What would be the wisest thing to do?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I am posting under this username for reasons of anonymity (I am a regular poster) and hope that you can all advise me as I've finally gotten to the point where I need advice from real parents who can offer a perspective that's not tainted with religious propaganda (I'll get to that).</p>

<p>I'm done with college applications and as of right now I am 99% certain that I will be accepted at my top choice, which is UC Berkeley.</p>

<p>I want to go there because I feel that it's strong academically, it's a fit with my type of persona, I could be my gay self "freely" and I just think it's great.</p>

<p>However, no way will my parents ever let me leave home for college.</p>

<p>Why?</p>

<p>We're Jehovah's Witnesses. We are taught that going away to college is evil, and obviously being gay is absolutely horrible as well (I am not out).</p>

<p>Ultimately, this comes down to me:</p>

<p>a.) Losing in touch with all of my family and supposed friends, since after you leave the JWs you can never talk to any of them again unless it's a life or death situation
b.) Probably having to figure out how to pay for college for senior year (I am a transfer student)</p>

<p>On the flipside, I could continue to hide who I really am for the next two years while I finish college at the local UC, and then when I leave to grad school officially resign from the JWs and finally live my life as I belief it best to be run, and lose my family as a result.</p>

<p>This is negative for several reasons:</p>

<p>a.) The time commitment to JWs is big which has always been a strain on my studies
b.) I feel I've gotten to the point where I'm mature enough to make my own decisions and be who I am, i.e. true to myself
c.) I don't think the local UC offers to same opportunities as Berkeley</p>

<p>The positives of going to the local UC:</p>

<p>1.) No worry about the financial aspect
2.) I get to keep in touch with my family and friends for at least two more years
3.) It will probably be easier to get a higher GPA</p>

<p>What do you all think? I really don't know what other details I should include. Please let me know. :(</p>

2

<p>You have my sincere sympathy in dealing with this difficult decision process.</p>

<p>And while your local UC may not offer the same opportunities as Berkeley, it does have a LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) Resource Center… I’d encourage you to make a visit.</p>

<p>In addition to giving you good emotional support and advice about the familial separation process, they can also advise you about the financial ramifications (including how one can be declared financially independent due to “adverse extenuating circumstances”). Without this declaration, you may find it very difficult to independently finance your undergraduate education (assuming you’ve been receiving financial support from your parents).</p>

<p>You obviously have given your options a good deal of thought, but I believe it is beneficial to talk with professionals who have guided others through similar decision processes (and may have traveled similar paths themselves).</p>

<p>Best of luck to you!</p>

3

<p>“Mom, Dad, I believe God has called me to attend the greatest university in this state. I love you very much, but I feel that I must answer this call.”</p>

<p>Well, you did ask for wisdom.</p>

4

<p>This might be a great time to seek out support, using online resources would be one option, from the gay community in order to find others who have made the journey you have made. It is important developmental work to affirm your identity and make your coming out work well for you (and as well as possible for your family). You don’t have to do this alone. There are other adults from JW families who have come out and made the transition you are looking toward. And there are faith communities (eg Unitarian Universalist, United Church o Christ, etc. ) that will support you in this process as a gay young adult. I’d start networking to find one or more mentors for this transition, whereever you end up in school. And in the interim, you might be able to learn about the JW community in Northern California, since perhaps a transition step would be convincing your family that coming north could be done without harm and that you could find a JW community here. In any case, good luck on your path</p>

5

<p>If you really want to live your own life, i do not see other solution but to find a job and move where you want to be. A lot of places of empoyment pay for college also. You are the only person who can answer what is most important to you. The answer will lead to correct plan of action.</p>

6

<p>Are you certain that your family would reject you if you came out? I know that lots of gays have sad coming-out stories, but sometimes families can surprise us.</p>

<p>Have you talked to your family about UC Berkeley? How would you afford to go, if your family didn’t pay? I don’t understand why Berkeley would count as a viable choice, since it sounds like the money is not there.</p>

7

<p>There is a strong UCB campus support group, but I have found that these folks:</p>

<p>[The</a> Pacific Center: Connecting the LGBT Community](<a href=“http://www.pacificcenter.org/]The”>http://www.pacificcenter.org/)</p>

<p>do an amazingly job for actually guiding students and youth through the practicalities of
decision making when it comes to ‘coming out,’ as well as the more pragmatic, day to day functions of living on one’s own in this area.</p>

<p>While I don’t know your circumstances, financial or emotional, I have worked with many other students in similar situations, including JW and Mormon. What I have found is that those students who for whatever their reason feel they cannot come out, have created a successful timeline for when they can. I have seen a few train wrecks, but those were generally when there was no concrete plan for feeling/being true to who they are and sharing that with their loved one’s. </p>

<p>I’m sure you know that there will be those who will not be accepting. What is most important is if and how you will able to manage without their support.
Best of luck on whatever you decide.</p>

8

<p>I can’t help but (hope and )wonder if things will turn out better than you think. I am not JW, but come from a fairly close family, in which there are several JW families. One was my closest cousin, and I spent a lot of time in her home, and at the kingdom Hall ( I still remember the time I said someone was lucky…). While this has caused some rifts within the family, most of us still manage to enjoy each others company. The close cousin went to college (don’t remember the “away” part), has an openly gay sister, and they do all right. Her father was NOT JW (and their marriage survived this! ), though.</p>

