<p>Once again, as HS Junior D gets geared up to begin the college search (S is already a college freshman), the MIL/FIL clan is unrelenting with questions and anecdotes regarding nieces, nephews, cousins, and the children of their wealthy friends. MIL seems utterly unable to understand/accept that we will not qualify for need-based aid and thus D won't be going anyplace that doesn't give substantial merit or charge in-state tuition. </p>
<p>And despite the fact that they think all their grandchildren are the smartest in the world (:)), it appears unlikely that D is going to blast her way to the top of the academic brilliance heap in the next 12 months. </p>
<p>Any suggestions for dealing with them this round? I don't think I did such a swell job of it last time around.</p>
<p>“Thank you for your interest in my child’s learning adventures. XYZ is going to do great wherever she ends up, as she is s wonderful kid with a great head on her shoulders. We appreciate your suggestions greatly, and will take them under advisement.”</p>
<p>The most important thing, IMO, is to prepare your dd. Teach her to smile and nod. And you smile and nod. Don’t engage because they clearly don’t get it.</p>
<p>Honestly, I don’t even talk much about it irl. As amazing as that seems considering how unhinged I sound here. I realized that when my own family was telling me that we had nothing to worry about, because he’s so smart. They think it’s harder for the lower achievers for some reason. I think it’s hard no matter what. I tried to explain once, then I just gave up.</p>
<p>How were they when you got married? I tend to do the same thing to people, thanks for that thought, we’ll certainly consider it. I plan on talking about it when he gets acceptances and after he makes his final decision.</p>
<p>I dealt with this with my mother, and I agree with Northeast Mom, your husband needs to deal with this.</p>
<p>After one particularly unpleasant night, I informed my mother and my sister that if they wanted to be around us anymore, college topics were off the table. (Harsh, but that is what it takes with my mom.) I also insisted that my mom go to the bookstore and read books about college admissions and costs so she could better understand today’s reality.</p>
<p>People (parents, in-laws, spouses) can have this annoying thing where they compare the best attributes of others to your worst attributes. That’s unfair, of course, but replying with the appropriate Latin fallacy or a logical argument often doesn’t work well with relatives and spouses. Of course if you do take this approach, you’ll find that most people won’t want to get into arguments with you (in person).</p>
<p>Pleading poor isn’t a bad way to go.</p>
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<p>You could also go with a preemptive strike and hit them up for money for college before they start bugging you about college - that would have them thinking twice about getting into the conversation if they know that you’ll bring up the money issue every time.</p>
<p>We have experienced this to some degree, too. I think it’s hard for parents of a certain generation to really grasp the crazy world college admissions has become. My FIL, a professor emeritus from a very well-regarded university himself, was less than enthused when my DH started telling him about the acceptances and merit scholarships our D has thus far received to some very good universities. Responses were more along the lines of " mahvelous, but the girl should be applying to Hopkins/Cornell/Duke" etc. etc. He just doesn’t understand that these institutions, since we don’t qualify for need-based aid, will cost us $250K for an undergrad education. He seems to think if we just ‘talk to them’ they will come up with some money Now that my D has actually been accepted to one of my FIL’s preferred universities (no aid, of course), it will be interesting to see if he feels going to this school is so preferable to others to which she has been accepted AND offered merit money, that he will be willing to kick in a few $$$ to help close the gap Somehow, I think not!</p>
<p>Even if the spouse engages with the parents him/herself, the message that you don’t want to engage in discussion on the topic may be disregarded, especially if you’re dealing with people who are not impartial. I think the main thing is to change the subject, temporize, and eventually announce the decision with pride and conclusive firmness. And then develop selective deafness.</p>
<p>My in-laws would be thrilled if our DD went to their alma mater. However, since it is literally 10 minutes down the street, she had no interest in even applying there. Fortunately, they are very supportive her choices, so there will be no problem once she makes her final decision.</p>
<p>Few people on my side of the family have college degrees, so they are just impressed with anyone who not only attends a university, but finishes their degree.</p>
<p>I think this situation is a wonderful opportunity for you to sweetly tell MIL that D2’s choices are limited by family’s financial resources, which preclude a $50,000+/year college. That smile, silent, and wait expectantly for her response. I suspect that you’ll either get an offer of a substantial subsidy, or no further discussion on subject other than polite questions.</p>
<p>I don’t see any shame or embarassment with being upfront about financial situation. Our disclosure, after years of grandious grandparents’ bragging about their wealthy circumstances, resulting in large private school tuition subsidies. Our children are their grandchildren; why shouldn’t kids benefit from that largess?</p>
<p>Thanks for the suggestions! I’m going to work on just humoring them and trying to change the subject as best I can. And not bringing it up in discussion in any way as a way to avoid the topic altogether. Part of the problem is all the bad info MIL gets from her other various sources, which she seems to think must be correct whilst I must surely be the one who is wrong. Like when she called about a year ago to tell me that her hairdresser told her everyone in New York State gets TAP.</p>
<p>MIL getting bad information is not your problem. Your problem is likely that there is a little piece inside of you that says she is right. Otherwise it wouldn’t be any different than listening to an infomercial that you knew was full of it.</p>
<p>My MIL also gets her information about colleges from her hairdresser. Supposedly the hairdresser’s daughter got a huge “merit scholarship” from Cornell in addition to financial aid – so why isn’t my D getting a merit scholarship from her college? Now with S applying, MIL just throws out random names of colleges she has heard of that she thinks he should apply to – what about Stanford? what about McGill? Colleges that S with his sub-3.0 GPA is not getting into even if we buy them a building. It’s so random that there’s no point in getting into an argument. Smile and nod.</p>
privately.</p>
Now that my D has actually been accepted to one of my FIL’s preferred universities (no aid, of course), it will be interesting to see if he feels going to this school is so preferable to others to which she has been accepted AND offered merit money, that he will be willing to kick in a few $$$ to help close the gap