Why have parents gone crazy in the last 10 years?

Parents Forum
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<p>We get a lot of delusional parents on the Engineering forum who think their kids are “gifted” and “superstars”. </p>

<p>I saw this my first semester of Engineering school. When their “superstar kids” get a 50 on their first Chemistry exam, they start to freak out.</p>

<p>I know several kids who were relatively smart and flunked out of Engineering their very first semester because they were fed so much BS by their parents, many thought their high school study skills would be sufficient to get them through, it is a rude awakening for many.</p>

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<p>^^ Nothing can be done with delusional. Delusional, by definition, is a lost cause already.</p>

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<p>@fondmemories - great post, very well said. I agree that the current economic difficulties has given the “ticket on a lifeboat” reason more weight, although clearly this phenomenon was present prior to 6 years ago. I also agree with @awcntdb that the current cost of an elite education (assuming you don’t qualify for generous aid) is an important factor as well. I would also postulate that the information explosion has created a hyperawareness effect that contributes. There are probably a couple of other reasons that would also carry some significant weight. It would appear we are looking at a confluence of fairly recent changes that have made this into an honest-to-God phenomenon that seems to most of us to be considerably less than healthy for our kids, and probably for the parents too. But it is the kids that suffer most.</p>

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<p>We live in the Midwest and don’t really see the rat race that you’re talking about here. Having lived on both coasts growing up I totally understand what you are talking about. More concern in our area is given to sports, with kids doing baseball year round and traveling every weekend of the summer to play in tournaments. My son will probably not make the Varsity team in a couple of years because we decided to have a more normal family life instead of devoting our lives to baseball.<br>
These highly competitive schools and parents are turning kids into robots who only do ECs for their college resume. What good is it to do volunteer work(as an example) so it can be on your college resume? Is your heart really in it? </p>

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<p>^^ My son purposefully avoided being recruited because of the rat race element. With that pressure off, he really enjoyed his sport too. But lo and behold, he when got to college he made the team, as a walk-on. So, your son still has a shot at varsity without the going through the competitive song and dance.</p>

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<p>@fallenchemist - It is possible the pressure is high for generous aid receivers as well. Even if on serious aid, transferring is often not possible because of very limited to zero of fin-aid for transfers. So, even if lower cost, the decision where to attend is probably just as important to the student because he cannot just leave without, most likely, losing the college opportunity.</p>

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<p>Meh. That is a huge assumption and a stereotype.
People who actually do things as part of an EC (volunteering, in your example) is very different than the person who joins 6 clubs and doesn’t do anything.
Regardless, in both of those cases, they aren’t “robots”.</p>

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<p>It means the difference between your kid getting a scholarship vs. you retiring at age 90.</p>

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<p>@awcntdb - You kind of lost me on that reply. I wasn’t talking or even thinking about transfers. I was just eliminating those that would qualify for the very generous aid HYPS offers for low income families from your set of people that have to worry about the cost of their kid’s education.</p>

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<p>@awcntdb, It’s not bad for a parent to want the best for their child and try to get them to be the best they can be. A lot of this will require parents to educate themselves so they are informed as to what the possibilities are. When I say helicoptering, I mean parents who meddle in their kid’s school affairs, call professors to complain, practically do their kid’s homework for them, high private tutors, etc. I feel like those types of parents are the ones that have unrealistic expectations. The reason I associate this with wealthier kids is that it takes a lot of time and effort (as well as money to keep up with this). However these are just an example I parents interested in prestige, a lot of it can also be cultural which comes out in different way.</p>

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<p>@Poeme stated, “When I say helicoptering, I mean parents who meddle in their kid’s school affairs, call professors to complain, practically do their kid’s homework for them, high private tutors, etc.” </p>

<p>I absolutely agree with you IF the above are situations caused by the parent that disrupt schooling, but that is not always the case. </p>

<p>In today’s school system, kids are powerless with all sorts of zero nonsense policies and political correctness, which leave little common sense recourse. This leaves many kids at the mercy of schools when the kids have done nothing wrong, and parents who have the time have the right and obligation to step in. </p>

