<p>I say 23 is old enough to be “cut loose.” (Heck, at 23 I was married and fully self supporting) It’s wonderful to help out adult kids when you CAN … but you have had a personal setback & you need to let the kids know that it’s just not feasible anymore. The parent loans you are paying are enough “help,” if you ask me.</p>
<p>Don’t feel bad about cutting back on aid to the two oldest.</p>
<p>A discussion with each kid about the changed financial situation is in order. Do the college students live on campus? If so, I don’t understand why they would need a car.</p>
<p>When I first read the OP, I thought it was a fake until I saw that it wasn’t a new poster.</p>
<p>Wow…that’s my first reaction. I’ve never heard of having kids that age and still paying for so many of their things.</p>
<p>and for the summer we are paying his rent since he has no job.</p>
<p>huh???</p>
<p>And, what’s with paying all the car loans???</p>
<p>I can understand continuing paying college costs since what you do for one, you kind of have to do for the rest…but all these car loans? rent? insurance? </p>
<p>When do they become adults???</p>
<p>I know parents want to help their kids- we see this in K-12 school as well, parents taking on responsibilities of the children because they are :* so busy, tired, stressed*.</p>
<p>Then the parents start writing their college essays for them, giving them generous allowances in college so that they can have more free time and apparently allowances so that they don’t need to feel stressed because they can’t budget.</p>
<p>All this undermines the childs ability to feel capable, their motivation to become independent- and it ties them to their parents as adult children instead of learning the joys that come with being responsible for yourself.</p>
<p>It isn’t just the OP, it is a understandable situation parents get into because they don’t want their children to do without or be uncomfortable.</p>
<p>But if they are not taking over their own care when they have graduated high school or college- something magically is not going to happen when they are 25 or 30, where they can learn to live within their means, because they have become used to a higher standard of living than they can afford.</p>
<p>Thank goodness for credit cards.
;)</p>
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<p>This is very, very true.</p>
<p>I think in some cases, though certainly not all, the desire to keep children dependent so that the parent can fulfill their OWN desires to remain needed drives this behavior.</p>
<p>There is nothing wrong with an adult child doing without or being uncomfortable. Remember the saying “Necessity is the mother of invention?” When they get tired of doing without and being uncomfortable, they often seem to find a way to provide for themselves. If they know there is always a safety net in place, there is no real incentive to become completely self sufficient and live within their means.</p>
<p>“A discussion with each kid about the changed financial situation is in order.”</p>
<p>The problem goes beyond that. A discussion about finances and cutting the financial cord should happen despite changed financial situations. Your family needs a plan and I would suggest a third party financial counselor because of the blended family. A third party will really help take the heat off you from the kids and help the two of you be a cohesive unit.</p>
<p>I am the OP. I wrote this post, and then decided not to post it. Somehow it got posted anyway.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your input. To answer some of the questions:</p>
<p>DD23 that is in Japan - we were going to sell the car, but now DSD18 is driving it. I wanted to get rid of it, but DSD18 lives in a more remote area and will be going to community college, so no job, no school if she does not have a car.</p>
<p>DSS23- I am strongly against paying his rent and strongly against paying for anymore college. DH does not agree. This is were it gets tricky, when it is not your biological child. However, he is in South Dakota, and we are in Florida, so it did make some sense to let him stay there the summer. I just did not anticipate that he would spend the summer playing video games. He says he is looking for a job. I’m not sure.</p>
<p>DD20- Can’t bring myself to ask her for anything. She is the only one that does not ask me for anything. It was my decision years ago to buy her a car, and there are only 5 months to go on it.</p>
<p>DD18- lives with her mom. Her mom is charging her $150 a month in rent since we finally get to stop paying child support. She has no job, so DH will be paying her rent. </p>
<p>I want to put it out that that we can afford to pay all of this, but it is severely limiting our lives. We are putting money in 401ks, paying rent here, paying for the house payment that our renters don’t cover, paying our bills on time. It’s just that there is hardly anything left when we are done. We are living like broke 21 years olds. </p>
