<p>I keep hearing people saying how high the stakes are…but really, he could simply take a gap year and apply the following year. No one’s life is ruined by not attending college immediately after high school, and even the parents will recover if the child ends up attending (gasp!) the local state public rather than the Ivy that was supposed to impress all the other parents. ;)</p>
<p>That said, “admin”-ing can be helpful. This is probably the first time our children have been faced with the amount of paperwork and the need to meet strict deadlines, and a little support network is a nice midpoint between being totally hands-off and helicoptering. Just make sure the kid really does get to manage the process and you’re not leading from the rear.</p>
<p>I would push or not depending on the level of the state flagship and whether he has applied for honors there. </p>
<p>My S took all the SAT II’s, sent in all his scores and started on his apps to private schools, but after he got into two state universities with great engineering departments during rolling admission, he never had the drive to apply elsewhere. He visited both, loved one and disliked the other and was finished before applications were even due at other colleges. My pushing and willingness to pay for private colleges got nowhere. He graduated honors from our state flagship and loved every minute going there. </p>
<p>My D got into our state flagship early, and then applied only to two Ivies, which she decided she’d rather go to over the flagship, a top 20 my DH wished she would visit and love, and a top 20 to which we thought she’d might get a scholarship. She went to one of the Ivies.</p>
<p>At daughter’s Ivy graduation, the son who loved his Big 10 great engineering school college experience said that he regretted not having applied there.</p>
<p>For my son, i was the “clock” keeper and he basically followed my lead satisfied and relieved to have me make the time line. Each week we would discuss which application/supplement he would need to get done next and he worked on it and only it. If I tried to get him to work on more than one he would respond, “I’m only doing one school at a time mom”.</p>
<p>I still had to kept checking (reminding) him and then as we got close to dates I would say, “This Sunday, you need to have an almost final draft uploaded on the Common ap. Their due date is x.” He would reply, wake me at 9 so I can work on it while my friends are sleeping. </p>
<p>If I had not stepped up to be the organizer, I don’t know how it would have all gone. He says if I hadn’t done all the school research and organizing he would have. However, I don’t know if he would have gone into the same depth of research. It would have been more stressful for both him and I so this worked in my family. </p>
<p>Maybe you need to sit down with the calendar and layout due dates with your son. </p>
<p>I agree with ACollegeDad. Some kids do take the total initiative to get everything done themselves but there is too much money at stake to not step up if you see your student needs some help especially if their high school is not that proactive either.</p>
<p>I’m probably a lone voice, but I would ask him what assistance he thinks he needs, and then back off. If he wants help, provide it. If not, it really is up to him to finish everything by himself. </p>
<p>What’s at stake is not where he goes to college, but his own investment in his future. </p>
<p>I did some nagging, but he would keep telling me he had it all under control and he did. Granted, he wasn’t applying to Ivies, but he still had to get his apps in on time, his essays done, etc. I read his essays, talked to him about possible topics, and that’s about it.</p>
<p>Believe me, I know the incredible anxiety about this entire process. I can only imagine the stress level our kids are carrying around.</p>
<p>I felt the most urge to push where I felt merit scholarships for the college were on the line. For ivy, perhaps not so much concern on that (unless they’d offer your family great FA).</p>
<p>Good luck finding the right balance. One of my favorite quotes is, “Raising teens is like trying to nail jello to a tree”.</p>
<p>Like some others we had “scheduled nagging” and confined app discussions to Sunday afternoons only. That was an agreement made at the beginning of the process and which worked well for us. Also like others DS struggled with writing about himself and really hated the essay writing in general so definitely took a long time to finish. I was the secretary but that provided some structure that made life easier for DS.</p>
<p>I think some kids become so overwhelmed by the process that they freeze up - it’s anxiety, fear of failure, fear of leaving home - all sorts of intense emotions that result in immobility. Could that be the issue OP?</p>
