<p>In a few days I am going to a Christmas party which are two days apart, then a New Year's Eve party. My Mom doesn't want to see them neither, but alas, it's family and we have to show respect.
The problem is that I'm going to get a million questions about careers, my major and what college I'm going to. This will be their opportunity to either have a family member to brag about or look down upon to feel better about themselves. Most likely, the latter will happen because I have no special accomplishments to speak of. I wouldn't mind the former, although it may become overwhelming at times. :)</p>
<p>I go to a state college that nobody from outside of Long Island has heard of that has a mixed reputation within LI. This means that one half of everyone thinks it's better than it really is and the other half gives me snug looks or something resembling the "Oh" response.</p>
<p>Also, I do not know what career I want to pursue or even what major to transfer to after I finish my liberal arts degree next year. I was thinking Communications, Psychology, or Economics but I heard he salary for the first two are low and as for Economics, I'm just thinking of it to be finally safe. I just really hate being unsure of myself.</p>
<p>It's feels that if I don't say that I want to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or anything with good money or prospects, I feel like I have no business in college. All of those careers are either too competitive or I don't have the natural skills for it.</p>
<p>So what do I say to my family when they ask me these questions? I know they will as I rarely see my dad's side of the family and they'll be curious about me. I'm just tired of people assuming that I'm in high school all the time and thinking that I'm the younger sister. </p>
<p>Basically, how do I deal with less than flattering comments or expressions? I know it sounds dramatic, but how do I deal with the feeling that I'll be seen as nobody?</p>
<p>TA:
First of all your accomplishment is going to college and graduating. If your extended family does not see that as an accomplishment then the problem is theirs not yours. </p>
<p>Second, at 20 or 21 years old not that many people really know what they want to do with the rest of their life. Many think they do, but, if you poll a sample of 40 year olds you will find that most are not doing what they thought they would be doing when they were 21 years old. </p>
<p>Third, I am posting from a local paper a segment of the graduation speech given to a group of graduates at our local state college by the Gov. of our state. Read these words and take them to heart–and repeat them to your relatives. </p>
<p>Speaking at commencement ceremonies for the Warner College of Natural Resources at Colorado State University on Friday night, Ritter reminded graduates to pursue their passions rather than wealth or power.</p>
<p>“Creating wealth for the sake of being wealthy is a useless enterprise,” Ritter told members of the 96-student graduating class, the college’s 100th. “It can topple like a house of cards in months or days or even hours.”</p>
<p>He added: “Find your passion and go do it.”</p>
<p>TA you had mentioned before feeling socially anxious, and when that happens it can be so hard to think of the right things to say. And so I think you are on the right track by thinking in advance about what they might ask and what you can tell them. </p>
<p>I think it’s normal to not know what you want to do (and for many who think they do know what they want to do, they end up doing something else anyway!). </p>
<p>As for what you DO want to do, that doesn’t have to be decided before the party! Though I will add that you should not let lack of perceived future income, competitiveness or you lacking skills serve as barriers. There are lots and lots and lots of career options besides the obvious ones that one can earn a good living.I am someone who followed my passion into one of supposed ‘low pay’ careers and turns out I make a very good income and have had a wonderful career. I also don’t think you are in a position to judge your competence in these careers yet (you’ve had a hard go of it and it seems to have taken a toll on your esteem; not to mention, like most of us, we really don’t know what a career really requires in terms of skills). </p>
