<p>For several years our second son was going to follow in the footsteps of his older brother and get into an elite [Ivy] college. We did the visits, he has taken all of the top classes and worked his but off to where he has the credentials to really have a shot at getting admitted to one or more of his top choices. Now with the December 1 application deadline looming, his actions have come to a halt. All we get at best is "I'm working on them" when we ask about the status of his college essays. We always used to think that the push needs to come from the student and that if the push wasn't there, that is an indication of what they will/or will not do once in college. I'd hate to have him regret it later, and thus am inclined to push. My wife is beside herself with anxiety on the issue. He admits that he has a major regret in not preparing for the PSAT and not making National Merit, only to go on and ace the SAT and ACT. It appears that he may well be happy at the local state university [which would be a financial dream for us]. So folks: push or no push?</p>
<p>I would not push. I would back off completely and get your wife to do so as well. Give your son some space. He is obviously a very smart student and he KNOWS the approaching deadlines. In addition to applying to college, which can be a part time job in itself, he has finals coming up, classes to study for, EC’s, etc. etc. Nagging him will not accomplish anything positive and will only make all interactions with him more tense and anxious. HE will be the one going to college- not you, nor your wife. And he is NOT his older brother. Where your first born went to college is irrelevant.</p>
<p>You may want to ask your son if there is anything you or your wife could do to take the burden OFF your son instead of adding to the pressure ON him. I was my son’s “admin”, and did a lot of the mindless , time consuming data entry of application information for him. Helped give me something to do during those tense winter months before the application deadlines.</p>
<p>I’m not sure I can answer the question in the way you posed it. What I would recommend is be his “administrative assistant”, making sure he prioritizes his schools based on their deadlines for scholarships, interviews, application submittal, etc. I would also ask him to submit his essays to you so that you can edit them for typos, misspelling, and grammar usage. This tact would be much more effective than simply “nagging”. BTW, my S drove me nuts last year, averaging around 11:15 PM for submitting his applications that had midnight deadlines. If your son is also a procrastinator, I feel your pain!</p>
<p>Agree with menloparkmom, each child is different and so are the college “fits”.</p>
<p>I “pushed” only by reminding my son that he really wanted to go to a particular type of school, and that if he seriously did want that, he needed to get a move on. On the other hand, if he wanted to go to a less rigorous school, he already had the acceptances and could quit. He really did want to go to a high caliber school, so he got a move on. 
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<p>Maybe, as you say, your son would be perfectly happy at State U - find out from him if that would be the case, and then you can ALL take the month off (once he’s applied there).</p>
<p>How many apps are due on December 1 - some or all of them? </p>
<p>I’d be uncomfortable, too, as a parent if I hadn’t seen any evidence of even a draft of an essay by this calendar date in the preceding month.</p>
<p>My eldest, a highly capable student, said the college essay was a torture to write. Unlike most high school essays in subject areas, this one requires some inner processing and is “personal.” If your son is blocked and needs to chat over the contents of his essay, he won’t admit that - even to himeself - if he’s accustomed to doing just fine with essays in his high school coursework. </p>
<p>Your wife’s anxiety is reason enough for him not to come out and show you all the false starts (if he tried) or blank pages (if he assumes he’ll just type this one out, no problem, there’s 2 weeks left, the prompt question is “easy” and hey, there’s no research required!) Clearly, if he had something he felt proud about by now, he’d be waving it in front of you both. And he’s not.</p>
<p>If you are the calmer voice in the household, you might take him out separately to eat (get away from the house) and ask him to bring hard-copies of everything he’s written. If there’s nothing substantial yet to bring to the meal, you can use the meal to have him create a real schedule of completiion together with you. Come home and post THAT. It will calm your wife and get all back on track. </p>
<p>I think it’s too important to jump to the end conclusion (he’d be fine at state college and so much more affordable). If that is the end result of a comprehensive try at a range of schools, he can live with that well all his life. If that becomes what happens because nobody checked in effectively mid-November, that’d be a sad frustration akin to his take now on the PSAT/NMSF episode.</p>
<p>I think a little pushing is in order. Teenagers often have trouble taking the long view (and parents may take the long view, to a fault). I agree that it’s a good idea to have a calm talk with him, and just say that everybody will be happier if he’s a bit more forthcoming about where he stands and what his plans are. It is possible for teens to sabotage themselves.</p>
<p>^He might also be happy applying now, but taking a year off, so be sure to let him know if that’s an option. </p>
<p>With my similar son, I told him I couldn’t give up nagging all together, but we set up a nagging schedule. He really, really hates writing and self confessional writing was just so far out of his comfort zone. He did eventually get everything done, sending off all his applications within hours of their deadlines. He did fine in college and is now gainfully employed at his dream job.</p>
<p>Aside from the scheduled nagging it turned out to help to have me in the room with him while he was writing. I just took a novel into his room and read, but it seemed to help him keep on track. It was eventually one of his avoidance behaviors that became the subject of his main essay.</p>
<p>This is a classic situation where a neutral third party might be helpful. That could be an independent counselor, but it could also be an aunt/uncle or the older brother himself. The more the push feels like it’s coming from the parents, the more it will play into the student’s resistance and anxiety (whatever it may be). Just as important, if a parent is “beside herself,” having that third party to talk to and get reassurance from may be a godsend.</p>
<p>It wouldn’t hurt to remind him of the deadlines and also of the fact that in April, when the decisions are in, you and your wife will not push him to go to any school that he is reluctant to go to. If he is feeling uncertain about whether he wants to attend a highly selective school, this might be reassuring. If he is just procrastinating, it won’t matter.</p>
