<p>Hi, I know this is kind of off topic, but today my professor just lost a child today, a baby girl, only about 2 weeks old. I feel really badly for him, and I want to say something, like I would to anyone else (he's really friendly, and we're a class of about 12 and on a first-name basis w/ each other) but I don't want to look like i'm just sucking up. Do you guys have any suggestions for what I should do? He just sent our class an email informing us of this...I can't just not respond, and I do feel really badly for him, so I think I should say/do something...then again, I don't want to make it more painful for him and his family either by bringing it up when he's already suffering, or saying the wrong thing. Please help me out here.</p>
<p>Honey, if he informed the class of his loss, then you totally have the right to just plainly follow your heart on this matter. I would just respond back to the e mail from your heart. It is just that simple.</p>
<p>If you actually care, the thought of "being perceived as sucking up" shouldn't even be a concern.</p>
<p>I actually care about things that happen to my professors, and I worry about looking like a total suck-up too.</p>
<p>I wouldn't worry about looking like a suck-up though. If you're sincere, it will show. I would respond to the e-mail as if he were just a friend.</p>
<p>Maybe organize your class to get him a condolences card with everyone signing it to give to him when he gets back to school (or leave it in his mailbox). This is a way to send your condolences without sounding like a suck-up.</p>
<p>You could definitely really care and still be worried about being perceived as a suck-up - not by your classmates, but by the teacher. I'm such a guy when it comes to this kind of thing. I never know what to say or do when someone is upset or something tragic has happened. Really, I don't think somebody who has gone through that loss is expecting anything profound. I'd think all sympathetic responses begin to sound the same, but the fact that they are being said at all means something, as long as you don't treat him like you are walking on eggshells. Say whatever comes to you, out of your heart. </p>
<p>I remember when I interned at a paper over the summer, the lady I was interviewing was practically sobbing on the phone, saying her brother had just died. I kept asking if it was a bad time, if I should call back, and she would say, "It'll never be a good time!" and I would say I was sorry, and I hoped her family could pull through and she would say, "No, things will never be the same..." I felt like a complete moron.</p>
<p>She called back later to thank me for being so understanding, and for being so sympathetic even though I didn't even know her. </p>
<p>If it feels right to say, "Hey, I'm so sorry about what happened. I really hope the best for your family during this time", say it, no matter how Hallmarky or stupid or suck-up it sounds. It's not about what you say, just that you said it. 10 yrs from now your prof will not remember your words, but he will remember that you cared enough to say something to him.</p>
<p>P.S. The card idea is great!</p>
<p>A colleague of mine lost twins at 1 week and 1 month a very short while ago. She has just returned to work and I know that she really appreciated the cards, emails she got from people just knowing they were out there saying prayers, keeping her and her family in their thoughts. She also shared that it is quite hard as time goes on and everyone returns to normal and she appreciates it when people are sensitive to the fact her life has changed forever and she has some bad days. Everything related to babies reminds her of her loss - a parenting magazine, a coupon in the mail for formula, etc. Just do what comes naturally to you and don't worry about what others will say.</p>
<p>I truly don't understand the obsession with others thinking you are a suck up. It's simply a matter of courtesy and compassion to send a sympathy card or to send the professor a note.
Frankly, to me, it would make more sense to do this as an individual than to orchestrate this for the whole class. I know that a handwritten note from a student would mean more to me as a teacher than would a card with 50 signatures from a class. The former would seem more meaningful and sincere.</p>
<p>A couple of years ago, I took a French class for fun at my local university. About a month into the course, the professor left the college because she had been diagnosed with cancer. I went to the department office and got an address that I could send the professor a note. I certainly wasn't trying to suck up. There was absolutely nothing I needed from the prof. I simply wanted the prof to know that I cared and wished her well.</p>
<p>In my opinion, anyone who'd be spending their time criticizing people who'd send a condolence or sympathy card or note to a professor who had an illness or tragedy has some major problems themselves: a lack of heart. Anyone who would not send a card or note for fear that their classmates would think they are brownosing has some major problems, too: A lack of respect for their own good heart and compassion.</p>
<p>Anyway, how would your classmates know that you sent a card or note unless you tell them? Unless you make it your classmate's business, they won't know.</p>
<p>
[quote]
NSM writes: I truly don't understand the obsession with others thinking you are a suck up. It's simply a matter of courtesy and compassion to send a sympathy card or to send the professor a note. Anyone who would not send a card or note for fear that their classmates would think they are brownosing has some major problems, too: A lack of respect for their own good heart and compassion.
