What should I include in my essays? What should I write about?

College Essays
1

Hello! I am a senior applying to engineering at UCs and Cal States, and I feel as though my essays will determine whether I will get in or not. My question is. what should I be writing about? How much is too personal?

I am gonna try and summarize this without giving my identity away, but here’s what I have experienced and what I am currently writing about.

I am writing an essay about my colorblindness and how that has affected me since I found out
One about my passion for computer science
One about my experience as color guard captain
One about my experience as a lifeguard & swim instructor.

There are other aspects of my life that I feel I should maybe include? However I’m not sure. They range from things like eating disorders, an OCD diagnosis, unemployment before high school, etc. I also have 9 years of swimming under my belt, 4 of which on my high school’s varsity swim team (a very competitive team, most members on varsity go to NCS), however I don’t mention it at all besides my swimming awards from a summer league.

Should I replace an essay with my athleticism? Or maybe my mental struggles? What do you guys think?

2

Absolutely not your mental health issues. I kind of like the color guard one the best. If you can “show, not tell” what it is like and why you like it so much, and maybe if you have any stories about experiences that helped you grow, that might be something.

3

Color guard gives you a chance to show how you persist, get along with peers, function on a team, grow (as intparent said,) and enjoy it. All the top schools want to learn a kid can be dedicated, resilient, has good interpersonal skills, and can be in it for the team, not just himself. Maybe you find another topic that works the same.

Don;t give them reasons to worry- either about your mental health or your judgment.

4

Alright sweet, thank you so much for the device. So I shouldn’t use my mental health as an “excuse” (for lack of better word) for my lower than average gpa?

5

What do you mean by “show, not tell”?

6

Basically, it means that as they read it, they can see the attributes. Not just, "And then I became more confident, " but an example that shows it in some way. Otherwise, you’re asking them to just believe what you claim.

Find affordable colleges for the stats you do have. You can try a reach. But explaining too much about mental issues can make them wonder.

7

Hi MrDanneh,

Just wanted to reply here.

You don’t have to listen to people who say you can’t write about mental health in your essays. Thousands upon thousands of college applicants do this every year and get admitted into top universities such as Harvard and Stanford.

In regards to using mental health as an excuse for poor grades, you might need to elaborate more on how mental health affected your grades, to what extent, what action you took to receive treatment and whether your grades improved after receiving treatment. In other words, look at mental health as something you grew from, not an excuse.

I’m more than happy to help you if you have any questions and my help is completely free.

8

Otto, I dont know if you’re a student or post college adult. But having mental health issues is in no way an attribute colleges look for. Nor do they want an explanation why your grades are below their bar. That doesn’t change poor grades to good ones.

Please consider what colleges do look for. Not just anecdotes.

9

@lookingforward you don’t need to get personal here, especially when you are the one giving false advice. There are thousands of students who submit essays on mental health and get admitted each year. Please explain why that is?

Colleges are looking for a variety of characteristic traits in applicants and diversity plays a huge factor. Not everyone has to be the star at kickball or excellent public speakers. Colleges do look for applicants who have overcome difficulties in life and mental health has every right to be one of those difficulties. No one should deny others the right to write about what truly matters to them just because they don’t know how to write about the topic.

10

The last thing colleges want to do is admit students who might experience mental health issues while on campus. Even a student who thinks they have them well under control may have them return at a later date, and admissions officers know that. Most students have multiple aspects of their personalities that they can write about. Why select one that is a strike against you in the admissions process? Save it for your therapist, blog, diary, or supportive friends. Don’t waste the real estate you have to make a positive impression on an admissions officer on something that probably reduces your chance of admissions. “Diversity” does not extend to mental health issues.

11

Oh boy Otto. Pretend I’m an AO at Harvard. Do I admit the kid with amazing grades, test scores, and mental health issues, or the kid with amazing grades, test scores and no mental health issues? Sure, thousands of kids write about that, but they do NOT, by and large, get into top colleges by writing about their grades being subpar due to their mental health.