<p>For example:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>The student who forgot her grandparents’ aspirin in her purse from the weekend when they went to the park together is suspended for a week because of zero drug policy. Parents should step in. </p></li>
<li><p>Student who answers test questions correctly, but answers are marked wrong, even though correct. It was the book that was wrong, and the student knew better and put the correct history answer. Teachers refused to accept kid’s appeal. Been through this one several times myself in my kid’s fifth and six grades. Parents should step in.</p></li>
<li><p>The student who was told his paper in support of the second amendment would not be accepted, as a writing assignment because it advocated violence. Possession of a gun does not say anything about its use, and a right afforded by a founding document is not off limits to discuss in school; it is a fundamental right. Parents should step in. </p></li>
<li><p>I am one of those parents who can pay for expensive tutors etc. Never needed to, but if my kid ever needed as much, I would consider it a dereliction of my parental duty to help my child the best I can if I did not step in and get him that tutor. To limit the help my child receives because some other parent cannot do the same for his child makes no sense to me; not all families are equal in resources, and I believe each family is obligated to use the resources it has to better itself. Such help to one’s child does no harm and is damaging no one else. Parents should step in.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Trust this clearer as to what I meant.</p>

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<p>@fallenchemist - You are correct, as I did not formulate my answer the best. I was making an analogy, although poorly written. Let me try it again.</p>

<p>I was responding to this statement, “…the current cost of an elite education (assuming you don’t qualify for generous aid) is an important factor as well.”</p>

<p>The analogy I was making is the current cost of an elite education for the low income student who does qualify for generous aid is probably as important a factor, if not moreso, as that of the full-pay student. It might even be more costly in terms of opportunity costs. </p>

<p>Low income students may have more to lose in taking the “wrong” college decision because they are kind of stuck there if they do not like it. They are stuck because they cannot just up and leave if the school turns out to be not a good fit or a terrible fit. So, the low income college student has more to lose with a bad decision because transfer is rarely an option (very limited transfer fin-aid) and, if they leave, the highly selective college opportunity might be gone for good.</p>

<p>Take this in contrast to my kids. I may be out money, and they may have had a bad experience, but my kids can up and go to another school, no problem - there will always be a school that will accept a check writer. I just would see the initial money spent as a waste, and they would see the experience as a waste too. This is a different kind of loss than the above example. However, the college opportunity is not the potential loss here and recovery is easier.</p>

<p>My point is even the generous aid qualifier needs to do serious research and choose correctly as well. </p>

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<p>@Violet1996‌ bringing home a bad grade and making your student own it & ensuring that your child has the best teachers are completely separate things. My dd goes to an inner city magnet school where many students come from the suburbs. Often times, those students were funneled into the classes of the better teachers. While my child was given a schedule with the teachers that were not as good. I have no idea why this happened but after freshman year, I started to notice the divide. So yes, I am one of those parents that decided which teachers my daughter had. Why should she be stuck with mediocrity? Did the GCs like it? Absolutely not, but it’s the parents job to make sure that the child has a fighting chance.</p>

<p>@awcntdb‌, parents are meddling in kids private affairs? (page 7)Did you mean to say that? You can’t be a parent with that idea. It’s the parents role to raise a child and give input, discipline, love etc…if kids have private affairs? Why do they need to live with us parents until the age of 18? We have seen it all too often what happens when parents don’t meddle and leave Johnny to his own devices. When a student goes off to college, that’s a completely different story. And I have never been one of those parents to call a teacher to complain about a grade. Your last post ^^, is contradicting what you said on the previous page.</p>

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<p>@NewHavenCTmom - Yes, I did mean to say that. Kids have private lives that need to respected as well. It was not a blanket statement of all hands off.</p>

<p>For example: </p>

<p>1) I do not get involved in my kids’ private conversations with their friends or between themselves as brothers. None of my business. That is the teenagers’ world; I respect that distinction. </p>

<p>2) I do not tell them what movie to go see, as long as it is not R or adult movie. Well, that is over now since one is over 18 and the other is turning 18 like now. They are legally adults and can go see what they want. But, I think I guided well enough that they choose wisely.</p>

<p>3) I do not tell them what clothes to buy, as long as they dress decent. </p>

<p>4) I do not tell them what color to paint their rooms, as long as it is not hideous. </p>

<p>5) I do not tell them how to arrange their rooms, as long as it is not messy.</p>

<p>I could go on and on with many more examples. However, the point is made. </p>

<p>Kids do have private lives that need to be respected in order for them to develop their own personalities, character, sense of whom they are in the world, and what they want to present to the world, separate from their parents. One thing I have always told my kids - “Do not think you need to be like me because I have that covered just fine all by myself.” </p>

