<p>I'm a college senior graduating in May. I have a very tense relationship with my parents. I'm going home for our annual Christmas Eve party, where I'll see my uncle and many of my parents' friends. I was abroad last year, so I haven't seen these people in a while. I'm expecting the "So what are you doing after graduation?" question coming from every direction, and I'm really, really nervous about it. I already feel like I have zero support from my parents about graduating, and I am so anxious about all the judgment these people will bestow upon me if I don't have the "right" answer. I have pretty concrete plans for June, but they don't involve moving back home or getting the type of job I'm expected to get, and to be honest I'm just not ready to share my plans in public yet.</p>
<p>Do you parents have any suggestions for how I can politely deflect their questions? I respect them very much and don't want to be rude or hostile, but I don't think I can handle several minutes of interrogation in an environment where I already don't feel safe.</p>
<p>Just tell them you’re still considering your options. If they press for more just repeat the same vague response and change the subject. They should catch the drift that you don’t want to discuss it. Don’t blame people for being interested in the question though since it’s natural to wonder what one will do upon graduation.</p>
<p>You’re an adult now, so you should be able to handle this in an adult manner. Tell them your plans, with a big smile on your face, and say how excited you are to be starting this new phase of your life. Then ask them how they’re doing, how their children/pets are, or any question that will change the subject.</p>
<p>I don’t see why you should tell anyone your plans if you don’t want to.</p>
<p>“I’m not sure yet” is a perfectly good answer. It’s also the truth for most college seniors at this point in the year. Except for a very few people who lined up jobs early or who have signed up for Teach for America or something like that, nobody really knows what they’re doing yet. Even the people who applied to graduate schools may change their minds and get jobs if they are displeased with the results of their graduate school applications.</p>
<p>My son graduated last May. He certainly didn’t know last Christmas that he would be living on the other side of the country by this Christmas, but that’s what he ended up doing.</p>
<p>I thought your own words were polite enough to use, so quoted them back to you above! </p>
<p>If said with kindness and warmth, looking someone in the eye with a gentle smile…I think they just might get it.</p>
<p>And, to be super mature, start with, “Thank you for asking, but, to be honest…”</p>
<p>PS, If they persist with a follow-up question, repeat your line word-for-word. Most people get it at that point. Two follow-ups? Shrug, smile and walk away. You tried.</p>
<p>Why 3 chances? It is important in life to distinguish between the well-meaning curiosity of those who love you, and the meddlesome nosiness of those trying to level or boss you around. :)</p>
<p>Thank you for all the replies. My parents are volatile and it might not actually be safe for me to be “adult” and tell them what I have in mind, but I also don’t want to lie. I know most seniors don’t have firm plans by now, but I’m worried the people at this party either won’t know that or will push me into telling them what I’m considering, or, worse yet (!), will start throwing suggestions at me if I say I don’t know. Hopefully a kind and warmly stated “I’m not ready to share my plans yet” will work… or else I’ll pull the plastics line and throw them for a loop, haha.
Thanks…</p>
<p>Remind them of the economy <em>winks</em> That gets people to shut up because no one wants to talk about how bad things are… if anything they should feel sorry for you for starting out this way! :)</p>
<p>Then tell all your relatives that you are being ‘vetted’ for a position in the new administration and that you can’t pursue any other leads nor discuss any details until that gets resolved. Should buy you at least another month. And if they still ask you in February, just point out that they had over 300,000 applications and it didn’t work out for you.</p>
<p>There are very few times in anyone’s life where they don’t need to know absolutely what they’re doing next, and often upon graduation people jump into careers or the work place just to have that job. Little do they know that they may look up in 10 years doing something they never intended or even like!</p>
<p>I would not use the “in public” wording as family doesnt consider themselves the general pubic. However, you can say your not quite ready to share all that and then ask them what their first job out of college was. Another hugely enlightening question is to ask them what they thought they had wanted to do in college. You’d be amazed at how many people have gone in completely different directions. It’s actually really interesting stuff, especially to see your family and friends in a different time and place in their lives. </p>
<p>Bottom line: The surest way to get people out of your business is to get them to talk about their own.</p>
<p>" The surest way to get people out of your business is to get them to talk about their own."</p>
<p>Very true. You don’t have to be passive at family gatherings. Ask your relatives – including older ones – about their own plans including plans related to their careers. Given the layoffs and other problems due to the economy, many mature adults are having to rethink their careers, too.</p>
<p>You also can ask them about their lives in general.</p>
<p>I’ve noticed that high school and college age people tend to converse with adults by simply replying to questions about their own lives instead of showing any interest in other peoples’ lives. It’s polite and a good idea in general to show polite interest in other people’s lives. Much of what younger people find to be irritating questioning by older acquaintances and relatives is simply the older folks trying to keep a conversation going.</p>
<p>Polite questions for older folks can include: plans for retirement; how the economy is affecting their career; things they’re enjoying about being a parent/grandparent; interesting things they’ve done in their church, civic groups, volunteer organizations, hobbies, travels, etc.</p>
<p>NSMom, thank you for the great post above. So true and so well said. I just copied it and sent it to my son, who loves to talk but hates being put on the spot.</p>
<p>You aren’t the only one being put on the spot. Your parents are also being asked, “What is little Scarfmadness going to do after graduation?” Been there! I just told them the truth–" Ellemenope, Jr. has figured out a long list of things that she DOESN’T want to do, but hasn’t figured out what she WANTS to do." You could craft a similar answer.</p>
<p>In thinking about this thread and the similar one in Parents Forum, I realize that sometimes when talking to high school and college students, I’ve felt as if I were attempting to communicate with someone who was very self centered. Why? Because while I was asking questions to learn about their lives, their only contribution to the conversation was to talk about themselves.</p>
