My parents always paid for dinners and vacations we went on with them- even if we were the ones inviting! They would never allow us to pay. It’s a gift.
My in-laws never pay, unless we are with other family members or their friends. They like the pretense that they create, that they are so supportive. They rarely thank us for the meal either. It’s like they are owed it. If they would have been great parents, I wouldn’t care, but they were not.
With our kids, we always pay- for their friends as well when we invite them.
Our family is funny in that there tends to be a grab for the bill. Usually, younger s would try to pay, and I wondered why older s didn’t try to grab. I found out later that older s would just venmo half the bill to younger s. Makes sense. When we are with them we either pay or let them rotate like this (they do like to pay and they can). When we travel with them and stay in an AirBNB I pay (they have in the past but I have more time to research the places now so I usually book it) but when we hit the supermarket for supplies/meals we divide up in the store and each fill our carts. Sometimes we pay for both carts, sometimes they do, sometimes we each pay our own. my DH is generous to a fault and is forever picking up tabs for people. Its not power, its kindness. For the mostpart I don’t mind, except when it comes to his moocher BIL. Dust would fall out of his wallet if he ever opened it for anything other than things he buys for himself (that is usually $$ and something he doesn’t need and/or can’t afford).
I have one friend who is a trust fund “kid” (we’re 50 now, so not really kids, but she came into this fund when she turned 25 and has never really worked). She has more money then she will ever know what to do with (her words). Whenever we go out (2 or 3 times a year), I always suggest we split the bill and she always insists on picking up the whole thing. I don’t argue. It doesn’t make me feel anything, it’s a non-issue.
Whenever we are with the kids and their families, my husband always insists on paying and that includes activities, meals and family vacations. However, whenever we eat at their homes, either from take-outs or home cooking, they pay most of the time. My husband feels we are enjoying spending their inheritance together.
Whenever I am out alone with them at restaurants, I let them pay for me. Both kids have much higher family incomes than we ever had, but we have much more accumulated wealth.
Several of my firms clients are “ trust fund kids”. What’s fascinating to me are those who worked hard anyways. Some in the family business. Some doing things that don’t pay much but they find fulfilling. One woman who we were advising has a 50+ million trust fund. She lives in a beautiful home and she did stay home with her kids when they were small. But as soon as they started school she went back to her job as a hospice nurse. I guess the parents did something right. Her siblings are the VP of the family business ( and he is very involved and hard working) and a school teacher who put in so much extra time and is beloved by the school community… when he was out of work a few years ago for half the year for cancer treatment ( he’s recovered) many families wanted a fundraiser for him. Almost no one knew his personal situation. Finally the principal had to assure the families that there was no financial need.
I’m the adult child in this scenario and I think it depends on the family. If my parents are inviting us out for dinner, it’s pretty much expected that they will pay. I’ve actually tried to pitch in before and my mom said no. We don’t usually go out with them very often - usually just for birthdays. If we invite them out somewhere, I’ll pay. We often take over food and grill it for them, or we’ll call and see if they are going to be hungry when we’re in the area and we’ll pick up pizza or something and bring it with. I’ve actually attempted to bring them dinner 2x in the last 3 weeks and struck out both times - my mom laughed about that - she was like eventually we’ll be hungry at the same time and you can bring us dinner. Sometimes my mom does the same when she’s in our area. I haven’t traveled with them in quite awhile, however when we did my mom always paid for the trips. I think she figures it’s her job as the parent or something. We live about 30-40 minutes away from my folks.
On the flip side, my SO’s parents, they’re very good about splitting things 50/50. if we travel with them, or go out to eat, etc. His mom is always trying to Venmo me their half of things, and we’re constantly sending money back and forth. The last time we traveled with them I suggested that we just each take turns paying for a meal, because it’s less of a pain in the butt. They live 5 hours away, so every time we see them it’s a trip for at least half of us (either us going to them, or them going to us, or the 4 of us going somewhere together).
When it comes to money, I’m sure that I make considerably more than all of them so in the end it’s really not a big deal. My dad is about to retire though, so maybe my mom will accept money for dinner in the future.
Is there anyone here who doesn’t really vacation with their adult kids? We vacationed with the kids when they were growing up, but my kids tend to do their own vacations now that they’re adults. D lives near us and sees us a lot, so she probably doesn’t need to also vacation with us…
If kids are involved (any age, any behavior), it’s no vacation. Those are called “family trips” and are best avoided. I hate traveling but would never do it with anyone other than DH and only under duress. We’ve only “traveled” with our son once to Disneyland (near DH’s parents) and to my mom’s in Michigan each summer when he was little. That was enough. The Army can satisfy any travel needs he has now as an adult.
No we don’t either. Our kids have demanding jobs and limited vacation time. When they vacation now, it’s with their significant others.
