I just learned yesterday that the three people I’m living with this year are replacing me next year and they didn’t even bother telling me because they “forgot.” Apparently, they were going to tell me but they somehow didn’t remember. I have no idea what to do about my dorm situation for next year. Currently, I’m in Upperclassmen Honors Themed Housing on my campus since that’s the only place where I’m guaranteed to get accepted into if I apply (since I’m currently in the Honors Program). Now there’s another group of guys who I’m closer in my year, but they’ve already filled up so I have no choice but to go with random suitemates within the theme. The problem with that is that most people within this learning community choose their roommates ahead of time while I’d be one of the only, if not the only student to go random (which is technically what is supposed to happen but most choose ahead of time since they’re already friends). Plus, since all the rising juniors (current sophomores) in themed housing have practically chosen their suitemates (which are limited to four per suite) then I’d be with sophomores or seniors, which personally embarrasses me since it’s practically unheard of and I fear possibly being further labeled as an outsider because of it. Now, since I don’t have any real friends (or at least not apart of any friendship groups), I’d most likely have to do random selection anyway regardless of where I lived but since I don’t drink, party, or do drugs, there’s a good chance I probably wouldn’t be happy (whether or not I’m with people in my class). What do you think I should do?
PS, the guy who is replacing me is part of their friendship group. Also, I’m also attending off-campus counseling for social anxiety/depression and my counselor seems to be much more willing to customize his advice to fit my needs than my previous counselors who just seemed to give one-size-fits-all generic advice such as getting out more and joining clubs (which I’m already part of quite a few).
Oh, and staying in my dorm (where this themed housing community is) is the only way to guarantee a single (albeit within a suite) since I don’t think I’d be apt with a double or triple room. And by the way, I’m not too close with the guys in my suite currently since they were part of a friendship group that got thrown in with and don’t always feel included in their presence.
But honestly, though. Would it be acceptable for me to land in random room selection and end up with lowerclassmen as roommates?
Yes.
So what do you think I should do?
I had random roommates multiple years in college. My roommate freshman year was a soph whose 2 best friends lived next door. All my other friends had roommates already. It isn’t the greatest, but you’ll survive. What else are you going to do?
I guess there’s nothing you can do but I just feel ashamed, especially if I end up with lowerclassmen. I just don’t want to get mocked by the other kids in this learning community.
Okay, I just applied for Themed housing again and letting the computer/Housing Office generate the suitemates for me. Since I have no friends, I have no one to reassure me in spite of the constant cognitive dissonance I’m dealing with at the moment.
Not exactly happy with myself at the moment.
I think random is a good way to go to meet more people. Sure some of them you may not hit it off with but it’s also possible you could find that someone turns out to be a better friend than your other friend groups. It really doesn’t matter that much what year someone is in college like HS.
I guess within my themed housing community, it’s frowned upon to go random within it since everyone has their own group of friends and I’m the only friendless one there.
Stop worrying what others think. Talk to your counselor about it if it’s really bothering you. There’s not much more we can do to validate the situation for you.
I’m glad you are seeing a counselor.
It sounds like your best choice is to stay put and get random roommates in your dorm. You will know plenty of people in the dorm and should be fine. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.
It sucks but it’s not a huge deal, stay positive and you may like the change. It’s only a temporary situation any way as you are upperclassmen and not signing a 99 year lease. Focus on studies and see if you can graduate early and move on to next phase of your life.
At least you will have your own bedroom, so you can be alone if needed. You said you aren’t real close to any
others, so try to give it a chance, nobody should care how you got your roommates.
Quite possibly, todays random dorm match is tomorrows friend!
@wizman 631,
From a purely practical standpoint, I have nothing to add to the others…the themed housing is probably your best bet, and I’m hoping for a better random outcome for you. Try to develop the mindset that YOU get to decide what to value or not. Social mindsets (i.e. the idea that rooming with an underclassman is uncool) do take a life of their own and affect how others react to you…but your best defense is to make a pact with yourself that you don’t have to accept the prevailing view…that these are really arbitrary ideas that you do not have to adopt. As long as you are a decent, kind and ethical person you don’t have to agree that the prevailing social hierarchy or mindset in any one social milieu is the best or only view. Sometimes it is the milieu that is flawed. It’s tough to separate yourself from the milieu’s mindset but it can give you a peace of mind and personal dignity (I know, dignity’s a weird word to use for someone so young but the only one I can think of that fits.)
