Why have parents gone crazy in the last 10 years?

Parents Forum
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<p>Ha! Crazy? Just read my CC name!</p>

<p>What makes people crazy during college application season? The internet. Just a few years ago (2001, living in a small town in the midwest) we had dial up internet service that took forever to download anything, and one single desktop computer. Now we have lightning fast service on our desktop, laptops, I-Pads and phones. Research is so darned simple and easy now, so we all have more choices, more to compare, and a wide network of friends and virtual friends to give us advice. So much information. So much advice. It can make you crazy.</p>

<p>Like a few other posters, I live in the DC area, and yes, parents are crazy here. Not everyone, and not even everyone in my immediate area. But the crazy increases with income and education and place of parental origin. Wealthy self-made realtor, who grew up in a rural part of the state and barely made it through undergrad at a very “lowly” instate directional? Totally down to earth. On the same street, a double income doctor/lawyer, both of whom are from wealthy east coast areas, both of whom went to “elite” private undergrad and even more elite grad school? Completely crazy. (This is for illustrative purposes, and not intended to start an argument. It isn’t a slam directed to doctors and lawyers. These are just a couple of families I know who live a couple of blocks from each other.)</p>

<p>There are parents around (the doctor/lawyer family) my area who start hard core SAT prep in early middle school, who are driven (in terms of their kids’ achievements) in ways that appear to be crazy from the outside, but from the inside of their own heads, homes, social and work circles seem totally normal.</p>

<p>And there is a parental pressure around here that (in my opinion) is more destructive than productive. I have a kid who was kicked off a 5th grade sport club team because she/we were not devoted enough to the sport and team. This was because she also loved band, and missed some tournaments and practices due to musical commitments. In fifth grade. This was crazy.</p>

<p>On the other hand, there are so many families who DO completely devote themselves to a travel/club team that it can be impossible for a child to make the local public high school sport team if she hasn’t played club sports for years because so many other kids HAVE. We know a family who drives their high school student two hours, one way, twice a week to practice with the number one ranked club team for that sport in the nation. They have been doing this for years, because the more local teams just aren’t good enough. (The more local teams are ranked lower nationally, but are above the level of playing with rocks and branches torn from trees. The local club teams compete in the same tournaments, and sometimes beat the #1 ranked team. But the rankings matter to this fsmily.) It is a kind of crazy that is obvious from the outside, but seems normal and rational from the inside. </p>

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<p>@fauve‌
I guess I am just looking at the odds of getting into HYPS and thinking it’s such a crap shoot; why spend the money for admission fees
these schools admit something like 5% or less
I still think kids should stop applying. They won’t; but my son and I feel good about not giving them any of our money even if it was only a few hundred dollars.</p>

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<p>And there’s this article: "Are extracurriculars crowding out study time? <a href=“http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/are-extracurriculars-crowding-out-study/2014/04/07/8f7822ae-bce9-11e3-b574-f8748871856a_story.html”>http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/are-extracurriculars-crowding-out-study/2014/04/07/8f7822ae-bce9-11e3-b574-f8748871856a_story.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I think the decision whether to apply to an elite school is an individual one based on each person’s own assessment of risk/reward. </p>

<p>On the risk side of the ledger is the time and money involved to submit an application, and maybe some intangible factor for stress or possible disappointment. </p>

<p>I think the rewards are self-evident and the chances of achieving them are based on all the usual suspects
grades, rigor, standardized tests, ECs, honors, intangibles, hooks.</p>

<p>I think kids should go through the process of assessing risk/reward in choosing which colleges to apply to.</p>

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<p>I think that for many students the EC’s are crowding out lots that isn’t going to be going on a resume, such as reading for pleasure, or spending extra time on an assignment that is particularly interesting, past the point needed for a top grade.</p>

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<p>@fenwaypark‌
Of course the decision to apply to elite schools are individual and should be. The hard fact is still there. 5% or less of applicants get in. It seems a tremendous waste of time and (a small) amount of money. Maybe I just value time and money more than most!</p>

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<p>I wasn’t aware of any of this until I started coming on CC! Valedictorians of even the larger public schools in NC, including ones with National Merit money, are rarely focused on schools other than the ones in state. It’s not that they aren’t qualified to go anywhere they want. They just don’t think about colleges far away.</p>

<p>I know the parents of a very bright high school student who has terminal cancer. They would be exuberant if she lived to go to any college or even straight into a job with no college at all. Some of the obsessed parents in this country need to think about perspective.</p>

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<p>And I think parents at the other extreme are just as crazy. I see young girls on the subway in NYC with their babies (mom’s look to be about 15) and they pour their from their own bottle of coca cola into the baby’s bottle- at 7:30 in the morning, not that I think babies or toddlers should be drinking caffeinated soda at any hour of the day. There are parents in my own suburban town who have never gone to back to school night- can’t be bothered. There are big numbers of parents who vote down every tax increase and every school bond and yet they complain constantly about services their kid needs and how the taxpayers should pay for it (I think they mean “other taxpayers”, not themselves).</p>

<p>I wish as a society we’d spend more time worrying about the “crazy parents” who don’t know the basics of infant nutrition or care about their kids education. I know- they’re not crazy, just ignorant. But imagine if all the high strung/competitive parents out there got together and figured out a way to get the folks who don’t care about education at all just to care a tiny bit more-- well, wow. Isn’t that crazy?</p>

