I totally agree with you on the loading, unloading, helping in other ways being just as important/considerate as paying. My son is very good with things like that. It drives me crazy that my step-daughter is NOT. For example, recently I suggested she put her plate in the dishwasher. Well, she did exactly that. Not the silverware or her glass or anyone else’s (really, I was hoping she’d take it as a hint that she should be helping).
Yes, my D has chronic health issues so is unable to hold a job but contributes by cooking, helping me with my nonprofit, and helping with my mom when she can.
Our S has bought organizing containers and helped organize and clean our house very thoroughly. He also would cook and buy groceries as well as make great desserts.
There are many ways of contributing and it’s great when the kids use their own initiative to contribute to the household.
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I’m bumping this up. I guess it could be in the say it here but here I go.
My brother in law is getting divorced from his wife of 30+ years. That’s not really here or there but he came over for dinner last night.
We were talking about picking up the check and he mentioned that he does not remember his wife’s parents ever picking up the check when they went out to eat. My bil was always expected to pay.
I asked, did that happen with your parents? (I knew the answer) and no, they take turns. My in laws have him to dinner at their house quite often but with my in laws, people take turns.
The wife’s parents always cry poor, even though they own 2 homes now but recently sold their 3rd home. (A main home, a vacation home but sold their 2nd vacation home)
I just wonder if there is any case where you wouldn’t offer to pay? Maybe if your kid was married to a tech billionaire or are a tech billionaire but even then my husband would probably try and pick up the check.
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With my kids, H & I generally pick up the tab. If S or D really wants to, they will pick up the tab or buy things to contribute—appetizer, dessert, etc. if they offer and pick up the takeout, they don’t let us reimburse them. When we have stayed with S, we are invited to use what he has in stock or buy things to add if we prefer. I had shopped & made some things that could serve for several meals in addition to the meal we all ate together.
With my folks, we had to be clear when we wanted to pick up the tab, otherwise dad would always try to pay. We didn’t dine out often with my MIL & FIL, but they were delighted to be treated. My SisIL and BIL and we take turns.
If folks want to, many places are happy to split the tab and put it in2 CCards.
Funny - I’ve been thinking about this thread recently. I am retired, and my husband will be retired soon. One of our kids probably makes close to as much as both of our pensions combined, and his GF makes a similar amount. BUT, we have “accumulated wealth” and they still live in an apartment. To date we’ve paid for almost everything, but I’m thinking that may change, or at least we will do less. For example, we normally pay to take the family out for family birthdays. Now we take the birthday “kid” and SO out, and don’t usually get the entire family together. We are a work in progress, and fortunately the kids that make good money don’t mind paying their share.
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I mean, if a relative is a multi-millionaire I would still want to treat them to a meal lit because the meal is a caring gesture not just some money saved for the relative. That said, I sure hope they want to treat me too - and maybe they pick a more upscale restaurant than my budget would! 
I think whether young (like the kids of a couple no matter the age) or old (like the parents of a middle age couple) the caring gesture of a meal or coffee or whatever should be a gesture on all sides. Chose your comfort in budget but reciprocate on occasion.
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This reminds me of when I was very young. We had a VERY wealthy friend. When he turned 21 (or some age close to that) apparently I was the only person who actually bought HIM a drink. Most people just assumed he would pay for everything, all the time. That made me sad. I do think it’s important for people to reciprocate occasionally.
Side note - this same very wealthy person used to “steal” groceries from others who lived in the house he wrote a check for soon after HS. He was too lazy to go to the grocery store).
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I grew up very middle class but my dad started a business when I was in college and it did very well. My dad was a very generous guy by nature and enjoyed being able to treat us (and other family members/friends) but we would offer to pay sometimes and he appreciated that. My oldest brothers father-in-law OTOH would make a point of my parents having money and that they should pay! They didn’t see each other often but still, it was rude if nothing else.
H has a cousin our age who is very successful financially (and a REALLY nice guy). Like my dad he is the type who loves to treat everyone (and is gracious about it) but H makes a point of offering to pay sometimes (we aren’t at his financial level, but we have plenty). It bothers H that some other family members who could afford to pay never offer.
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Whoever pays has the “power.” That’s how it is with our kids when we transition for them to pay.
As a si gel woman I will go out to dinner with other couples. Sometimes their husband feel they should pay because “men should pay.” I always insist on paying for myself. I will carry cash with me so I could put my share on the table right away.
I have a friend who would invite me over for drinks and then go out to dinner. She would often pick up the tab. She said it’s easier for her to take her guests out to dinner rather than make a meal at home. I have her and her husband over to my place for dinner or pick up the tab when the restaurant is closer to my place.
I know I am deviating from the main topic. 
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I don’t think it’s about power at all. I look at it as a gift.
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I have a sibling who is very,very,very wealthy. My parents were very comfortable and always paid when we went out. My sibling is very generous and treats in different ways that the rest of us would not. We host and pay for things and never want them to feel like we are taking advantage of them.
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You may feel it’s a gift, but the recipient may not feel the same. It’s also the reason I don’t always insist on paying with my kids. I want them to feel and know I think they have the ability to pay. When you always pick up the tab you are conveying a certain message.
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D1 is probably the highest earner in my extended family now. When we go out, instead of paying for the meal, she will pay for the wines or treat her cousins to drinks.
Share more about “they have the power”. To choose the restaurant? To decide when the party leaves? Not sure I understand this.
How would you personally feel if someone always pays whenever you go out? What do you think is the underlying message?
I think it’s different in a family than with friends. My mom and dad (divorced) both paid for most dinners and travel for my sibling and me until the day of their deaths. It’s what they wanted to do. We never felt it was a power trip. It was love. One of the love languages is providing for others.
Now we do the same for our kids and their wives/GF. No regrets and they appreciate it. I don’t know if it will last to our dying days, but I have no problem if it does.
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I would feel uncomfortable if a friend always paid. But not if I paid for my own children. Mine are still in college though. When I took DC back to school the last time, she bought us lunch which was nice (from a “aww, she is growing up” kinda perspective").
My guess is that we will probably be like my parents - they let us pay like once every 4 or 5 times! (And it is like 1/2 price pizza night 
.) I remember my 90-something grandmother insisting that she pay for lunch when she’d be out with my mom. Definitely not a power thing in my family though.
Like everything, it’s a balance.
Since high school, my kids have always used their own money to buy Christmas gifts , etc. (I know someone whose child, like at age 23, used her parents’ credit card to buy Christmas gifts for her parents! She was quite generous 
)
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First of all, there was no judgement intended for my question. I was just trying to understand it.
I truly just see it as a nice gesture. A gesture of “gosh, I liked spending this time with you”. It should not be obligation. Man, if intention was power (? Which I still don’t get) then keep your cash bud, I’ve got my own.
I guess I don’t go out a lot socially - mostly family - and there isn’t that I”m aware of an intention of power around footing the bill.
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My father in law was a frugal and practical man. His take was that if everyone has enough money it should flow one way in a family: down. For financial and tax reasons. Simple as that. If there was a problem with a kid having an incentive to be self supporting ( which he just viewed as unacceptable outside of illness) it could be a different story. Same if parents were struggling. But otherwise he just would not let his children pay for anything in his presence and he gifted them as much as possible for tax purposes. That’s how we do things with our children also.
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When we go shopping, I usually don’t indicate I might be paying. With at least one of our kids, I found that made the person select more carefully.
I am sure at this point in our case there is much more flowing to the next generation than from. But I appreciate when they offer to pay.
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