<p>@Lidzardly I’ve been in that position, too. In our suburban community, parents are expected to put lots of volunteer hours into their kids’ EC activities, especially if they’re not school related. We’ve been Montessori parents and football parents and dance parents. When your kid is involved in those activities, so are you. And it’s normal to feel a little adrift when all of a sudden that’s no longer a part of your life. </p>
<p>Just like two years from now when D is firmly launched in the college of her choice, I’ll probably still be hanging around CC for the debate and the occasional giggle at a clever comeback. </p>
<p>Also wanted to add that sometimes it’s hard for parents to accept when a child gives up on a dream or simply moves on. @Lizardly’s example of the friend who was a swimmer, for example. What starts out as a passion for a ten-year-old can become a burdensome obligation for that same person when they’re 20. </p>
<p>Our own son gave up on his dream of playing college football and walked away from his scholarship when he was a junior in college. It was hard to watch him do that, but to do anything else would have been placing my own desires above his. In retrospect, saying “Come home. We love you. We’ll figure it out together.” was one of the best parenting decisions I’ve ever made. Not because it enabled him to achieve a goal, but because it gave us the chance to let him know that he was loved unconditionally. </p>
<p>Lizardly and Elliemom, this is another great point. I don’t recall my parents going to parent teacher conferences. Maybe because we all did OK, but so do my kids and we always go. They didn’t make it to all my games by any stretch, and there was generally no parent involvement in any of my big athletic HS varsity sports. Now, it is obviously way different and it is generally very fun, but I’m torn between my enjoyment of the involvement and being around the kids and wondering if it’s good that we celebrate everything so much. It’s kinda like a trophy for every participant kinda thing. And I wonder, what came first? Our hyper involvement in kids lives because it’s fun or because we felt a need to help them get a leg up in an otherwise increasingly competitive world? Whatever the case, as a very proud resident of middle America, I’m blaming it on the east coast!</p>
<p>Oh, the swim team…and the Girl Scouts…and the tennis teams…and the dance team… I’ve been involved in all of those, and agree that when the kid decides they don’t want to do it anymore, it can be painful! My first experience was as a swim team parent in the Mid-West. We had just moved to that community from the South, and it was a way for our kids to meet others in the neighborhood before school started. In the process, we got to know our first friends in the area – the swim parents. But, when it was clear that child #1 had no skills, nor the “eye of the tiger”, we let that one drop it. That left the 2nd child in this endeavor without her best friend – her brother! She quit soon thereafter. When I considered what it would take to be really good (all-year, early morning wake-up calls for swim practice), and realized that they did not have that commitment, it was easy for us – let it go.</p>
<p>I think as parents, we have to feel our kids out, and try to be sensitive to their needs/wants/desires. Sometimes, they might not say – like when my daughter apparently wanted to quit Girl Scouts, but went along with it longer than she wanted because I was the leader. She finally came to me with a long preface as to how she was involved in so much, and felt that she might need to drop something if she wanted to continue to do well in school. She said she wanted to drop Girl Scouts. I responded right away, that I do Girl Scouts because of her. If she no longer wanted to do it, then, I’m out. And that was it. (Although when I do something, I jump in with both feet! I was far more entangled in Girl Scouts than leading her troop, so it took awhile for me to totally extricate myself!)</p>
<p>We also went through this when she wanted to drop piano. This one was emotional for me. I played piano, and wished I had continued. When she quit, her brother followed. I did try to guilt-trip them on this one (lol!), but alas, that was it, and we now have two pretty nice digital pianos with no one playing them. They insist that I shouldn’t give them away, that they might return playing someday…I don’t think so though…:(</p>