[/quote]
NSM, I think you have an adult's perspective on this. And while you're right, expressing sympathy is the right thing to do, maybe I also understand the concern a college student would have. College is new territory for the students, an unfamiliar landscape with new rules and expectations. One think nobody likes, however, is a suck-up. And every semester you're bound to have a class with one; the one who fawns over the teacher, makes ingratiating comments in class, etc. Flattery, especially phony flattery (since these kids often rag on the teacher when they're out of earshot, the whole thing is an act to curry favor) is not admired. </p>
<p>Coming back to the OPs situation, it is a class of only a dozen kids and its sometimes hard to figure out where the boundaries are. Clearly the prof isn't a peer/friend who you're going to invite out for some drinks on Fri. On the other hand the prof isn't a semi-anonymous figure in front of 75+ students. Deciphering the boundaries, figuring out what is appropriate and what is not, takes time. And while the day-to-day interaction is quickly understood, novel situations such as this one present a quandry. How close is too close? What crosses the line from student/teacher?</p>
<p>A forum such as this once is an excellent place to sound out other kids and interested adults on the norms in new situations. Given the helpful advice you usually supply to the board, your response strikes me as out of character and maybe the situation somehow struck a nerve. These are kids learning to move in the adult world; while it may be perfectly obvious to you this is a grieving parent and any expression of sympathy is welcomed, the rules and mores of the adult world can often seem capricious and arbitrary to college kids. Checking to make sure they aren't being transgressed is a reasonable step before doing something, and your harsh response was uncalled for.</p>
<p>badgolfer,
Of course you're entitled to your opinion,but I fail to see what's harsh about what I posted. After all, I'm acknowledging that the OP has compassion, something that, I think, lots of people don't have. It's certainly better to follow one's compassionate heart and try to offer comfort to someone than to worry that others may think that one is a suck up.</p>
<p>As a former professor, I also remember noticing that the laziest and rudest students were the ones who assumed that students with high grades were "sucking up" when what was really going on was that the students with the high grades were doing their work -- on time and thoughtfully, were using professors' office hours to discuss questions about the course (not to suck up by dropping by just to chat about nothing apparently in hopes that if they got the professor to like them, the professor would let them slide despite shoddy work), and also displayed common courtesy such as sending sympathy cards, giving thank-you notes for recommendations, etc.</p>
<p>The students who truly think that displaying interest in a class (by doing their work and asking questions when they don't understand) and courtesy are sucking up are the students who also tend to get the lowest grades -- grades that they deserve, not grades that the professor pinned on them out of dislike.</p>
<p>Students will find that the same things exist in the work world. In general, the people who get ahead do their work on time and thoughtfully and maintain good relations with their bosses including displaying common courtesy. </p>
<p>So, I still believe as I said before: </p>
<p>"Anyone who would not send a card or note for fear that their classmates would think they are brownosing has some major problems, too: A lack of respect for their own good heart and compassion. "</p>
<p>After all, it's not the classmate's opinions that count here anyway. It's whether one can do something that may offer comfort to a person who's grieving.</p>
<p>I agree with NStarmom....when do having common courtesy, good manners, and empathy turn into sucking up</p>
<p>college "kids" are adults, legally anyway, and it to me is sad that basic ettiquette is lacking in so many</p>
<p>the OP senses she should express her condolances, but holds back because she thinks others may percieve her caring as sucking-up....what kind of people are we that we worry so much about looking like suckups that we don't want to do the right thing</p>