My son, his wife’s father has dementia and they aren’t vacationing at this point. My husband and I understandably are very understanding that my dil spend as much time as she can with her parents. If the tables were turned, I’m sure her parents would understand wanting to spend time with a sick parent.
My daughter, her SO’s parents seem to struggle with the fact that the kids want to spend their limited vacation time with the SO and not them.
I wish we could spend vacations together. My husband’s parents and my parents expected us to vacation with them. We had limited time and when we took a nuclear vacation, I always felt like the parents wanted to be invited. I guess I felt obligated to use our limited vacation time visiting family and don’t feel like I want to pass that on.
I’m the one losing I suspect but sometimes you bend over backwards not to do what you experienced. We don’t have any grandchildren yet so maybe things will change.
I remember going to Italy a few years ago and I know my mil wanted to be invited. We would have liked to invite the kids but my husband felt that if we invited the kids, we also had to invite the parents. So we went alone.
I think different situations might breed different outcomes in terms of vacationing (as @deb922 noted). We had a cottage for decades and the kids loved it so it was a meeting place for whoever could come whenever they could come. Having a vacation home def helps!
Now the cottage is out of the picture but it has been our kids initiating the idea of a family vacation each summer. It might be a week, it might be a long weekend. They have taken it upon themselves the last two summers (there are 3 kids, 2 SO’s) to pick dates, find vacation spots and rentals, etc. - they pass on some final choices to me and we narrow down to something. Then my job is to convince my H to come - lol, he does not like traveling!!!
I would NEVER expect a trip. For sure, vacation is limited. Up until now we have been fortunate as one of our kids has a very generous vacation policy and one is a teacher and had several weeks off in the summer - the 3rd has been in grad school. Lots of this is changing soon so time will tell what the family vacation future holds!
Our kids have come with us a few times pre-Covid. We all stayed together and went to SF Opera with my folks and my aunt and her 2 friends. They come down for the holidays every year. So far, S’s GF always goes to her family and S comes to us. S only stays a week or two but D stays longer, depending on other commitments.
True. We did always go visit my parents every summer and they would come down more then once during the school year to see us. So my kids saw them plenty. H’s parents lived 15 mins away and we saw them quite frequently. We never went on vacation with my parents or H’s parents though. We saw each other plenty otherwise. As for when and if I have grandchildren, I guess it depends. If we see each other a lot otherwise, do we need to take vacations together too?
As for paying on trips…well we haven’t really vacationed with our adult kids, so I guess we’d expect them to cover their share or maybe we’d cover some? We did pay for our D to fly to her Uncle’s celebration of life…
I love vacationing with my adult kids. They are great travelers and super company. But then again we don’t always have a need to do things together. We aren’t stuck at the hip. Nobody feels compelled to do something just for the sake of joining in. It’s more like a cruise ship vaca where everyone picks their own excursions.
I loved vacationing with my kids when they were growing up and I probably still would. I guess it’s probably because just about every non-work trip we took (from when they were born, up to 18), we had the kids along with us. Not that I regret it, not at all. But, it’s nice to be able to take trips just H and I again. And its fun for our kids to take trips with friends. And our D lives near us and comes over just about every week…so we tend to see each other a lot. Plus, D enjoys house and pet sitting when we’re gone…
And our kids haven’t asked to go on trips with us either. If they did, we’d probably arrange something…but they do like to travel differently then H and I do
We still vacation with our D’s mostly in the winter since we all love to ski. We had a family ski trip before Christmas and we are planning another one for spring skiing in March with both girls and their bf’s. Last year we also did a long weekend of wine tasting in Paso Robles.
H and I do a lot of traveling by ourselves too and we live close to the girls, but we still enjoy vacation time with all of us.
We love vacationing with our kids and their families. We rent a house on Martha’s Vineyard every summer for a week around the Fourth of July. We’ve been doing it since they were young. They seem to really look forward to it. I wasn’t sure if it would continue after they started families, but it’s still going strong. It’s a wonderfully relaxing time spent with each other. They still have a lot of other vacation time to do other vacations on their own. H and I will get back to some traveling too when Covid is over.
I’ve always loved traveling with our D, ever since she was little, and it’s only gotten better. I hope that her one day life partner will be as fun so we can keep traveling together!
We like to bring our daughter (only child and unmarried) with us when she can work her schedule to join us. Her friends never go anywhere, so if she didn’t join us she wouldn’t either. In addition, I still enjoy special trips which she and I (mother) go on together.
We travel a fair amount so on some trips our kids join us. They are fun adults and we enjoy similar activities. My siblings and friends also vacation with their kids. I’m sure in the future things will change as they start their own families but for now it works. I never vacationed with my parents after the age of 15 and always was a bit jealous of my friends who did but my parents were not adventurous or really that fun either.
