There is no right or wrong answer. The important thing is communicating so there is no resentment by any party. My DD is graduating this year and asked point blank whether I wanted her to start paying for outings when she starts working and I told her no. To clarify she asked if she could still travel with me and if I wanted her to pay, and I said no. So we are all clear. I’m sure she’ll offer, as that’s how she is, but she knows I won’t let her. I have older friends who still pay for their adult kids and grandkids (meals, outings, vacations). It’s not that unusual when the parents can afford it and I don’t see anything wrong with it or asking them to contribute.
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I also pay for their cell phone service (they buy the phones.) It’s $10 for each of them for unlimited and they can’t get it cheaper than that. I suppose I could collect $10 from each of them each month but why would I bother.
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I would expect my kids to pay for me at some point. I expect that we will continue to pay for meals together for quite awhile, but there are already times when I tell dd22 (currently 17) to just buy me a bubble tea next time after I give her some cash and she thanks me.
Among our families and friends it is always polite to offer to pay. I would not assume that my MIL was going to pay for us and we would feel rude if we didn’t offer to pay. We have modeled that behavior of offering to pay fairly consistently. It doesn’t have anything to do with how well off we are or aren’t. It’s just polite.
In fact, a friend was recently telling me a story of how she saw a woman who hangs out on the street (let’s call her “Tammy”) in the grocery store and my friend spoke to her, “Hey, how are you? Haven’t seen you in awhile,” because she recognized her as someone she passes frequently but hadn’t seen in recently. (My friend is very extroverted and friendly). “Tammy” said something like, “I’m doing good. How are you? Let me get some of those groceries for ya. I’ve got all these Food Stamps/EBT credits. I can’t use all this for just me. Let me get some of that for you.” My friend refused, of course, but it doesn’t matter how much money you make or don’t make. It’s polite to offer to pay.
And I am with the doctor who was shocked that the boyfriend didn’t bring money to pay for golf. That is all kinds of entitled in my book. He should have offered to pay and if the doctor wanted to pay he offers that. You don’t assume that someone else is going to pay for your entertainment. I often sent my kids with extra money to pay when going to the movies with friends and their parents. Usually the parent refused the offer and paid for my kid’s ticket, but we didn’t make that assumption.
We still tell the tale of the old college friend who went out to eat with a bunch of us a few years after college (his dad was a doctor fwiw). When the bill came, the friend said, “I don’t have any money” and got told, “There’s an ATM right around the corner.” He was a horrible mooch.
So, in sum, I would expect my kids to offer to pay soon (they are 20 and 17) for little things for us like a bubble tea or an ice cream and I would expect to offer to pay for bigger things for them until they are financially able to do so themselves. It just seems kinda basic to me. And I’m sure we will keep paying for their cell phones until they don’t want us to. We pay for MIL’s and a friend’s too on the family plan.
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We haven’t untangled the cell phone service yet either. I figure when they get married will be a good time to reconfigure that. Dealing with cell phone plans ranks just below haggling for a car. Blech. As far as buying a new phone, they’ve always paid for that themselves or it was a Xmas present.
Spouse and I are in our 50s. My parents let up pick up the check like once every 4 times 
.
I will probably be the same way with our kids!
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New iPhone! ha ha recently my husband needed a newer phone (pay attention I said “newer” not “new” phone) as he was using my old phone. So we got DS a new iPhone and my DH will get his old one and he’s so happy about it. We told him this is the last new phone we’d buy for him - yea we’ll see how the “softy” aka DH will behave in the future.
Whoa what kind of family plan where lines are only $10 a month!!
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I am enjoying reading all the replies as it’s helping me to realize my expectations of a sort of transition are not in line with the how most families seem to operate. That is helpful for me to understand.
We have only been to visit ds where he lives one time since he graduated from college. He bought our dinner one evening while we were there, and we were most appreciative of his doing so. When we came back we shared with friends (different from the friends in my OP) that he had done that. The husband said that they had never one time treated his parents to a meal out. I guess I just find it sort of odd that folks in their early 80s are still buying meals for their “kids” who are in their 50s. By the look on his face when we shared the story, it really seemed as though it had never occurred to him that, perhaps, they should offer to buy his parents a meal!
I suppose some of it is tied to familial norms. My parents died before I married, so I can’t really know what they would have done. My in-laws paid for our honeymoon as a wedding gift, but they never vacationed with us (I would not have enjoyed that anyway), and we rarely went out to eat when we visited them. Fil hated dining out. When we did go out, dh almost always paid. Since fil’s passing, we go out more when we visit mil, because she enjoys it. We almost always pay whether we are there or she is here visiting us.
Ds is on our cell phone plan. He Venmos dh his portion each month.
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We usually end up alternating or splitting paying for meals with MIL and her boyfriend. They pick up the tab sometimes and sometimes we do, occasionally we split it. That is how it always was when we were growing up and that it how my friends do it too. I wonder if some of this is regional?
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In what region are you?
Interesting thread.
When we were first married, inlaws and my parents always grabbed the bill. They always made it clear that it was their treat. Both would say that when they are unable to do so, they’d let us know.
Not until about 15 years into our marriage would either side sometimes let us pay. Usually only for like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
FF to being married close to 30 years now and we have been paying for meals for my parents for the last 8-10 years now. But still only about 50% of the time are we able to pay for inlaws meals Bc they fight us on it (we both tell the server to bring us the bill and the server starts to really wonder who to give it to, so then we get sneaky and start making gestures to give it to us whenever the server brings refills, etc.) MIL gets pretty irritated when we find a way to take care of the bill. It’s kinda gotten fun to be honest! She gets ticked but I think deep down they are appreciative that we continue to tell them how much we have appreciated their support throughout the years. They would do anything for us or their grandchildren. We are blessed with both sets of parents in that way!!!