<p>Talking / approaching a school is not a contradiction because school, public or private, is not a private affair, as it is either my tax dollars paying for it or my check book. Therefore, I have serious say in it, if I choose to exercise that say. Other parents have the exact same say, and in the examples I gave, they do have the right, and I would even go as far and say an obligation, to step in.</p>

<p>In my specific case, the issue was with a private school that did not vet a few textbooks properly. I would have done the same with a public school.</p>

<p>There is an important distinction here - I too have never been one of those parents to go to a teacher to complain about a grade. But, I did three times (maybe four) approach teachers on correct answers marked as incorrect that subsequently changed a grade to much higher. It is my responsibility, as parent, to make sure my kids are not learning incorrect information. That is not a public or private issue; that is a fundamental parental responsibility. </p>

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<p>@awcntdb - I understand what you are saying now, although we are straying pretty far from the original topic. Suffice it to say that the right “fit” between college and student is always an important factor, almost no matter the topic. But you are certainly right that the options of low-income students are nearly always more limited than those with more money. HYPS is one of the few exceptions. The low-income and wealthy can both attend if accepted without having to worry about the cost. It is the low 6 figure income family that often feels squeezed. And to your point, it is always difficult for transfer students to find the kind of $$ sometimes offered to incoming freshmen. Moving to another school may indeed be an unaffordable option. How different the world has gotten in that regard since not all that long ago, when the prospect of a low income student affording an ivy was far more dim.</p>

<p>Now back to talking about crazy parents, lol.</p>

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<p>@fallenchemist It is clear to me that we have a misunderstanding between us. We both have different definitions of “above average.” You seem to think it means only slightly above, while I see it as an umbrella term covering all those who are above the average. Does that make sense? </p>

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<p>@allforthebest - While I acknowledge that technically the term “above average” means anything from 51% to 100% (assuming 50% is average) it is overly broad in the context that the OP used it. It is as clear as day from the way it was used. Obviously if he meant that above average included kids with 4.0’s and 2400 SAT scores, he never would have made that comment in relation to getting into Ivy League schools.</p>

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<p>I think there’s a difference, too, between a parent who supports a child’s dream with all the resources available to them and one who imposes their own dreams onto the child. For instance, the mom who allows the elite gymnast to move away from home to train with the best coach in the world and qualify for the olympics vs. the mom who always wanted to be a cheerleader so has her uncoordinated child in acro, dance, and cheer lessons 20 hours a week so she’ll have a chance to make the varsity cheer team. Or the mom whose 8th grader has mastered trigonometry and precalc and wants to find a high school where she will have the opportunity to take math courses that will allow her to work to her potential and one whose 7th grader is doing well in prealgebra and is looking for a school where he can take Calc B/C as a 9th grader because that’s what it takes to get into Caltech. </p>

<p>I will do just about anything in my power to help make kids’ dreams come true. If that means spending thousands of dollars on a sport for a preteen and forfeiting every Saturday of the fall for 12 years to sit in the stands and watch a sport I really don’t like all that much—I’ll do it. If that means scrimping and saving a bit to allow a child to go to an expensive summer program because she’s mad about epidemiology—I’ll do it. </p>

<p>But the minute I start to suspect that I’m doing it for my own ego or to live out my own dreams instead of enabling theirs, that’s when I stop. </p>

<p>There are too many parents out there now who aren’t able to see the difference between what they want for their kids and what their kids want for themselves, and that’s where the craziness comes in. JMO. </p>

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<p>Good point Elliemom. Sometimes the kids’ activities become the parents’ social life, too, and the parents don’t want the kids to quit for that reason. I have seen that. A friend was pushed into years and years of swimming because her folks’ big social outlet was the swim parents. She finally stood up to them in college. I have experienced it when my kids have dropped an activity and I have been sad because I enjoyed hanging out with that set of parents. </p>

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<p>I worked a position on campus where I got too meet a lot of families visiting our campus. I have to agree with the original OP, some of these parents are so incredibly weird and psychologically unstable.</p>

<p>I still remember my first semester here, I was so annoyed with kids that basically lack everything- basic manners, basics common sense, basic courtesy, etc, some of these kids haven’t even been taught to say Thank You or Excuse Me- I call it “loser parenting”</p>

<p>I later realized that for the most part and with very few exceptions, kids are just a product of their upbringing and background, so kids get these weird ideas about life from their weird parents.</p>