<p>My S got deferred in his first choice and he is devastated. There are a couple of other EA results pending, but he seems to have completely lost his confidence, he his blaming himself, thinks he has let down everybody (himself, us, his teachers, those who wrote his recs etc.) We have tried to assure him that we still love, things will work out, we are not disappointed in him, there is still another day, but he seems inconsolable. With his finals coming up next week, we are trying our best. Any advice would be appreciated.</p>
<p>Hi Ckohsa, Oh boy, I know how this feels, as the same thing happened to my son 4 years ago. He was deferred[ and that was a terrible shock] by the college his Dad attended, and where other, lower stat kids were admitted that Dec. But all was NOT lost. He got over his shock quickly with the help of supportive friends and family , knuckled down after finals were over, and did a great job tweaking and polishing his other essays over the Xmas break. Come April, he was accepted at every other college he applied to. Take all pressure off him for the next 3 weeks. He knows what he has to do.
If he has other applications to submit what you could do is offer to be his sect.- offering to be the one who will spend the time doing the mindless online data entry on his applications- filling in the name, address, SS#, grades, SAT scores, etc, etc etc online, so he can spend his time concentrating on his essays.</p>
<p>menloparkmom Thanks. The other issue here is that he has couple of other decisions pending and while they are also stretch schools, his chances there are in my opinion better and I am cautiously optimistic at least one will be positive. However, there is still a possibility that he may not be accepted by those schools and we are concerned about how he will react if that were to happen. </p>
<p>Meanwhile he has been accepted into the flagship state school (safety) with some aid with a strong possibility of more aid, he has applied to some target schools (decisions in April) and there are 3-4 other schools he would like to apply and was holding off for these decisions and I will offer to do what you have suggested for those applications. Any suggestions on how to prepare for the next few days as we do not know what is in store. </p>
<p>When he applied, I had explained to him the concept of stretch schools and why he needed to apply to a variety of schools that were acceptable to him. I think my mistake was that I assumed that he was mature enough (he is mature for his age) to understand the implications and take a “I tried my best and and I am glad I did not get rejected” view rather than a total meltdown.</p>
<p>ckhosa - Last year, my D was devastated when she was deferred from her dream school. She didn’t want to hear any stories about this working out for others and it seems like distraction was the only thing that helped. However, she did expend some energy (a few weeks later) writing a letter about her new accomplishments since her application was sent in, why the school was her dream school, and had an AP teacher send another letter of recommendation (explaining in her letter why she was doing this). The end of the story, however, is this: she was waitlisted at the school in March,but then was accepted in early April (probably after they got some turn-downs). With serious contemplation, she turned them down and went to another school. She is thrilled with her choice and is so happy that she did not accept the dream school. She has friends going there and feels that her final choice was a better fit for her.</p>
<p>ckosha - I have a much longer tale about D1 which I won’t go into at this time, but it dragged out to May (waitlist). It was heartbreaking when D1 asked me in April if I was still proud of her. She also felt like she’s let everyone down. I totally missed that because there was not one moment that I wasn’t proud of her. I was proud of how hard she worked in high school, I was proud of the way she picked up herself after she was deferred from her ED, and I was so proud on her she continued to work hard in senior year. I just assumed she knew and I didn’t have to tell her. Let your son know how proud you are of him.</p>
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<p>Ckohsa, I can empathize, my son was deferred from a school he was sure he would get in and all of his best friends did get in to. He’s pretty upset (although it wasn’t his first choice school -he was 100% certain he would get in) and it has been a blow to his confidence. Rejection stinks, no matter how mature we are. Your son will probably have a few bad days and move on.</p>
<p>What helped my son is we sat down yesterday and went through the Naviance data for every school he is applying to (he refused to look at it before - the deferral was a real wake-up call to him). I think he now has a better understanding that the odds are against him at his reach schools. He will hear from his #1 choice (high reach school) next week. I would be thrilled if he got a deferral - I think a rejection is in the cards. I’ve told him repeatedly that it is very unlikely he will get in.</p>
<p>Remember - there is enormous pressure on these kids right now. It’s not just about being deferred or rejected - the kids all know who applied where and it becomes a little bit of a competition to see who can get into the ‘best’ school and it really sucks to have to tell your friends you didn’t get in (especially when others did get accepted). I think, for my son, that is the hardest part. He’s a good student but several of his friends are outstanding students and he feels like he is not measuring up. To make matters worse, some of these kids really promote the idea that if you don’t get into one of the ‘top’ schools, your life is over. Ugh! Had to spent a lot of time yesterday talking son down from that ridiculous idea. Still not sure he gets it.</p>
<p>Hugs and just remember time heals most wounds.</p>
<p>S is going through the same experience right now. It took a while for S to wake up and do better in school. He’s one of those smart kids who didn’t apply themselves - but now he gets it and we’re proud of him for that. And now, with the economic troubles of our state schools, it’s an uphill climb. The schools have a bigger pool of applicants from which to choose and S with his stats may not look great.<br>
He’s now looking at private schools and keeping his fingers crossed.</p>
<p>"Any suggestions on how to prepare for the next few days as we do not know what is in store. "
Ckohsa,
I think that the following is a really good idea right now, ESPECIALLY if all his other early applications were to reach schools.
