<p>“Assist them only to the extent that you can”</p>
<p>That’s how the family got into this mess to begin with. Financial strings should be cut at a certain point whether there are financial problems or not. </p>
<p>I agree with the others. What’s with all the car entitlements? Keep paying the parent loans as you made an obligation to do that. I don’t feel that grad school should be on the parent’s dollar though I respect those who think differently. There are evening law school opportunities.</p>
<p>I really don’t get needing a car in Japan.
Isn’t Japan known for their public transportation?</p>
<p>I know that kids often choose to do programs in other countries after college or during, but don’t they choose program where they can afford the expenses?</p>
<p>Did you take out the car loans? Are you co-signers? The cars are already purchased, so you can’t “opt-out”. The parent loans are already in place, again no “opt out”.
Depending on divorce issues, you may need to incur further parent loans for some of the kids…but here’s my take:
It’s time for the oldest two to assume responsibility for themselves. If DD23 wants to be in Japan, fine, but she needs to pay her own Direct Loan. Your paying the car payment while DSD uses the car makes sense, but happens when DD23 returns? There should be a plan in place BEFORE DSD takes the car to her mom’s. In writing is likely best. Oh, she’s on her own for grad school—and the car payment when she gets the car back.
DSS needs to get a job if he wants rent money. If he doesn’t want a job, he doesn’t need a car. You can transfer the car to DSD when DD23 returns from Japan. No reason to buy another car. No further parent loans.<br>
D20 needs a hug. Since you have no parent loans, I’d pay the car/insurance. And put $50 or so aside for her each month. When she needs money you will have it.
DSD18 will have transportation. Why are you paying her mother rent? Does the mother contribute to DSS car payment? I don’t get it, but if you have to do it, ok. But if you don’t send walking around money to D20 then DSD doesn’t need it either. You might set aside the $50 a month, but she needs to get a job. Is she planning to transfer to a university? Are there future parent loans for this student?</p>
<p>Really, the oldest two need to accept responsibility for themselves, so there are funds for the youngest two. Even DSS23…he shouldn’t just stay in college forever on your dime.</p>
<p>Since most cars depreciate rather quickly, I doubt the proceeds from the sale of the cars would cover the loans. If the sale of the car would cover the loan, then it would make sense. </p>
<p>The biggest hurdle seems to be the attitude of all involved. The kids seem to expect cars and other financial assistance, and the oldest two don’t want to accept responsiblility for themselves, limiting funds avaliable for the younger kids.</p>
<p>Are the ex-spouses contributing anything? If not, twist their arms a bit.</p>
<p>Have you told the kids what your financial situation is in gory detail?</p>
<p>DD23- cut loose. If she is in Japan, sell the car and pay off the loan. Law school is right out unless she pays for it. When she comes back she can buy another car for cheap that won’t have a loan.</p>
<p>DSS - time for tough love - he’s 2-3 years behind a normal schedule, he needs to get a job and go to school part-time if necessary to pay for his own school and living expenses. When he’s 24 he will be independent for FA, maybe that will help. If he can’t make the car payment he (or you) needs to sell it and buy something used that won’t have a loan and will have cheaper insurance.</p>
<p>DD - while she is still in school I think it is ok to pay her car/ins, since she is covering all of her college and living expenses.</p>
<p>DSD - she needs a job to pay for a car and insurance. I might pay for CC if she does well.</p>
<p>
I don’t understand this at all. Court-ordered support ends at 18 AFAIK, unless it is for college. If she is living with her mother, let her mother pay for her. Or let her pay rent to her mother.</p>
<p>Agree with everyone about car payments and cutting off the older two. But, make sure you’re on the same page with your H and that you two have a united front. Otherwise, it could get ugly.</p>
<p>My experience has been that kids have a hard time with sudden transitions. My suggestion is that you and your husband come up with a plan and then write the kids a letter discussing your changed circumstances, your need to plan for your own future, and their transition to financial independence. You might even make it a one year transition to give them plenty of time to find jobs and make plans. </p>
<p>One other thing I’ve found with my own kids is that it can be useful to give them a set amount of money and then let them make their own decisions about priorities. They seem to make better choices about spending “their” money than they do about mine. That would also make it easier to treat them “fairly” by giving a set amount determined by age. </p>
<p>Sometimes with my kids, it’s not even about the money but about their perception that they’re being abandoned (I know that’s very dramatic but it is the sense I get). For example, my daughter needed to go on her own separate car insurance policy because she was over 25, had her own car, and was not living near us. (I didn’t want a situation where she tried to make a claim and the insurance company balked at paying because the car was registered at our address.) I offered to continue paying for it and even so, she was upset. She is a kid who has always had a hard time with change. I remember how angry she was as a preschooler when I insisted that she put on her own socks!</p>
<p>Sorry - I digress. My point, though, is that an abrupt end to your largess might be quite shocking to the kids, even if, as many posters have pointed out, it is entirely reasonable and just.</p>
<p>I guess there were reasons for it, but a car for each child, unless they needed it to get to school, seems way too many. </p>
<p>I guess you will have to pay for anything that you have signed for, and if the court requires payments for 18 y.o. you will have to, but short of that, I would suggest that cars be the first things to go. Student loans taken only by the student should be paid at least in some portion by the student. If you can not continue to subsidize lifestyle choices, you shouldn’t do it.</p>