We expect and will want to pay for all meals for our two S’s as they age, and when/ if they end up with partners.
In what region are you?
@itsgettingreal21, We’re from North Carolina and the South for many generations.
@123Mom123 I grew up with the fighting for the check thing too. We’ve always done that for as long as I can remember. I had older relatives trying to pass me cash when my dad snagged the check because they wanted to pay. We try to snag it when we take MIL out and she tries to get it before we can. So far my 20 yr old and 17 yr old have not yet tried to get it before either one of us, but I think the 17 yr old will one day. Not sure about the 20 yr old, a little tightfisted that one.
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@abasket --T-Mobile. The first two lines cost about $80 (for both) and each additional line is $10 for unlimited everything. My husband and I would have the first two lines with or without the kids so why should they pay more?
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We lived in the same city as our parents after we got married, each household paid their own check. We occasionally went to dinner with my parents, in-laws, and my brother and his family all together. Once we moved out of state from our parents, my parents pay if we go out to eat while visiting and staying with them. My MIL always cooked if we stay with her. My mom hates to cook, so they eat out most meals. We try to always make one nice dinner while visiting either side, usually blue crabs. We pay when they come to visit us, although it’s always a fight for the check with my parents. Sometimes my parents pull the “make sure the server gives us the check” trick with the seating host. I love to cook and don’t like going out to eat; when they visit, I cook most meals.
I used to pay for everything until my kids started to make money. I don’t think it should always be a one way street. When D1 was in her 20s and started to make some serious money, I would nudge her to pick up a round of drinks or pay for lunch when we would go out with my extended family. Now when we are out, even if I was paying for dinner/lunch, she would offer to buy wine/champane. When we go out by ourselves we would take turns in paying for things. D2 just graduated from law school this year, so we generally pay for her and her BF. Her BF will offer to pay for drinks sometimes. D2 is beginning to offer to pay for things now. I noticed she split my birthday meal with D1 and she is hosting the mother’s day lunch at her new apartment.
I always paid for my parents when my Dad was alive because he was a bit old school. My mom pays for a lot of things now because she said she can’t take it with her.
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I will say that my D always offers to pay if she’s out with other family members. Always. And she’s generous with gift giving with us and in general acts like the adult she is when she’s at home.
We also have an only child. Everything will eventually be hers anyway and I’d rather treat her now when she needs it than saving it all for when we are dead ; )
That said, we aren’t subsidizing housing or bills after she graduates. She’ll make good money as a chem e and she can afford a decent place on her own. We know someone who insisted on subsidizing her child (well into their 40s) so they could live a more lavish life style. That’s a hard no for me.
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We were out with a cousin (who is very close to us) and my 23 yo son. The cousin is 50 and we still paid for dinner, in part because it is always a bit awkward when we would have paid for the 3 of us and not him. But he was talking to my son about continuing to “milk the parents” for good meals etc. Partially joking but not really.
But was out with a niece a couple of years ago and realized she made more money than I did and so we split the check since she could easily afford it. However, I actually felt bad about that so next time will pay. I was just surprised she made that much!!
We have a family cell phone plan but the kids venmo their share each month. So far we pay on the rare occasions we go out. We also have been paying for at least part of the vacations (having them buy plane tickets but otherwise picking up the tab). Not sure how that will change once we are both retired and on a fixed income. I think it is nice if the kids pay some times. It should not be expected that the parents will always pay.
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I love being able to treat our kids and their friends/significant others. They are still students, but I think I’ll always enjoy paying for them and so does DH. We make it clear that we are inviting them to go out with us, so it’s our treat. If they offer to pay, that’s polite but not expected. (We would politely decline the offer.) I don’t expect that to change unless they invite us out and they really want to treat us.
With my parents and siblings, the whole question of who pays can be a little trickier. I won’t get into specifics, but the issue is that we would like to invite people to do things they want to do but they would not choose to spend their money on whatever it is. It is such a gift to us when they just say, “Thank you so much—let’s do it!!” And go on to enjoy a wonderful thing together (from a show at the theater to a beach house week). I appreciate it so much when people can just relax and enjoy it without focus on who’s paying.
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Yep, it’s not the paying, it’s the assumption that mooching is going to be ok. I had a friend with a lot of money, let’s just call her full pay Mom & her DDs best friend was ‘need based kid’ in terms of how universities treated them. By the end of senior year, full pay Mom was, repeatedly complaining about full pay kid’s attitude of entitlement and assumption FP Mom would pay for everything. This was a very kind and generous friend who could afford to pay for that kid, but the kid did not handle it well, it was the attitude that griped FPMom.
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I think this is the challenge the friend in my OP is having with regard to the sil.
Sil wanted to get his wife (my friend’s elder daughter) a new bike for her birthday and asked my friend if she wanted to go in halfsies on the bike. My friend said yes. My guess is he could not have afforded it all on his own. Then sil thought it would be fun to take a weekend trip for the birthday as well and go to the the town where he had found the bike (about three and a half hours away with lots of fun things to do) and make it all a big surprise. As she is telling me this story I said, “And I supposed that meant, ‘Let’s all go to ________________, and you can pay for hotel, entertainment, and meals for us for a couple of nights.’” And, she said that was exactly what it meant. So, sil wants a nice surprise trip for wife, but he wants his in-laws to pay. And, they do. Which, honestly, is their own fault for not implementing any boundaries any sooner. They needed to learn how to say, “No,” many years ago. On top of this, sil gets annoyed because there are certain dates my friend doesn’t want go. It’s caused a lot of resentment.
It IS the attitude that makes the difference.
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