meals, so we do it more often, and we can eat casually whatever and whenever we want. We aren’t accountable to anyone on a daily basis, and we remembered why we fell in love in the first place. the house is always spotless and we focus all of our attention and creativity on each other. For me, the lead up was the time that I grieved and worked through many painful things, but by the time my son actually went to college, I was able to be excited for him and ready to see what he would do with his opportunities. HOWEVER, the act of actually walking away from my last child on move-in day at college was so fraught, so painful and so surreal that I felt like I was having an out of body experience. But once we got off campus and the deed was done, I was ok. By the end of the first month, I was confident in the decision and totally back on my feet.
Whatever you feel is just fine. And I would like to congratulate you on your success with raising a daughter who is prepared to go off and make a wonderful life, and also on raising a child whom you like enough to know that you will miss!
My middle is a senior and I also have a sophmore in high school. Dh and I will have our 25th wedding anniversay the month before she starts college. I’m already planning a winter vacation to celebrate! I’m thinking a two week Italian cruise would be my dream come true. It already helps to have something to look forward to (although to be honest I tear up just thinking about losing my baby girl!)
@threebeans and @babyflyingthecoop , trust me when I say this: thinking about your child leaving is worse than when they actually go. I would get tearful for months before she went to college. Then, once she was at college, that disappeared, which was a relief. The worst time was the couple of days after drop-off. Yes, I still cry sometimes, but the run up to her leaving was made much worse by me thinking about it all the time. I really wish I hadn’t spent so much time feeling sorry for myself.
On that note, I will say this for both your benefits: don’t try to maximize “quality time” with your child before they head to college. I did that. I regret it. I would say things to the effect of “let’s hang out, you won’t be here in two weeks” etc… I focussed way too much on her being gone instead of thinking about how she was feeling. Because she knew I was feeling blue, she didn’t want to tell me how worried she was, then had a meltdown before leaving. I was selfish about it, but I didn’t realize at the time. Don’t be like I was
Yes, @Lindagaf has a great point. It is the DREADING of the upcoming change that is the hard part. It is looking into the unknown and being terrified of it. What if … this or that happens? It will be whatever it is, good, bad, a little of both probably.
There will be growth, there will be setbacks, and you as a parent can set a tone for tackling new situations so your child has a positive attitude heading off to college. You acknowledge that it will be a little uncomfortable having to make new friends and become independent, but the benefits of doing so will be great.
So, drink in all this advice. Make plans for a BRIEF grieving period after you drop off at college, and then switch gears and do fun things you have been putting off for years.
I love zooserom’s post. “…there is a whole new and exciting relationship with the student. It doesn’t involve the day to day things, although sometimes it can. It involves sharing his new life and cheering him on with all the good things.”
And if you can manage to do the college years reasonably well, then there’s the same good pattern after they graduate.
Texting is nice. We tried to not overdo it, or we’d follow their leads.