I do essay advising professionally. I’ve had students admitted to a lot of wonderful colleges, including some with >10% acceptance rates. I have had one student write about her mental illness, and she did a good enough job, but I don’t recommend anyone choose it as a topic. She wasn’t aiming high, and she absolutely wanted to write about it. She wrote about eventually making friends with someone at the residential treatment program she was in. Her original essay was literally so full of anger and fear that I could feel my heart racing as I read it. That kind of essay helps no one get in.

My favorite essays have ALL been about something the student was truly passionate about. One girl wrote about candlelight and her love for her religion. A guy wrote about his fear of mannequins as a young kid and wanting to create prosthetics to help people. Another guy wrote about his trip doing research in a very rural and isolated mountain community. I can say honestly that the kids who write about something important to them that helps shed light on their personality fare better in admissions than the students who insist on writing about their parents’ divorce, or why they didn’t get good grades, or a major illness.

Bottom line, colleges want to admit kids who can succeed in their school. They want revenue, high retention rates, high graduation rates and good reputations for keeping students on campus. Students with mental health issues are far more likely to drop out, fail, transfer, miss class, not be involved in campus life, require extra resources on campus, etc… They know that mental health issues can recur.

There is nothing wrong with having a mental health issue. Pointing it out to the people who want to see if you are a good fit for their college is not a good idea. Furthermore, are you a person who worked through a mental health issue, admirably showing determination and resiliency, like the thousands of others who will write the same thing? Or are you a person who plays harmonica at a retirement home on Sunday afternoons, researches insects in his spare time, loves April Fool’s day, and helps his little brother rake leaves so they can both jump in the pile? I know who I’d rather admit. College want to admit people they LIKE. Be more than just your mental illness.

12

at intparent: this forum shouldn’t be turned into a huge debate, but I feel compelled to voice my opinion so students with mental health issues can get other perspectives.

Simply copying and pasting responses proves lack of empathy for students with mental health.

unfortunately many people, even professional writers, simply do not know how to write about mental health because they have not experienced mental health themselves. they simply do not understand and can’t relate to it at all.

Mental health can actually be viewed as an incredible growth story. Let’s take general anxiety for example. A student with anxiety might be afraid to speak up in class, participate in group activities and almost certainly has stage fright. Imagine the struggle of trying to learn in school.

So if a student really worked had at managing their anxiety, maybe even received professional help for it and got to the point where they could give a speech in front of the class, that’s a huge accomplishment that deserves being written about in a college application essay. A student who writes about their mental health illnesses can demonstrate characteristic traits such as honesty, resilience, intelligence… colleges need students like that on their campuses.They also represent someone who could offer peer-support to others suffering from mental health illnesses, which amounts to over 25% of the student population.

feel free to PM if anyone has any questions about this. thanks

13

If you want to reduce your odds of getting into college… go right ahead. Colleges don’t want students who might be less likely to finish their degrees, absorb large amounts of campus resources like health services, take time from housing and academic deans, or in extreme cases might self harm or harm others. Selective schools will turn these students down almost every time if they are aware. Colleges are businesses (even if they are non-profits), and have to watch out for their reputations and costs. You are fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

14

Otto, you can write about any topic and illustrate those things. It doesn’t have to be mental health. Feel free to write about your anxiety, depression, eating disorder, etc…Just don’t be surprised if you don’t get in. It’s not that a student can’t write about those things. It’s that 99.9% of students can’t write about those things well, in way that makes them seem likable, in a way that makes and AO want to say “admit.”

@mrdanneh to address your earlier question, showing means writing in a way that allows the reader to visualize what he reads. So don’t just tell us that you went fishing with your dad. Show us that you put the blue and red lures on fishing line, and cast out far from your boat in the middle of a still lake, and that you got a tangle in your reel and the fish broke your line and the trout your dad caught managed to get away just as he was about to take it out of the net.

For any students reading this, I strongly encourage you to listen to the advice of myself, @lookingforward and @intparent. We all have a reasonably good idea of what we are talking about.

15

Several years ago, there was a national focus on campus suicides. Revealing depression, whether done artfully or otherwise, is a red flag to admissions officers.

16

“…thousands of students who submit essays on mental health and get admitted each year.” Not sure how anyone can support that statement. Or what colleges. I find it rare a kid can effectively spin this straw into gold. A number of us here are more involved, in different ways. I read apps. Kids have enough trouble writing on a good topic.

