When do we just give up?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I started the "Tearful phone call" thread a few weeks ago. I guess you can tell things are not getting better. DD has had a tough time of it. Her room mate could star in the movie Mean Girls II, the College Years. She has encountered lots of girl games and emotional abuse. I have urged, pleaded even, for her to get out of the situation but the window for roommate changes has closed. I'm not sure how but I have to believe that she could move if she really pushed it.</p>

<p>The thing that was her only hope was debate. Yesterday they were paired up and she was the odd numbered leftover with no partner. She feels she has hit the wall and nothing, not one single thing, has gone right since she stepped foot on this campus. No friends. She has gone to debate practice every day since the first week of school and now all that time is wasted also.</p>

<p>How bad does it have to get to bail out? My confident, articulate, HAPPY DD is now convinced she will fail at anything she tries. She believes the truth of the present (she is totally unlikeable and inept) vs. the past (highly accomplished and plenty of friends). I want to help her but I don't know how. I am not a helicopter parent but I will get involved if I need to, I just don't know where to start.</p>

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<p>zoeydoggie - I’m so sorry your DD is going through such a difficult time. Such a shame. Not sure how you/she feel about this, but maybe she can look into getting a part time job? Working can give her a different outlet, and maybe she can meet some other people. The roommate situation sounds dreadful, and I don’t see why she can’t put in for a change. I’m sure there have to be other incompatible roommates on campus.</p>

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<p>Join choir.
Or band.
Or the newspaper.
Or something where they need bodies, and are glad to see you.</p>

4

<p>Has she gone for counseling yet? Her problems aren’t unusual on college campuses where students who were highly accomplished in their original settings find themselves surrounded with students who are as accomplished or even more accomplished. , and the therapist could help her find a way of coping with the situation. </p>

<p>I notice that it seems that your D is seeing everything as bleak. That kind of black and white thinking is a sign of depression. Surely some things went right. For instance, she had to have met lots of people with interests similar to hers while she went to debate practice. Some of those could be cultivated as friends.</p>

<p>I also would bet that someone will have to drop out of debate. That would leave a space for her. I’ve never seen an organization in which someone didn’t have to drop out due to an unexpected conflict or a change of mine. Consequently, your D should keep in touch with the debate club and advisor, even sitting in as an extra during practice.</p>

<p>Surely, there also are other things on campus that interest her and that she could become involved in. This could include activities that she had never tried before, but has an interest in checking out.</p>

<p>On most campuses, community service activities have nice students who are extremely welcoming. It also is a boost for students to be able to do things to help others. That takes their mind off their own problems, and lets them see that they can make a difference, something that’s very empowering.</p>

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<p>I would try to move out if possible. When it comes to roommate, sometimes it doesn’t pay to be nice. I always teach my girls to be nice, but push back if people start to cross the line. I teach my kids not to take dissing from mean girls in school. Those girls usually back off once they figure out my girls will make them look rediculous in front of other people (I practice with them on what to say). Mean girls are like bullies, they will always pick on the weakest ones. My girls have also stepped in to help other kids out when they are getting bullied.</p>

<p>I am sure at this point your daughter is never going to be friends with her roommate. I would start a mean campaign against the roommate - make as much noise in the morning (or night) when the roommate is still asleep if the roommate is doing that to her, be unpleasant when the roommate is having people over (turn on the TV, iPod or just by staying in the room), not let the roommate entertain boys in the room by not giving her any privacy, step on her stuff on the floor if it’s not picked up. Just basically do everything that would bother the roommate. When the roommate can’t take it any more, then start to negotiate on how to make the living situation acceptable to both parties. Two can play the game.</p>

<p>Your daughter will find mean girls (boys) wherever she goes. She might as well learn to stand up for herselfs.</p>

<p>I think it’s a good idea to get a job. I think it’s also a good to not study in the room - go to a library, join a study group. It’s a very good way to meet people. Don’t just join one club. When she is having her meal, look around, see if there is anyone sitting there by herself/himself, then ask if she could join them. She would be surprised how lonely or insecure most freshmen are. </p>

<p>When my younger D(age 14) was ostracized by her “best friends” at the camp this summer. She was sobbing on the phone with us. My older D told her to walk the halls to see if anyone was sitting in their room by themselves. Things gradually improved in a week with new best friends. But for a while she had no one to eat with or hang out with. There is nothing worse when your child is unhappy.</p>

<p>This is too early to give up. Give it some time, things could improve just with a friend or two.</p>