<p>I would have a discussion with him about what he really wants to do,where he really wants to go. Once that’s determined, then you become the pusher/admin. exec. to make sure everything gets done on time. Maybe he has changed his mind about applying to Ivies but is feeling pressure to follow in his brother’s footsteps/meet his family’s expectations so is stalling the app. process. Have a heart to heart talk with him about what he really wants, then push him to make it happen.</p>
<p>Our S1 had the stats to be admitted to more selective schools. I tried to get him interested in visiting but he wasn’t interested. He wanted big state u. So I stopped urging him to check out this or that “good” school and helped him focus on getting the most he could out of the state school he wanted. He went to the state school on a full ride, graduated with honors and a chunk of money in the bank. He found a mentor there who guided him through the process of getting his dream job. Most importantly, he loved his four years there and has the job he’s always wanted.</p>
<p>The final stretch is always the hardest, that’s why having a coach to give that push makes all the difference in the world. I would get him an essay tutor to keep him on track and set deadline. It would take the nagging and push away from you. D2’s worked with someone who set a timeline when she needed to get things done. She made sure her assignments were completed before each meeting. Took a lot of stress out of our relationship.</p>
<p>I don’t side with the people who say “don’t push”. My S is very similar to yours. I have been nagging him since the summer to work on apps. Now we have very little time left (school wants the apps in by Dec. 15th so they can send transcripts), and he has nothing to show for it. It’s not because he doesn’t want to go to a top college, but I don’t know what it is. He says he’s busy, and he is - difficult classes and a winter sport. But I REFUSE to let the boy sabotage his future with his procrastination, so he’s grounded until he gets the apps done.</p>
<p>Bash me if you want, but I know my kid. He’s very smart, but he’s making terrible choices right now. It’s my job to make sure he stays on the right path. </p>
<p>I’ve pushed, and I’ve backed off, and neither behavior made a difference at all. Now if he wants to see his friends, he needs to show me he’s worked on his apps. Guess what? It’s working. 'Nuff said.</p>
<p>Why does where the older son goes make any difference where younger son goes. That is irrevelvant when it comes to son number 2. Yu need to see that and not go, well older bro went to an ivy and you should try to as well. They are different.</p>
<p>" So folks: push or no push? "
-No, let him do whatever he wants.<br>
My D. went to state after graduating #1 from private prep HS, but it was our mututal plan. She had incredible 4 years, graduated Summa with all kind of awards, everything at her UG exceeded our expectations by far and in addiditon, it was free because of Merit Awards. End result: she is at one of top Medical Schools in the country surrounded by classmates from Ivy’s and many other Elite colleges. She feels completely “at home” and as prepapred to challenges as everybody else in her class. Misses her UG a lot, visiting frequently. Do not underestimate what future might hold at any UG, it depends much more on student than name of college. BTW, while at her state UG, she was in Honors that accepted only 200 to freshman class, so very many of these 200 kids were valedictorians from private school, just like my D., very high caliber students, both intelligent and hard working. UG classes were very challenging, not easy at all as many here think about state schools. All of her pre-med friends got acepted to several Med. Schools and had good choices.</p>
<p>This thread is very reassuring - we went through all these stages trying to get a SCEA app ready to go by Nov. 1. D was way ahead in getting testing done, college choices picked in a nice range of academic and financial reaches, matches and safeties and seemed really balanced . . . in August. When it came down to crunch time, she kind of locked up. I agonized over how much to push and how much to let her go it alone. I got a whole range of advise, and a whole range of stories from parents who had stood back and had it go well, and parents who had stood back and had critical things not get done. Eventually I decided on a middle ground. I told her that I wanted her to be independent as much as she wanted to be herself; but that I was going to keep a parental hand in so that come spring she would have a nice range of option in front of her to weight. I tried to get the point across that I wanted her to have the resources and choices available to go off and do what she wants. That was an acceptable proposition to her on the surface, but still she dragged and stalled.