9

<p>Hello.</p>

<pre><code>This seems to be more of a life problem as opposed to a college problem, meaning you need to figure out how to come out, if you want to, and how to prepare for your family’'s response. The folks who have advised you to touch base with LGBT groups are spot on, and they will be able to advise you, as they see this ALL THE TIME. Once you get your big picture strategy down, you can make other decisions, including college and your JW ties, in a better frame of mind.
</code></pre>

<p>Try to separate your gayness from your college. They are two separate things.</p>

<p>I’d start by talking to some LGBT folks. </p>

<p>And, I am with Shrinkrap, – your family MAY react in a different way than how you anticipate.</p>

<p>Keep us posted.</p>

10

<p>Good advice already given. I’ll add that you have to make your decision regarding who you are and your religion. You may have to decide between losing former friends and family and living the life you want to. Yet another reason some religions are to be avoided in my book- too controlling and fearful of losing members who know too much. I used “former” as I can’t see them being true friends if they let a church make them abandon good people for not being one of their group.</p>

11

<p>I think you would benefit from a couple of sessions with a therapist (either through a support group or referred by one) who can assess your mental and emotional health and help you to make a timeline that works for you emotionally, mentally, and educationally. A therapist can help you come up with a “script” that creates the least amount of conflict possible when you talk to your family and that will hopefully help you preserve future relationships with family members. I hope your family turns out to be less harsh than you think. The choice you feel you have to make (being your gay self/losing family or sacrificing self/maintain relationships) is untenable and I look forward to the day when gay people are not in this position. Good luck to you. Do not go through this alone. There is help available and a community out there for you.</p>

12

<p>I don’t have anything to add to the great advice already posted here, but I did want to add my support. You are going through an excruciating situation. Like bessie, I look forward to the day when gay people are fully accepted. I’ve been thinking about this lately. At the Concert for Obama a couple of days before the inauguration, old footage was shown of Marian Anderson singing “My Country Tis of Thee” at the Lincoln Memorial after she’d been barred from performing at Constitution Hall because of her race. I found it so poignant to hear her, a second-class citizen, singing “Sweet land of liberty.” Right after the footage, Josh Groban and Heather Headley sang the same song, in the same place, accompanied by an all-male chorus (the whole thing is on youtube - search on “Obama Inauguration Concert Josh Groban” and look for the clip that is 5:27 long. I was wondering about the chorus, as they were not identified. I learned a few days later that HBO, who broadcast the concert, blacked out an invocation by a gay clergyman and did not identify the Gay Men’s Choir. I was again struck by the poignancy of second-class citizens singing those words.</p>

<p>Sorry to go off on a tangent.</p>

13

<p>

Depending on you major, it seems that most transfers are at the UC for 2-3 years. Consider that when calculating costs - again it depends on the major and the credits.</p>

<p>

If it’s going to happen, which is probably hard to determine with certainty, it’ll happen anyway eventually and if that happens it’ll be because they walked away - not anything you did.</p>

<p>

If you don’t agree with their philosophies, why be a member and spend the time?</p>

<p>

Why? What do you think Cal offers at the UG level that UCI doesn’t? Or are you referring to non-academics?</p>

<p>

So you’re in it primarily for the money? I know that sounds bad but that’s the way it reads.</p>

<p>As you stated, only you can decide what to do given your situation, desires, and means. If you ‘really’ want to go to Cal and don’t go you might kick yourself about it for a long time. If you really want to go (and get accepted), figure out how you’d be able to pay for it on your own as a contingency plan and if it’s even possible. If it comes down to just a year at Cal since you imply the first year is covered, the roughly $25K (assuming no full IS price) is only the price of a non-expensive car and shouldn’t be a deal-breaker. As others have said, there’s always the chance your family might surprise you in their reaction.</p>

<p>I hope it works out well for you. I’m sure it’ll be okay in the long run regardless of where you go.</p>

14

<p>My 2 cents…Don’t do anything that will burn any bridges until you are accepted at the new school, unless you would be doing it anyway. Transfer admissions are not assured, no matter how good you look on paper. You may feel you are 99% sure, but that’s not a done deal, especially at a school like Cal. As the old song says “Time is on your side”. Just concentrate on doing your best right now where you are.<br>
If you feel like you need to cut back on church activities, you can honestly claim that you need more time for school. Who doesn’t?</p>

15

<p>In your thinking about this, deal with one issue at a time: Being gay, being JW, and which college you go to. You automatically link them in your mind, and they are definitely intertwined, but try to pull it apart a bit.</p>

<p>First, is there some way that they will allow you to go to Berkeley? If not, and if your junior year is taken care of, is there a way you can swing the senior year by yourself? Investigate this. </p>

<p>The rest can take its time, and you can plan for it (as Hop said) and its ramifications. Just going to Berkeley doesn’t mean that you have to come out and resign JW at the same time. Take time to get ready for that step, get counseling, seek help from GL support groups. </p>

<p>And Dragonmom is right: Don’t be 99% sure. And don’t do anything until you get an acceptance.</p>

<p>I wish you well.</p>

16

<p>There’s a lot of great advice here, so the only thing I would add is to look into LGBT-specific scholarships. There are a lot of kind people who have been where you are and want to help people in this situation financially.</p>

17

<p>Thank you everyone and please excuse my very very very late reply. I really appreciate the few responses that I got and I am trying to make my decision appropriately. Once again thank you very, very much everyone. I’m sorry I couldn’t thank sooner.</p>