<p>Possibly they felt that I was badgering them or prying into their business, but I was just trying to get to know them better while wondering why they didn’t seem to have a shred of interest in my life. Do young people assume that older people have nothing of interest going on in their lives? Do young people think it’s rude to ask an older person about their job, travels, family, aspirations, hobbies or interests in general? </p>
<p>Young people aren’t the only people with plans, dreams and interesting lives. Older people like myself may not volunteer such info about themselves if a young person hasn’t said anything indicating they are interested. However, if the young person asks questions about the older person’s life, the person may be quite happy to talk about themselves, which could lead to a more balanced conversation.</p>
<p>Actually, yes, NSM, I was taught that it was rude to ask adults (e.g. my parents’ friends) about themselves. My parents are older and I was the only young child in their group; I was expected to entertain myself and stay out of everyone’s way, and if I appeared in the conversation I was reprimanded or shooed away–“this isn’t for your ears,” etc. I think this is the case for a lot of kids, and then when you grow up it’s a little confusing that it suddenly becomes ok to talk to these people! </p>
<p>I think your view on young adults is misplaced. Certainly we are very self-centered, but it’s not as though I would spend an entire evening in a room full of adults saying absolutely nothing unless I was asked a personal question. Do you really know college students who do this? At a Christmas Eve party, the conversation is going to touch upon politics, grandchildren, who’s renovating their house, travel plans, etc. Of course I am going to politely and happily ask our guests about those things. But, as several parents pointed out above, it’s natural for people to wonder about my post-graduation plans, and that conversation can quickly devolve into questions that are just plain prying and judgmental. One parent pointed out the importance of figuring out if somene really cares about you or if they’re just prying, and I think that’s a great point. My post was about how to kindly change the subject from one that is going to make me anxious and possibly cause a lot of problems, to something that everyone can be happy with; and if you’ve grown up not being included in these adult conversations, yes, responding with “Thanks for asking–and how’s your business doing?” can indeed feel pretty weird.</p>
<p>"I think your view on young adults is misplaced. Certainly we are very self-centered, but it’s not as though I would spend an entire evening in a room full of adults saying absolutely nothing unless I was asked a personal question. Do you really know college students who do this? "</p>
<p>I taught college for 6 years, and my husband has taught college for almost 20 years. We’ve often invited over college students including for things like holiday dinners. At the college where he teaches, many students apparently were raised as you were – to not ask questions of adults, so it has been painfully difficult to converse with them. With rare exception, they say nothing unless asked direct questions. I got to the point of telling my husband not to invite his students over unless they really would be able to converse with us. It was miserable being around students who were so passive. They literally seemed scared to open their mouths. I don’t know how they’ll fit in when they leave college and enter their careers.</p>
<p>Meanwhile S, 20, has friends who were raised differently, and who are pleasures for me to be around. S and I even jointly hosted a board game/card game party over the weekend with his friends and my friends – ranging into their 50s. People all were on first name basis, and all seemed to be able to talk to each other and have fun. Our youngest guest was 2. The oldest was about my age, late 50s.</p>
<p>Lots of the students and adults were involved in theater as an advocation, so that helped a lot in that people who are involved in theater (and possibly the arts in general) tend to be able to relate across generations. The adults were in fields ranging from law, college educators, and massage therapy to being graduate students in the sciences and social sciences, and the college students ranged from engineering to political science majors. Conversations ranged from the arts to politics to hobbies, families and careers. </p>
<p>I love hosting and attending cross generational parties in which diverse groups of people can respect each other and have fun together. I’ve noticed that this isn’t something that most mainstream Americans do outside of their own family events. Immigrants and their families as well as people from some religions – Quakers come to mind – tend to do this as do, I think, Native Americans. Too often, mainstream Americans socialize by separating people by generations, and that’s why when the generations have to connect at family events, awkwardness ensues.</p>
<p>I think it’s funny and a little bizarre that you were surprised your students were so quiet when they had dinner at your house. It seems obvious to me that they would be! Normally a teacher is in a position of great authority. We walk in to class, they talk explicitly about the course material, we get up and leave. Sometimes they know stuff about us, if we are struggling or if we have personal issues that impact our performance, but we rarely know stuff about them. When you’re young, your parents encourage you not to pester your teachers with questions like where did they grow up, etc. So when you’re at a professor’s house for dinner, oh my gosh, no matter how casual and inviting the professor is, they’re still an authority figure you’re supposed to respect, not converse with as an equal.</p>
<p>I am positive that as soon as your students left your house each time, they were abuzz with gossip about you. “Did you notice that sculpture on the bookcase? She must have travelled to Asia! I wonder why she did that, how old she was, etc.” But during dinner, while maybe it would have been ok to compliment the sculpture, asking for the personal story behind it would feel way too much like crossing that professor/student line. And your son’s friends, if they had taken your class rather than knowing you through your son, would probably have acted the same way. They weren’t being self-absorbed, just shy and a little perplexed about what was expected of them.</p>
<p>Did you really think you were meeting 20 years worth of incredibly passive and self-centered kids? That seems really sad to me. But you reached out by inviting them to dinner, so I don’t know what else a teacher could do. I agree with you–Americans socialize by separating generations, and when generations come together in a different power context, it’s hard to figure out how to act.</p>