<p>For me, the biggest problem is DSS. I want to cut him off. He has not taken advantage of his opportunities. Since DH does not want to cut him off, it is tough to have the conversation with my 2 girls. How do I ask them to take on more responsiblity for their own expenses when they know we are spending twice as much on DSS?</p>
<p>Vderon, your situation sounds very tough, with the blended family. I do not envy you. I think the most telling statement you made is that you any your husband are living like broke 21 year olds…</p>
<p>How about a discussion with DH as to when you are going to cut off all the kids- 23 or 24 sounds good!</p>
<p>Then it won’t be about your kids v his kids, it will apply to all the kids</p>
<p>How about going to a financial counselor and let him/her advise you. </p>
<p>I don’t know your situation, but sometimes divorced parents feel guilty so they think paying for these things somehow makes amends. Could that be what’s going on with your H and your stepson?</p>
<p>It’s definitely not a “one size fits all” family, is it? Since you are still financially afloat, I would think about phase-out plans for the older ones that are 6 to 18 months long and tailor them to the kids. How can the stepson accelerate his college plans in order to graduate earlier? What are his plans for after graduation? I would be really concerned that he is not in some kind of internship or employment so close to his senior year. That is a huge red flag, and quite separate from the situation of the rest of the family, IMO.</p>
<p>You also need to know what commitment, if any, your husband would agree to in helping the daughter who wants to go to law school. Better she should know now… Getting these discussions and plans underway for the older kids will make the plans for the younger ones so much easier. And don’t feel put out about the difference in price tags among the kids - think of financial acumen as a physical power. Some of your kids have had the experience and commitment to become bodybuilders, and some are still undeveloped and unmotivated.</p>
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<p>Good advice. This would help spouse to “see the light” from an independent person with no iron in the fire.</p>
<p>Here’s a different approach:</p>
<p>Take your monthly income.
Deduct out your monthly bills, include the college and car costs of the 18 and 20 year olds.
And deduct also an amount for you and H to enjoy life a bit more than broke 21 year olds…</p>
<p>Divide the remainder by 6 to determine each person’s ‘family allowance’.</p>
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<p>You’ve got to be kidding! That’s nothing but extortion to keep the child support coming. The rent issue is between DSD18 and her mom–there’s no way your DH should be paying a dime of it. Is the mom going to throw the girl out of the house if she doesn’t pay rent? Is mom expecting DH to pay DSD18’s rent until she graduates from college? Is DH foolish enough to do that? DSD18 needs to get her little butt out to Wal-Mart or McDonald’s and get a job.</p>
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<p>She’s 18. That’s a little rough. Most of our kids would be pretty horrified that mom has started charging rent the second they turned 18. It’s not the kid’s fault if her mom is arm-twisting. I haven’t read anything here to warrant that kind of attitude.</p>
<p>"Is the mom going to throw the girl out of the house if she doesn’t pay rent? "</p>
<p>She kicked DSS out when he was about the same age. Neither ex in this situation is any help at all. The mom in question has been “going to school” for 10 years while we paid a really hefty child support payment. We let her keep all the equity in the house when she sold it because she told the kids they would have nowhere to live if we didn’t. When she kicked DSS out, she kept his car- the only car that had ever been provided by one of our exes… </p>
<p>My ex is a nice guy basically, but he has been off and on disability and is not a factor in the kids finances. </p>
<p>I used the small amount of child support that he paid to fund the kids College Illinois prepaid college program , and I am glad I did. Having that money for DD’s college has been a life saver since our finances went south. Sadly, my DH did not do it for his kids, so they will end up with more loans.</p>
<p>We paid for everything their whole lives- band camps, dance lessons , bowling team, school trips, prom dresses, college, cars, you name it. </p>
<p>You know , it’s funny. When I look at my life through all of your eyes, I start thinking I look crazy. I’m really not. We had the financial resources to help the kids. It’s just that since we did help them, now that we need them to help themselves it’s a tough change to make.</p>