These are 17 year olds. I could write a proper essay on mental health. Lindagaf and intparent, too. Not some 17 year old hoping for understanding and with little perspective on life. Not a kid who’s never filled out an app package before or anything like it. This is NOT a high school essay, for a teacher who knows you.

It’s too risky.

This isn’t theoretical. This is the very real matter of wanting an admit. If one were applying for a job, would you say to go ahead and detail your hurdles? Or show best how you can fit and do what they ask.

OP, be savvy. Top colleges like savvy.

17

@Lindagaf

I strongly agree with nearly everything you have said on this thread. But I think this kind of advice is a bit problematic to kids whose strength is not in creative writing. This style of descriptive writing can look very stilted, trite and dull in the hands of a 17 year old kid trying to sound like Hemingway. I think for the math and science kids trying to tackle this hurdle, “show” not “tell” can reasonably be thought of as “prove” don’t “state.” So, it isn’t enough to say, “I’m passionate about chemistry.” You need to share the experiences that demonstrate the passion. On the other hand, I don’t think its really necessary that the AO can hear the tinkling of the pyrite beakers and smell the acrid stench of sulfer as the chemicals hovered over the bunson burner.

18

@gallentjill of course not every student can be creative. It’s good to prove, not state.

My point is that every student can find a more “visual” way of describing things. I mentioned that one of my favorite essays was by a girl who wrote about candlelight and her love for her religion. Her essay wasn’t just one long description of using candles as a metaphor for her religion. It was actually about her trip to a big religious youth conference overseas. She didn’t want it to sound like a travel guide about being in Eastern Europe, and was wary of sounding “privileged”, so she just focused on one particular part of the trip when all the participants held lit candles. She didn’t provide a lot of description, but instead wrote about how she felt at the moment. It was very sincere and heartfelt.

As you accurately stated, she shared the experience that demonstrate the passion.

19

In this case, show not just tell means evidence. Not flourish. I know Google describes SNT as somewhat flowery. But for admission to any top college, it means show proof. Not excessive, even a reference can do it. Or it can be worked in.

Not just, “Now I’m more tolerant.” But something where the reader can nod and see it for him/herself.

One of mine wrote about a transition. At the end, she had gone from competitive to collaborative . The example was backstage work and could make sense to the reader. You dont have to describe “the smell of the greasepaint, the roar of the crowd.”

But it depends on what colleges. OP included UC. And engineering hopes, but limited or no ECs in math-sci. The essay isn’t the place to take a wild shot.

20

at linda

To answer your question, the AOs of Harvard end up admitting at least 25% of students with a mental health issue, I’m sure they realize there is no way to avoid this. Also, college applicants have been admitted into Harvard, despite submitting essays on mental health - not sure how much higher they could have aimed here. If a top university admits students who write about mental health illnesses, it is safe to assume that lower ranking schools will admit applicants with the same essays too.

facts prove that colleges around the nation are pumping funds into mental health services. Staff are urging students to speak up and offer peer support. College AOs also explicitly state they will not discriminate against admitted students with mental health issues and that applicants are more than welcome to write about mental health if they choose to. Some top LACs have gone as far to encourage applicants to share their experiences with mental health in their college essays. I’m afraid college has changed since many advisers have attended and unfortunately students are not getting up-to-date guidance on the changes.

Using poor examples of essays that obviously wouldn’t get students admitted doesn’t prove students can’t write about mental health illness. What about the essays on mental health that get students admitted?

Whether or not I have a mental health issue isn’t relevant, there are millions of students out there who do and it affects their lives more than you would ever know. Maybe they want to write about how they overcame depression, so as to use your example, they can rake leaves with their little brother and actually enjoy jumping into it for once - there would be absolutely nothing wrong with that essay.

No one has authority in judging what people should be passionate about and there are plenty of people who are passionate about mental health. couple of professions come to mind - psychologists and psychiatrists.

Could you please explain what you mean by “colleges want to admit people who they LIKE”.

and essay advising professionally - this ain’t it chief

I help advise students on essays for FREE.