<p>That aside, I think you have a few choices with the relatives. One is to make something up and have fun with it. Pick whatever career at the moment sounds the most appealing (even if not ideal), and create a story around it. Think of what they might ask and plan the answers in advance to it. Do a bit of research beforehand. Who knows, you might find this will be a useful task for figuring out what you really want to do! An example might be…well I’m thinking of getting my MBA. My plan is after I graduate next year I need to gain about 3 years work experience to make myself competitive. So I am considering three different alternatives: I might take a volunteer job overseas (i found this organizatoin online, called X that finds internships for recent grads). I’m also thinking of moving to NYC for a year. Or maybe I will do X. Come up with some specifics. Another example… I’m thinking I would like to be a teacher. I think I’d really enjoy teaching elementary school… So I’m looking at applying to X for my certification…Another example… I think getting a masters in library science would be a great fit for me. I was reading about it, and apparently the average salary is X…</p>
<p>Another approach might be to turn the tables around so rather than feel like you are being cross-examined, get them to help you with some ideas. Come up with some specific ideas but be honest in saying you have not decided yet and would like their wisdom. This way they may be less likely to criticize and judge what you say, and more likely to offer opinions in a helpful way. So you might say, the three things you are thinking about are working in the fields of either psychology, communications or economics. Either for a job or for graduate studies. Then ask them what they see as some of the pros and cons of each, if they know anyone working in these areas, what kinds of positions are available in these fields. Everyone has an opinion and loves to share it. </p>
<p>I might also suggest that before going, psyching yourself up to realize that its not going to be as bad as you imagine it. I think you are harder on yourself than they would actually be. So what about lacking accomplishments? Even if you had stellar ones, it would be tacky to bring them up. You are in college and getting close to finishing your liberal arts degree and that is fabulous!! They haven’t seen you for awhile and you are not the same person you used to be. They will be amazed how much you have matured and grown. And they probably are truly interested in knowing what you are up to these days. </p>
<p>I think a lot of young people are in the same boat. Or a very similar vote. I mean if you were going to an elite school, some of your relatives would wonder why you’re spending all that money at a hoity-toity school when a local college is just fine.</p>
<p>You could mumble something about looking at a few different fields. It might work with some of your relatives, but others will press for more specifics and others will take it as invitation to dump advice and opinion on you.</p>
<p>Another approach is to tell your relatives that you’ve really enjoyed your _______ and ________ classes and plan to take more. And whatever your major ends up being you are developing analytical skills and broader understanding of the world that will be valuable in any career.</p>
<p>A third approach would be to turn the question back. “I’m not sure, Aunt Susie. How did you choose your major? Did it lead you to your current career field? Do you think I’d like it? Why or why not? How much of your job success is tied to what you learned in school, and how much is the result of experience?” This might have the unwanted advice problem, but if they can talk about themselves they might be less concerned about what you do.</p>
<p>Whatever approach you use, keep in mind that they likely are asking with the best intentions-- they care about and are interested in you.</p>
<p>learn the art of “spin”
See yourself as a successful college student and don’t see yourself as someone who goes to a no-name school and does not know what they want to do with their life. As others have pointed out, no one really knows what they will be doing down the road, least of all a student. But you can spin this to your favor, you can talk about all the opportunities that are now open to you and be (not just act) real excited about that fact, how college has opened it up for you and you have your choice of many things to go into (perhaps you will continue school, maybe you will see the world) Just BE excited and happy and they will come away with a good impression.</p>
<p>So all I mostly need to do is be confident and take advantage of the situation by having fun with it? LOL! CC is the best.
I just felt intimidated because I have cousins who are Ivy League grads and I did not want to be looked upon as lesser than them. Why I couldn’t go to a better college is a long story that is attributed to many things, from personal problems to no motivation to intelligence to basically a million excuses.
I also am not looking forward to having my sister come home for the holidays because people always assume that she’s older than me because she has a more mature life where it is believable that she’s in college.