6

<p>There is another kid (or a hundred) feeling the same way. They sit alone at meals. Sit with them. If they are someone you could grow to like (they don’t have to be perfect/good-looking/popular but I’d draw the line at personal hygiene and sane but that’s just me ;)), at the next meal sit with them again. If they are not there sit with the next one. By Thanksgiving it can all change. Will it? I don’t know but it’s worth a try and the price is right. Like most things in life this is just putting one foot in front of the other. Keep moving forward. Tell her good luck. She can do this and she’ll be much stronger for it.</p>

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<p>Zoey, I feel for you. Reading your post brought me right back to my D’s freshman year. My D was a homebody and she had a very tough bout w/homesickness that morphed into depression. She went thru many of the things you’ve described but she agreed to speak with a therapist at her school’s councelling center and that was very helpful.
She did stick it out for the year though she ended up transferring to a more compatable school. She did make many good friends and really wrestled with the decision to transfer.
While freshman year was miserable in many ways, my D feels she grew a lot and learned how to cope with an uncomfortable situation and she is glad she stuck it out..
My advice would be to ask your D to speak with someone in the councelling center. Your D’s very bleak perspective might be a signal that she is experiencing some depression because it is unlikely that none of the people she has met are potential friends.<br>
NSM has given you good advice and I will second it.
Seeking councelling is a really good step to take. The therapist has seen many miserable freshman and will be able to judge if your D is going thru normal amount of homesick misery or if she is heading for depression.<br>
Keep strong, I remember those long, sobbing phone calls very well. It will eventually get better, one way or another. We just took it day by day.</p>

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<p>I’ve written about this before, so I’ll try to be concise here. D had a similar roomie (sexiled her, took over the room space, very undermining, just not very nice), similar lack of finding people through her interests (hers was politics–she went to meetings of the group she was interested in, was the only frosh, and the upperclass/grad students were nice to her but had their own social lives already), was disappointed in the level of academic interest and discourse (or lack of it) in classes. </p>

<p>Was very, very discouraged. And that is natural. I wouldn’t rule out counseling, but being discouraged and disappointed is not depression–it is a reaction to a real situation.</p>

<p>However, that being said, how she proceeds is where she still has choices. As others have said, join things, say hi to people, sit by them, project interest and friendliness.</p>

<p>And, most importantly–don’t give up on the academics. If it is at all possible, stick out the semester and get good grades. I can’t emphasize this enough. My D did everything she could to make the first school work for her, but when she decided it just was a bad fit, she had the qualifications to transfer to a school where she fit like a glove.</p>

<p>Many folks here will tell you that a student can make any situation work, but four years of “making it work” when he or she might be thriving elsewhere is not necessary. Sometimes, jumping ship is the best thing to do, but I believe that if/when one does so, know where you want to land and how to get there. Don’t jump blindly. (the only caveat to that would be if serious emotional issues set in–then it’s all hands on deck, you and she doing whatever is necessary to help her stay together.)</p>

<p>Meanwhile, be supportive, as I’m sure you are. My D needed the long, sometimes teary phone calls in order to gird herself for the next attempts. We strategized and explored ideas. But more, she needed consistent reminders that she was the same great kid she always was. the worst is if they internalize the situation and question who they are–don’t let that happen.</p>

<p>Best wishes to you and your great kid!</p>

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<p>Zoey, my son had a horrible freshman year. Some of the same issues as your d–difficulty finding like-mined friends, some roommate issues (though not as bad as your d.), romantic break-up, medical problems. He did seek counseling and made it through the year (albeit, not happy, but was able to feel success at finishing it up strong academically).</p>

<p>He even went back for soph year to see if the “fit” problem was just situational the first year. He did transfer as a junior to a school where he is much happier.</p>

<p>However, my point is that the counseling was a godsend. He lucked into a counselor with whom he felt very comfortable (if she seeks counseling and doesn’t click with the first person, encourage her to change people). Just last week he related that J. (his counselor) literally saved his life that year. He felt that without the counseling he could have easily fallen into a severe depression.</p>

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<p>IMHO, NSM is on target. Problems like this are no place for remote control help (e.g. parents from far away). Your kid needs help. She should tap into the professional resources on campus, be it a Residential Assistant or a professional psychologist.</p>

<p>One reason for seeking professional help is that sometimes the causes are not purely social/psychological. I know of one friend of my D who had issues her first year that were in part due to a serious medical problem (physical, not mental). It was treatable, but took months to resolve. </p>

<p>Please, for your child’s sake, encourage her to get professional help. These things are too important to “just let them pass”. They may not just pass without help.</p>

