<p>My son refused to choose a <em>single</em> second-favorite school - he had four of them. One of the four was truly lovely, in almost every way - it was the number-one cheapest school for us because they stacked merit aid on top of need-based aid, close to home, great programs, etc. The one way it wasn’t lovely was that they didn’t have much of a major for S (other than that, Mrs. Lincoln…). I was SO glad when he was accepted to his first choice and we didn’t have to deal with the fight, because I’m pretty sure that was his “real” second choice.</p>
<p>I’m with Pizzagirl. If a parent has an objection strong enough that it would keep them from allowing the school to be chosen in the end, now is the time for the veto, not next April. Applications should only be sent to schools that both the student and parents find acceptable. Not every one needs to be a favorite of all, but they need to be schools all could see the student attending. Parents and student need to be on the same page.</p>
<p>I also think it is the responsibility of all involved to research and explore each school of serious interest to either student or parents, and not just summarily reject them based on preconceived notions. Keep an open mind and find out what makes the suggested school appealing. You, and in this case your H, may just discover that the school is a potential great fit.</p>
<p>when my wife and I disagreed on some things we let our DD cast the deciding vote</p>
<p>me: Syracuse could be an excellent safety, its at the upper limit of DD’s prefered size range, but it has arch AND engineering AND liberal arts AND a decent sized Jewish community
DW: the area reminds me of Brooklyn College. And I got other bad vibes.
DD: Id only go there for Arch, and the arch there is killer. No.</p>
<p>me: Drexel could be an excellent safety. It fits all her criteria, and its fairly close as well, and this coop thing …
DW:Ive lived in philly. Drexel is ugly.
DD: Speaking of safeties in Philly, I like Temple, I’ll pick that over Drexel. </p>
<p>Other than that there werent really any “veto” kinds of decisions. </p>
<p>Once she was in there were some struggle over criteria, but it was more elusive and subtle than any one of us vetoing any of the choices. And we all worked together to learn more.</p>
<p>But then this wasnt that kind of disagreement, with DD wanting a school and one parent saying I forbid. If DD had liked Syracuse or Drexel, DW would have let her apply. Of course this was mostly a debate about aesthetics and vibe, not religion or politics or campus culture.</p>
<p>My husband didn’t have any objections to my older son’s list, but at one point he thought I was overselling Carnegie Mellon over Harvard. I assured him I was only passing on facts, eventually my spouse did some homework and realized why CMU was such a strong contender for my son. (And in fact he chose it in the end because of its fantastic computer science program. There was never* any* question what son’s major was going to be.)</p>
<p>The most controversial situation I foresee is the wonderful-in-all-respects-except-it’s-in-the-middle-of-nowhere school. This wasn’t as much of a concern in my day (with 18-y.o-drinking age) because even in a small town we could hang out in bars in wrinkled clothes and drink cheap beer. Do many kids at places like Colgate or Hamilton really find enough to do on campus to keep them occupied, or do they end up spending precious time and money on road trips to more exciting places?</p>
<p>With both kids my h had strong objections to a school that was on the kid’s list, but he didn’t interfere with the application process. He hadn’t visited either school, and I had, so I understood why the schools in question were on the list. In my d’s case she figured out for herself that the school in question wasn’t a good fit and withdrew her application. My son was rejected from his “objectionable” school, but by that time he had already heard from his SCEA choice, so the school was basically off the table anyway (he just had never gotten around to withdrawing his app). My h and I both drew a sigh of relief. If either school had ended up being a top choice I would have made sure that my h visited so he could get acquainted with the school and develop a level of comfort with it, or at least be able to make more cogent arguments as to why it wasn’t a good choice. I don’t think he would have ultimately vetoed our kids’ choices. To do so would be disrespectful of the kid, I think, unless the reason for the veto was really compelling.</p>
<p>That being said, I think it’s perfectly legitimate to be concerned about your child’s emotional safety as much as his/her physical safety. I just think that in this case, further research will show the dad that it’s not as much of a problem as he fears.</p>
<p>Our DD’12 has a generous scholarship to our state flagship. She doesn’t want to go there. We are encouraging her to apply just about anywhere that is better than the flagship. There is a school in which she has some interest (not in her top 5), but it is not as good as most of the schools on her list - it is very expensive and is not known for its financial aid. We will not pay for it when she has the flagship school for less than 10% of the cost and all of her other schools cost the same or less - and are better schools. It is a tough lesson for a kid, but it is life.</p>