In spite of all of this, I am going to be happy and not worry so much. I’m not very good at reading situations for the better or the worse anyway, so I’m not sure if I make things a bigger deal than they really are.</p>
<p>I think if you come across in a positive manner, stand up straight, and clean up your grammar they’ll be happy for you. They may even be envious of you. If you speak well and are proud of your accomplishments so far, and then add in the potential you have- well- you’ll have no worries!</p>
<p>Also, one approach is to talk about what you have ruled out. For example. “Well, I don’t have a major yet. But, I do know I’ve ruled out accounting/bio/English/etc.” That answers the question by showing you’re making progress in defining your future. But it doesn’t put you on the spot and force you into impressing them.</p>
<p>Another option: “Well, I haven’t been able to decide on a major yet. I’m thinking about getting a general degree then spending a few years in the AmeriCorps or Peace Corps.” That usually shuts people up. Who can criticize such a noble ambition?</p>
<p>Here’s main thing - remember they’re your family. Deep down they truly love you. Nobody wants to see you fail or end up unhappy. Just remember that they’re honestly interested in your wellbeing. They’re NOT out to criticize or invalidate your life.</p>
<p>">>The problem is that I’m going to get a million questions about careers, my major and what college I’m going to. This will be their opportunity to either have a family member to brag about or look down upon to feel better about themselves.<<</p>
<p>Adults typically ask young people those questions because the adults are trying to get to know the young people better, and are trying to have a conversation with them. It can be hard sometime to figure out what to talk to when someone is 20 or more years one’s junior. </p>
<p>You can be more assertive in the conversation by asking the adults about their lives – hobbies, jobs, etc. You don’t have to just sit there waiting for people to question you. You could show a kind curiosity about others, not just act like a hapless victim of others’ interests.</p>
<p>I agree with the suggestion that you also could ask them about their own career and college decisions and achievements and challenges that they faced. You also could ask what they learned from those decisions and experiences.</p>
<p>Oy. Take it from me. I have had to deal with a family of MBAs and MDs and successful businessmen and the small, tight Jewish community in my area that it seems like wherever I go, I’m seeing people who I consider as part of my family! ARGH!</p>
<p>Remember your cultural classes when the teacher taught you the ways of people- if you express any doubts or negativity, people ARE going to ask questions because they think that they can help and they WANT to help. If you’re from Long Island and most of your cousins are Ivy League, I have a suspicion that you’re from a Jewish family. If that’s right and even if it isn’t, take it from them: Jews love to kvetch/complain in order to get attention and everyone wants to help them even if there’s no solution. Take a hint. :)</p>
<p>I got through it all.<br>
Attended a women’s college:
“Isn’t that a women’s college? Why not go to a co-ed?”
“Isn’t that a lesbian school/place with lots of gay people?” (THEN they would look at me carefully to see if I was really gay! Awkward…)
“Um, so where IS Northampton? Near Amherst? Oh why didn’t you say so… have you been to Amherst yet to check out the boys??” (Typical Jewish mother response)
“What good is a women’s education? You’re not going to survive!” (Usually men’s response)</p>
<p>Upon deciding to be a history major:
“So you want to be a history teacher? Fabulous!”
“What kind of history? You’re interested in Jewish history? Um, that’s nice!” (Then they usually don’t want to go any further because they <em>think</em> they <em>know</em> it all being Jews)
“Can I recommend a great history book for you?” (Usually something from NYT bestsellers list written by journalists, more of pop/general history stuff)</p>
<p>Upon deciding to work in a museum field:
“That makes… no money doesn’t it?”
“How do you get a job there?”
“What MADE you decide on that?!”</p>
<p>Upon deciding to go to grad school/what I’m doing NOW:
“Great! You go to Michigan! What for? Oh, that’s great.” (like is that going to be a waste of my money?)
“So you’re going to be a rabbi?”
