<p>Jonri, I didn’t think you mislead me. I would never think that. I thought I misunderstood.</p>
<p>I’m just coming at this from the perspective of the truly uneducated, middle-aged man with no job. Those guys can’t take for granted that there will be another job for them, even something not so nice. When he was in a similar situation, my husband took a job stocking supermarket shelves overnight. MOre than a decade later and even though he has a good job now, he still holds that job because he is so afraid of being in that position as an older man. I can tell you that jobs like that won’t hire an older man because it is such a physical job, many restaurants and stores won’t hire older men when they can get young kids that they can push around or immigrants with lower expectations. Also, in some places the educated are taking those jobs leaving the uneducated out in the cold.</p>
<p>So what if he could have gotten another job of any sort?</p>
<p>I’m a strong believer in paying for your kids’ education, but I don’t think a 50-something laid-off blue-collar worker has an unlimited window for retraining, and it seems bizarrely disproportionate for a man in his position to compromise the rest of his working life (and thus the rest of his life) to save his son from the burden of carrying a modest amount of debt for the education he is getting. Not even as punishment for leaving his family and taking up with another woman.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s not the kid’s fault. No one is suggesting it is. Yes, everyone should be flexible and generous, not stamping feet or drawing lines in the sand. The father should contribute (and apparently wants to, a lot). The mother should contribute. The stepmother should be willing, effectively, to subsidize the father’s contribution. And the kid should be willing to step up a bit.</p>
<p>I have something of a funny perspective. A few years ago, when we took over my mother-in-law’s finances, we saw for the first time my in-laws’ divorce settlement from 1980. In it, my father-in-law agreed to pay for my wife’s graduate school (to which she hadn’t even applied at the time). No one ever told her. She scrimped for years to pay for her first year, borrowed the second year, and I paid for the third, and then paid off the second-year loan. Did it tick us off that he never offered to pay anything? Sure. He could have afforded it without much trouble. Did it matter a lot to us in the long run? Not really. Things worked out fine. She feels some distance because of it, but lots more than some money would have to have changed for her not to feel some distance, and he never acted like bringing her closer was high on his to-do list. I’m not sure why her mother never told her, but maybe her mother never knew she was paying for it herself. It would never have occurred to us to ask her mother for money.</p>
<p>So… the husband is obligated to scrape the bottom of the barrel for minimum wage jobs to help minimize the loans. Anything otherwise is not fulfilling his obligation to his son. Including, of course, having the kid take out loans and then helping him pay them back if necessary with his higher salary 1.5 years later… Talk about short-sightedness.</p>
<p>Interesting thread, with a number of perspectives I wouldn’t have thought of.</p>
<p>My husband is one of six kids. His stepfather has three kids if his own. At one point in time, many years ago, there were five kids of the blended family in college at the same time. It wouldn’t have occured to anyone to expect a blending of finances for college. MIL and her ex worked (or not) it out for their own six, stepFIL and his ex figured it out for their own three. There was a job loss during those years, and nobody thought the employed spouse should have stepped in to help pay for the step kids’ colleges. (This is a warm, supportive, loving, huge blended family, but there was absolutely no expectations for college money from step parents.)</p>
<p>I wouldn’t expect a step parent to chip in for college. It would be a lovely gesture, and I know some step parents who have contributed generously, but I’ve looked at that as a bonus, not as an expectation.</p>
<p>Well…I’ll bow out after this. I’m obviously on a different wave length from most of you. </p>