<p>My nephew at Hamilton found enough to do on campus to keep himself occupied, although I think all his girlfriends had cars, so they could leave if they wanted. Now, I suspect that a lot of what he was doing on campus was drinking cheap beer in wrinkled clothes, just not necessarily in a bar. Or other similar malum prohibitum stuff. I suppose I should note that Clinton NY was not a whole lot closer to the middle of nowhere than the town where this kid grew up. He didn’t have the expectation that every weekend you should get to choose which opera company you want to see, or even for that matter which movie.</p>
<p>He had a great academic experience there, by the way.</p>
<p>JHS, I’m every bit as impressed with your ability to italicize as I am with your Latin. I always use all caps to accentuate, which apparently makes it seem like I’m shouting. I’ve driven on the Dan Ryan expressway at rush hour without incident…why should italicizing be more difficult than that?</p>
<p>My impression is that alot of kids at smaller “middle of nowhere” schools go for a year or semester abroad or elsewhere. My kid brother loved Williams but thought it got “pretty old” by the senior year. When we were visiting Hanover and were regaled with study abroad stories my son said “well I certainly understand why they would get as far away from here as they could!” Mind you, this is why they make chocolate AND vanilla, and if it was me making the choice, he would be heading to Hanover now… But he will be moving into Morningside Heights in NYC and couldn’t be more excited.</p>
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<p>What if circumstances not known at the time of application result in the parents’ objection after acceptance? Seems like a common one would be much worse than anticipated financial aid, causing the school to become unaffordable.</p>
<p>There is obviously a difference between “I’m sorry, junior, we all really hoped to send you to X but the finances just don’t work out, I’m really sorry” and “I know you have your acceptance letter in hand, junior, but i don’t like it any better than i did in the fall and I’m still not letting you go.” The first may be unavoidable. The second is avoidable. I think parental vetos should be few and far between but if they have to happen, better to “forbid” application than to wrest away an acceptance in hand.</p>
<p>My feeling is that before your husband even considers a veto or a discussion in which he conveys to your S that he will be disappointed if S attends X college, he should do some very specific and energetic due diligence. Find a minister from your denomination at X college, or the coordinator of the Christian fellowship, the priest from Newman and the rabbi or director at Hillel, and talk to them about the extent to which the college has a faith community. Do religious Christians feel marginalized at X? Does the school provide hallal and kosher food options? (Not directly relevant for you, but might give you some sense of how committed the school is to accommodating the needs of observant, religious students, and the presence of such students at X.)Is there an office for religious affairs or an interfaith council, showing a real concern and commitment to exploring religious issues on campus? Is the predominant lifestyle in the dorm that of an ongoing bacchanal? Are reflective, deeply religious students so rare at X that the minister throws a party whenever he comes upon one of them? Do religious groups at X have an online presence and can you find regularly scheduled social events, community service, and worship activities? Are there photos from the last event and do you see five or twenty-five students in attendance?</p>
<p>Unless X is an extremely unusual top college, your DH might be very pleasantly surprised.</p>
<p>Absolutely…DH and I did not agree on schools…and we also didn’t agree with our kids on some choices. BUT we always remembered…the KIDS were going to college…not us. In the end, they both went to their first choice schools…NEITHER one went to the school that was OUR first choice …but they both thrived where they went.</p>
<p>I agree that it should be the kids’ choice, but I’m trying to deal in reality – IF there is going to be a parental no-starter no matter what, when is it best to rip that band-aid off and “forbid” kid? At application, or with acceptance in hand?</p>
<p>You’ve made a good point, Pizzagirl. We’re discussing that very thing.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the input. I appreciate it very much!</p>
<p>Schmaltz on my computer I just highlight what I want to italicize and hit “Control i”. (For Bold, it’s “control b” and for underline it’s control “u”. You can use bulletin board code manually which would be * followed by [noparse]*[/noparse].</p>
<p>Th@nK$…</p>
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<p>MY OPINION…if there are family financial limitations…I personally think a student should be told this up front. They surely can still apply to some schools that are more pricey…but parents should make it clear BEFORE the applications are sent that the finances have to work out for the student to attend.</p>
<p>What I would not advocate is allowing your child to just apply to any school if you have financial limits…and then tell them about those financial limitations AFTER the acceptances come in. The reality is some kids might just “adjust” their application list if they know that finances WILL be considered at acceptance time.</p>
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<p>I strongly agree. DD is applying to a school with a range of COAs, from 57K to 21K. She knows that the 57K is probably going to be out of reach, even if she gets in, which is unlikely. Fortunately, we’ve been to the 21K and she says she could be perfectly happy going there. Once we have the acceptances and the FA packages in hand, the decision is hers, and she already knows what our contribution will be.</p>