<p>All of you more experienced parents: Any advice on calling someone at your child's college? My daughter is a freshman at a small LAC, far from home, and it's hard to know if she just needs to sort things out herself or if I should call someone. Or who to call.<br>
Today she called home with a whole list of problems, some easier to deal with, but the two hard ones are academic struggles and a problem with room draw. I told her to call her advisor and the housing office and see if anyone could help. I also suggested that I could call the housing office, but she said no. I don't want to get in her way, but I do want her to have a choice in room draw. I thought she would be happier and more comfortable at school next year since she had a friend picked out to room with and they had decided to room in chem free. Now the chem free room draw numbers are out, and D. didn't get one. No idea why,since she says she followed the application procedure, but now the chem free room draw will take place tomorrow without her. She will have to be in the regular, later room draw, without the chosen roommate. She went over to the housing office, but was told that the person in charge was not in for the rest of the day, and that she should send an email, which she did. Now my instinct is to call the housing office myself, but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. It's already closed for the day, so I don't have to decide right now. Any advice?</p>
<p>In general, I feel as if she needs a little bit more advice and help at school. She has</p>
<p>It looks like your post was cut off.
What is chem-free? Please don't say that it's a dorm where illegal substances are not allowed (which begs the question, are they allowed in the other dorms?)</p>
<p>I'm hoping chem-free may refer to a place where caustic chemical products (cleaning) are not used? If so, you may be able to make the case that your daughter needs to be there for overriding health reasons.</p>
<p>If it's a lottery process, it's probably too late. However, you could ask whether all the i's were dotted and t's crossed just to make sure the same thing doesn't happen next time.</p>
<p>You think they will not survive these housing debacles but they do. They pride themselves on surviving it. </p>
<p>The housing department hates to get calls from parents. They hate to get calls from Deans who have been contacted by parents. They are not above spite, in my experience.</p>
<p>Don't contact the housing department or her advisor or her Dean until her actual, not imagined, safety or well-being is in jeapordy.</p>
<p>She may have made a mistake in her app and these are the consequences.</p>
<p>At most colleges with a housing "lottery" the sophomores are the "low men on the totem pole", and have the worst draw. It gets better for upperclassmen. That's just the way it is.</p>
<p>As the mom of a rising sophomore at an LAC, I offer this...you don't "step in to help struggling freshman" you listen on the phone, you read the emails, you offer an adult's perspective, and you cross your fingers. This too shall pass. </p>
<p>Let her "fight her battles" with housing, if she wants to. I know (I mean I KNOW!) it's hard to not jump to her rescue, but she's not on the playground anymore, she's moving into adulthood, and that also comes with bumps and bruises along the way.</p>
<p>Welcome to the Soph Slump. Welcome to the should have gotten a plan earlier with several backups. No mother should be calling housing at this early date. Housing assignments at many schools occur all summer long. Plans change, kids don't have transfer letters yet........openings do occur. Let your kid handle this.</p>
<p>I would definitely "interfere" on an issue like chem free dorms. It might also be worth considering off campus housing. I can understand problems with matching roommates but not limitations on substance free dorms.</p>
<p>Since your D already sent an email to housing, it appears that she is handling it and you shouldn't chime in with housing. Perhaps you should suggest that the "chosen roommate" should contact housing as well, to explain there was a mix up. It's confusing bec it sounds like chosen roommate will get a room in the chem-free (this is substance-free, right) dorm, but she'll be randomly assigned a roommate rather than getting your D. Both D and CR should contact housing and explain the situation. It might be fixable. </p>
<p>I understand the frustration from afar. My S and three friends had their seemingly well-laid plans to share a suite fall through when two found out they have to live in frat houses next year. My S decided he didn't want to enter the random roommate pool required to keep on-campus housing, so he is planning to move in with an older ultimate-frisbee buddy in an apartment in off-campus housing. I am not thrilled about it, but that's how it is. He is going to be 19 next fall and it's time to cut the apron strings.</p>
<p>However, I WOULD "step in to help a struggling freshman" in other circumstances, especially when said freshman shows symptoms of depression or other instances where I suspected that the student was, for some reason beyond his/her control, unable to cope.</p>
<p>(Sorry if I'm sounding dramatic--recently learned of a student's death...)</p>
<p>The best advice............let your D work it out herself. That is what college is all about. No matter what happens, as long as it's not a life or death situation, she needs to learn to deal. Most small LAC's have lots of support and encourage the students to use the services available to them. If they choose not too, then they get to deal with the consequences. My D attends a small LAC and at matriculation, the President of the university addressed this very issue, telling parents that the hardest thing they will have to do, is to do nothing. I totally agree........it is very difficult to sit on your hands and not help, especially if you have always been a "hands-on" involved parent. Fortunately for me, my D is VERY clear that she does NOT want me to intervene. The one exception is when her bank account nears zero! Good luck doing nothing!</p>