<p>I would not take on a car payment for my D; she can have one of our old cars (and a new one would be for H) when she is able to drive on her own. I have a step D, and she and her H are not responsible with money, imho (H agrees). If they really needed money we would give it to them, but since they buy designer goods with their “limited” funds, we don’t give them much money since they obviously don’t know how to budget (and desperately need to learn).</p>
<p>I agree, cut the older ones loose and help the younger ones, in reason. I think the car situation is a terrible burden. My sons both had to work in HS to buy their own cars and pay for all related expenses. They can probably “downsize” on the car thing - buy used cars that have less or no payments if it is important for them to have cars. Taking on all of those parent loans is enough! I have one here at home who is moving out next month, he has chosen not to have a car - his problem. The other one goes away to college. He doesn’t have a car and works two jobs at college to cover his cost. While I think it’s nice to help your kids I also believe that having to work for things gives them a taste of the “real” world. Of the parents here how many of us were given cars and the insurance paid…etc? I know I sound tough, but that is the way it is. As garland says above they are welcome to live at home it they have need.</p>
I always had to pay my own insurance, but for each of us our first car was the old high mileage parent’s car. They would get something newer and instead of trading something in, would give it to a kid.</p>
<p>My first car was an 18 year old Chevy Nova (which actually was my grandfather’s first). My sister’s first car was a 9 year old Ford Grenada.</p>
<p>My son’s first car is a 10 year old Buick LeSabre which was his grandfather’s. My daughter’s first car will likely be our minivan, which is 7yrs/150,000+ miles old.</p>
<p>my first car…senior year of college cost $300. My brother gave it to me. I paid the insurance. My son bought a 16 year old car out of his savings. We are currently paying insurance but that will stop in Sept…he graduated in May. I can’t imagine funding a loan. </p>
<p>To the OP, I like the idea of announcing a plan and phasing it in over a few months. And I agree that the older kids should lose funding first.</p>
<p>DH and I just had a long discussion the other night about “fairness.” It had nothing to do with money, but just the idea that equality is always attainable. It’s not and the sooner our children understand that life is essentially unfair and learn to appreciate when they are lucky, they will be happier. </p>
<p>I won’t give advice on the specifics, but I think the most important issue is conveying to your kids that circumstances have changed, what you intended to do was no longer possible, and that everyone will be making sacrifices. Those who are older will be expected to do the most, as they have benefited from your generosity the longest and are in a better position to help themselves. </p>
<p>Actually, I really believe this is the best thing to happen to them. None of them should ever take a job for granted or assume that money will always be there. Better to learn that when you are young with no responsibilities than when you are too old to make changes. </p>
<p>DD’s best friend in college is a young woman whose parents are immigrants from China. They work very, very hard and have very little. D’s friend sends money that she earns while a student home to her family. It has been quite the eye opener for our D.</p>
I used to get random checks in the mail every once in a while, because my parents would give my older brother money (for various reasons he took 8 years to get through school) for something, so to be “fair” they would give me the same amount.</p>
<p>I thought it was strange, but I never minded. :)</p>
<p>^^notrich…we try to be “fair” with all three kids so we “even up” now and then, also, but we are very clear about timing and when the parental bank closes. There is a window of opportunity to have college financed by us…that alone is impetus for the kids to “get 'er done” and not dwadle along the way and they understand that perfectly.</p>
<p>We tell our kids that we treat them equally, but that doesn’t always mean the same. Invariably, there are ebbs and flows in terms of who’s getting what at any given time, but we think we’re “fair” enough. For instance, one boy’s sport requires more expensive equipment, but he played in a local rec league. The other’s sport didn’t require expensive equipment but much more money for tournaments and such. Not the “same” but “equal.”</p>
<p>I do think it’s important to verbalize these things to the kids so that there are no misunderstandings.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t finance cars, or any car expenses for anyone. If they want to have cars, they should pay for them themselves…or at least that’s my opinion. You’re making a ton of car payments. Just getting rid of those would really ease up your monthly expenses. I would tell the kids they had to pay for their own cars…or sell them and by something thing they CAN afford.</p>
<p>Give the 23 year olds 3 months notice that they will be responsible for their own bills as of that date.</p>
<p>Any loan payments you are making on behalf of your kids…again if you can’t swing this…give them a time limit and tell them when they will need to pick up the tabs.</p>
<p>Personally I would scrub floors to make sure my kids had health insurance so I would pay for that one.</p>
I think a lot of the checks I got were after my parents helped out with my brother’s tuition at the local campus of the state U for years 3-8. Of course, that long ago, going part time, it was maybe $100/semester. :eek:</p>
<p>I bought my 1st car, with the money that was taken from a small ins policy- I received $1000, when my father died- I was 17.
Came in handy as it was pretty hard to get to work in the suburbs/country without one- I had been walking.
( I didn’t spend ALL that on the car- I bought some clothes too)</p>