“What do you do with that?”</p>
<p>As you can see, a lot of these questions are just conversation starters. If you’ve done your research and work in creating stories for these people, you have it made. Talk with lots of confidence and smile! If you have something that you LOVE- whether it’s a club or a major, direct the conversation that way and people will be happy for you. Positive attitude creates a very strong impression on others.</p>
<p>In Desirata by Max Ehrmann (ugh, probably misspelling the poem and the author!) he advises us “not to compare yourself with others. It will make you vain or bitter.” – he also writes “You are a child of the universe. You have a right to be here.” – that gentle, fine poem helps a great deal. </p>
<p>Perhaps, for now, it is your role to be a backdrop for your sister. Fine. You can do that for awhile – with grace and good humor. Have faith that grace and good humor are always fine guests.</p>
<p>I know I tend to over quiz the college kids that come through our doors. I don’t give a hoot what their major is or their career goals are – what I really want to know is 1) are you ok? Really? 2) is life going well? 3) are you having fun? 4) are you being safe?<br>
So, try and see if those are the REAL questions being asked. Good luck!</p>
<p>The best suggestion I’ve seen is to ask the relatives for advice and suggestions. And don’t argue with the advice and suggestions, even if they are totally wrong for you. Just listen and ask others for advice as well. With any luck, they will argue with each other!</p>
<p>How about deflecting it back on the questioner, e.g., “I’m really excited about going to college next year. What do you remember about your college experience? What would you do differently? How did you select your major?” When someone asks you probing questions, that person probably wants to do a lot of the talking so let him/her! The most important thing about parties is to have fun, so rather than letting folks pepper you with questions - ask them instead. Good luck!</p>
<p>I think you’ve gotten some good suggestions here. I’m in the camp that supports your turning the conversation back to the questioner: people love to talk about themselves and give their opinions. Let them rant if that’s what they want to do. Who cares? Live your life and find your way regardless. And who knows, it might not even be so bad at the parties.</p>
<p>“I know I tend to over quiz the college kids that come through our doors. I don’t give a hoot what their major is or their career goals are – what I really want to know is 1) are you ok? Really? 2) is life going well? 3) are you having fun? 4) are you being safe?
So, try and see if those are the REAL questions being asked. Good luck!”</p>
<p>I do the same thing. I just like to hear about their lives like I like to hear about the lives of other people whom I care about. What’s disappointing, though, is unlike my adult friends, my college and high school friends don’t seem to have any curiosity about my own life.</p>
<p>What may seem like grilling is caring people just trying to get to know you. Return the favor by with courtesy and interest asking them about their own lives.</p>
<p>Exactly. You’re a stranger to some members of the family. They have no idea how to hold a conversation with “kids today.” So they try a topic that is supposed to be safe: college. </p>
<p>Think about it: adults can’t talk to high school and college students about the things like popular culture that high school and college students talk about among themselves. Adults simply don’t follow those sorts of things. So, in terms of trying to converse with younger people, adults try to find something that both can contribute to, and that tends to be school and the students’ prospective career, choice of major.</p>
<p>Similarly, when adults who don’t know each other try to converse at parties and similar places, they ask about careers and family, just to try to find some common ground. They aren’t interrogating each other, just trying to establish the groundwork for a conversation. </p>
<p>Interestingly, some adults who aren’t employed like homemakers or people out of work tend to react defensively by thinking that they are being grilled. Instead, they could just steer the conversation to their interests – books recently read, movies seen, hobbies, travels – anything that might establish a bond with the other person so as to maintain a conversation.</p>
<p>I remember having a conversation with a friend’s parents-he was a P’ton grad and a delightful person, she was a Smith grad with quite an attitude, similar to that described in the OP.</p>
<p>She alway brought up colleges in social conversations and in meeting me she stated smuggly that “she went to one of “those” colleges, Smith College”. I played dumb and replied, “Was Smith a 2 year or 4 year college”? Well she harrumped and her husband offerred me an understanding smile.</p>
<p>I totally understand this. I am experiencing it now. My family is proud of me, but I still get from a lot of people “so, what are you going to DO?” as in, a job. And I really don’t know but I’m only a freshman and I don’t feel like I need to know at this point. But people are very focused on that. I am in Georgetown’s SFS, considering choosing international history as my major, but no matter which specialization I pick I will still have a degree in IR from Georgetown, which can take me in any direction I want it to by the time I graduate. It does get frustrating but I guess people are just interested.</p>