I was left with many of the questions that I’ve read here: Did she really want to apply to this school at all? Did she have it completely under control, and just didn’t need any help? Did she really understand the magnitude of her undertaking in getting all of those essays written in a quality way that really reflected who she is? Had she realized the magnitude and become overwhelmed by it? Mid-day on October 30th we got down the the answers. She really did want to apply to this school. She had thought that it was under control, but hadn’t fully realized the magnitude . . . and she was overwhelmed. Finally she showed me the main essay that she’d written which had been proofed as an assignment by her English teacher and edited by friends. It was a good, well written essay, but didn’t really capture the heart of her story because those people didn’t know the real essence and details like a parent would. At about 9pm Sunday, the resistance just broke open and she was willingly brainstorming, asking advise and emailing her drafts for cutting and editing help to get within character limits. It was a long 2 days, but in the end she put together a series of essays that she was really happy with and felt reflected her character. Once she got over that block the writing flowed much more easily and went from flat to really capturing her voice.
In the end, we are both glad that I kept a hand in and didn’t abandon her. I think that teens are in that middle place where they want to be independent and are working towards it, but still need understanding and guidance. There are still more apps to get out, but I think we both feel like we made it through the fire to to the other side.</p>
<p>You probably became closer because of what you went through together. My older daughter wrote me a very heart felt letter for mother´s day that year.</p>
<p>Thanks, oldfort, that’s very true and nice of you to note. I learned a lot about her in reading her essays. I won’t divulge the topic to protect everyone’s privacy, but when she finally asked me, “what are they looking for with this one?” in her 1000 character activity essay and I gave her a little guidance, she came back with a little jewel box of a piece relating to a non-‘EC’ activity that she does with her dad. It made me well up a bit, so hopefully it has that same impact on admissions personel ;-)</p>
<p>My D. liked me compiling her UG list so much, that she has asked to do the same for her Med. School list after she gave me her criteria. She like that one also.
You can push as much as you want. However, keep in mind that you are not going to be there at college with him to push him. There are many more much more important deadlines (including crucial internship opportunities, grants/scholarhsips/job opportunities and many many more) that he will need to meet at college. You will not be aware of most of them. Something very important even life changing could slip thru, then what?</p>
<p>Quote from MiamiDAP:
“There are many more much more important deadlines (including crucial internship opportunities, grants/scholarships/job opportunities and many many more) that he will need to meet at college. You will not be aware of most of them. Something very important even life changing could slip thru, then what?”</p>
<p>Though the responsibility and decisions have always rested with my children, who both graduated with honors and are gainfully employed in good jobs in their fields, I have to admit I continued to offer advice through the college years. I sent emails about internship or job opportunities that I became aware of through internet searching and also offered advice and a second opinion on their course registrations every semester. </p>
<p>Several summer jobs and internships for both kids came from my sending links to internet postings. D’s current job is the result of a blitz of job opening emails I sent her senior year as well as advice to take some courses to make her degree more employer friendly in the industry she was leaning toward. S was one of few in his major that graduated in 4 years due to a course plan I helped map out that allowed him to do his major, as well as his minor and honors program during that time period. I also sent both kids info about PhD and masters programs - they both passed on the PhD programs (at least for now), but enrolled in masters programs paid for by their employers (one now completed!). When D was alone in a new city, I even sent links to groups and fun classes that she followed up on - she even had me find and send activity links to a friend also struggling to find friends in a different city, and job postings to an unemployed classmate. Did they find many opportunities on their own? Yes. Are they capable and responsible adults? Yes. Did I stop offering advice when they hit college? No. As a matter of fact, S asked for a grocery list for the Thanksgiving dinner he is cooking us in his new home this year. What I sent and what he bought didn’t exactly match up, but he had my input - it was his choice to follow it or blaze his own path, as it has always been since he hit 18.</p>
<p>Something important and life changing always slips through, and is replaced by another something equally important and life changing.</p>