<p>A friend's daughter transferred last fall, then suddenly realized transfers had no housing guarantee. She found an apt near campus with roommates. They turned out to be the roommates from hell (for her) partying noisily til 4am daily, trying to get her to join in. She started having anxiety attacks. This is when a parent SHOULD step in to make something else happen. My friend did step in (her daughter had tried without results) and stuck with it until her daughter got appropriate housing. This can be a life or death issue. Usually it's fine just to support your kid in taking care of it.</p>
<p>In my example # 13, this was a large university, but I believe it could happen at a small LAC. Let the kids give it their best shot. If that doesn't work and they are miserable, it might be time to get involved.</p>
<p>I tend to agree that she probably needs to work this out herself, but it's hard to do nothing! I don't know why she didn't get on the list for room draw since she thinks she signed up properly, but it looks as if now the roommate she chose will be stuck in the substance free room draw, and D. will be in the later, regular room draw. So she is back to square one as far as finding a roommate. I was happy when she told me she had found a roommate, and that they had decided to enter the room draw for the substance free dorms, because the dorm she's in this year has way too much drinking, loud parties, people throwing furniture around, vandalism, etc. Since I know she's felt uncomfortable there and somewhat lonely, I was really pleased when it sounded as if she had a plan for next year. I usually try not to interfere too much--never called the high school teachers or coaches--but it's harder when she is so far away. She sounds so miserable on the phone!</p>
<p>She should read all of the information on the housing draw, if she hasn't already. If the housing people made a mistake, they will probably fix it since she has emailed them. On most campuses, though, students may not get to live in their first choice dorm. There are too many bids and not enough spots. At a lot of schools someone who gets a certain room can "pull in" a choice of roommate instead of being assigned one.</p>
<p>I think she will sort it out...and I wonder if there is anyway she is confused about how the draw works....Back in the dark ages, you and a roommate would both apply--whomever got the higher number then drew for the room. Perhaps her app didn't make the cutoff, but if the roomie did, then they may both get in on the roommate's number? In any case, she is likely to work it out and six months from now would be amazed there was any thought (much less a whole troupe of parents) thinking on this...hang in there</p>
<p>My money is on the "both roommates get draw numbers" and list each other, ride on the best drawn number. My bet is she didn't get a number, thought roommate was good for it. Mom needs to read the housing policy and settle back and watch it happen.</p>
<p>It is very, very difficult when our kids call with struggles - be they academic, social, room draw or whatever. We feel we could help, but don't know if it's appropriate. We know the sensible steps to take - and sometimes we know they know them too - but we worry that they will not take those steps. Whether because of shyness, fear of seeming weak, general procrastination. </p>
<p>As a wise friend told me before DS headed off to school - they call you with their problems and they are miserable. You lose sleep over it for three days, worrying what to do, whether to do anything, how best to do it.</p>
<p>The fourth day, you call back with your carefully rehearsed, non-intrusive suggestions. The kid can't even remember what you're talking about.</p>
<p>I know that, at this moment, it is your fondest wish that your D will have gotten over it in 4 days. She might have, she might not. But our job as parents, imho, with college-age students, is to let them do it themselves. They will hurt, they might stumble. But they have to figure it out themselves.</p>
<p>There are exceptions, of course: signs of depression for one. But miserable room draws and confusing housing bureaucracies are not the exception. It stinks, but she'll live through it.</p>
<p>Personally, I think freshmen are the lowest ones on the totem pole--not sophs, at least in son's case. Not only do they NOT get to request a roommate, they are randomly assigned a dorm. I figure that if son can survive freshman year with all of the other adjustments that it entails, then the next 3 years should be less bumpy or at least easy to handle when issues arise. Yes, there is a lottery system for sophs, jrs. and srs and sophs are at the bottom. But, I have thought that freshmen at his school are literally handed the leftovers! Have not been thru the lottery experience yet, but at least he knows he can stay in the same dorm next year. And yes, jmmom, your post is so true!! It is very difficult when they are FAR away from home--but as son got older in HS, I tried to let him handle alot of the issues that arose in HS. In other words, I was less hands on in HS. Somehow, it is just too easy to make alot of these decisions for them during HS, and I think a lot of kids suffer when they arrive at college. Wish more HSs stressed hands off the older they get. Guess that's why boarding schools are so popular!</p>