<p>First, JHS, I don’t know how you know the H left his first W for another woman. Even if she left him for his best friend, I’d answer the same way. This isn’t about punishing anyone. This is about funding a kid’s education. Who was at fault in the break up of his parents’ marriage is irrelevant. It’s not taken into account in determining financial aid.</p>
<p>Second, please note what W#2 is complaining about. It’s unfair that H is not paying his “share” of extras, like eating out. I guess you all think that having him pay half of the cost of eating out is more important that paying tuition for his S. I don’t…and again, I wouldn’t think so if the “originals” were still married to each other. </p>
<p>Third, you all seem to believe that the only option the H/dad had was to return to school. I don’t buy that. It may be and probably was his best option, but his only option? Seriously, whether or not he could find a job is irrelevant? I don’t think so. If his parents were still married to each other, do you think whether he could find another job would be taken into account in deciding whether to go back to school now? I do. </p>
<p>Note that the job to be supposedly will pay $35,000 at first. The clear implication is that income is expected to go up after some initial time period. Maybe it does make sense to go back to school now–and maybe the way around this is to have S borrow $ with the understanding that dad will help pay it back. I don’t see any reason to think first W is hell bent on destroying her ex-H. </p>
<p>The sense I get is that dad wouldn’t have to go into debt for school if he weren’t paying for S. </p>
<p>I don’t get to rule the universe, so my opinion doesn’t matter. I realize that. Still, I think providing for your kids’ education is more important than eating dinner out.</p>
<p>I would agree that there are quite a few unemployed engineers out there and no guarantee that the S involved will be able to get an engineering job, much less one that pays $60-70K right out of college, which will be at least 2+ years from now. When our S graduated from a highly ranked engineering program in 2010, many of his peers did NOT have jobs lined up.</p>
<p>It really seems the OP & her H need to work together so they’re on the same page and can figure out what they CAN willingly and realistically contribute toward the kid’s education. If they don’t get on the same page, it will definitely be a MAJOR strain on their marriage! Once OP & H figure out what their income vs. expenses are and can figure out their position for retirement and how much they can realistically afford, THEN they need to work with the S & ex-W. </p>
<p>Agree also that having W’s money, H’s money & joint money is a bit cumbersome and tough concept for many of us. When we married, we considered all our assets to below to H & me, but I guess we’re all different.</p>
<p>Good luck with all of this. It needs to be addressed holistically and in a united matter because the fallout can last for a very long time.</p>
<p>Sure, graduating debt-free is really a nice thing, IF it is something that is realistically affordable but not at the risk of having sufficient resources for a comfortable retirement. In our 50s, we have to recognize that we are a LOT closer to retirement (voluntary or involuntary) than the college students. Job openings for folks in their 50s are not too plentiful.</p>
Where is the money coming from that he is using to give to his son and squeak out his half of your expenses?<br>
I don’t see how “choice” is relevant. Everything in life is about choices. For the sake of suggesting advice to the OP, and in the absence of more detailed information, I’m willing to accept the premise that OP’s husband was able to take a realistic view of his employment situation and determine that getting more training was the best option. Would it have been better if he had pounded the pavement to no avail for 12 months? </p>
<p>JHS is right - his opportunities are more limited than those of a younger person, and taking a minimum wage job just to keep paying on son’s bills (how much would that accomplish anyways, given his “half” of the expenses is probably more than a minimum wage job would afford?) might well have consigned him to that status permanently.</p>
<p>Several posters have mentioned that there should have been some arrangement at the time of the divorce - but wouldn’t his change of job circumstances have forced a renegotiation anyways?</p>
<p><a href=“from%20the%20OP”>quote</a> It’s unfair that H is not paying his “share” of extras, like eating out.
