<p>As the old timers know, my kids are long past college and have moved onto that amorphous state called "Real Life". I remember the anxiety of ED/EA week very vividly however, so I thought I'd post a few reflections in case it helps anyone stay away from the bottle, the Haagen Dazs, or your own favorite form of self medication.</p>
<p>1- It is so great when your kid gets good news. You should be delirious in the privacy of your own kitchen. Many of your kids friends, or your nephew out-of-state, or your co-workers kids, or the mailman's kid, didn't get good news. So be as happy as you want to at home, and try to be empathetic outside the house. (NB- this means the practice of wearing the sweatshirt to school the next day trumpeting the admission to Yale or BC or Denison or University of Underwater Basketweaving is a very insensitive one. Even if your kid says that everyone does it. Somebody's kid is going to cringe every time your kid walks down the hall. And even if those kids who didn't get into Duke when your kid did is publicly stating, "I really didn't think I had a shot" trust me, nobody spends weeks crafting the perfect ED application if they really don't think they had a shot).</p>
<p>2- It really stinks when your kid gets bad news. Not, "oh my god, I have leukemia" bad news, but it's stinky nonetheless. So give yourself time to feel bad in private. Trust me, the first five people you try to get sympathy from are going to tell you about their 30 year old neighbor who needs a kidney transplant, or their deaf sister in law who just found out she has macular degeneration and will be blind within 2 years. So lick your wounds where nobody can try and make you feel less bad by telling you about people who have it much worse.</p>
<p>3- Your kid really needs you. You only have another year or so to model good, kind behavior, so take advantage of it. Your kid's response to good or bad news is in part, predicated on how you respond. So model gracious winning, disappointed but not falling apart losing, bake a batch of cookies, and show your kid how life goes on. I know SO MANY FAMILIES who turned either yes or no or deferred until Springtime into a soap opera which consumed the entire family, made the younger kids lives a living hell, and virtually guaranteed that by September, the off- to- college kid sort of wished s/he had joined the Marines and avoided all the hystrionics.</p>
<p>Most important- if your kid wants to go to college- any college- come next Fall, it's important that you don't start communicating all the things wrong with second or third or not as desirable U, or communicate unrealistic expectations of the first choice college (even if, or especially if your kid is accepted.) Things like, "you have it made" or "your ticket is punched for sure" or "you won the lottery" may sound supportive, but every fall we have parents posting that their kid is absolutely miserable at their first choice college and they don't know why. I know why- kids are encouraged to have such unrealistic expectations of what college will be like, that no reality can compete. If you all as a family decide to "reach" financially even though there are more affordable options available- that's a decision. You don't get to suddenly make jokes about selling your plasma or taking in boarders (unless that is indeed part of your plan). It makes all of your kids resentful- both the kid whose dreams are being funded, and the kids who know they're facing four years of resentful thrift by everyone.</p>
<p>4- And Then the Oracle Will be Silent-</p>
<p>In the end It doesn't matter. I know kids who are living on Mom's couch at age 25 who were destined to set the world on fire when they got that coveted EA admission to Harvard or Cal Tech. I know a kid who is working in the White House developing models for Health Care reform, who actually sits at the table when the President is briefed, who has a degree in Economics from a college that none of you have heard of. There are young people working in dead end, minimum wage jobs who were Magna Cum Laude at top tier schools, and people who have already been promoted twice by age 25 and are on a fast track, earning six figure incomes, who haven't yet finished college since they work full time and are completing night school.</p>
<p>All things being equal- what your child brings to college will be a greater determinant of his or her success than what they take away from the college. So if your kid has shown grit and determination in a part- time job, in Scouts; if your religious leader says that your kid is the one the younger kids always want to chaperone activities or "hang out" with them; if your kid has overcome obstacles and come away having learned something; if your kid has the attitude that hard work and resilience are the keys to success- well then it just doesn't matter a whole lot where they go to college.</p>
<p>If your kid believes that people who are successful have connections, were born rich, get a leg-up because they are attractive or have a pedigreed last name- well then, sure, your kid had better go to his or her top choice college, just so there won't be any obstacles in their path.</p>
<p>But if you have managed to raise a kid who believes in hard work, doesn't walk around with a massive case of entitlement, and likes to be challenged-- this week will be a stressful one, but you should take a victory lap because in the end- it just won't matter.</p>
) level-headed, but it’s so easy to get caught up in the tension and anticipation of this process so that before you know it, you’re not any more reflective or calm than the waiting teen! </p>