<p>Just to add one more thing- The second year K1 and his roommate started the year off in highly coveted single rooms. We thought we had a reprieve but they were thrown back together when another roommate situation blew up. Their willingness to have another go shocked us all. I guess I wanted to include that for parents weary of the whole roommate thing. There are many twists and turns, but many pleasant surprises, too. And some situations will definitely leave you scratching your head… :)</p>
<p>D had the same problem her first year - her roomate’s parents were in a time zone that allowed them to conveniently call either during study hours or even later at night. This was a problem despite D using noise cancelling head phones, and attempts to ignore. Roomate was not in a culturally acceptable position to tell her parents not to call then. Calls were very prolonged, and every night.</p>
<p>We encouraged D to ask advisor for ideas, and they had a meeting to discuss. Roomate was told by advisor that administration had to tell her parents what were acceptable hours to call… not during study hours or middle of the night. </p>
<p>Roomate was also thankful, because the long calls disrupting study and sleep had resulted in D grades first term …prompting even more calls.</p>
<p>It all worked out. This is a very common issue, especially for international students dealing with different time zones.</p>
<p>PhotographerMom - I respect that your son wants to be sensitive to his roommate’s feelings and glad he is advocating for himself. Personally, however, I would have suggested to my child that he speak to his roommate one-on-one first before getting advisors and the administration involved. To me, that would be a second step if things weren’t resolved. I do think his roommate’s talking at odd hours is disruptive to your son and your son has every right to be bothered by it. However, your son had chosen not to make it an issue up to now so his roommate is probably clueless that it is an issue. Just as I would want to try to resolve an issue with a coworker directly before approaching the boss, I would want my child to try to resolve roommate issues directly as a first step. Just my 2 cents.</p>
<p>Thank you so much for your comment, doschicos. In comment #5, I did mention that he tried to do that, but probably skimmed over it too quickly. He did try to talk to his roommate ( I used the word complain, but it was probably a combination of both). Photokid backed away because it was obvious to him this route wouldn’t take him far. But you’re right- I think it’s always best when two students try to resolve a conflict first. In this particular case- it was not meant to be…</p>
<p>Still waiting to hear how the meeting went yesterday. It took everything out of me not to call , but I still have hope for today. I’ll need to stay away from all the bad snack choices I made yesterday. That bag of M&Ms never had a chance. :)</p>
<p>Thanks again for all the comments. Cameo- Thank you so much!</p>
<p>PhotoMom, you should be really proud of your son… I mean K2 
but I started to like K1 too after you had posted #21. I guess he’s just being a teen…</p>
<p>For future Andover applicants (and current applicants too if you’re still working on essays), this is your answer to the Short Answer #2! Bookmark it!</p>
<p>Thank you, SharingGift. That’s really sweet of you to say. Sometimes I look at K1 and wonder what the Pod People did with my sweet and compassionate toddler. I know those qualities are still in there- somewhere! </p>
<p>The best thing I did was connect with his roommate’s mother. I always look forward to seeing her on campus. We just stand there with our arms folded- shaking our heads… rolling our eyes. It’s like watching two hens: ridiculous and exhausting. Sometimes if you don’t laugh… you’re going to cry. :)</p>
<p>While I sit here waiting for a call (and avoiding all eye contact with the fridge), I was just wondering about how other families connect. I’m sure (K2) roommate’s parents are lovely people and we’ll connect someday… ( They hadn’t arrived when we dropped Photokid off and we missed Parent Weekend last fall), but I can’t shake the feeling that I should have reached out via note/call/email (last September) just to say hello. The only thing I did do was tell Photokid to tell his roommate that I’m here if he needs anything. His parents live faraway, and I thought that might be nice and somewhat comforting. I feel like I dropped the ball.</p>
<p>Not that it would have helped the situation we’re in now… but I was just curious what others do to connect- if anything. I feel so fortunate to have such a nice relationship (built on sarcasm and humor) with K1’s roommate’s mom. Not only is it fun (and she totally gets my kid), but I think it adds a layer of comfort.</p>
<p>Thoughts?</p>
<p>Hang in there, PhotoMom! I’m sure the roommate situation will work out. (Actually, we are dealing with one of those too…)</p>