<p>Haha, the piano thing. My son begrudgingly started piano lessons at 9. He didn’t think he needed them because he understood music! :). I made a deal with him that once he could play a Mozart Concerto by memory, he could quit if he wanted to. I do remember when he was a sophomore that he wasn’t really practicing enough; so, I sat him down and asked him if he wanted to quit piano because I wasn’t getting enough return on my investment of $300 a month for piano lessons. This wasn’t an easy thing to do, but I am not the type of parent who is going to expend a lot of energy getting my kids to practice. I think he was completely shocked that I even put that offer on the table because I was invested both emotionally and financially in his music. Needless to say, his answer was no and he still takes piano lessons at university. BTW - even though he will never be a concert pianist, he is very thankful for piano because it was the springboard for both composition and vocals.</p>
<p>I must admit that I stopped going to Parent/teacher conferences after 6th grade. They have a new format that is student led conferences in the library. I found it to be completely useless and decided I was finished. </p>
<p>Funny story, my son’s trig teacher actually sent an e-mail out saying that my son was doing fine, please don’t come to Parent/Teacher conferences. That was a first for me. Once you kids are in high school, they should be taking responsibility for their grades and performance. Unless your kids are not doing well, I can’t see the point of going to a P/T conference in high school. I stopped interfering, ahem helping, with homework in 2nd grade for both my kids. If they asked me a question, I would help; however, I didn’t review their work. I am a firm believer in taking responsibility for your work. It isn’t that I don’t expect my kids to do well, I do. </p>
<p>It is just that I think that barring learning disabilities, learning about responsibility and consequences (both good and bad) for actions should start at an early age. For example, it was my daughter’s turn to do the dishes. Well, ten o’clock rolled around and the dishes still weren’t done and it was time for bed. The consequence was that my daughter got to do the dishes for a week straight so that she could practice her time management skills. Guess what? She managed to get them done that entire week before ten. </p>
<p>I’m a junior in high school in New York City and this is exactly my parents’ mindset on college. They literally think that if I don’t go to an Ivy, I’ll end up working at McDonald’s. They’re so opposed to CUNYs and SUNYs and if I don’t end up going to an Ivy (which they’ve promised to pay full tuition for), I don’t even know what I’m going to do with my life.</p>
<p>I Clicked on the NY Times post and after I read that I curiously clicked on the Ayaan Hirsi Ali post. Kinda disturbing O_e but anyway I agree, the “helicopter” parent thing is very privalent. Except sometimes it’s called “tiger mom” and so it’s “okay” when that happens <em>eye roll</em> I don’t rlly see it were I live though. A lot of parents here are Fillipino immigrants who became nurses. (There’s nothing wrong with any of thesebtw.)They expect their kids to go to college but it’s likely to be comunity college or the local states(nothing wrong with these either). That was the last generation at least, now my peers have higher goals. This is just my experience</p>
<p>I looked at this thread and I felt like I should put my input in as a student who has been living in the U.S. for the past 6 years. Even though my parents have wanted me to reach success, they have never forced me to do things for the sake of getting into college. I realized that my parents couldn’t really pay full-tuition at state college, so I tried my hardest to get into a college that was financially supporting. I got into Pomona recently with a very generous aid. My parents only have to pay about a quarter of tuition. I didn’t choose Pomona as my top choice because of name (albeit it doesn’t have much in terms of name compared to the big guys) or prestige, but because I knew that I had a solid shot for a school that was financially supporting.