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<p>Momzie wrote: “The woman who spent the last twelve years of her life doing her kid’s homework now wants to go to Harvard and she feels that she has earned it. I just hope her essays are good enough!”</p>

<p>Thanks for my laugh of the day. :)) I remember the science fair days (not fondly). My kids always did their own projects and it showed. I still remember a first grader who had power point presentation with Excel spreadsheets as part of his project. The parent must have been so proud when “he” won first place. </p>

<p>Then there was the time that my daughter was in Destination Imagination in 3rd grade and the mother who was the coach tried to get the kids to vote one of the kids whom she didn’t like off the team when he missed a meeting. Not dissing coaches of DI as I know that it is a ton of work. However, that kind of competitiveness is off the charts. </p>

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<p>Even in our average public HS, I remember at least one overly competitive mother. She called the principal (who was a friend of mine and told me about it after the kids’ graduated) to complain that my D was the only freshman girl placed into the JV choir when her D was “much more talented and even takes voice lessons.” The principal had to explain that my D only got placed in JV because of a schedule conflict with Advanced Latin. She was invited to enrol her D in Advanced Latin, if she really wanted to be in JV choir. The mother declined. </p>

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<p>I feel the same way. Out here in flyover country, most people I know are just thrilled when S or D gets accepted to UMich or MSU - granted, we have great state flagship(s) here, so that makes a difference, I suppose. I know kids in D’s class who were accepted to Harvard and Yale, and while other parents seemed genuinely happy for these kids, just as many were genuinely baffled as to why they’d want to turn down UMich or MSU.</p>

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<p>The attitudes OP describes are very much what I see on a routine basis. I admire parents who push on the academic front as kids need to acquire knowledge. I am annoyed by the inquiries/discussions/success story telling about the ECs that are allegedly appealing to elite colleges. Examples, Asian should play golf because it’s an atypical Asian sports, lacrosse is better than badminton as the latter is viewed as too Asian, music is not good and almost counter-productive to college admissions because too many Asians play music
. I can go on and on. All the wrong reasons for ECs, IMHO.</p>

<p>Then there is this struggle to get into the math/science magnet or IB programs as if they are the only route for successful admissions to the ivies. Parents pay $$$ for the prep courses, which again is something I don’t get. We have superior neighborhood high schools, but of course they are second-class in these parents’ eyes. My S was admitted to both programs, went to the open house, and came back declined both. He didn’t like the 2 extra hour bus ride each day. I said “fine, your decision, but don’t waste those 2 hours”.</p>

<p>I think there will be less stress or “Ivy Day” disappointment if parents focus on the process, not the end result. For me, it’s important that my kids worked hard, tried their best, and developed a strong work ethic in their high school years. Whether they attend an elite college or a “less prestigious” state college, it’s not important as I know they are well prepared once they leave my house. </p>

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<p>What? Obviously whoever is giving that advice has never heard of Tiger Woods
or Michelle Wie for that matter. </p>

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<p>You know what made me sad? Reading the results posts after March 10th from 12 and 13 year-olds who were feeling like failures because they didn’t get into the best boarding school. </p>

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<p>I think there have always been parents focused on those top 20 schools
but it was a very very small % of parents
who either attended those schools themselves or had aspirations for their child to attend based on the community where they lived (i.e. parents of kids at Phillips Academy Andover <em>always</em> had these expectations). </p>

<p>The difference now, I think, is that a much higher % of parents have that dream for their kid
swelled by the number of internationals with the same dream
so now it appears that parents have gone loco
with the truth being that just many more parents are acting like the 1% of parents did for decades
</p>

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<p>I agree with the comment on internationals. About Andover/Exeter, my D was accepted last year but couldn’t attend due to not enough FA. We did attend the Revisit Day. The parents we met appeared to be humble and not name-driven. I remember in a parent-only session at Exeter, we were told that “if your purpose of sending the kids to Exeter is to get into an elite college, then we are at the wrong place”.</p>

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<p>Education is far more competitive than it is used to be. Also, it is very expensive.</p>

<p>I won’t care so much about a college if it would be for free. If price tag is $250,000 - parents are getting really involved. </p>

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<p>First schools ask parents to help and participate. Next, they label them “helicopter”. </p>

<p>I won’t care about my D’s homework’s much, unless 
 1) it is important for her grades 2) all other parents help their children with homework 3) if I am the only one parent, that doesn’t help - my D is at competitive disadvantage. </p>

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<p>"“if your purpose of sending the kids to Exeter is to get into an elite college, then we are at the wrong place”. </p>

<p>Translation: no guarantees. The school is not promising you anything. </p>

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<p>In the past 10 years I think we have seen a phenomenon of parents who believed they <em>had</em> to get their kids in the best possible college regardless of affordability and that their kids would be lifelong underachievers if they went to cheaper state schools. I have seen many posters here soundly reject that of course, but CC posters definitely do not represent what the majority of parents have been thinking the past 10 years. Add in the fact that many of them have had the same attitudes as students about student loans - that taking them out is inconsequential and its’ free money. Now I know people at CC don’t say that but I do feel many parents have also believed that and some even have tried to pressure their kids into that mentality, that going into debt for college is as trivial as getting a new set of clothes.</p>

<p>Of course, now the tide does seem to be changing on a national level as well. I have read that one or two years ago college enrollment was down 2 % or so from the previous year which is the first time that has happened in a long time. And now you see at state schools more students who are easily capable of going to the private places but chose, along with their families, their schools based on affordability.</p>