[/quote]
Well, there’s a point right there. Personally I’d put paying for college ahead of ‘extras like eating out’. </p>
<p>I also caught the age 21 reference in the OP’s post and wonder if that’s a factor in the OP’s thought process - i.e. now that the OP’s S is 21 not having (or feeling obligated) to paying any more for the college.</p>
<p>As far as what to do in this specific situation - none of us know the particulars and financial details so it’s all just generic input based on how we interpret the OP’s post. Again, there’s no single way families handle paying for college so there are bound to be many opinions here. There are often compromises based on ability to pay - i.e. finding a college that fits the budget and adjusting when circumstances change. I’m just wondering if this is really all about the OP’s H’s changing circumstances or many additional factors.</p>
<p>We’re at 5 pages though and no more posts from the OP.</p>
<p>So two years of Federal Direct Loans and an additional $20,000 for the H’s schooling…so maybe $35,000 of debt to pay back over ten years or so. That ought to be doable. The father has already offered that so I think the current wife and the husband need to sit down and put pen to paper and figure out how to make that happen in two scenarios…the H doesn’t find a job in the next two years and if the H does find a job in the next two years. The federal direct loans can be adjusted to the son’s actual income also so potentially those monthly payments on the $35,000 might be lowered alittle and the payback on the federal loans won’t start until after the son graduates. Frankly I think the OP has the bar set alittle high for a starting engineer salary…I think it’s more like mid-fifties so if push comes to shove perhaps the dad can split the payments with the son until the family income gets high enough to support or whatever although a $50,000 salary WILL support the payments on $15,000 worth of federal direct loans. Hopefully the “ex” wife is amenable to the H’s offer to payback or help payback the loans. Seems like the winning answer.</p>
<p>There are a lot of married couples who do not think it is their responsibility to pay for their kid’s college tuition. Most CC’ers would tell any students that they shouldn’t expect their parents to pay for their education, they should consider going to a community college to save some money or take out some loans. So what’s so different in this case? Why are we not telling this student to take some time off or go to the community college or take out some loans.</p>
<p>OP’s husband is smart to get retrained for another job. Maybe the husband got fired because his job got out sourced or got eliminated because of new technology. It is short sighted to get a minimum wage job when you could get retrained for a higher paying job.</p>
<p>It is not the son’s right to get his college paid for, but it is the husband’s right to make sure he has the skills to get another job for next 20 years. I am the first wife, but I don’t think I would expect someone else (other than my kid’s father) to pay for my kids’ college education.</p>
<p>Since the kid is in engineering, the curriculum is generally pretty tightly prescribed and CC tends not to offer much to JRs in engineering. The issue to me sounds like what the dad promised and whether the step mom & dad agree & how this will all work out. If the dad promised more than the step mom is willing to contribute, this could be a long-term issue for their marriage AND relationship with student. It is already mid-August and some decisions and choices have to be made for the fall. The dad, ex, and step mom have to come to some agreements with the student son, whatever they are so some planning can be done at this date.</p>
<p>I echo the posts of the people who said that Dad and Son need to have a heart to heart. Son probably doesn’t realize the extent of the dad’s financial issues and the fact that he is now needing to take out loans to help pay for his own college. At the very least suggest splitting the loans that are taken out between Dad and Son instead of Dad being the only one taking out loans. It is one thing to help pay for school if you are working full time. Quite another if you lost your job and are now retraining yourself. After everyone is out of school, Dad can always help pay off Son’s loans if he finds himself financially able to do so - or perhaps son can help his dad pay off dad’s college loans! The conversation at age 17 would have been much different than the entering Junior year talk as back in high school Dad was still working. Things change and people need to adapt.</p>
<p>I agree with the heart to heart between dad and son. Things are not the same today as they were when the son was deciding where to go to college, etc. The young man is now going into junior year, so the whole idea of CC work is not going to work. If I were in this families’ shoes, I would tell the son that he needs to take on the debt as the dad is taking on debt for his own education. Then when the dad is employed after retraining, he will help son IF it is possible.</p>
<p>The father needs to be in the position of taking care of himself before and after he retires.</p>
<p>Not only engineering, but with few exceptions…most upper-division courses…especially those comparable to ones offered at elite schools. </p>
<p>Community Colleges are mainly targeted towards students fulfilling lower-division courses corresponding to the first two years of undergrad and remedial courses for those who aren’t prepared for college-level work. </p>
<p>While I agree with the substance of Oldfort’s comments…OP’s stepson is past the stage where a community college would help considering he’s going into his 3rd year. That is, unless he plans to switch out of engineering and is willing to spend more time in school to make up prereqs in a new major.</p>
<p>^Or he could take a couple of years off, save some money to contribute to his tuition, or wait until he is 24 and no longer needs to rely on his parents’ financials. He has several options.</p>
<p>Depending on the private school he’s at, they may not allow him to take such a long leave of absence…whether it’s two years or moreso…till he’s 24.</p>
<p>Most students would be happy to graduate with 20k student loans. Both H and I graduated with 10k each (maximum loans we could take out) and we paid it off with no problem.</p>