<p>You’re over thinking the particulars here.</p>
<p>It’s not bad to be on your own as an adult. It’s scary at first, but then you realize you can do it, pay for you own rent, pay for your own car or not have a car if you want to spend your money on something else. It can be very liberating and it feels really good not to have to ask anyone for money. I can already tell you the one who isn’t going to come to you for money, it’s the one who already doesn’t ask you for anything. She already knows what it means to be a grown-up.</p>
<p>As far as the fairness goes, I don’t think siblings expect to be treated the same as step-siblings. Siblings expect to be treated the same as each other, but not the same as step siblings, the parents are different and come from different financial circumstances.</p>
<p>As far as the $150.00 per month in rent goes, that isn’t that much money and your step-daughter should be able to earn that on her own if she needs to. I hear your legitimate anger at the ex-wife about the past manipulation. All of your step-kids are old enough now so the financial support to her can stop. You can be free of that obligation.</p>
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The kids are addicted to their parents’ money, and when the supply is cut off there is going to be much wailing and gnashing of teeth while they go through withdrawal.</p>
<p>Here’s my suggestions, FWIW:</p>
<p>1) You and hubby have GOT to get on the same page regarding how long you are going to continue to give money to the kids. You need to come together about DS23, you can’t be sabotaging each other.</p>
<p>2) The kids need to know that you made a mistake in not clearly outlining how/when the purse strings get cut when they were younger, and you are rectifying this now.</p>
<p>3) The kids need to understand that your situation has changed and you can no longer afford to fund them forever.</p>
<p>4) The older kids need to take over their obligations now. Maybe 3 months to wean off your oldest D, maybe give S23 one more semester. After that they pay their own cars/insurance, S23 pays his own tuition/living expenses/everything else. He’s not a kid any more.</p>
<p>5) The younger ones should be given some support until they hit 21 if you can afford it, but this is contingent upon having a job, or being in school, or both. For the D covering all her own expenses for college, consider putting a little money aside if you can and reward her with a trip or something when she graduates.</p>
<p>6) The $150 “rent” to the ex is right out. It is somewhat unfair to make your D fight that battle, but she is the one living there. If she chooses to get a job and pay her mother rent, that is her business. If the mother actually kicks her out over $150… well, that should define that relationship pretty well for the D.</p>
<p>Free advice - worth every penny. :)</p>
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<p>I didn’t say it was the kid’s fault. I think the mom is being a total money-grubbing jerk to demand rent. Why does that make it OP’s DH’s responsibility to pay the rent on top of all of the college expenses? The kid should still have a summer job, regardless of whether she has to pay rent.</p>
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<p>No, you’re definitely not crazy. What you’ve done has been out of love. That was fine when you had the financial resources, but it doesn’t make sense when you’re practically living paycheck-to-paycheck. Time for the young adults to step up to the plate and assume some adult responsibilities.</p>
<p>I like mominva’s idea. If nothing else, it will help make it clear to your husband the current situation is signifcantly out of balance. Then you can work with a financial consultant to work out a new plan.
There seems to be two issues: the difference in amounts spent on your childern and your step childern and the change in financial circumstances limited the funds avaliable for all of this. Separating the issues might help resolve them. If you can set aside a similar amount for each of you to spend on your childern, then let each of you can decide to divide the funds as you like. If it seems more realistic to set more aside for DH’s childern, then do it–and stick to it. Make sure the amounts allow for a reasonable standard of living for yourselves. You are not crazy, but things have changed and the impact of that change is for everyone in the family to absorb.
FYI—Personally, I won’t be willing to pay DSS23’s rent, car payment, insurance or take out additional loans. A transition period seems reasonable, but limited and specific. The consequences of failing, not getting a job, etc should be DSS23’s, not visited on other family members.</p>