My point is, let the student figure out the family situation and let him/her make the best decision for the sake of him/her and the family. Parents, you do not need to guide us through this process as much as some of you do, and by “guide”, I mean forcing us to do things for getting into college and stressing us into gaining admission at a very selective school. I know many of the parents are not like that (mine included), but I know many of my friends who have parents like that. Guess what? Most of them didn’t get into the schools that their parents wanted them to get into. Why? Because admission to a school like the HYPS and other top LACs is getting tougher than ever. </p>
<p>For example, my grades’ popular girl, most likly to be Student Of the Year even thogh she’s very racist to other minorities, esp. africans, such as myself, and latinos when adults aren’t looking.#6thGradeProblems lol anyway, her goal is Standford. That’s pretty common with my generation esp. since we’re in Northern California,not to much with the last like I said.Just In this town, the whole bay area has sum pretty high achieving students from the last generation. Yeah lol :p</p>
<p>It’s nice to read the student’s point-of-view. Thanks. What advice would you have for parents who want to be supportive but not pushy? What’s the best way for parents to let our kids know we want their dreams to come true but also that it’s okay if they fail sometimes or just change their minds about what they want? </p>
<p>@Elliemom I think one of the things that often goes unchecked by the parents is the competition within the school and how high school kids often don’t want to get left behind. This concept is also in economics (you get angry when you see your neighbor who used to be on the same level as you in terms of income begins to reach higher levels of income, thus allowing him to live a more luxurious life than you). As a high schooler, I didn’t want to get left behind from many things (i.e. in the college process). So, my peers were somewhat pushing me into reaching higher achievements. That is the reason why I believe that a decent school with kids who care about academics is better to attend. Why do some prep schools in Massachusetts churn out so many Ivy-leaguers (I read about one that got 17 kids into Harvard this year)? It’s probably because of the competition within the school and not because of their parents. </p>
<p>@Classof2018app The new england boarding schools and some public high school in ma and the 3 STEM High schools in NYC Have the highest harvard and top school rates. Phillip Exeter Academy alone churns out about 30 Harvard-goers each year.One of the reasons why its one of the top high schools( and Bording schools) in the nation. It also has the largest secondary school library in the world. It’s also not sterotipcal rich white kid. Well it was recently intill the started seeking more diverse students. Lots of international students there.
I approve this message B-) </p>
<p>“I’m a junior in high school in New York City and this is exactly my parents’ mindset on college. They literally think that if I don’t go to an Ivy, I’ll end up working at McDonald’s. They’re so opposed to CUNYs and SUNYs and if I don’t end up going to an Ivy (which they’ve promised to pay full tuition for), I don’t even know what I’m going to do with my life.”</p>
<p>What are you planning on studying? For Engineering, Buffalo and Stony Brook are perfectly fine schools.</p>
<p>While the OP’s statements are provocative for a forum in which we all speculate about “parents going wild” I would suggest they are merely that–provocative statements with little empirical foundation. As both a higher education person and a parent of two children who began college in fall of 2001 and another two children who began in fall of 2012 and will begin in fall of 2014, I have not noted parents’ attitudes toward what they wish for their children to be markedly different in the past decade. If you read the various parent and student comments on the forums for hundreds of universities on CC, both are very happy with many, many colleges that might not be considered “elite.” I also note among transfer students that students leave “elite” universities for programs that are better fits. My own DS3 did the very same only last fall. </p>
<p>What I have noted rather than crazy, entitled-sounding parents, is far more disturbing–and that is more competition for admission and vast increases in tuition and fees for all universities. One of the institutions at which DD3 was accepted for Fall 2014 has tuition exceeding $50K–and that does not even include room, board, and accompanying expenses such as transportation, books, etc. Their all-inclusive figure topped $67K per year! I note a strong trend of parents on CC recommending that students accept a better FA package over the purported status of the institution. We all seem very alarmed about the indebtedness both we, as we approach retirement, and our children may be assuming just to attend “The Dream School.” </p>
<p>I don’t think it’s necessarily a feeling of entitlement as much a cluelessness as to how much things have changed in terms of how much more competitive it is since this generation of parents went to college. </p>
<p>My 8th grade science teacher told us that we are old enough to do things ourselves and that he doesn’t want to talk to parents about our grades and stuff, he wants to talk to us. He said that our parents shouldn’t be emailing him when we have problems because we are old enough to take responsibility. So if we have problems we should talk to him rather than tell our parents to contact him.</p>
<p>I think most of parents want their children to be successful and to be better than other kids, so they need to find a way to make their children successful. In today’s society, there are more and more competitions than before. During the old time, if you had a high school degree, you will find a nice job to support your family. As the time move, more and more people got high school degree, so people who had a college degree would find a nice job. During today, a large amount of people received college degree. if you want to get a nice job, you should have to get a top school degree to compete with other. I think most of parents realize this, so they pay a huge amount of money letting their children go to top school because that is the only way they can help their children to get a successful future. Going to top school is the only way that parents have right now in order to let their children on their way to success or its more closer to reach success than some kids. </p>
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