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<p>Hi zoey, I feel for you too. For my DD1’s one summer camp her romemate was not nice at all, my DD was so upset and she stayed in other kid’s room sometimes. The girls should learn how to handle the mean one, give your daughter some time, she will be fine.</p>

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<p>S went through a similar situation. After about 6 weeks at his first choice school, he knew that it wasn’t the school for him. My suggestion is that your daughter go to the counseling center and talk with a counselor. They are very good at helping students cope with the situation.</p>

<p>Tell her to dive into her studies in order to achieve a high GPA and recommend to her to get to know one or two professors by taking advantage of their office hours. Suggest that she fill out a couple of transfer applications and send them out. Having one or two transfer acceptances will give her options at the end of the year if she decides that she really does hate her current school. Over time, she may begin to enjoy her current school but if not, she’ll have an “out” after her freshman year.</p>

<p>Sometimes, it’s not so much the student not trying to be part of the college community but rather a bad fit.</p>

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<p>OP, I know exactly what you are going through because of D1. I agree with sarha that this sounds more like depression than just a bad roommate and a run of bad luck. yes, there are bound to be students she could have related to, but my guess is by now she has either interpretated their signals (or lack of) as rejection, or else equates those who haven’t yet found a peer group as the mirror image of what she appears to be to the “alpha group”. I haven’t read through your other posts so I don’t know what type of person your D is, i.e if she is naturally shy and withdrawn or whether this is a new situation for her. My advice is to treat this as serious. Oldfort’s comment is sound, but difficult to put into practice when you feel out of your depth. If the roommate is popular, mounting that kind of campaign against her could make the situation worse for your daughter and result in more rejection. You hnow her better than anyone, and can determine whether she would be more comfortable explaining the situation to an older, responsible student, such as a Head of new students for example, or else go directly to the counceling centre. The problem is that she should be made to believe that she was the one who made the right move. The more outside help my daughter got, the more inadequate she felt at solving her own problems, and the worse it got.
I have my fingers crossed for you. I know how stressful this is.</p>

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<p>Hi, Zooey. I feel so much for you and your kiddo.
I think she is responding to something she read somewhere about the roommate transfer window being closed. I can’t believe that would preclude kids with real incompatibility issues from pursuing some sort of solution. She might have to initiate it with her RA and go through some hoops – perhaps she is embarrassed or too discouraged to do that. But I’m sure something could be done.
I also second (or is it third or fourth by now?) keeping the grades up to maximize transferring. It’s a tough call - whether to start thinking about the transfer or whether one needs to keep investing in the current school. Encourage her to do both. Take a little time to make a transfer list, look up the transfer schools’ websites for policies – BUT keep studying, keep looking for a new club, or a new friendly face.
Keep us posted! And if she does end up leaving, it’s not a failure – it’s just as someone noted above, it’s best to leave with a new plan in place, not in tears with your tail between your legs.</p>

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<p>Hi again, Zoey–let me clarify that I’m certainly not saying that counseling would not be necessary or a godsend. For many kids–as in the stories above–it sure is. I more wanted to say that discouragement doesn’t itself mean depression, or that it’s something about the kid not trying which is causing the problems. I totally agree with nysmile when she says “Sometimes, it’s not so much the student not trying to be part of the college community but rather a bad fit.”</p>

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<p>zoeydoggie:I just sent you a PM</p>

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<p>I think Garland’s posts are spot on. </p>

<p>I feel for you & your D. She* is *the same great kid, and I wish you well.</p>

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<p>I feel so bad for your daughter and you. I think she needs to try to survive the semester with decent grades, though. </p>

<p>I always suggest, join a club where they are happy to see you. Examples are clubs like Habitat for Humanity (where they need help building, etc.), or any hunger related clubs (where they need more people to stock the food shelf or serve at the soup kitchen) or groups that work with area school children (the more the better to do one on one reading or tutoring). The international center may need students to help with internatinal college students acclimate to the U.S., too. Or if she is religious, religious groups tend to very welcoming.</p>

<p>Somehow there needs to be a way for her to find some nice friends. Is she in the Class of 2012 facebook group for her school? She could scan posts there for people asking about or suggesting “nice” activities. Or just tell the RA that she wants to be more involved in the dorm; the RA would probably appreciate help publicizing for or setting up for dorm-related events, and if she is there at an event setting up, she can help welcome people as they arrive - a natural ice breaker.</p>

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<p>I PM’d you</p>

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<p>what garland, northstarmom curmudgeon and sarha said is what I would have said. They just expressed it better. I especially want to reinforce NSM’s advice re getting involved in service clubs. One of the best cures for the blues is doing something for others plus it will put her in the company of compassionate people who are already reaching out to others.</p>