<p>For making connections: I have reached out to a few parents via email from the parent directory. I’ve actually become friends with a parent who lives not too far from us, and since she (the mom) also attended the school that our daughters attend, she has shared a wealth of information. Although I’m not close enough to school to attend all the parent association meetings, I have volunteered to do a couple of organization-type activities from a distance (lining up volunteers for an event, annual fund parent liaison, etc.). I did meet a lot of parents at drop-off and Parents Weekend, but the virtual connections seem to work well too.</p>
<p>My advice, fwiw: Go for a walk and have some granola! I think K2 and his roommate are going to be fine. It’s amazing how we can get stresserd out by these things, and then things settle down and the kids move on merrily, leaving us wondering… ‘So, what the heck happened? Are you ok?’ etc. This has already been my experience several times this year…</p>
<p>The long walk helped a lot and I sincerely hope this thread wasn’t too “ridiculous and exhausting”. Happy to report I’ve heard from Photokid and his Advisor and both thought the meeting went very well. Last night the parents called after lights out ( nice quick resolution), but hey… even though they woke up Photokid- progress not perfection. We’re moving in the right direction and the boys even shared a laugh together. Not bad for a days work.</p>
<p>Cameo-it’s so true about them going merrily on their way. And yes, granola will be a big part of my life (sadly) for a couple of weeks. I’m raising my spoon to you now. And thanks, 2prepMom- your post made a lot of sense- I meant to tell you earlier.</p>
<p>Photomom, </p>
<p>Like mother like son… caring and considerate…</p>
<p>We don’t get to speak to our son often due mainly to different time zone and usually have 5-10 minute Skype talk on Saturday night, his time which is Sunday afternoon our time. But during the weekend, he often competes in his sports team and we miss the calls. We are so far away from our son (Pacific-apart ^^). </p>
<p>Knowing our situation, some parents at my son’s BS kindly offered us their help (which is usually to give us an update/news of my son through their kids). It’s such a big relief that we have so many nice parents around us. I probably talk more with the parents than my son. LOL</p>
<p>The title of this thread, “When Parents Get Overly Involved…” grabbed my attention. College prep schools (particularly boarding schools) prepare adolescent kids not only for college academics, but for college life as well. PhotographerMom’s son did his best to approach the roommate with his concern and asked for help from his advisor when he needed additional guidance to solve the continued issue with the roommate. </p>
<p>The boarding experience can be a growth one for us parents, too. It’s our time to learn when to provide guidance to our kids and when to step back and let them resolve issues on their own; leaving them free to feel the success or failure of their own actions (or lack of). </p>
<p>I think too often we parents get overly involved in the ordinary life issues our kid’s experience. Better for us to learn how to assess what it is we need to know and how we can be helpful vs. needing to know and be involved in everything in order to help them avoid failure and thereby never allowing them to enjoy the success of their own actions. This is the struggle that makes me want to devour that bag of M&M’s!</p>
<p>Well said, Brighty, and thank you for the timely reminder. SoxKid did very well on his first semester grades at BS, but there were a few comments from his teachers that I would really like for him to address with them, just to head any potential problems off at the pass. I’m just so tempted to start sending emails or making phone calls to his advisor or the teachers, but I keep reminding myself this is SoxKid’s issue to work out. I’ve mentioned to him what I think he might want to raise with his teachers, but if he doesn’t do it (and I’m fairly sure he won’t), then that was his decision to make. >>Taking a deep breath and trying to let it go<<</p>
<p>@SoxMom: I hear you! What we did instead is hold a family meeting to discuss the report card. Grades themselves were not mentioned. We solely discussed the comments. I wanted my daughter to learn the skill of taking on board what others say about her, and then see how she can address them - in a preventative way. In other words: “what you did well and what you can do better”. Once she knew that, we asked her to tell us (and herself) what she thought she needed to do to be happy with future results. Lest any of you think this was a very calm and orderly meeting, I remind you that this included a teenage girl (and one who was already unhappy with her results). Nonetheless, at great personal risk (of being viewed as meddlesome or worse), I insisted she complete her self-analysis. Truth be told, I also did it because she seems to think that since she is “on her own” now, she doesn’t need to be told ANYTHING by parents. Stay tuned as to whether I interfered too much. I bite my tongue most days, but even I have my limits. LOL</p>
<p>Learning these same lessons. In previous years I would ask daily as soon as D was in the car “Did you speak to teacher about xyz?” Just to be put off and sulked at. This would go on for weeks.
This year, wanting to address a comment, I cant really call every day to bug her (well, I suppose I could…) she has stepped up and become much more communicative with her advisor and teachers.