<p>as adults, and as little kids, we have to learn to do the right thing, regardless of what others might think- and if some see expressing sorrow to another for their loss as "sucking up" how sad is that?</p>
<p>The OP can get a nice card, put in profs mail....</p>
<p>and it matters not if the class was 12 or 500 students, and how well you knew them....</p>
<p>once when i was in a professor's office, she got a call that her cousin died. i immediately offered to leave, but she actually wanted to talk about her relative a little bit. i told her how sorry i was, and listened, and i don't think for a second that she thought that or cared whether i was sucking up...in fact, she was one of my grad school recommenders and she asked me to write a letter for her tenure committee file. </p>
<p>your prof has a lot better things to worry about now than his students and whether they're sucking up--just write a brief card (with or without the other students) or an email, and i'm sure that he'll be glad for the condolences. even if he did think you're sucking up (and he WON'T) you should still do it, because it's a compassionate, humane thing to console people who've suffered a loss.</p>
<p>Well, if you respond to an email, how would any of your classmates even know?</p>
<p>I doubt many people whould consider you to be sucking up. A loss like that has to be acknowledged.</p>
<p>You could, if you are worried about standing out, email everyone in the class and state that you will be sending a sympathy card. Request that your classmates do the same. Or send one envelope with notes in it.</p>
<p>As to what you should say: simply state that you are sorry for his loss; that your sympathies are with him and his wife during this time; if he is religious, it would be very appropriate to include a comment. Many people, during such a time, find comfort in religion, in knowing that they will see their child again. He and his wife will never really be the same - and it is fine to acknowledge that. It is appropriate to acknowledge that there is no loss worse than burying a child.</p>
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<p>Over the past year, I had suffered several horrible losses of family & friends. It was a tremendous comfort to me when people sent letters or emails or left notes, or even just gave me a hug when I saw them between classes. "I'm sorry that you are going through this;" "Thinking of you, because you were so upset;" and "XXX told me what happened; I'm sorry for your loss; I can imagine how you feel because yyyyy," were all wonderful. (yyyy was a very kind message regarding the relationship of one of the people to me - an acknowledgment of the loss.)</p>
<p>thats so sad >.<</p>
<p>I think it's just common courtesy to respond to his e-mail and offer your condolences. Anyone who would think you're a suck-up for doing that is a total idiot.</p>
<p>Perhaps a hug if not awkward would do it? You cant make him feel better, but you can help him cry.</p>
<p>to the OP ... it's great that you want to respond. Unfortunately there is nothing magical you can say that will help make things better. A warning ... please do NOT say I know how you feel or I can imagine how you feel ... each person deals with tradegies differently and we have NO idea how they feel or where they are emotionally. It took me a long time to realize all I can say ... is I heard about you loss, I am so sorry, and please let me know if I can do anything to help ... you can offer your thoughts, your support, and your offer to help. PS - this is very nice thing to do!</p>
<p>3ToGo - if the OP has ever experienced something similar (loss of a sibling, for example), it may be appropriate to share that grief - grief shared is, in many ways, grief diminished.</p>
<p>There are a LOT of idiots in the world. A lot of them will say things like, "Well, she was a baby," or "You only knew her for two weeks." Saying that you acknowledge the full extent of the loss - that of a child - will be comforting. There's always someone who says something totally cold and insensitive. Trust me on this one. (Someone asked me, "Did he commit suicide?" less than a nanosecond after the words were out of my mouth. That stuff is SO hurtful, and someone always says it, and what helped me to not snap and to not hurt even more was remembering how kind other people had been a few hours before.)</p>
<p>agreed ... sharing your experience may help and certainly help you understand better than most others ... just don't project those feelings onto the prof</p>