“'What helped my son is we sat down yesterday and went through the Naviance data for every school he is applying to (he refused to look at it before - the deferral was a real wake-up call to him). I think he now has a better understanding that the odds are against him at his reach schools.”</p>
<p>If he hasn’t already, he needs to find some match colleges that really do have what he wants[ except the name]. He should probably assume that he won’t get into his other reach schools, IF they are as competitive as the college that deferred him. Tell him that it’s not a reflection of HIS worth, it’s a reflection of the sheer numbers of students all applying early to the same colleges. Most are not going to be accepted.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your suggestions. We did try and sit down with him and assure him that we were very proud of him (thanks Oldfort), we tried to explain to him that he needed to finish his school exams and concentrate on the remaining applications and I would help him with all the administrative support as suggested by menlopark mom.</p>
<p>The problem is that he is very sensitive at this stage and yes did not want to hear that it worked out for others (as was case with Twoparent’s D). We have tried to set the expectations that the other two schools may not be acceptances either but that made it worse as he interpreted it as “if all 3 schools reject they are all saying I am useless”. Obviously it is a little raw and the message melnoparkmom said about it not being a reflection of his worth fell on deaf ears. </p>
<p>I think a lot of what MomLive said is going on, the feeling from friends and others that if you do not get into the school of first choice or a top school, you are scarred for life. Not an easy idea to dissude and I do not think that my son got it either. </p>
<p>But as Momlive says, time and hugs is the great healer. We need to just wait it out and over the next two weeks and he will get over it. Meanwhile he needs to work on a response to the school of his first choice to show them he is still interested. Thanks again and good luck to all other parents in the same boat. Other suggestions are always welcome</p>
<p>We’ve tried to help our kids focus on the best school for them instead of going for what everyone says in the best school. S’s idea of the best school is an LAC closer to home while D is looking at larger (she calls, tongue in cheek, “brand name”) schools farther from home.</p>
<p>S is waiting for his EA results on Tuesday from a highly competitive school. He is the silent type, who isn’t sharing his anxiety, and I’m afraid to ask, because I don’t want to add to it. Even though I know admission to this school is a longshot for almost all applicants, I find myself quite nervous waiting for the results. Hopefully he is calmer than I am. It’s nice to have all you other parents to talk to. It’s been a few years since I’ve been on these boards (last time was when older child was a senior) and I am struck by how supportive both the kids and the parents are of one another. Good luck to all.</p>
<p>Ckosha, just keep at it. They need to hear that it will work out, repeatedly.</p>
<p>Another thing I did yesterday is made a list (together) of all the people he knows that he considers ‘successful’ . And then we talked about where they went to school. Most went to the State U or some other lesser known school. I’m talking about doctors, lawyers, CPAs, business owners, engineers, etc. These are all people wealthy enough to afford private schools, great vacations, nice homes, a stay-at-home parent, etc. This is the environment he has grown up in (he’s been in a private school all along) and is how he defines successful at this point in his young life (I’ve tried to teach him there are other types of ‘non-financial’ success but he’s too immature to see that yet).</p>
<p>The point I was trying to make with him is it’s not about where you go to school but how much drive and ambition you have…how hard you are willing to work and what you are willing to sacrifice to get there. Going to a ‘top’ school is no assurance of a guaranteed career on easy street.</p>
<p>I think the kids (and parents) need a little space to be sad and to lick their wounds. And then you keep repeating (hopefully using different words each time) that you don’t love them for what they accomplish but for who they are. You love them for getting A’s, you love them for getting B’s, you love them for getting C’s, you value them for all the reasons that make them good people and kind and sensitive and ethical, and not because of some book award or honor role or outward validation.</p>
<p>And then try to be as encouraging as you can when you see that they’re feeling kicked in the teeth. And try to stifle the urge to wallow or to second guess. (“well if you’d taken AP physics like I told you to instead of taking another semester of Jazz ensemble, who knows how it would have ended up?”) </p>
<p>Just acknowledge hurt and disappointment, and model the kind of resilient “let’s keep moving despite our anger” that is going to get the rest of those essays and applications out the door.</p>
<p>And it never hurts to remind them of times in their lives when they didn’t get a part in a play, were cut from the soccer team, or were passed over for a class office, and it ended up working out just fine- they joined the debate team, the photography club, or took up film editing, and now they love that activity and wouldn’t dream of ever dropping it.</p>
<p>Hugs to all of you. It hurts.</p>
<p>Well the short story is my S got deferred in 2 of his 3 choices but did get into one of them which at one time he liked a lot. He is very upset and has taken the attitude if the college admitted me, they cannot be very good. We have been trying to get him to regroup and consider the college he has got into (a top 10 school based on USWR rankings) and I chanced upon this essay. I am not sure my son fully gets it, but I thought I would pass it on. It was in the context of having a baby with special needs, but I think it is equally applicable to the situation at hand: not making it to your top choice</p>
<p>[Welcome</a> to Holland](<a href=“http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html]Welcome”>http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html)
WELCOME TO HOLLAND</p>
<p>by
Emily Perl Kingsley.</p>
<p>(c) 1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved</p>
<p>I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…</p>
<p>When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.</p>
<p>After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”</p>
<p>“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”</p>
<p>But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.</p>
<p>The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.</p>
<p>So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.</p>
<p>It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around… and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills…and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.</p>
<p>But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”</p>
<p>And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.</p>
<p>But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.</p>