With teenagers I think it comes down to them feeling independent and if we badger and nag, it is a bit difficult to feel independent about these things.</p>
<p>When I started this thread, I was surprised by my anger. Even though I’m no stranger to BS, my first reaction was to jump in and “fix it”. By fix it, I mean make a call to the DOS (cut to the chase!) and in a very nice way ask him to make the calls stop (even though I knew that approach was TOTALLY WRONG- I just want to be honest about my knee jerk reaction when Photokid first called). I’m so glad I didn’t give in to that initial impulse and allowed things to play out. And the school is probably really happy, too! I know Photokid appreciates my restraint more than anyone else. When he called to tell me how the meeting went, he signed off with: Thanks for not launching, Mom.</p>
<p>I just wanted to add this because I think it’s very natural for parents to want to jump in and save the day. Sometimes distance magnifies these feelings beyond measure. I’m so glad I didn’t do it. Had I jumped in, I would have robbed him of handling his own affairs and I would have missed an opportunity to watch from the sidelines. I feel like I’ve gotten to know him a little better since this happened, if that makes sense.</p>
<p>When I texted him: “Hey” this morning to check in, I got “K” back. So not only is everything back to normal now, we’re rhyming, too. :)</p>
<p>I’ve so appreciated the way the self-reflective direction in which this thread has turned. Doing some sitting on my hands here right now, and keep coming back here to remind myself to keep my concern to myself. We are blessed with intelligent, motivated children who got into boarding school largely (when you get right down to it) due to their independent spirits. Yet as a parent, the desire is always there to dive in an fix the problem, whether by notifying the “authorities” or gentle (read incessant) reminders (read nagging). The hardest thing to do is to do nothing except be the sounding board. I don’t think it’s going to get easier either–what happens when they start bringing home the potential spouses?</p>
<p>Ever since the start of the year (my DS is a freshman), I’ve sat on my hands every time I’ve gotten the urge to email or call his advisor or a teacher. I’ve resisted every time (although I’ve been admittedly less stellar about nagging him to talk to them about whatever-- but, still, I haven’t gotten involved directly). The funny thing is, I keep waiting for the school to contact me and tell me what a great non- helicopter patent I’ve been. Don’t they hand out gold stars for that or something? ��</p>
<p>At the beginning, it took us some time to adjust to the idea that kids will call home to vent, even though, IIRC, the teachers warned new parents at the start that kids will do this. They will call home, unload all their concerns, then go on their merry way, leaving parents vibrating next to the phone. After a while, we caught on. Good questions to ask: “Do you want us to speak with (your advisor) (the dorm parent)(anyone)?” The answer will usually be no. </p>
<p>Things that are good to do: helping them to see the other side. “Yes, that’s annoying, but gosh, it must be hard to be in such different time zones.” Role-playing tactful, adult ways to speak with others (very helpful.) "Now, I don’t think it’s helpful to start the conversation with an insult. How about something like, “roomie, I know it’s hard to get used to being so far away from home…”</p>
<p>Notwithstanding that, there are times when it’s a good idea to touch base with the dorm heads or advisor. If your child has tried to talk with the roomie, but has had no success, it does help to inquire of the advisor/dorm head if they’re aware of the situation, especially in the first year or so, when the roommates have been assigned. (Most schools allow students to enter into room lotteries for the next year as roommates or suites.)</p>
<p>Do call if you worry about your child’s mental state! If you think your child is getting depressed, speak up. Some kids get quieter and quieter as they get upset, and that’s hard to pick up on, especially in dorms in which extroverts are letting everyone know They Are Not Happy! </p>
<p>It is appropriate to discuss your child’s grades. That’s why they go home, and why they’re so detailed. You are not a helicopter parent if you discuss the grades with them. Faculty do also discuss students as a team–I think some schools discuss all students, while others concentrate on students who seem to be floundering. So do pick up the phone to talk with your child and his advisor, if the grade report seems worrying. (Having said that, prep schools grade more severely than public schools, so don’t panic at a B.)</p>
<p>If you look at the college side of College Confidential, you will read of many parents who are worried about their children at college. Roommate problems are common, but at that point the children are over 18, and the colleges don’t discuss roommate problems with parents. Students who have made it through boarding school are better prepared to handle roommate conflicts, up to and including switching rooms with other students. As they grow up, they do learn which conflicts to avoid, such as, in general neat people have happier roommates. Or they learn that they’re best off in a single, and thus look for colleges which offer that option.</p>