I will say, though, I get it…it IS painful to be feeling social exclusion…and anyone telling you that it is not and that you should not be feeling it is not really helping you get over it (even if the intention is kind.) It can come across as unnecessarily blunt. We are neurologically primed (from a survival standpoint as a social species) to seek out the company and solace of others. Research has found that social exclusion does hurt on a physical level. Empathy from a person willing to “be there” with you with the messiness of your feelings (humiliation, loneliness, dread) without flinching can help. If that person (your counselor?) is not available it’s really, really OK to cry. Let it out! I do feel we all need someone trustworthy to “be there” through hard experiences. When that person is not available (and often there is not in life) it’s important to have things we can do for ourselves to feel better. Anxious people tend to be sensitive people, who need even more strategies for feeling better when empathy is nowhere to be found… Do you have any healthy outlets/hobbies/activities…whether walking/running/yoga/meditation/reading fiction/any art form/soothing interest to help you? If not, it’s very important to develop one or two of these to fall back on when times are down! It’s a cliche, I know, but it’s much easier to find friends and deflect bullies when you are already a friend to yourself and can project that inner strength to others. Finding those soothing activities helps you to project that protective strength.
It was extremely rude of your suitemates to “forget” to tell you until so late in the game. Sometimes people do inconsiderate things because they can (they are insensitive boors) or precisely because they dread hurting others’ feelings and don’t want the inconvenience of conflict. Either way, it just adds insult to injury. Sometimes having another person reinforcing your gut feeling that what happened to you isn’t right, can help you to get over it sooner (so I’m saying it.) On the other hand, holding on to it and nursing the hurt will prolong it. Consider writing a letter (that you will NOT send) to your suitemates detailing your feelings about the situation. This can get the intensity of the feelings out. Destroy that letter! When you are calm you might consider telling them you understand their decision but that you should have been told earlier. Of course, this will have no practical effect in the short-term, but could have the very practical effect of helping you feel the power of standing up and asserting yourself. It will only work, however, if you can do it calmly and non-reactively, conveying that you can and will deal with the inconveniece (and that’s a hard thing to do.) Reacting emotionally to your suitemates would just send a “victim” message, and that’s not helpful either.
I don’t know…is there ANY other living situation that could give you a fresh start…or even an internship/off-campus/travel abroad option to give you a fresh start and new outlook? When do you graduate?
Last year my D had to tell her roommate that she was planning to live with someone else. It was hard because her roommate was a nice girl; it’s just that my D had a closer friend with whom she preferred to live. The first roommate was a little hurt, but went random (like you, in an Honors LLC with 4-bedroom suites – but not at your school). Turns out that, as a sophomore, she was placed with 2 juniors and one other sophomore. She has become very good friends with one of the juniors, gets along with the other junior just fine, and really doesn’t care for the sophomore roomie. So year in school had nothing to do with which roommate was the best fit.
It was rude of your roommates not to tell you earlier, but they probably didn’t want to hurt your feelings (even though they inadvertently did). And as you say, they were previously friends with this new guy, so their decision probably had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
I hope you will be pleasantly surprised by at least one roommate; and having your own bedroom in the suite is really nice.
Your current roommates seem rude and definitely handled it the wrong way. I’m sorry about that. Please try not to take it personally. I can tell you that PLENTY of people live with people slightly older or younger. In college, the distinctions between “grades” are somewhat meaningless because in any particular class you take, there will be a mix of people of all ages. Someone who is a junior might be graduating a year early and technically be a senior. Or someone who is a freshman might have taken a gap year so be the same age as sophomores. I promise you that no one else cares even 1% the amount that you do - it’d literally be a non-thought on my radar.
Also, for what it’s worth, I lived in themed honors housing and went random every single time. It always felt like everyone else in the program had paired off into friends except me. But then I realized that the people I ended up with must’ve gone random, too. And then I learned a lot of people went random and ended up together. I just assumed they were all good friends because we were in the program together.
Hopefully whoever you end up with turns out to be a good roommate!
The fact that I have to go random IS a big deal within my Housing community though. Also, The housing director told me that I could be the only one in my suite in Themes Housing and everyone else could be the total opposite of who I am.