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<p>So let him. Whose life is it?</p>
<p>I think that there’s too much at stake for you to back off completely. Is your son a perfectionist? He may be afraid that he won’t get accepted at his top choices and meet your expectations. I think that you and your wife should sit down with him and stress how proud you are of his accomplishments and reassure him that you will still be proud regardless of where he attends college. Then discuss what schools really interest him and come up with a plan to meet those deadlines. You could offer the help of a third party as Hanna suggests.</p>
<p>I think it’s fine if he truly wants to attend the state university. First I would want to make sure that he’s not just taking the path of least resistance.</p>
<p>I think he should realize the reality of the state flagship before he decides not to push himself towards a more selective school. My college freshman refused to apply out of state even though he had high ACT scores and a good GPA. Now the only class he enjoys is his one honors course. He was shocked that all the rest of his classes were huge lectures with foreign TAs and that the other students didn’t have anything to say in the pull out sessions. He’s a homebody but I think he would find college more satisfying if he were with other strong students. At least he is living in honors housing… I would try to encourage your son to think about the implications of his actions.</p>
<p>I nagged my son all summer to work on his essays while he had free time. Then school started and he was too busy. I nagged him on the weekends. Still too busy. A few weeks ago, he showed me a draft of his common app essay and it was not inspiring. A couple of weeks passed with no further action on essays as school activities took all of his free time. Then one night we spent about 30 minutes together brainstorming essay ideas. He took my Macbook and less than an hour later had a draft of an excellent essay! He’s made no further progress since but plans to finish his common app and supplements before Thanksgiving break. The only comments I’ve made about college in the past few weeks is to tell him how nice I think it would be for him to go to the state U or even the local CC because I’ll miss him so much if he goes far away. This apparently seems to be motivating him to expand his list to more distant colleges!</p>
<p>Do you know if a friend may be influencing your son? Mine seems set on going to a college no one from his high school has ever attended, but I know that some of his friends are considerably influenced by what their friends are doing. One is only applying to colleges his girlfriend has chosen for them both.</p>
<p>If your son ends up at the state U, he may be perfectly happy there. If he regrets it later, he can always apply to transfer.</p>
<p>You can lead a horse to water…
Unless I missed something I don’t know what your son is interested in. It may well be that state school is a great alternative or even best for him. Social llfe, sports, frats, whatever. A state school can provide the best of all worlds.
What does he want to do? Pushing for some more elite school is not necessarily in his best interests. And these days, the state schools can require some pretty high qualifications. Especially for honors colleges. There’s a reason for the term “public ivy”.</p>
<p>Maybe he should apply regular decision. My kids got their applications done in mid to late December and things worked out fine. Their essays were very last minute. It depends on personality.</p>
<p>Instead of a choice between “pushing” or withdrawing, I think “supporting” is a good way to go. Some of this support can be in the form of offering admin. assistant type help, as others have said, or talking about the essay while driving somewhere.</p>
<p>Again, the amount and style of palatable parental involvement varies widely, as does the need for it. Some kids become a little paralyzed from all the stress, but are fine when the time comes to go to college. It is a shame for their options to be limited due to a temporary state.</p>
<p>But for others, the procrastination is part of a longer-term picture that may very well affect them in college, and might be relevant to their choices.</p>
<p>How does he feel about the state university versus potential Ivy, especially with his brother at one? Have you told him that it is okay with you if he doesn’t do applications to more selective schools, and that he can go to the state U?</p>
<p>Then he can either relax or he will have more of a fire under him, perhaps.</p>
<p>I look at the over all process as a “coach”
First off recognize that the stakes are high at this point. This isn’t little “Johnny” writing an essay for a blue ribbon. This involves ALOT of money and his future. The good coaches push and the great coaches know how to push. Either way he needs a push, but probably more then that he needs the help of an assistant.</p>
<p>My son is up at 6am and off to school by 7:30. He is taking college level courses and is working between 10 and 20 hours a week. He has a 4.0 and is working hard to keep it. That is his job as the “player”. As a coach I make sure he had what he needs to get the job done. You need to find out what he needs help with. Maybe he is a little burned out or maybe his girlfriend is going to a different college than he. Talk to him and find out. </p>
<p>I know many on these boards will tell you to back off and let him fall on his own. The only ones you will hear from are those who students did it all on their own. I don’t think anyone is going to admit that they refused to help their kids and now their brilliant darlings are living in their basement working at 7-11.</p>
<p>I would not NOT push. (the wonderful double negative).
He needs to apply to schools on the list (his list and those Mom & Dad like).
Make the final decision when acceptances arrive.
Knowing that:
- Ivies are nice.
- state schools are nice too. And much cheaper. (Money in the bank is a good thing.)
- depending on your goals, one does not necessarily trump another.</p>
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<p>Yeah, but my kids will have plenty of companionship there at the 7-11 working beside all those other kids who have those worthless degrees from their state flagships.</p>
<p>A college degree is only as worthless as you make it. It’s the student’s actions that will be deemed worthless not his degree.
And 7-11 has sent lots more kids to college than scholarships have…</p>
<p>I would push to find out if he really wants to apply to the colleges you are suggesting. If he does then you have every right to tell him to get his rear in gear. If he’s not moving on the apps because he has reservations, you need to hear that.</p>